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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 1:55:40 PM

laura2161

Posts: 254
Joined: 3/8/2008
From: Duluth, GA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

So, what do you do when your local scene isn't available or appealing? How do you deal with the pressure to be "active in the scene" when that's not very feasible or when it's simply not to your taste?

I see it written a lot also, recommending a local munch, play party etc. I normally do not respond as I have nothing positive to say about the 'local scene'.

I went to one munch and attended 1763 once. I figured better to go before I wiped it completely from my slate. I'm sure it great for some people, and that is cool with me, but it's definitely not my cup of tea. I saw 'much' posturing, many people 'playing the role' and quite frankly it all seemed like one big game to me. That's not what my life is about.

Munches and play parties are not for me, then again I am a pretty private person and I dont feel the need for someone else's approval in regards to how He controls our relationship.

My opinion alone and I know many with disagree with me. Different strokes for different folks.

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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 3:03:05 PM

stella41b

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

How do you deal with the pressure to be "active in the scene" when that's not very feasible or when it's simply not to your taste?

I don't feel any pressure to be 'active' or to fit in. I don't anyway, I'm me, myself, an individual, and not very good at conforming. I go in and out of the BDSM community, the LGBT community, theatre, supermarkets, street markets, wherever. I'm not really much of a 'scene' person or into drama (unless it's theatre) but prefer my own social network and community. I also have a knack of finding people into BDSM who are not part of any scene or community.

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Post #: 22

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 3:19:42 PM

Real_Trouble

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I definitely don't feel much pressure to be part of a local scene, and fuck, I'm in New York (the city and the state), so if there was ever a place to be in one, this is probably it.

I just don't like most people, though, so that greatly reduces any desire I have to be part of a "scene". For the most part, I'd rather pick my friends than select one arbitrary interest of mine to congregate around.

I mean, I don't go to meals with groups for empirical skepticism or investing either (or if I do, it's a business meeting and it gets expensed, but that's a little different).

Do what you want and stop worrying about what other people do.

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Post #: 23

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 5:42:20 PM

OldBastardly1

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My guess would be that the problem would probably be the common denominator......you.

In most instances, if you change all of the variables but 1 and continue to get similar results, it is usually related to the 1 thing that was a constant.

edited for clarity

< Message edited by OldBastardly1 -- 5/10/2008 6:08:49 PM >

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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 5:47:30 PM

MadRabbit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laura2161
I saw 'much' posturing, many people 'playing the role' and quite frankly it all seemed like one big game to me.

Yeah, it's a lot like the Internet in a lot of ways...

Except I can't make the people go away as easily as clicking an X at the top of the screen

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 5/10/2008 5:49:33 PM >

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Post #: 25

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 7:10:40 PM

LadyPact

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Being into the local scene is by no means a requirement, but for some of us, it happens to be a lot of fun.

I get a huge kick out of getting out to munches, events, and demos. No, you're not going to like every person you ever meet, just because they happen to be kinky. The other half of that is sometimes, you do like the people you meet, have fun, and learn something new. I just got back a little while ago from a great gig. My first venture to a group I hadn't visited before. I had a blast. Brought home a few new ideas too. (Insert the big, evil grin here.)

I hope your experiences will improve over time, if you'd like to keep trying.

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Post #: 26

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 7:35:46 PM

Leatherist

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A lot of local people, particularly women who play "follow the leader" With a local club owner attest that one needs to be a member there to be "safe".

Can you guess who came up with THAT cute little idea?

I don't attend anything she is involved in.

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Post #: 27

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 8:04:02 PM

MadRabbit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

one needs to be a member there to be "safe".

I've heard that one before lol.

