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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/16/2008 10:02:26 AM   
GreedyTop


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Status: offline 		Hi XI! Hope ya have a great weekend :)

I have been diagnosed as being a Dysthymic depressive.   Given my current financial situation, I havent been able to get the meds or counseling I should.  NOrmally,this isnt an issue, as I have, over the years, learned coping mechanisms. 
The biggest thing for me (sans meds etc) is having someone close to me that GETS that it's not just me being in a pissy mood.

(thank god for this site.. seriously....)

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/16/2008 10:05:43 AM   
Asherdelampyr


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Status: offline 		Ive been diagnosed as bipolar with ADHD... (which oddly enough means I can be really bummed but energenic)
personally I always hated any meds that screw with my head... so I learned ways to cope... (though sometimes I feel the need for a hug)
how would I cope with a depressed sub? the same way id cope with anybody close to me that was depressed...


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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/16/2008 10:21:28 AM   
GreedyTop


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yeah, I'm ADD, too.  Which is not only a by-product of the depression, but comes with the NPS.  woohoo.  double whammy.



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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/16/2008 10:39:42 AM   
Tantriqu


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Status: offline 		First, to make the question more specific.
If I were in a great relationship with a sub and he became depressed because something terrible had happened, I would [and have] help him with it.   If he were still feeling just as bad after a few months, though, that would be it.  Being around a depressed man is a big suck on One's energy, and enabling by definition doesn't help anyone.
However, I wouldn't become involved with a sub with a history of depression despite being on medication+psychotherapy+exercise.  Chronic depression is by definition recurrent, and in relationships depressed people feel better and We feel worse. 
I don't date damaged, so wouldn't go out on even a vanilla date after he'd been feeling himself for six months; people generally have something go majorly wrong in their life twice a year, so it's a good idea to see a prospective sub under a degree of external stress.  If they drink because of a parking ticket or don't go out of the house for two months because it's winter, they're too much drama.   

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/16/2008 10:55:36 AM   
sirsholly


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantriqu

First, to make the question more specific.
If I were in a great relationship with a sub and he became depressed because something terrible had happened, I would [and have] help him with it.   If he were still feeling just as bad after a few months, though, that would be it.  Being around a depressed man is a big suck on One's energy, and enabling by definition doesn't help anyone.
However, I wouldn't become involved with a sub with a history of depression despite being on medication+psychotherapy+exercise.  Chronic depression is by definition recurrent, and in relationships depressed people feel better and We feel worse. 
I don't date damaged, so wouldn't go out on even a vanilla date after he'd been feeling himself for six months; people generally have something go majorly wrong in their life twice a year, so it's a good idea to see a prospective sub under a degree of external stress.  If they drink because of a parking ticket or don't go out of the house for two months because it's winter, they're too much drama.   


there are many cases where a chemical imbalance is the cause of depression (ie the physical presenting itself in the form of a mental illness).  Once the patient is on the right  dose/type of medication the depression is controlled.

If you do not date "damaged" then you really need to include ALL physical/emotional issues. You would not date a diabetic, someone with a cardiac history, lung ailment, hearing loss, contact lens wearer...etc.

And one last thing...someone with a past or current history of depression IS NOT DAMAGED!


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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/16/2008 10:59:03 AM   
DomAviator


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Status: offline 		I think there may be a little confusion between "depressed" and "depression". Ie being sad because of a traumatic event does not place a normal person in clinical depression. True clinical depression is a matter of brain chemistry - an chemical problem that can be fixed pharmacologically. To borrow of the example Tant just used - yes it can be draining to be around someone going through hard times but a person experiencing sadness, grief, etc over "something terrible" is not necessarily a person in depression and they can often be helped with a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on.  The person who drinks over the parking ticket isnt necessarily a good example cause he might be a pilot - who will drink for any excuse. (Yaaaay! I got a parking ticket lets break out the jerimiah weed and celebrate after which Ill wipe my ass with it before throwing it away!") However not leaving the house for two months - yeah that person requires medication and more help than can be given outside of a professional capacity. Can they be stabilized on meds? Will they take them? Do they WANT to be happy? Some depressed people thrive on the misery and wont do something as simple as swallowing an SSRI to help themselves.

