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Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/10/2008 11:21:53 PM   
MadRabbit


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I'm not a very angry guy. I tend to laugh and smile a lot. I pride myself on being for the most part, level-headed and having a pretty long fuse.

However, like all human beings who experience emotion, I experience anger in various circumstances in varying degrees. Sometimes I get a little angry and easily deal with it. Other times I get really angry and I have to take more drastic measures to keep myself on an even keel.

The worst case scenario is when my emotional trigger is hit. Whenever I am pushed into a position where I am being bullied, forced, restrained, controlled and all in all, "backed into a corner", I get really really angry.

I explode into a ball of rage.

I go on the motherfucking warpath.

For example, one night, my roommate and I got into a little tussle over doing dishes and we both happen to be equally as stubborn, hard-headed and determined to get our way. Things escalated a bit and through his own actions, whether he was aware or not, he triggered that "trapped in a corner" type feeling with me.

Next, I was stomping around the house, spewing obscenities, and moving each stack of dishes, one by one, from the cupboards to the closet in my room, yelling back down the stairs with each trip "LET'S SEE YOU DIRTY MY DISHES AND NOT WASH THEM NOW, @#*@$#**#!"

The next morning I awoke to a closet filled with the majority of my kitchen's content, wondering how the hell I managed to act like such an idiot LOL.

However, the point I am getting at is these kind of incidents are very rare. I can count them all on both hands with some fingers to spare. With self awareness, I know about this trigger and can take steps to avoid it.

But when we talk about anger, it always seems to be synonymous with a loss of control and therefore something we should stay away from and never ever touch.

I don't entirely agree with this.

I consider anger to be very much like lust and sexual arousal. Just like I can control my own sexual arousal when stimulated and keep from fucking someone in the middle of a train station, there has been many many times when I have gotten angry and kept it under control.

I've even managed to use it to constructive ends. The best workouts in a gym I have ever had were when I was angry.

Then there is the real point of this thread...the fact I find it to be downright hot, sexy, and erotic. I absolutely love to get a little riled up and include that emotion during sex. It adds a powerful and intense energy that is just downright "HOT".

Has anyone else included the element of anger in their play, scening, or sex with positive results?


< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 4/10/2008 11:23:39 PM >


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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/10/2008 11:38:21 PM   
Redoubt


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Hey Bunny.

Good thoughtful post... I'd have to say that anger, like any emotion is only productive if you are able to channel it effectively...

Otherwise, anger is an ugly beast and one that has no outlet other than destruction. But channelled, it's a good motivator.


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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/10/2008 11:45:41 PM   
MasterFireMaam


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Depends on if they're legitimately angry over something I feel sorry for or not. If I've made them angry in the scene as part of the scene, it can be hot. Especially if they fight for control over it before they physically attack me. I don't go to the edge with many people, but the one that I do...good god, it's just...umm...whew...

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/10/2008 11:55:14 PM   
ownedgirlie


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Hi MR, it's good to see you posting again.

As for anger, I believe as you do - it is another human emotion and does not automatically equate to loss of control.  In fact, the ability to control anger feels quite liberating.

As to your question about anger while playing, my emotions are exponentially heightened when he is playing with me or otherwise sexually using me.  I have felt anger and/or frustration in such cases before, and it's rather awful for me, totally detracting from his overall goal and becoming highly upsetting for me.

On the flip side, he has used me as a way to release his anger or frustrations in general, as he finds it relaxing to whip, hurt, or otherwise toy with me. Whether he is angry or frustrated at me or someone/something else, I have never felt a lack of control from him and I am glad to be used to relax him and help him feel better.



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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 12:09:51 AM   
hopelesslyInvo


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i can tolerate when people "stop being nice", but when they get angry... and if they direct that anger at me, i sure as hell hope it's at least in a "i'm not mad at you, i just need to vent" way, because my tolerance for taking crap is pretty proportionate to your level of control.  i'm sure there's a greater risk for loss of control when who you're taking your anger out on is the person that is pissing you off, but in regard to dealing with anger (bad day at work?) i figure the best thing i can do is console them, even if the way you console them in with some "not very tender" loving care.

other than that, anger leads to the dark side, and i can just use paper plates.

< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 4/11/2008 12:13:00 AM >

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 12:22:13 AM   
ExSteelAgain


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Frankly, in the context you are describing it appears to be a teeny bit out of control and it bothers you somewhat. It doesn't mean the emotion will always be that strong, though. I think we go through stages that are often based on our circumstances. Look on the bright side, you apparently haven't hit anyone.

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 12:36:43 AM   
Justme696


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Anger is not bad aslong you can control it and it doesn't control you.

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 3:15:07 AM   
colouredin


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Depends on the anger, of course everyone has heard the term angry sex, thats all well and good, but if that anger runs the relationship, if its irrational and started by nothing then its very hard to see it as anything other than a negative. All emotions can be controlled and harnessed but sometimes people cant be bothered  I know I have let myself wallow in emotion because I cant be arsed to pull myself out. If the anger is directed to the right thing then thats fine, if the anger results in a total breakdown then its terrifying.

Like you MR I am not a very angry person generally, I can get bitter but I dont shout or throw things or attack people or any of that, and being around people who do seriously scares me.


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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 3:43:11 AM   
StormsSlave


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I agree with you.  Anger can be a great motivator, and often creates the catalyst that opens the doors of communication on a subject.  I grew up in a household where anger was just one of the many emotions we dealt with in one another, and it was handled with the same way that tears, sadness, happiness, and any other emotion was: it's just part of life.

My Lord has a hot temper.  I have a slow temper that burns hot when provoked.  We both understand that people get mad.  They say things they don't mean, sometimes, or things that they do mean in the wrong way.  We have had angry sex (boy howdy!) and we've had tender make up sex, and nearly every kind in between.  We treat anger in this household as part of life, and it usually blows over quickly.

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 4:00:31 AM   
TysGalilah


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I don't think anger, itself, is a bad emotion.  I think it is healthy to feel our emotions, even then negative ones.  But, I think it is also important to know how to channel them and deal with them as well. 
Meaning=  not stuff them,
                   nor go to the other extreme and take them out on someone ..
 
Rage is our own fear..and raging is a person out of control, using anger to manipulate & make someone else fear.  They rage to keep from looking at themselves and they rage to keep me at an emotional arms length so I cannot see their weakness/fear.
 
  THAT I do not want to be a part of.
 
I also agree with several others who have said that anger, channeled correctly, can be a good motivator. 
 
Angry sex>
  Pent up energies, frustrations...tensions of the day,  channeled into feeling aggressive, bringing out the passion and darker urges...lowering your inhibitions because of so many emotions swarming inside your head, because you are feeling intensely.....hell yes!
 
But, being angry AT or with me and then fucking me instead of talking wiht me about your issue with me  ??   no thanks.
 
I liken that to feeling regret or being sorry for something you need to apologize for  but instead of saying " sorry I apologize"  you say  " but, I love you".
Acck!
I love you = doesn't mean an apology
and
Angry Sex = does not solve a problem that exists and needs to be talked about.
 
 
  
 
 

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 4:04:59 AM   
Prinsexx


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Great OP.
My intellectual understanding of anger it's that's it's on a contnuum of emotions, with apathy at the one end of the scale and ecstatsy at the other. Somewhere in the middel therefore I would put anger, which when controlled can express itself as wonderful courage and help to turn the emotions from negative to positive.