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Post #: 28

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 9:27:25 PM

ownedgirlie

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Eh. Those I've encountered who are in my local area haven't been very inviting, while telling me I lack credibility because I'm not involved. I don't need the drama, and I have awesome friends both into and not into D/s and BDSM. Out of curiosity I've gotten on some munch notification lists but so far I haven't been in town when the munches took place. I have a friend who goes to a munch group about an hour or so away and I may join her one of these days, as she's vibrant and full of life and says her friends there are just like her. But my life is pretty full right now - I've been working, biking, photographing, taking trips, writing, hanging out with friends and family, and wrapping up some rather large personal issues that have plagued me. The thought of hanging out with a bunch of people who have spent time insulting me isn't very appealing in comparison.

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Post #: 29

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 10:16:09 PM

Archer

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Of course for every insult mentioned as felt towards those not attending I have seen at least one slapped back at those who do attend.
Often veiled in the wording of "I don't need the approval of others" (subtext obviously those who do attend do need it).

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Post #: 30

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 10:31:57 PM

Leatherist

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Something about "sheeple"?

How sadistic!

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Post #: 31

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 10:49:46 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

Of course for every insult mentioned as felt towards those not attending I have seen at least one slapped back at those who do attend.
Often veiled in the wording of "I don't need the approval of others" (subtext obviously those who do attend do need it).

Perhaps so, Archer. I guess people just like insulting one another. I don't, however. I have friends who love "the scene" and I think it's great they have a place in which to express themselves to the extent they enjoy. People should just be who they are and do what they're comfortable with. I don't really see a need to insult that, whatever it is.

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Post #: 32

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 6:44:42 AM

Maya2001

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From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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I have been to a couple local munches I find the majority that attend do so inorder to be able to attend the public play parties hosted by the various local groups and to learn where or to get invited to the private play parties..for many bdsm is one social event after another .....so most of the people I would meet there are there for the social aspect or party scene...when I was younger in my vanilla dating life I used to go to bars to meet people and then to parties but gave that up long ago as I found most singles that attend are players mostly looking for short term relationships or those that are into partying or want the social aspect. I am not ready to restart that that type of lifestyle up now to follow my bdsm interests...

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Post #: 33

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 7:01:22 AM

Leatherist

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My feelings about it locally are pretty simple. It's like high school,with whips and chains-not interested.

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Post #: 34

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 7:18:59 AM

DominantJenny

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Many people said, "What pressure?", but a few showed some of what I mean...the idea that if you aren't in the local scene, you are somehow suspect (not "safe"), the attitude that if you aren't happy in the local scene, it's probably because you're off in some ridiculous fantasy world (I actually saw plenty of unrealistic folk in the places I went to, though I'm sure it doesn't take long for reality to set in)...those are two of the big ones. No one mentioned the other one, the whole "well, you can't possibly know what you're doing if you haven't gone and learned about it live and in person from experts"...which may or may not be true of some edge play, but, frankly, most of this stuff isn't that hard to teach yourself if you are intelligent and reasonable. (All I ever had to really learn about nipple clamps from someone else was how long it was advisable to leave them on...easy enough to research without seeing it demonstrated. People have been figuring out anal sex all on their own forever. Things like that.) That's probably the top three "pressure" sources specifically related to kink. It's also one of the first things you hear when you talk about looking for someone...and, while I understand the value of social networking, it can be done online as well as in person, and often a lot more quickly and easily, in my experience.
I am realizing reading that that part of the problem is the same one that we introverts have in the vanilla world, too...being an introvert is generally frowned on in our society. I'm just not that social a person...having people over for dinner parties fills me with dread, not pleasure! I prefer low-key, one-on-one type hanging out...it's just a personality thing. I have a healthy circle of friends, several of them kinked and most kink-friendly, though they are scattered all over the place; I just haven't had much luck with finding local friends, though I do have a few. I'm more comfortable spending time in person with people I've "vetted" first from a "safe" distance...the internet has really been a boon that way...I like going into a social event knowing I'm going to be comfortable with the people involved, not just hoping that will be the case.
Finally, right now, we barely have the time and energy to socialize at all, and I suspect that won't change for a few years yet. When the kids are older, maybe we'll try again...I'm not diametrically opposed or anything...but I hope people glean from this thread that just because one isn't into the local scene doesn't mean they aren't sane, reasonable, responsible, and even likable people...they may simply be introverts or one of a number of other reasons people listed here. And I hope that people who always recommend getting involved in the local scene will add a couple of alternative suggestions as well in case the local scene isn't quite as fabulous as their own.

