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Hurt - 10/7/2005 2:36:48 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

First off, I am not looking for sympathy. I truly hope that in writing it down and yes maybe getting feedback (call me a stupid f*** if you want), I can break the numbness. I am going to just give the highlights because I would be here for days typing about a 4-year relationship. Here goes: I have had a ‘Master’ for the past 4 years… not 24/7 but r/l. He lived 300 miles away. He called me 3 or 4 times a day, everyday. Every couple of weeks he would drive into town to see his children and me. A couple of times he even came into town just to see me. He told me he loved me and i believed him. For a long time I had a ‘gut’ feeling that something just wasn’t right. Every time I verbalized it to him he would tell me I was just being insecure, which indeed I was. Well, the feeling that something wasn’t right kept getting stronger. I had given this man 4 years of me. All of me… my heart… my soul… all of it, my life. One week ago today, I found out that for the past 4 years that 300 miles was actually only 2 miles. That he was living with the mother of his children (no he is not their ‘birth’ father) and living 2 miles from me. Well, it has been the week from hell. Two nights ago ‘she’ called me. This was after he had tried calling me 4 times and I wouldn’t answer the phone, then he tried calling me from a payphone. Anyway, she proceeded to tell me that they were buying a house together… no they weren’t married… I listened to this woman ramble for 2 hours. (Yes, I do think I have STUPID written across my forehead). I have literally crawled inside myself… I must have deserved this treatment but I can’t for the life of me figure out why. Maybe if I knew the ‘why’ to it, I could figure out a way to want to do more than stay indoors with the world locked out. I know there are tons of holes here, I just don't do this very well. Thank you for letting me vent.

Post #: 1

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 2:43:30 PM

Kasia

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/25/2005
From: The Coast of Adria
Status: offline

Sincerely sorry it happened to you.
Dont torture yourself with "why". Because he is heartless prick with no respect for love and trust, thats why. Because he saw the opportunity and took advantage, thats another why. But somehow I feel that those answers are not helping you much.
Hopefully time heels.

_____________________________

I DO have profile - just lost an S somewhere along the way

Kassia

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 2

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 2:47:06 PM

thirdPaw

Posts: 8
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I must have deserved this treatment but I can’t for the life of me figure out why. Maybe if I knew the ‘why’ to it, I could figure out a way to want to do more than stay indoors with the world locked out.

There is no reason to think that you deserve to be treated like that. No one deserves to be deceived - I hope you remember how brave it is to put your trust in someone. I hope that if you do need to keep yourself indoors, it gives you new strength. I hope that the bad things don't hold you back for too long.

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 3

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 2:55:14 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

thank you. While i was busy 'waiting' for him and yes... (gawd i'm a stupid idiot) giving him $ he was giving her a 'rock' engagement ring. LOL (ok so not funny but if i don't laugh, i may commit a heinous crime).

(in reply to thirdPaw)

Post #: 4

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 3:12:34 PM

DesertRat

Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
Status: offline

As thirdPaw said, you do not deserve what you got, so don't spend a bunch of time trying to figure out what you did to deserve it. Having said that, it might be worth examining your role in what happened. I say that because such an examination helped me when I found myself alone after a breakup that also involved a lot of deception. It wasn't a Master/slave or bdsm relationship, just a regular ol' vanilla heartbreak that hurt like holy Hell. You're gonna be thinking about it anyway, so might as well try to get some benefit from the experience. Like I always say: "Another f______ opportunity for introspection and personal growth." I hate 'em...

Bob

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 5

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 3:12:49 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

I must have deserved this treatment

No you didn't! The only "un-deserving" one was him of you. And his other deserves him and all she gets from him.

Would knowing "why" really change anything? It would be his "why". Nothing of his can be of value to you. Take the position that your trust in him was misplaced. If you found pleasure in the lifestyle during your time with him keep those memories; not of him, but of the pleasure. If you gained experience and self-knowledge over these past four years, be grateful that your trust in him enabled you to have those experiences.

Take the time to reflect, to purge, to reassess. When the time is right and it is what you desire, give into it and seek another; using the failure you feel from this experience as a bench-mark to gage how and when you should trust another with your submission.