In the animal kingdom, as well as us as humans, since we carry the same atavistic chenistry, it forms part of the fight or flight chemical reaction...and then it depends on which point along the animal pecking order an animal is as to what path it normally takes. Birds of prey will, well attack. Sheep will (en masse) flee to the other side of a field and then, about four seconds later, lose all memory of why they were startled and go back to chewing the cud.
(Apparently fish cannot expel the chemistry and can die some time later from shock....but anyone who knows fish can tell me if that's true or not).
But we as humans do a very poor job of dealing with the basic chemistry. It stays around at primary, secondary and tertiary levels and then we try and transact, balance out, how to best use it, cope with it, suppress it, channel it and so forth.
Lecture nearly over....socially the predominat pattern is that it's more ok for males to express anger rthan females...but the gender biases are disipating fast here in oue culture at least.
As for bdsm and anger? Wow, I love anger channelled into a scene. I love being face smacked, asphysiated, whipped, caned, punished and more. The nearer to loss of control anger I can trigger a Dom into the better.
(Still miss 'P' edgy, spomtaeneous, random bursts of anger. I love it when it gets as close to loss of control as possible. BUT I also rspect and trust a dominants ability to control anger. That is the role of a good dominant in my book.
Sexual chemistry is the one certain cessaton of anger. During orgasm the chemistry (and that branch of the nervous system) all get switched and orgasm is a well-wow-I-don't feel-so-wound-up-release eh?
But in sexual sadism the contexts get crossed....that's the bad stuff where the abuse/anger and sexuality are bound uo together.
My love of anger has left scars.....both physical and emotional. Some of my scars were created before I really understood much about my own need for anger from a dominant. I would push and push and push I am ashamed to say, in my vanilla world until I got an angry response.
PMT (moon phases) make me feel as near to anger as I can get without external cause.
When I get crossed, fucked over or abused I can channel my anger BUT I have been known to be a covert female supremacist on the qiet and well....revenge is definitely anger served deep frozen and thrown in icicles.
Wow.......back to the day. Great inspiration. Thank you.




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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 4:27:29 AM   
DesFIP


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If the energy is there but you're still in control, then it's fine. But what happens if the bottom does/says something that hits that trigger in your mind and you lose it?

Personally, I wouldn't take that risk.

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 4:43:21 AM   
Dnomyar


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In the rare times that I do get angry during a scene I just get up and walk out. The mood has been broken so there is no need for me to be there.

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 5:10:01 AM   
Focus50


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

I'm not a very angry guy. I tend to laugh and smile a lot. I pride myself on being for the most part, level-headed and having a pretty long fuse.

However, like all human beings who experience emotion, I experience anger in various circumstances in varying degrees. Sometimes I get a little angry and easily deal with it. Other times I get really angry and I have to take more drastic measures to keep myself on an even keel.

The worst case scenario is when my emotional trigger is hit. Whenever I am pushed into a position where I am being bullied, forced, restrained, controlled and all in all, "backed into a corner", I get really really angry.

I explode into a ball of rage.

I go on the motherfucking warpath.

For example, one night, my roommate and I got into a little tussle over doing dishes and we both happen to be equally as stubborn, hard-headed and determined to get our way. Things escalated a bit and through his own actions, whether he was aware or not, he triggered that "trapped in a corner" type feeling with me.

Next, I was stomping around the house, spewing obscenities, and moving each stack of dishes, one by one, from the cupboards to the closet in my room, yelling back down the stairs with each trip "LET'S SEE YOU DIRTY MY DISHES AND NOT WASH THEM NOW, @#*@$#**#!"

The next morning I awoke to a closet filled with the majority of my kitchen's content, wondering how the hell I managed to act like such an idiot LOL.

However, the point I am getting at is these kind of incidents are very rare. I can count them all on both hands with some fingers to spare. With self awareness, I know about this trigger and can take steps to avoid it.

But when we talk about anger, it always seems to be synonymous with a loss of control and therefore something we should stay away from and never ever touch.

I don't entirely agree with this.

I consider anger to be very much like lust and sexual arousal. Just like I can control my own sexual arousal when stimulated and keep from fucking someone in the middle of a train station, there has been many many times when I have gotten angry and kept it under control.

I've even managed to use it to constructive ends. The best workouts in a gym I have ever had were when I was angry.

