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RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/13/2008 10:18:57 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssScarlet

The internet has made it a lot easier for us to get together in public, but I think we're still a long way from being accepted as "ok".  Eventually, if we work at it like the gay community has, I think we could become accepted or at least tolerated.



I can get together in public with anyone I care to. What get's in your way?

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/13/2008 10:19:28 PM   
tebe12345


Posts: 22
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: offline 		When I was first learning I was into kinkier things, it was a bit of a shocker for me and I did talk to a couple of friends about the aspects that were frightening me as I was learning them about myself. I didn't tell them everything, but just enough so that I felt like I wasn't keeping a huge part of my personality from them - I realize that that isn't how everyone feels about it, I just almost felt like I'd be lying if I didn't tell them. Most of them really didn't know how to react, so they were kind of at a loss, but relieved when I figured things out and thanked me for telling them.

I guess that's a bit different from what most people are talking about on this thread, but that's part of why I wanted to post it- especially when people could tell I needed them, even with a kind of "don't want to know" mindset some of them had, tthey still wanted to know what was up enough to support me. I thought that was pretty cool.

Also, since I saw this come up- they're all in their twenties. I wouldn't tell my family about any of my revelations.

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 12:32:33 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		When it's all said and done, I look at the person and not what they do for a crust or fun.. If their interests coincide with mine it is just a bonus..

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)

(in reply to tebe12345)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 1:35:48 AM   
ShadowKing


Posts: 13
Joined: 11/18/2007
From: West Richland, WA
Status: offline 		I tend to be cautious about who I talk to about it.

My friends who I have mentioned it to have either said that it was a phase for me or that I had control and possibly abuse issues.

I come from social circles that are on the exact opposite side of the spectrum as IronBear's, so the acceptance level of this lifestyle ranks right between "You need help" and excommunication.

How do you tell a totally vanilla friend that you like to tie girls up and hit them with a medieval torture device?
It just doesn't go over very well no matter how carefully put.
"No, really she LIKES it!"
"I'm serious!"
"Ya Huh, she does!"
"No, I'm not delusional, she asks for it!"
"NO, it's not because she is afraid of being beaten harder!"

I once had a buddy walk into my bedroom before I had put my toys back into the Black Bag™. He just stood there, speechless. Finally, he just said that he didn't want to know...

So, yes, I am cautious about who I talk to about it. I think it would be a lot easier for a sub to talk about than a male Dom.
For some reason, I would think that it would come across better for her to say "I like to be tied up and spanked." than for me to say "I tie her up and hit her with a flogger when she doesn't obey." :-)

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 4:03:24 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		Well most of those I know and interact with are either kink or kink-friendly. I am pretty open about what I am (I'm as much an opinionated old goat in the real world as I am on here, so it would be hard to miss *g*) I don't shout it from the rooftops but neither do I hade it.

If someone can't accept who I am... their loss. With the openness with which I live My life the situation comes up earlier rather than later, so mostly they are simply aquaintences... the loss of one aquaintence amongst many is no loss at all. Sure I guess it has happened, I don't give it much thought as it doesn't bother Me.

But then I think more people are ready to believe and accept it of a 6'2", self confident, outspoken ex-bouncer and I don't draw the kind of aquaintences for whom it is likely to be much of an issue. shrinking violets and the mary whitehouse brigade tend to give Me a wide birth before even finding out what I maybe into


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Othie)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 4:37:55 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		About the asking permission. Isn't that just common politeness not to make plans without checking with your partner? If a friend asked us over on Saturday for a barbecue, my response would be to say that it sounds great but I need to see if he's free. I don't have to go into why, it's just respectful to check first.

And MzMia, kisses right back at ya!

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to MstrssScarlet)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 5:34:10 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

About the asking permission. Isn't that just common politeness not to make plans without checking with your partner? If a friend asked us over on Saturday for a barbecue, my response would be to say that it sounds great but I need to see if he's free. I don't have to go into why, it's just respectful to check first.

And MzMia, kisses right back at ya!


For those who live a distance enough from each other that it's obvious we wouldn't have plans that night, it doesn't make sense to friends about asking permission.  And when I'm offered a second glass of wine and say no, I'm not allowed, they don't understand.  Same as when I drop anything to take his call - and I mean anything.  Currently I'm making vacation plans with a friend - there are restrictions he has placed for me with those plans.  There is a plethora of examples of little, day to day things, that don't make sense to a lot of people outside an M/s dynamic. 

