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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 8:31:14 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny
We have reasonable social success in other situations, so I really don't think it's "us" in that sense. Just because you have one thing in common with people doesn't mean you'll have others or that you'll like each other at all for that matter

I totally relate to this, Jenny. Master and I have social success in most any situation as well. We simply don't have the desire to try to forge relationships with people based solely on our interest in BDSM. As you say, having that in common doesn't mean you'll have other things in common and certainly doesn't make for fast friendships necessarily.

quote:

So, what do you do when your local scene isn't available or appealing? How do you deal with the pressure to be "active in the scene" when that's not very feasible or when it's simply not to your taste?

We don't put any importance on the issue. Any such "pressure" is less than irrelevant. Who gets to decide the local scene is what WE need? Only us and it is not. I, like you, have seen that response many, many times like it's some magic solution to everything. "Get involved in your local scene." No thanks. Not interested and not into the ridiculous drama that so often accompanies it.

I also believe there is a flip side to that coin. There are those who are so involved in their "local scene" and all that accompanies it that I wonder if that "scene" wasn't there (dress up, public play, having an audience for every beating, etc.), would they even be interested. Of course some would, but I believe many would not. Again, that's fine. If that's what someone desires and needs to enjoy BDSM, cool. I just get tired of the automatic response that if others want happiness, they must do the same or they somehow aren't as genuine. Poppycock................luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 5/11/2008 8:32:09 AM >

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 41

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 8:53:08 AM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

And I hope that people who always recommend getting involved in the local scene will add a couple of alternative suggestions as well in case the local scene isn't quite as fabulous as their own.

i think i can get with what you are saying when i read this one line...except when you are posting, perhaps in the future it should be more talk about the positive alternatives and less about bashing what you percieve as the one negative solution people always recomend....

chelle

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 42

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 9:21:31 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

chelle,

I generally try to be a positive person, and I try to be as helpful as possible. It's hard to talk about something that's been full of negative experience for you in a positive way. I never implied or meant to imply that the local scene wasn't a viable and even fantastic thing for a LOT of people. I was seeking to point out that that's not always the case, and when it isn't, it isn't always and shouldn't be assumed automatically that it's because there's something bad or suspect about the person not into it, an impression I've genuinely gotten from people many times, including right in this thread.

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 43

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 9:31:20 AM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

Eh, I enjoy going out from time to time when that time is available for travel. There is some people I have met who interest and intrigue me and I enjoy interacting with. It's an outlet to meet new people and you never know what will come from it.

But, in general, I think if your going to try and be active, it's best to learn to practice indifference and develop a good sense of humor, because your going to meet a whole host of odd and "interesting" personalities and characters.

If you can't learn to laugh at it and make a little fun of some of the all too common behaviors that seem to come hand in hand with public BDSM social groups, you'll risk becoming bitter and elitist. Now those are the people that I really can't stand.

Edited to Add :. A tolerance for the present burning need of the vast majority to create drama and involve themselves in the personal affairs of others is a big plus too. Something I tend to lack.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 5/11/2008 9:33:42 AM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

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(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 44

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 9:38:02 AM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

I was seeking to point out that that's not always the case, and when it isn't, it isn't always and shouldn't be assumed automatically that it's because there's something bad or suspect about the person not into it, an impression I've genuinely gotten from people many times, including right in this thread.

My suggestion is to try not to take it personally. You are dealing with a group of people who generally are internally ashamed, embaressed, and weirded out by their own kink and scared of the rest of the world finding out that they are doing these "weird" things. I find the paranoia to be mostly a reflection of that and a general group mentality that serves the purpose of trying to keep people part of the public scene.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 5/11/2008 9:40:03 AM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 45

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 9:42:23 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

DominantJenny
>>So, what do you do when your local scene isn't available or >>appealing? How do you deal with the pressure to be "active in >>the scene" when that's not very feasible or when it's simply not to >>your taste?

My Sir made his own local "scene." He knew enough kinky folk and made his appeal in a site group to help put their fantasies together. He had help from people he had met and had gotten to know well. He had the help of a few submissives, Dom/mes, CD's and switches.
That was his input. People wanted to play and he created such a venue safely and consensually without all the "politics" of munches, meetings and play space (dungeon time).
He successfully created a fantasy world come true for many and in the doing so found who he could trust locally.
When he wanted nothing to do with it, he stepped back. When he was in to it again, he continued.

He is in no way a member of anything. Local munches seem to want members and this was his way of being known and getting known. Quite successful he was indeed.

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 46

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 10:33:08 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Considering you have called me "destructive" girlie I would still be very welcoming if I saw you at any of the many munches in our shared community. I figure people are often different on the net than they are in real life and perhaps you are not so judgemental.

Michael, I accepted your invitation to a cup of coffee (even though I thought it was sarcastically given) and you did not reply to it. Any time, I'll take you up on it.

I also tried to explain my comment to you and make peace, after you emailed me about my lack of credibility since I hadn't started any "scene" groups. You deleted it without reading it.