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Post #: 35

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 7:19:37 AM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

Of course for every insult mentioned as felt towards those not attending I have seen at least one slapped back at those who do attend.
Often veiled in the wording of "I don't need the approval of others" (subtext obviously those who do attend do need it).

Perhaps so, Archer. I guess people just like insulting one another. I don't, however. I have friends who love "the scene" and I think it's great they have a place in which to express themselves to the extent they enjoy. People should just be who they are and do what they're comfortable with. I don't really see a need to insult that, whatever it is.

Considering you have called me "destructive" girlie I would still be very welcoming if I saw you at any of the many munches in our shared community. I figure people are often different on the net than they are in real life and perhaps you are not so judgemental.

As for the "scene" speaking broadly, some are wonderful, some suck, some are open places allowing room for all and some are little more than private harems, it all depends on who runs them and the social mores of those involved.

Sacramento's scene used to be dominated by two people, one so bad the other looked wonderful. It was very divisive and ugly. Today, thanks to some wonderful people the scene is much more open and vibrant with a number of different groups working together, even the gay group is being welcoming to hets, something that was like pulling teeth when I started.

I look at people who never get involved in the local community as suspect. I mean if you are into this stuff seeing how others make things work has to be useful and educational. Being around fellow perverts so you can truly be yourself can be liberating.

I myself am ambivalent about the scene on some level, in San Francisco, it is run by and for bottoms with tops competing to see who can be the showiest and is in general pretty fucking shallow, with people swapping partners and looking for more the only 24/7 on view. That said, there are still amazing people who I adore, others I admire, and some I just enjoy watching their interaction with their partners. I have taken some really wonderful classes and learned a great deal.

Here in Sacramento, our main group is run by a monogamous couple who are deeply into D/s although definitely not stereotypical in how they do it. We also have a wonderful Masters and slaves Together (MAsT) group that is a really fabulous resource. So the scene here has a more than a bit of D/s flavor to it and the partner swapping seems to be a bit less common. It makes it a lot more fun if you are around people who's idea of a good party is close to your own.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 5/11/2008 7:20:16 AM >

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Post #: 36

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 7:28:51 AM

lronitulstahp

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my local scene is pretty typical i suppose. There are people there who are really earnest and care about leather issues. There are petty subs and dumbassed doms, wonderful couples that give you hope, and lovely miscreants and ne'er-do-wells that make it interesing. A bunch of different types trying to take advantage of limited recources. i try to support and participate on a small level. But i wouldn't say i'm very active.

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Post #: 37

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 7:39:56 AM

OldBastardly1

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From: Atlanta, GA
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Good post, Michael. I feel very fortunate to be in the Atlanta area, where we have an excellent community. Sure there are plenty of people that have their own core groups, fetishes, agendas, likes and dislikes. But it is a very diverse group of people that have much to offer to people who care to partake of it. I don't expect everybody to be clones of each other.

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Post #: 38

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 7:53:28 AM

sambamanslilgirl

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haven't felt any pressure to be part of the Chicago scene even though there are meets/greets for specific groups around town. personally, i'm not interested in joining - i have enough on my busy schedule as it stands now.

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Post #: 39

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 8:05:29 AM

Deliena

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From: Darlington, United Kingdom
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Well there's not much of a local scene where I live (I've checked and it's pretty thin on the ground and I am restricted to public transport which makes it slightly more difficult to participate), I was contacted by a local couple WRT private parties / meetings but when I mentioned that Master and I are not poly nor interested in swapping etc. they went very quiet which was a shame, they seemed like interesting people to talk to. Shrug, if the opportunity to do something locally comes up then great - if not, never mind I'll continue chatting online to people and indulging myself at home - it's not like I've lost anything :)

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Post #: 40

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