Since I won't pretend to be something I'm not to my friends, they know what I am.  I don't have the energy or desire to continue to come  up with reasons for half of the strange things I do.  If I can't share the real me with my friends, and if I can't share the joys of my relationship with them, however different those joys may be, then I have the wrong friends.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 5:50:10 AM   
Sandyshores29718


Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline 		*quick reply*

A couple close and i mean really close friends know what i'm into. One male friend thinks its cool, another guy things im crazy, but in a good way and the females that know think i'm a little crazy too.  i like to share my life with those that i call friends.  i also love showing my few toys to ppl. lol Most of the people that knew though are pretty open minded.  i'm not telling my family cause well they just dont need to know that their daughter likes to be spanked. my parents and i are close, but not THAT close.  i explain it to my friends when it comes to being tied up and blindfolded that its like a way to just relax and accept whats happening that you can not control the issue so its ok to enjoy whats happening without an guilt. Now, how many in the nilla world can have 100% guilt free sex?  Not a lot.  Its just easier to explain the kink side of BDSM than the mental.

*edit*  i dont go into details really only with the two males outside of the life that know.  They both are open minded and its nice to talk to someone and watch them change their view on BDSM.

< Message edited by Sandyshores29718 -- 4/14/2008 5:57:13 AM >

(in reply to Poetryinpain)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 7:11:59 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysblondie

I just don't feel the need to go running around sharing that part of me with everyone.


This sums up my feelings perfectly. I believe on a "need to know" basis. I don't need to validate myself, and my choices, by telling everyone, everything.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to daddysblondie)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 8:39:24 AM   
Daddyslilpookie


Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysblondie

I just don't feel the need to go running around sharing that part of me with everyone.


This sums up my feelings perfectly. I believe on a "need to know" basis. I don't need to validate myself, and my choices, by telling everyone, everything.



Exactly, some stuff you just need to keep underwraps. I do call my Master Daddy in public and nobody ever notices.

_____________________________

Princess Andie


"A Woman Loves Only Her Master"

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 9:21:13 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I was outted to my Mom when she asked me about the Leather Pride flag sticker I had on my truck.  She asked me about it.  I wasnt going to lie to her (when I was a kid, the majority of her male friends were gay, and quite a few were Leathermen).
She didn't ask for details, nor did I offer them.  Same thing with my dad (he saw one of my floggers I'd forgotten to put away).
I have, on my key ring, a lovely leather gadget.. 5 strips of leather that (when new) caused bruises.  Now that the leather has softened it's just a stinger.  When people ask, I just say it's a way for me to find my keys in the deep dark depths of my purse.  It HAS been the cause of some wonderful conversations though, with people 'in the know'.
Never have I gotten in anyones face with my proclivities, but I am open to speaking to anyone who indicates a legit interest.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Daddyslilpookie)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 9:53:41 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

…I was wondering if you, as a Dom/Master, or a sub/slave, or as a couple, have, after telling someone outside of the lifestyle about your interests, noticed that they have treated you any different?  
 
Usually my alt lifestyle is viewed on par with my gregarious nature.  I don’t make friends with people that wouldn’t have an open mind in the first place.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to Othie)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 10:03:29 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		I live in the Mormon Mecca and some of my frineds know what I do. When I lived in Vegas It was easier for me to be me and say "Fuck the looks" however in a Bible Driven City in a Bible Driven state it is important not to try to put out small fires with gasoliene (SP?)

My Kid Brother has HUNDREDS of frineds and apparently ALL of them know what I do, My Kid Brother helped me move and when he did he found my Black Bag equipt at the time with all my Medical Play Gear, 100 Yards of Rope. (I was doing Demos and teaching people different hitches and Decorative knots at the time **The Pic in my Profile...NOT a GOOD example LOL**) so when he discovered he informed ALL of his friends that his Brother was a "Sadistic Male Dominatrix" I know this because that is what all of his frineds to date ask me.