I, too, understand that people can come across differently in "real life" than on a message board. If at any time you wish to toss this bullshit between us in the garbage and meet over a cup of coffee, be it at a munch or otherwise, I would be happy to do so.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 47

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 10:35:29 AM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

I can not relate to this at all , maybe due to me not being in a local "scene " but i am a part of the bdsm kink fetish community .I was never forced to join but welcomed and supported .Sorry to the OP that the whole thing was so bad , perhaps widen your search for the supportive community , maybe you only found a small clique , with lots of drama .

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 48

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 10:53:57 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
I look at people who never get involved in the local community as suspect. I mean if you are into this stuff seeing how others make things work has to be useful and educational. Being around fellow perverts so you can truly be yourself can be liberating

Michael,
With all due respect, I must give a differing view. I am, as you say, "into this stuff" but do not find I must go watch and listen to others so that I can "truly be" myself. I just do what I feel I need to and what pleases Him without outside "instruction." I can be more myself with Him and by doing what He wants how He wants it done than I have ever been in my life. Going to public events and comparing and contrasting myself and my actions with others in order to learn what He wants just seems counter-productive. I enjoy reading some books and different online sites but still don't necessarily employ what works for others. I am glad the "scene" has been so wonderful for you and others. We hold no interest in it and don't feel we need to for any education or liberation. We handle that quite well without outside instruction and so do many others. Just another viewpoint...........luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 49

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 10:58:52 AM

khem

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

I think the trick is to cast a wide net and not get too turned off by a few bad apples. I have met some really excellent friends and some really horrible people from these sorts of things. It's unfortunate that the badest apples are often the loudest and attend every event, but I think munches and local events are good for making friends with the other, more polite folks. I also still go to troll for new people, lest they get the impression that the one bad apple they meet is *everyone* in the lifestyle.

It doesn't suprise me in the least that the groups fall victim to drama, back-stabbing, and other nonsense. We're people who play with power; some people just can't respect boundaries. If your local scene drives you nutso, call up the folks who also have stopped going to stuff and plan your own events. Seek out the very cool and well mannered people on the fringes of groups and find out what they do (and then carpool with them!).

(in reply to azropedntied)

Post #: 50

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 11:01:24 AM

khem

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

Also, in case I didn't get the message across, it's just a bunch of individuals that makes a group. Not everyone is going to suck all of the time. Find em, and you've got your own kinky social network.

(in reply to khem)

Post #: 51

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 11:07:15 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

~Married to Master on 5-1-08~

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 52

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 11:20:06 AM

lronitulstahp

Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

one needs to be a member there to be "safe".

I've heard that one before lol.

i have noticed recently the idea that a person is somehow more credible in whatever role they choose, if they are active in local BDSM communities. i don't believe in that nonsense. Participation in the scene can also be a way for predators to narrow the prey. There are dangerous people, posers, scammers and fakes that may be active in the BDSM scene, and genuine, committed, experienced people outside the scene. i don't think it should be a criteria for being involved in BDSM. Some people are private, some people can't be active at the risk of losing their livelihoods...children...(custody issues) some people just have all they want, and don't feel a need to be surrounded by kinksters on a social level. Part of the beauty of wiitwd is the freedom from judgement about any TRUE way.... it should allow for freedom and individuality in everyone's kink.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 53

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 11:40:36 AM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I look at people who never get involved in the local community as suspect.

This would be judging people of whom you know zero. 'Not wise.

I can understand the sentiment, to an extent; where a person is known to a community, he/she can be referenced. On the other hand, however, not being known to a community doesn't equate to being suspect.

Some people are private individuals, Michael, who seek a like-minded soulmate rather than a community, its trappings and inevitable power struggles.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I mean if you are into this stuff seeing how others make things work has to be useful and educational.

Of course it is, and if suspending someone from the ceiling is your thing, then you're going to have to dip your toes into the water at some point and learn the techniques. But learning techniques is far from the be all and end all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Being around fellow perverts so you can truly be yourself can be liberating

Hmmm, highly dubious.

I'd argue the contrary - I'm myself every minute of every day, and, if anything, being involved in such a community is restrictive because, as with any group, there are unwritten codes of behaviour to follow - some of which, you may be inclined to disagree with.

Edited for spelling.

< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 5/11/2008 11:42:10 AM >

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 54

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 11:51:12 AM

HieroV

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lronitulstahp

my local scene is pretty typical i suppose. There are people there who are really earnest and care about leather issues. There are petty subs and dumbassed doms, wonderful couples that give you hope,

In my year of attending the local D/S group - it was seeing the occasionaly wonderful happy couples interact and tak with them that would make my week. It made me feel it was not impossible to establish a loving lasting relationship.

I attended the recent Dark Odyssey in DC and had a lot of fun trying out new things. I bumped into this couple who were from the UK. It was wonderful to watch them play. I talked to them twice over the weekend and it was a kick to see how much they were really into each other and enjoyed each others company.

HieroV

(in reply to lronitulstahp)

Post #: 55

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 11:52:13 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent
This would be judging people of whom you know zero. 'Not wise.

I can understand the sentiment, to an extent; where a person is known to a community, he/she can be referenced. On the other hand, however, not being known to a community doesn't equate to being suspect.

