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RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 9:49:41 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

What I have to wonder is why you are taking what *I* find fulfilling and what *I* don't in *MY* relationship as though that somehow defines or lessens what *YOU* like or don't in yours. Trust me.....I FULLY understand the issue and have made my decision in regards *Me* based on that understanding.

My apologizes... dare I admit it, :-) actually struck a trigger by complete accident on your end.   I totally disagree with the whole thought process that a Dom being a bottom means they are submitting to another person.   Yes, I will debate, argue, and hold to this position until I'm shot and killed, hell freezes over, A large rock collides with the earth and wipes us all out. I will advocate for all us Doms, especially myself, that this does not mean we are submitting nor being submissive.

I can honestly not speak, nor advocate for anybody who's is in fact of switch orientation on this matter. It's my firm belief that people take D/s and over apply to the nth degree at times. Perhaps, I'm too liberal in my Domly ways...

Oh geee... honey... but it would really really really super please me... if you were to pick up the flogger.... and be.. a good little girl... and give Daddy.... some good loving pain... to help him relieve...some stress.... now now.... it's ok.... I want you to do this.... Come on.... Do it for me....... :^)   you can do it... I trust and believe in you.... there's nothing to worry about... I know you can do...

Again Sorry, I am rather passionate about this topic.   I just wish more people were a little more open minded about it.   Like I said, I feel it's the result of D/s being applied to everything to the nth degree.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 41

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 9:56:13 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

If I can stick my nose in erin - I don't believe Whip is so much taking it personally - but from the other side of the flogger and my persepctive - the question on 'switches who say they are doms' - people think that because you might like to be bound, or because you might enjoy being whipped, that makes you a switch. And as much as you know and I know that it doesn't make any difference what people outside our relationships think, it is ultimately annoying and frustrating to be judged on what you do.

It's like being told over and over, that because you practise BDSM, means you must be abusive or being abused. And you know that isn't 100% true.

the.dark.

You're absolutely right. When I referenced men who would, a few weeks in, tell me that "they also enjoyed being on the other end of the flogger" they weren't talking about an action. They were saying that sometimes they like to submit, sometimes they want the roles reversed and they want to be the bottom, they want to be dominated. This thread was about switches who say they are doms. My point is, if you know that you are a switch, communicate that early on. If being dominated or topped is what you want occasionally....say so....up front. If you really want what you want out of life, and you really want to be with a partner that bests suits you, your desires, your needs and your wants....then know who you are, know what those desires, needs and wants are....and communicate them. Too many relationships fail or the people in them are miserable because they did not take the time up front to communicate who they are and what they were ultimately looking for in a partner.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 42

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 10:08:03 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

You're absolutely right. When I referenced men who would, a few weeks in, tell me that "they also enjoyed being on the other end of the flogger" they weren't talking about an action. They were saying that sometimes they like to submit, sometimes they want the roles reversed and they want to be the bottom, they want to be dominated. This thread was about switches who say they are doms. My point is, if you know that you are a switch, communicate that early on. If being dominated or topped is what you want occasionally....say so....up front. If you really want what you want out of life, and you really want to be with a partner that bests suits you, your desires, your needs and your wants....then know who you are, know what those desires, needs and wants are....and communicate them. Too many relationships fail or the people in them are miserable because they did not take the time up front to communicate who they are and what they were ultimately looking for in a partner.

Why those Damn Sneaky Bastards... actually that's about as bad as my seach for a Domme for a Power couple at one time. Had a few I was getting to know but after some time they expressed an interest in submitting. Gone is the whole idea of the Dom Power Couple in my mind.

I basically let somebody know, I enjoy a little pain from time to time. That I don't want to be Dominanted in the process either. I try to compare it to the same as back massage. Which a flogging at the right intensitiy actually is pleasurable like a good back massage. Just some people think floggers are good only for delivery of pain. Another misconception in itself.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 43

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 10:11:25 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

Which a flogging at the right intensitiy actually is pleasurable like a good back massage. Just some people think floggers are good only for delivery of pain. Another misconception in itself.

See now, if my dominant told me he had a huge knot in his back and asked if I could see if I could work it out with a flogger....hey, no problem. If he wanted me to flog him while calling him a nasty little bad boy and stick a dildo up his ass while I did it.....BIG freaking difference.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)

Post #: 44

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 10:14:03 AM

vield

Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

A problem we face in the on-line world is that not everyone is what they claim to be, and some try to be whatever a potential partner wants just to make a connection, even when the persons real interests are different.

For me, I feel the only labels which are valid are those a person applies to their own forehead. I also feel that I can not really know what the label means to them and others do not really know what my label means to me, unless we have a good in depth dialog about this means to each of us.