One has to ask themselves, heartless as it may seem, how much they want to invest in the relationship. Does the person mean enough to you for you to take a long hard road and to stand by them? If so, kudos. If not, the kind thing is to cut your losses. We arent all mother theresa and I have a saying - "You cant polish a turd" Think about it - you can shine it up all day but once its gleaming and glistening what are you holding in your hand??? I did my share of "project relationships" and have come to the realization Im not a shrink and I cant fix people who need one... However, not every depressed person needs one - they may need little more than one pill a day for contentment and bliss.

< Message edited by DomAviator -- 5/16/2008 11:03:09 AM >

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/16/2008 11:01:13 AM   
GreedyTop


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From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		Holly *standing ovation*

(god I adore you :)  )

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/16/2008 11:02:42 AM   
Rule


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Status: offline 		Some subs are not depressed as a consequence of life experiences, but because it is constitutional with them. It is a see-saw kind of thing. Unfortunately some of those special subs keep focussing on the low end of the see-saw, on the devastated wasteland. By being so obsessed with that wasteland, they neglect to look at the other, high end of the see-saw. Behind them rises a mountain crowned with gold, but they do not see it because they keep looking at the wasteland. Take medication and the wasteland may disappear - but likely at the same time the mountain crowned with gold also disappears.

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/16/2008 11:03:17 AM   
pagansub77


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Sometimes I think it's hard for the partner of a depressed person because the natural instinct is to 'help' or 'fix' the one who is hurting. I've always tried to let my partners know that it's nothing they have done and it's nothing they can fix. Communicating that in a way that doesn't push them away can be a real challenge.

I find myself taking personally the comments from folks who say they would not date/get involved with a depressed person. I guess that is because it's not a persons choice to suffer from depression, any more than someone chooses to have diabetes or go bald or be asthmatic. I'm working on that, because everyone is allowed their preferences, it's just that a statement like "I don't date damaged" feels like a value judgement, not a preference.

[The preceeding are simpy one poster's thoughts]

Thanks to the folks who recognized that a chemical imbalance is a medical, not moral issue.

< Message edited by pagansub77 -- 5/16/2008 11:07:26 AM >

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/16/2008 11:07:09 AM   
GreedyTop


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From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		Ps,. I agree.. you're not alone in that feeling.

DA, well said...

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/16/2008 12:35:21 PM   
wandersalone


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomAviator

I think there may be a little confusion between "depressed" and "depression".


I definitely feel that people have a tendancy to label any minor downturn in mood as depression ...."I am so depressed that I missed the bus" rather than "I am so irritated/frustrated that I missed the bus". 

To the OP and others who may be reading this who have experienced clinical depression - yes it may seem as if no one will be interested in you however I bet you also feel at times as if you are the only person in the world who feels this bad and that no one else can every understand what you are going through and that you case is so much worse than everyone elses.... when depressed we often have unhelpful thinking styles eg. catastrophising (no one will ever want me) and this can help us to continue feeling crappy.

As I and others have mentioned there are steps that you can take that have been proven to have an impact upon clinical depression ...
  • see your doctor and medication if needed (it may take trialing a number of different medications and doses to find what is effective for you)
  • talk therapy ie. a psychologist or counsellor (not necessarily long term, in many cases up to 6 sessions can help people to notice a significant improvement)
  • being active - regular exercise even though you don't want to do it and don't feel like doing it
  • contact with people even though the last thing you want to do is talk to people...and sorry but by this I mean getting away from your computer and going out and talking to people, even if this is simply going to the local shop
  • healthy diet minimise caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, preservatives
  • regulate your sleep pattern eg. go to bed at ten pm and get out of bed at 8am
  • similar to the previous point...have a routine eg. getting out of bed, showering, having breakfast etc etc

There are a lot of other ideas as well and you can find these by looking up any websites that address depression.  Rather than looking outside at what another person needs to do in order to 'cope with a depressed submissive' focus instead on what 'I can do as a person experiencing depression'.

Life can and does get better however it takes hard work from yourself first. 

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/16/2008 4:52:56 PM   
michaelOfGeorgia


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Status: offline 		i would like to, at this time, thank all the helpful advice and input that has been posted here.

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/16/2008 7:28:19 PM   
Hippiekinkster


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quote:

ORIGINAL: cjan

I can understand that you would appeal to a very small and "select" segment of the population, dude.
Do they have four legs and go "Baaaa! Baaaa!"?

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/17/2008 12:51:51 AM   
Justme696


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just don't think it will go away by it self. Be there for her..and as the first replier said...send her to a docter.
And give her time. DOn't let her think you might leave because of this.