Then there is the real point of this thread...the fact I find it to be downright hot, sexy, and erotic. I absolutely love to get a little riled up and include that emotion during sex. It adds a powerful and intense energy that is just downright "HOT".

Has anyone else included the element of anger in their play, scening, or sex with positive results?


Way to pour cold water all over your opening statement...!
 
Being in denial is one thing; but you're actually sanitising your position with examples of your defacto anger management techniques et al....??   And the coup de grace - anger is a good thing; hell, it's "downright hot, sexy, and erotic"...!!!
 
Yikes!
 
Focus.

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 5:22:53 AM   
TysGalilah


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Great OP.
My intellectual understanding of anger it's that's it's on a contnuum of emotions, with apathy at the one end of the scale and ecstatsy at the other. Somewhere in the middel therefore I would put anger, which when controlled can express itself as wonderful courage and help to turn the emotions from negative to positive.

In the animal kingdom, as well as us as humans, since we carry the same atavistic chenistry, it forms part of the fight or flight chemical reaction...and then it depends on which point along the animal pecking order an animal is as to what path it normally takes. Birds of prey will, well attack. Sheep will (en masse) flee to the other side of a field and then, about four seconds later, lose all memory of why they were startled and go back to chewing the cud.
(Apparently fish cannot expel the chemistry and can die some time later from shock....but anyone who knows fish can tell me if that's true or not).
But we as humans do a very poor job of dealing with the basic chemistry. It stays around at primary, secondary and tertiary levels and then we try and transact, balance out, how to best use it, cope with it, suppress it, channel it and so forth.
Lecture nearly over....socially the predominat pattern is that it's more ok for males to express anger rthan females...but the gender biases are disipating fast here in oue culture at least.
As for bdsm and anger? Wow, I love anger channelled into a scene. I love being face smacked, asphysiated, whipped, caned, punished and more. The nearer to loss of control anger I can trigger a Dom into the better.
(Still miss 'P' edgy, spomtaeneous, random bursts of anger. I love it when it gets as close to loss of control as possible. BUT I also rspect and trust a dominants ability to control anger. That is the role of a good dominant in my book.
Sexual chemistry is the one certain cessaton of anger. During orgasm the chemistry (and that branch of the nervous system) all get switched and orgasm is a well-wow-I-don't feel-so-wound-up-release eh?
But in sexual sadism the contexts get crossed....that's the bad stuff where the abuse/anger and sexuality are bound uo together.
My love of anger has left scars.....both physical and emotional. Some of my scars were created before I really understood much about my own need for anger from a dominant. I would push and push and push I am ashamed to say, in my vanilla world until I got an angry response.
PMT (moon phases) make me feel as near to anger as I can get without external cause.
When I get crossed, fucked over or abused I can channel my anger BUT I have been known to be a covert female supremacist on the qiet and well....revenge is definitely anger served deep frozen and thrown in icicles.
Wow.......back to the day. Great inspiration. Thank you.




{The nearer to loss of control anger I can trigger a Dom into the better}
 
I cannot relate to this.
 
For me, if you want me to surrender my control and release all my inhibitions and feel completely open to your dominance and control of the situation>  I need to feel that you are in control ( and certainly in control of yourself and your reactions to your emotions).
A Dominant out of control will find me rolled up like an armadillo..exit stage left ( emotionally at least ).
 
After you have triggered your dominant to lose himself in his passion and urges of anger, who is in control then prinsexxx??
are you both out of control?
who's got ahold of reality and common sense and can bring one or both of you back to level ground and a safe emotional place ?
 
Perhaps it is a defect in my submission and trust level...
   if no one is in control > I will be.
 
Cyndi, who has to go to work now...
have a great day : )
 

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 5:42:23 AM   
IrishMist


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I agree for the most part that yes, anger can be a productive and healthy emotion.

However, I am one of those who has to control and keep it under tabs at all times. I am a violent person and when I get angry, that violence comes out...and I have no way of controlling it. I make it a point to not let myself become angry because to do otherwise is to lose control of myself.