I call myself a switch even though I am dom most of the time because while I am totally dom to those submissive to me, I KNOW that there are women of great personal power whose charisma would draw me to worship them if the occasion permitted.

This has little to do with playing or role playing it is all in the energy of the connection between us.

It is rare that I ever can switch (other than in simple play) with the same person.

There are times that a person is awakening to what is truly right for themself that a formerly dom partner learns it is ok and may be natural for them to submit to someone. There are also times when the truly very submissive partner begins to learn that they have got a dominant energy within that requires the person to learn to take charge. It may not work for someone to allow that former sub or slave to now take charge, but if in fact you can do this, your experiences may be sweet beyond belief. The sub side teacing a new domme to take charge of you can be extremely wonderful.

_____________________________

As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

(in reply to bbwdommelilith)

Post #: 45

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 10:25:06 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
See now, if my dominant told me he had a huge knot in his back and asked if I could see if I could work it out with a flogger....hey, no problem. If he wanted me to flog him while calling him a nasty little bad boy and stick a dildo up his ass while I did it.....BIG freaking difference.

Yeah!! That would be a mind bender to deal with...

I actually had somebody try spanking my ass during sex! It totally started to turn me off. Had to stop everything in the middle and let her know "Don't Spank My ass", it's turning me off. Take your finger nails instead and dig deep and hard into my back... then after a little while she tried that Ass spanking thing! Totally tossed me out of the mood for Sex. This was years ago, when it happened. A little before I discovered the lifestyle. I just knew, Gee... certain things instantly turn me off.. and put me out of the mood.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 46

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 10:33:26 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
See now, if my dominant told me he had a huge knot in his back and asked if I could see if I could work it out with a flogger....hey, no problem. If he wanted me to flog him while calling him a nasty little bad boy and stick a dildo up his ass while I did it.....BIG freaking difference.

Yeah!! That would be a mind bender to deal with...

I actually had somebody try spanking my ass during sex! It totally started to turn me off. Had to stop everything in the middle and let her know "Don't Spank My ass", it's turning me off. Take your finger nails instead and dig deep and hard into my back... then after a little while she tried that Ass spanking thing! Totally tossed me out of the mood for Sex. This was years ago, when it happened. A little before I discovered the lifestyle. I just knew, Gee... certain things instantly turn me off.. and put me out of the mood.

Yup. Topping or dominating my owner falls right in line with 'things that instantly turn me off'.I'm in erins and the others (sorry, lazy day and not looking your nicks back up lol) who say that this would throw the balance off in a very bad way. A couple of posts back you asked why people can't take D/s out of a scene?Well for me (me me me only me and anyone who happens to agree) the D/s does not ever disappear. It can't not exist so I can't just remove it from a scene which is why topping is a no-go.Maybe I'm a snob or inflexible, or maybe that is just the way that I'm made.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)

Post #: 47

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 11:15:24 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65
Yup. Topping or dominating my owner falls right in line with 'things that instantly turn me off'. I'm in erins and the others (sorry, lazy day and not looking your nicks back up lol) who say that this would throw the balance off in a very bad way.
A couple of posts back you asked why people can't take D/s out of a scene? Well for me (me me me only me and anyone who happens to agree) the D/s does not ever disappear. It can't not exist so I can't just remove it from a scene which is why topping is a no-go. Maybe I'm a snob or inflexible, or maybe that is just the way that I'm made.

Yes, I did make a remark about removing D/s out of things. But it from this stand point of view.   Activities such as body painting, temporary body art.   Both D and s can take turns in doing, with it being much of a question. As a Matter of fact, probally not too many people will be of D/s frame of mind while engaging in this activitity.   Then there are Body massages, again both D and s, taking turns at the top and bottom in another activity.   Again, case in point where people are not overthinking matters with D/s.   However, certain activities, it's become an instant application of D/s to the activitity at hand. Yes, I know I often talk about how I enjoy floggers.

I most certain would never expect for a submissive to flog me in the middle of sex!

Yikes, it's just a stand alone activity in itself.   With that said, I'll put my foot in my mouth and now eat it some!! Yum Yum Yum! It's more accurate for me to express why can't people take thier D/s roles out of certain activities at times, while they can others.

Now in the case of a DOM who wanted to be verbally humilated and have Dildo's shoved up his ass, and used by a submissive!! CLEARLY a SWITCH... Which is what this topic should be all about DOMs who are really switches. Not DOMS who enjoy a little pain now and again, or Doms that top from the bottom.

I've only poked my nose in on this thread to make a distinction between the Two.