Of course it does. 'suspect' doesn't mean guilty. There are many who dare not step out of the shadows given the number of people they have fucked over, they would be recognsed and their next potential target likely to find out BEFORE they make the mistake of trusting them. Someone unwilling to step out of the shodows, someone 'private' is going to be suspect until proven that isn't the reason... assuming they ever get the chance to proove anything, but that comes along with the choice they make.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 56

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 11:58:43 AM

Alumbrado

Posts: 5560
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent
This would be judging people of whom you know zero. 'Not wise.

I can understand the sentiment, to an extent; where a person is known to a community, he/she can be referenced. On the other hand, however, not being known to a community doesn't equate to being suspect.

Of course it does. 'suspect' doesn't mean guilty. There are many who dare not step out of the shadows given the number of people they have fucked over, they would be recognsed and their next potential target likely to find out BEFORE they make the mistake of trusting them. Someone unwilling to step out of the shodows, someone 'private' is going to be suspect until proven that isn't the reason... assuming they ever get the chance to proove anything, but that comes along with the choice they make.

And there are those whose reaction to having fucked over a number of people is to become prominent or even head of a local lifestyle group in search of new victims.
The whole bad guy 'lurking from shame' notion belongs on TV. So does the idea that the 'community' will out the bad guys. There is a good reason why CM doesn't allow blacklists, remember?

The whole premise that there is such a thing as 'the local scene' is pure BS.
It is people, acting like people, with a kink. Some of them get together and play nice, some don't, some sit off to the side and snipe, others go their own way.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 57

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 12:05:35 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Someone unwilling to step out of the shodows

'Stepping out of the shadows' is bordering on the emotive and sensationalised.

I'd prefer to term it stepping out of the comfort of your home.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

someone 'private' is going to be suspect until proven that isn't the reason

I disagree. Being a 'suspect' demands behaviour from which to be suspicious. Assuming you don't know the ins and outs of the next man's behaviour in his own home, I'm struggling to understand how you can label that man "suspect".

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

... assuming they ever get the chance to proove anything, but that comes along with the choice they make.

Perhaps this is the crux of where we part company - some of us are of the mindset that we are under no obligation to prove a single thing to anyone.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 58

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 12:44:53 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

WOW!

Some of you just can't read. As Raven said "suspect" doesn't mean guilty it means that I consider them suspect if they have ALWAYS avoided being part of the scene, I also tend to think lowly of people who make the scene their life and tend to look with favor on those who have entered and left the scene, at least in my area.

When I said "be true to yourself" I simply meant relax and not have to project an image of vanilla or whatever other masks we wear. If you reread what I wrote, I did NOT say the only way to be true was to be in the scene. For me, as a left wing liberal who loves guns and who enjoys being a sadist, there are few places I can truly just be me and not worry about being judged. I say that as someone out to my parents, out at work, and who uses my real first name in the scene and online.

As for you ownedgirlie, the stuff you say in public is not what you say in private and what I think of you would violate the TOS to mention here. Given all that I would still be polite to you, which of course isn't the same as wanting to be around you.

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 59

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/11/2008 12:49:01 PM

KruelKarol

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline

Having a bit of trouble making this work...

MY $2 say ( inflation u kno )

I like what slaveluci said that just because people
share an interest in perversions it doesnt make
it law that we will share enough common interests
to be friends even occasionally.

Also Northerngent puts it on target. if we are not
comfortable we ought to leave and we are ultimately
responsible to OURSELF for our OWN comfort

We surely do NOT need a group to give us a stamp
of approval or IF we do we are addicted to the
"pie in the sky" school of beliefs that some entity
OUTSIDE of SELF must judge us and declare us
to be OK by some arbitrary book of laws written by
a diverse bunch of tyrants who had no concept of
INNER POWER.

Yes I have done some munchies and found cliques
and everyone bowing and scraping to some pompous
Dom and play acting by mental midgets unable to
THINK for themselves.

On the other hand when I lived in NYC and environs
there were great seminars and presentations
play parties, dances, balls and back then some
FUN clubs where nearly anything goes and conex
with fun people and learning good avoidance tactics
to keep safe from some very dubious to outright
dangerous characters/stalkers.

But it was a wide open area and one could see positive
and negative and take as one chose which is how
all of life ought to be !

Now I am in Jersey and it is D-E-A-D !
Socially regressive and one step from stake burnings!
Going back to NYC is no longer feasible and it is
very boring if one isnt sometimes among kindred
SPIRITS once inawhile.

Perhaps munches are for types who need to play
in sandbox scenes and the WHOLE of BDSM needs
a new concept for real time meetings.

Online is dangerous if one does not forcefully
vet any supplicant. Any one can turn into a venemous
stalker after honeyed words and sworn loyalty.

CHOICE carries a huge PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.

And if anyone is in Jersey Shore area, get in touch.
If u are sane, safe, and not trying to get more than
acquaintance for a start I will respond with alacrity
and manners. As it should be.

First time here and happy to read so many intelligent
and mentally balanced people !

KK
`

< Message edited by KruelKarol -- 5/11/2008 12:54:18 PM >

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 60

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