Be well! You will survive!

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 6

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 3:13:08 PM

Kasia

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/25/2005
From: The Coast of Adria
Status: offline

quote:

... (gawd i'm a stupid idiot)

Now stop calling yourself stupid. You are not. Things like that can happen to any smart woman if she choses to love and trust the wrong person. And it happens all the time.
You are not stupid or worthless for having a heart. Keep your head high, girl, nothing to blame yourself for. You made a mistake, you are hurt, it will pass. Simple as that.

< Message edited by Kasia -- 10/7/2005 3:14:08 PM >

_____________________________

I DO have profile - just lost an S somewhere along the way

Kassia

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Post #: 7

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 3:17:27 PM

nslut4whtmaster

Posts: 40
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

It really is sad whenever deception occurs. Unfortunately, when someone is deceived it causes them to doubt themselves. You went through this for four years it is only natural that you feel at a loss. My advice to you is to allow yourself time to grieve and/or vent; in other words, time to heal so that you will be able to move on a much stronger person, who feels good about their ability to make good choices when choosing a partner.

Best Wishes,

ns

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 8

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 3:17:48 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

thank you all... i will survive... i'd survive quicker if the two of them like fell in an open sewer hole.

(in reply to Kasia)

Post #: 9

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 3:17:56 PM

greenie

Posts: 579
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline

i know how easy it would be to look back and think that that was 4 years of your life wasted on someone who didn't deserve that 4 years of your life but maybe it wasn't a waste. Did you grow as a person as a result of this? Did you grow as a submissive? Is there anything from it that you are taking with you into the future? Sometimes lessons come from the places we wouldn't go if given the choice. Take your time and heal, you need it, but while doing so meditate on all that you take with you. Remember that you aren't the only one he'd fooled, there is the woman he is living with. i hope everything works out for you and i'll keep you in my thoughts.

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 10

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 4:28:25 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

The good thing is that you can honestly say you weren't party to it.

Frankly for your sanity and to make sure he cleans up his mess and doesn't drag you into it, I'd say goodbye to them both and never have any contact with them again (been easy enough for 4 years). No phone, no email, no IM, no visits. You weren't a knowing party to this behavior (which includes ruining the childrens sense of security) and there's no reason you should start now.

You probably won't do it, it's very hard to just break things off like that, specially if SHE is looking for support. But I really think it would be for the best.

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 11

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 4:45:04 PM

ed408

Posts: 19
Joined: 9/3/2005
Status: offline

angelic, i'm sorry to read what happened to you.

1) Your (now ex-) "Master" sounds like nothing more than someone who wanted something on the side [this is not a derogatory comment to you], and the woman he lives with needs to wake up and get a clue as to what he is like.

2) You did not deserve this, no-one does - this is one of the reasons i won't do anything with anyone who is married/has a partner unless they are fully aware and ok with it. (How can you do anything in B/D / D/s / S/M if you don't - or can't - trust that person.... that's a time to say no and walk away)

3) You are ***not*** stupid. The only "stupid" thing would be going back to him.

4) The "why" is probably because the person who took advantage of you was able to. He was able to press your buttons, wrap you around his finger, make you want to please him, submit to him, give yourself to him, do pretty much anything for him. I would hazard a guess that there was also a want for attention as well, but that's only based on situations i've seen and also personal experience.

5) Time WILL heal, but unfortunately slowly. You *need* to stop all communication with him and, if you have any logs/e-mails/pictures of him - or stuff you did for him - erase them as they will only bring back feelings, frustration and un-happiness.... To use a maxim, "if something in your life makes you unhappy, remove it".

6) Try not to stay indoors too long. It can/might damage your self-confidence. Go out and hold your head high - he was the schmuck. Be *strong*

I know a bit of what you've been through, i.e. the way you wanted to give yourself etc, the hurt and anger from having been played - unfortunately there's not a gentle way of putting it that i can think of right now.... things that were said that you took deep inside you etc.

Try to think, and feel, positive. 4 years is a long time but it could have been worse.