I have never felt popular but when ever his friends are around they are so amused. I honestly think the younger generation is FAR more open to Kink than the older is.... Just an opinion

My two cents in a sea of pocket change

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 11:15:47 AM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		If a friend asks me a personal question about what it is that I do or if I slip up someplace and they ask I tell them the truth about what it is that I do and how I feel about it.  They generally wait until the next time we are drinking where I get blasted with a thousand questions... after all that if they ask I tell if they dont I keep it to myself. It all seems to work out good and I have never lost a friendship... I am also out at work because of an incident that took place here. There is a woman that works in the office that everytime I walk into the room she turns bright red and blushes like you wouldnt believe but I might exchange like two words with her a month... thats the only odity is the blushing one which makes me feel uncomfortable at times.
The most common questions I get are explaining... is it really painful?  Are subs equals outside of the sexual roll?  Ho do you get a man to be more of a man?

(in reply to Poetryinpain)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 11:25:22 AM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		I've always considered myself very lucky when it comes to my friends.  I've had friends after finding out about how I choose or chose to live my life ask personal questions that I tried to answer as honestly as possible and can say that never did they treat me or look at me differently.  I have even introduced a couple of my friends to this lifestyle with J's help.

I find it hard to feel ashamed of something that can be very natural and beautiful.

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to Poetryinpain)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 12:48:20 PM   
Othie


Posts: 30
Joined: 3/8/2005
Status: offline 		Along the same line of thought. How would you feel if the lifestyle (The way people interact, not the sexual part as people have pointed out) was to enter the mainstream?

Personally I'm of two minds of it. My first thought was yes, it would be great. But after thinking more about it, I realized that the truth is that the fact that not everyone knows is a bit of a draw to me. In a way I feel it helps to keep it from becoming "trendy" and even weeds out a few that could either be harmed badly or do alot of harm. That said, in the lifestyle, as with every such thing there are a few "bad apples". I think if more people knew and understood about it, those who were being hurt/used (both subs and Doms) would have a easier time getting help. And I guess it would open it to some people who would otherwise never hear about it.

What do you think?

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 12:53:29 PM   
Arrrchibald


Posts: 350
Joined: 1/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Othie
I have always had a bit of a interest in how people interact. I was wondering if you, as a Dom/Master, or a sub/slave, or as a couple, have, after telling someone outside of the lifestyle about your interests, noticed that they have treated you any different?


Yes.  Some of my former friends brought up the topic after reading an article about a r*pist who used handcuffs.  They suggested owning cuffs should be regulated like guns.  I called bullshit, they called me a r*pist, then told all the girls they knew.  I'd known them my whole life, and it's been 5 years since we've spoken. 

Never underestimate ignorance. 

quote:

I'm sure alot of people see it as "taboo" but then, alot of things that were seen as taboo and are something that people on a whole don't mind. Is the lifestyle there yet? Do you believe it will get there soon? or ever?

Absolutely not.  To most vanilla people, BDSM is a disease. 

I honestly can't imagine a society without sexual bigotry and repression.  Maybe some day civilization will grow up, but probably not in my lifetime. 

(in reply to Othie)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 1:19:51 PM   
SweetiePie26


Posts: 17
Joined: 3/5/2008
Status: offline 		Most of my friends are aware and a few of my sisters, otherwise I don't .."spout" it to everyone. I have the same questions asked though, with the level of permission I have to ask for everything, sometimes I do get questions or concerns of  him bieng to controlling.. so of course I have to explain.. that I love it.

(in reply to Arrrchibald)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 2:22:37 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy
Why tell? Why do people feel so inclined to let this shit be known? Are you not capable of privacy? I don't really want to know what my friends do with their cocks, cunts, toys, hands, asses and such....

None of my biz.

It's not telling them THAT- it's telling them "He's not my boyfriend, he's my master."  It's not telling them I like kinky sex it's telling them "I have to ask permission before we can go, I'll let you know" and them not freaking out and thinking I'm abused.

Why does everyone only think of sex and kink?  My relationships are about dynamics which ARE different than ones you have in vanilla ones.  Sure I COULD pretend and use euphemisms that work "well enough" for vanillas, and I do that for my co workers and family and basically people I do not CHOOSE to socialize with but am in some form obligated to do so.

For friend?  Not going to happen.  I'm not going to pretend he's my boyfriend when he's my owner.  I'm not going to pretend he's my boyfriend when he's my boyfriend AND my owner.  That doesn't mean telling them I like nipple clamps, it means telling them that the way we work together is different from them and they may feel free to ask questions but probably won't notice it for the most part unless they really try.