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/17/2008 5:34:41 AM   
Aneirin


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From: Tamaris
Status: offline 		If I were a Dom, I would see taking on a 'broken toy' as a challenge as it is with me I like to try and repair things and if there was anything I could do to help a person, I would do it, as it is what I find takes my mind off my own depressive issues, focusing on others.

From experience, the meds take away most of the normal day to day edges, that is when one can remember to take them, (depressives often have memory issues). Counselling only goes so far, but it takes a specialy interested person to be the best kind of counsellor, a partner who cares can be that person.

I believe a relationship is a good thing for a depressed person, as often those depressives alone, the ones that most others on here would not touch with a shitty stick, need and thrive on attention, it is part of the cure, as is with a D/s situation, someone else taking control and making sure the depressive does all the right things, to help themselves, like exercise, remembering meds, diet etc. Someone with the correct Dominant skills is an ideal for a depressive and for the Dominant, they have more to achieve and can take satisfaction seeing someone grow they themselves had a hand in.

A depressive who has someone with interest in them is keen to please and will often be the best that they can be  for that person thus providing a Dominant with a worthy submissive.

One just has to remember, a depressive is not an alien species, but a human being who just happens to have a few issues, many of which can be cured. And I do wonder, all these others who vaunt that they would have nought to do with a broken toy, are they themselves issue free, healthy and perfect.


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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/17/2008 5:44:39 AM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		well...out of the many years i have had to deal with this depression (which, by the way, gets labelled differently, depending on the doctor) i have seen more doctors than i can count, but never get far with treatment since, after a certain length of time, they switch me to someone else and the new doctor starts back at square one (like they can't read a damned chart). i have been on so many meds in my life, but after 3 months, i develope an immunity to the meds and they're like placebos to me. i've tried combination after combination of meds to no avail. it's like nothing ever works for any length of time before i'm back in the dumps again. maybe this makes me damaged goods and there's no aid to be seen in the forseeable future. i suppose this is the cross i have to bare...alone.

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/17/2008 6:22:29 AM   
VelvetMaam


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Status: offline 		Except that you aren't bearing it alone because you are in a relationship, with the girlfriend that you profess to love and take care of.   Does she not in turn love and support YOU?  What emotional support would a Mistress who would be basically a play partner and not a life partner (because you have a life partner already) offer that your girlfriend does not?

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/17/2008 6:26:28 AM   
michaelOfGeorgia


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Status: offline 		i try not to trouble her with my problems

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/17/2008 6:43:22 AM   
Rule


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quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelOfGeorgia
it's like nothing ever works for any length of time before i'm back in the dumps again. maybe this makes me damaged goods and there's no aid to be seen in the forseeable future. i suppose this is the cross i have to bare...alone.
Your liver is simply working overtime to detoxify the drugs that you consume and after three months it manages to detoxify all of it. This depression in my opinion is constitutional for you, meant to be. No, you are not damaged goods. You are a true sub and it is as it is.
What all those medications have done is preventing you from adapting to and to get on good terms with your depression. Stop focusing on that wasteland and instead focus on those things that you are good at. Your depression is only a problem for any dominant because you see it as a problem.
 
Yes, you have to bear your cross alone. We all have to. But that does not imply that you cannot have a relationship with a domme. In fact in my opinion you having a dominant will do you a world of good - and therefore not make you as much as a problem for a dominant as you perceive yourself to be.
 
You think that you have a problem? The other year I touched someone on his forehead. Some time later that particular spot of skin had to be surgically removed. I touch someone and they get ill and eventually die. I do not dare to touch anyone, am even afraid for their sake to shake hands. That is a PROBLEM.

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RE: How do you cope with a depressed submissive - 5/17/2008 8:53:08 AM   
slvemike4u


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Status: offline 		What all those medications have done is preventing you from adapting to and to get on good terms with your depression.            wow ....get on good terms with your depression.......how does one go about that.....Having went a round or two with depression,and after seeking help I had a therapist who defined clinical depression for me as someone who's normal state is depression who could not tell you why he was depressed "luckily" for me I was able to define the reasons for my depression(younger brothers death followed closely by my divorce).As such working my way thru it and finding sunlight at the other end was just a matter of going through the grief and turning the page on my marriage.The idea that someone suffering from clinical depression should get on good terms with his /her depression is mindboggling and incredibly insensitive to the real suffering that a clinically depressed person goes through every day..

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