I would like to point out though that the example you used; I would not use the word angry to apply it to myself if I was in that situation...I would probably use the word frustrated or disgusted with the situation; which is totally different in my perspective.

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 5:46:40 AM   
robertolapiedra


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Hello MadRabbit. No, when I am angry (very displeased) those love hormones go into kill mode so I go for a walk to cool off. But, my sub gets all ''mixed up'' and horny as hell. Go figure.

This female ''reptilian'' reaction cannot be integrated in the synergy for obvious reasons:  I am not sexually aroused when I'm pissed and she is emotionally ambivalent (non ''reptilian'' part of the brain) when I am that way. The fact that she gets all wet just contributes to the confusion. I do not take this as a desire for sex with an angry dominant. RL.

Note: There are some rape cases where the woman's body sexually ''reacts'' to violent sexual agression. We all know it does not mean that the woman desired to be violated (or enjoys rough sex under the real threat of murder!). It only means that sometimes the body has reflex ''neurological'' responses  that do not access the neo cortex properly in some stressful situations. RL.

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 5:58:52 AM   
TNstepsout


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I tend to think of anger as an emotional coping mechanism and not really an emotion in itself. Most of the time when we get angry it's because we aren't getting what we want, or we aren't getting what we want as fast as we want it. We are frustrated, irritated, tense and stressed and we react with an angry reaction to get other people to "fix" the problem. Losing one's temper is just a grown up version of a tantrum. There are very few circumstances in which a tantrum is a good coping mechanism. Perhaps in an extremely dangerous situation, when a person is being physically attacked or threatened, losing one's temper could intimidate the enemy so that he gives up and runs away.

If you (or anyone) is losing his/her temper, even infrequently, you need to take a look at why.  There are probably some things you are upset/irritated/frustrated about that you have not resolved and are picking away at you. You know, something comes up, you get upset, don't think there is any easy way to resolve it, so you shove it back down and try to forget about it.  If you have a lot of these, especially related to one person, then you are going to be on a slow boil all the time and eventually blow. For mature adults, this really shouldn't happen.

Angry sex? I don't know, maybe. I would probably think of it more as stress relief.

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 7:09:09 AM   
SimplyMichael


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MadRabbit,

You should look at the fact that Princess is agreeing with you...that alone is enough to make me think you are wrong.

I used to be verbally and emotionally abusive to my partners.  I finally reached a point where I was evolved enough to realize I had a problem, a partner evolved enough to help me throught it and an amazng counselor to guide me.  Not that I am in any way perfect but I am a different person now than I was then.

There are primary emotions and secondary emotions, anger is not a primary emotion, meaning it is a reaction to something else.  In may case, my trigger centers around being taken for granted.  It has never been hard for me to ask for a blowjob but asking to be held was hard because that is a vulnerable thing for me to ask.  I feel love through physcial affection (not sex, love it but it isn't love for me) and if I don't get it, I get resentful, the resentment builds and then BAM I get angry and attempt to control someone by training them "do X and Michael gets scary" and it is emotionally manipulative using fear.

Fucked up shit.  I have come a long way but I just might have a way to go.

That said, getting angry is because you didn't deal with something that triggers a primary emotion.  I need to ASK to get those needs met and I need a partner who then complies.  The trouble for me comes in when I ask and ask and I don't get taken care of.  I am still working on that part but I don't get abusive but I still get angry.

As for playing with anger in a scene, if it is made up anger, that is fine and as you said, can be hot.  I can't think of the term shrinks use, transferance isn't it but when you have anger in one place and misdirect it out another place.   In short,  you are pissed at your roommate and you take that anger out in a scene, that is much less healthy depending on your ability to observe yourself dispassionately and understand your motivation at a core level.

Me thinks you need some work there... and it appears I am not quite there yet either.

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RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 7:15:05 AM   
Justme696


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mmm question about angry sex? are you with out control when you do it?
I have no clue what it is to be honest.

(at anyone)

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