Vanilla women get to flounce their engagement rings all over the place and get all squealy about it...but collars?  No way.  THAT is what is important to me.


quote:

ownedgirlie
It's not a matter of telling them the sex and play that goes on between he and I. But they all know I don't confirm plans without his permission. One very close friend who wants to share a house with me knows I won't because the way I live my life is contrary to what she would want to be privy to. They know I am submissive to him in ways they don't understand. And when those very close to me ask questions because they're concerned by what they don't understand, I take the time to lovingly explain myself to them.

To the OP, no, the people in my life who love me do not treat me differently because I have a relationship that is different to them. They love me for who I am. They have all pretty much said they don't care what I do in my personal relationship - that's between me and Mr. Wonderful. They love me because they love me. One friend has trouble with the words Master and slave so I don't use them when talking to her. They love me, and I love them, too, which means I don't need to push things on them that will disturb them.

In truth, most of whom I have told have been totally fascinated and have wanted to learn more. And it's not a "youth" thing with them, since most of my friends are in their 40s and 50s.


I really still don't understand...."I don't confirm plans without his permission." or "he's not my boyfriend he's my master."

There could ber easy explanations that would nevert raise an eye....You choose to throw your shit into other peoples face you get what you deserve.

Everyone is different....Maybe your participation in bdsm is the best thing you've got going...So it is that important that everyone is aware of the dynamics of your realtionship.

To each their own. In my opinion it is enough for me that she is aware of the dynamic....That is enough.

Let's dig a hole here....I value my friends but they don't need to know everything that goes on...They don't need to question the way that a woman responds to me. It's not for them to see.

I find that many people who get into this have been affected...It is probably difficult for many to know where to draw the line...Or if you even should. I recently had a very similar discussion with some gay chicks...I just mentioned that I think that many queers have lost their individuality because those living the "lifestyle" seems to become so affected....Why is it that you can spot a dyke so easily? Or some gay dudes suddenly develop "the lisp?" Why do we have to wear the uniforms? Wouldn't it be refreshing to look at someone and not to be able to draw some pretty strong conclusions about their sexual orientation?

The same goes for out here. Why do so many feel the need to wear all of this on their sleeve? What in the fuck is up with all of that black leather...It's not all that forgiving...Fat chick wearing a tube top....When you are at work in the corporate world do you mention to your employer about the dynamic? I say not. So you choose who's buttons you are going to push...Many of you probably work in a field where it doesn't matter or siply don't care cause ya ain't got shit to lose.

I still say that it is ludicrous to think that "this" is going to be found to be acceptable....If you think that you are being "authentic" well good luck with that...Because you are right you will be probably hanging out solely with fellow kinksters...I couldn't think of a bigger group of people aside from hanging out a GOP convention that I would want to avoid. So you think that this will someday be acceptable? Are you crazy??? No way...Never going to fucking happen....It's actually rather laughable.

Go with God.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 4/14/2008 2:24:18 PM >

_____________________________



(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: friends outside of the lifestyle - 4/14/2008 3:16:10 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		Damn it now, I actually agree with DG on this one.
I am not putting anyone down, but most professional people that work for someone
else, can "hardly" be completly out at work, about this "lifestyle".
 
I work in the school system, humm my face on the internet on this site?
yeah, sure, right
lol

I am not picking on people, but we see people every day, losing jobs, positions, etc.
because of "their personal life/outside" activities.

I always wonder about all the politicians, sports stars, rock stars, etc. that come to this site,
like a Senator is really going to post his face on a BDSM site? {maybe his ass, though}

In the long run, why does the world need to know how I get down in my home?
 
I am not knocking the latex, spandex, thigh high boot, loves fetishwear crowd, but some of us 
are not into it, and feel NO need to validate ourselves by dressing in that manner.

I have never felt the need to dress any differently, when I go to a fetish affair I wear "party" clothes, that I could also wear to a jazz club.
I like just being ME. 
I fucking love "outwardly" looking like I might have been born last night,
when I wasn't.     

Now DG does that mean you don't wear black leather pants, boots and a black hat? 
Or do you prefer the Mack Daddy, pimped out, straight gangsta look?              

< Message edited by MzMia -- 4/14/2008 3:45:46 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 60
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