I had someone play me for nearly 8years, culminating in me moving 2600miles only to be told that they found me and my kinks repulsive, that they said things because they wanted to feel needed and they liked having power. I only hope that you recover faster than i am - still trying to pull myself together - and that you didn't/don't lose self-esteem from it or feel that you should be treated badly because you "deserve it". (I found myself wanting to do things, to "suffer" for the idiot dom that wrapped me around his finger and those desires are still there, even if it's with other people - so i know i have a way to go)

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 12

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 4:48:26 PM

JustaTop

Posts: 511
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline

You did nothing to deserve it.

Now,try to convince yourself that THEY are undeserving of your further thought and attention,and work on getting yourself in shape for one who WILL.

Living well is the best revenge!!!!!

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 13

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 4:56:38 PM

pastplayingames

Posts: 50
Status: offline

angelic,

Big hugs to you.

I will not share stories of my own history as my intention is not to compete with your pain. Suffice it to say that I understand your questioning yourself....am I stupid, why didn't I choose to see, how can I know who to trust when I can't even trust my own judgement of other people?

The thing that has helped me most along the way is to try to keep this in mind and to remind myself often: See people for who they are, not for who I want them to be.
This helps to keep my eyes open to what is, rather than seeing something and choosing not to recognize it. Thus, I am not an enabler to another's attempt to deceive me.
Of course, people can certainly be 'blind-sided'. But, as I keep this in mind, it tends to be quite rare in occurrance.

That being said, know that opening yourself is never wrong. You are richer for having had the courage to share your soul.
The choice to whom you choose to share that with is always yours. Should, at times, you find that choice to ultimately not have been the correct one, remain true to you and seek the lesson in it.

It is when we allow experiences to harden us that we ultimately lose pieces of ourselves. But by learning lessons along the way, about ourselves and other people, we gain.

I hope this has helped, even minutely, and wish you the best on your journey,
~Christine

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 14

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 5:30:23 PM

krys

Posts: 611
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline

No one deserves to be lied to. Its not your fault and it does not make you stupid.

_____________________________

Krys

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Post #: 15

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 5:40:43 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

i cannot express in this little box how much i appreciate all of your kind thoughts. i know that i will come out the other side a stronger person... it's just the journey to get there i'm worried about... they are still continuing to harrass me today... and although i've changed my phone number it won't be effective until next wednesday (yes i told my phone company WHY)... but hey corporations move slowly... i am not answering my phone and as far as e-mails from him he is blocked... so any attempt there is not received. again, i thank you all for your support.

(in reply to krys)

Post #: 16

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 5:45:51 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

The good thing is that you can honestly say you weren't party to it.

Frankly for your sanity and to make sure he cleans up his mess and doesn't drag you into it, I'd say goodbye to them both and never have any contact with them again (been easy enough for 4 years). No phone, no email, no IM, no visits. You weren't a knowing party to this behavior (which includes ruining the childrens sense of security) and there's no reason you should start now.

You probably won't do it, it's very hard to just break things off like that, specially if SHE is looking for support. But I really think it would be for the best.

you are absolutely correct... i worry about the children... it just all seems so very wrong... i will survive... but they are children 9 and 13... and that eats at me. maybe i did in some way deserve this... but those children didn't do anything.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 17

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 5:47:41 PM

JustaTop

Posts: 511
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline

If he persists in harrassing,I'd advise a restraining order. Better sooner than later.

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 18

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 6:00:26 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

thank you all... i will survive... i'd survive quicker if the two of them like fell in an open sewer hole.

No you wouldn't. You'd still have the hurt, and it's going to hurt for a while. But hey... you'd at least get a little satisfaction in the process!

Seriously, though, use this time to reassess yourself and your needs and wants for your life. Reflect on the past four years and look for warning signs, so you will be better prepared for them should something "not seem right" again. But please don't beat yourself up over this. It happens to a lot of people.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 19

RE: Hurt - 10/7/2005 6:03:42 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JustaTop

If he persists in harrassing,I'd advise a restraining order. Better sooner than later.

believe me i've thought about that... but restraining orders are worth about as much as the paper they are written on...

(in reply to JustaTop)

Post #: 20

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