(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 48

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 11:48:58 AM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bbwdommelilith

A friend of mine recently suggested that I change my profile name to reflect the fact that I have realized that I am a switch. This, of course, makes perfect sense. BUT...I have also noticed that I get contacted by men whose profiles say that they are doms, but upon further questioning are really switches.So in some ways I am really getting what I want. What is going on here, and SHOULD I change my name?

Lilith

As it's been said a lot: put up whast you think is right for you and why you're here.

Me, I'm a switch. I used to list myself as such on my profile and I just found it a headache... I'm only looking for subs/slaves, bottoms, and friends here. I already have someone I submit to in play from time to time and I've a number of people I can bottom to -and new friends can add to that number if we suit. It's most accurate to say my dominant/top self is the one here looking and meeting, it's the 98% or so of my functioning also.

Plus, I found filling and keeping up the profile as a switch was a pain in the butt. The interest list doesn't give a way to show whether you like giving or getting on the various activities (except massage) and a lot of things I like but are only in one direction. I also got a TON of nonsense mail from dominant males. I still get the most moronic now that I'm only listed as dominant, but now I mainly only get the submissive male nonsense letters... I pretty much cut my garbage mail in half or better. And my profile text is already a novel just for my dominant seeking sub/bottoms part...

If I started actively seeking a dominant or topping partner here on CM, I'd most likely start up a second sub/bottom profile in addition to my dominant/top one for the sake of clarity and ease. Anyone that talks to me for more than a week or meets me a time or two usually knows I switch, no big deal.

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 5/22/2008 11:57:05 AM >

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to bbwdommelilith)

Post #: 49

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 3:36:03 PM

bbwdommelilith

Posts: 81
Joined: 10/25/2006
Status: offline

Thanks for your post. I want to clarify that I make a clear distinction between being submissive as opposed to occasional enjoyment of being topped. I had initially been confused about- but found a great explanation of- the difference,

The terms dom(me)/sub refer to who is in control; top/bottom refers to activity. I wish that I could recall the reference.

Lilith

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)

Post #: 50

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 3:48:21 PM

bbwdommelilith

Posts: 81
Joined: 10/25/2006
Status: offline

In my first BDSM relationship my role was submissive. At that time I was convinced that I was a domme, but then met a dom to whom I was very attracted. Being new, I decided to experiment, and...surprise!...discovered that there was a terrifying thrill to being submissive. However, I AM a switch, and one night he allowed me to top him. It was VERY erotic, and I felt very honored that he trusted me to do this. And though I FELT in control, it was very clear to me that it was a tenuous, limited control that had been bestowed upon me, and that I had darn well better be aware of this and respect it. I did.

Lilith

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 51

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 6:56:16 PM

Hierarch

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/17/2008
Status: offline

I've found that arguing semantics tends to be as useful as arguing opinions.

That said, I could act like a sub, maybe even enter the inner mindspace (not a word) of one during a scene, but I don't think that's what makes you a sub. Not to me. It's like asking how can someone be straight if they have had sex with someone of the same sex. Sexuality, and by extension an individual, is much more complex and fluid than a sexual (f)act, that's how.

@ToysAndTies: The slider wouldn't be a half-bad idea, inaccurate as it were, it would still allow for more freedom in defining our profile. Say BYE-BYE to searching along those lines though.

(in reply to ToysAndTies)

Post #: 52

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 8:39:32 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

Nope, don't change a thing. Cuz then I'd have to consider changing mine and I really don't want to be bothered.

(in reply to ToysAndTies)

Post #: 53

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/22/2008 11:27:12 PM

bbwdommelilith

Posts: 81
Joined: 10/25/2006
Status: offline

This is a discussion, not an argument. I used to enjoy debating, but have realized that I have never managed to changed anyone's mind about anything. Leave arguments to the lawyers.

Lilith

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 54

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/23/2008 9:19:52 AM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

Your a domme` who likes to bottom/switch at times....

So what!

My vote?

Leave your name alone...

(in reply to bbwdommelilith)

Post #: 55

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/24/2008 7:13:03 PM

LushLadyLilith

Posts: 26
Joined: 5/24/2008
Status: offline

OK- thank you ALL for your opinions; I think that my friend may have also have been referring to the "BBW" part of my name; I may not conform to what people usually think of as "BBW". And now I don't care- after all, I have a pic with my profile.

My mindset is indeed more domme than sub, but I've decided that I don't really want to define myself by my name. So it's official- the new name is LushLadyLilith.

And I like it.

LLL.

(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 56

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/24/2008 7:14:51 PM

LushLadyLilith

Posts: 26
Joined: 5/24/2008
Status: offline

Damn. Pic hasn't been approved yet, and as far as # of posts, I've been demoted back to vanilla. Oh, well...

LLL.

(in reply to LushLadyLilith)

Post #: 57

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/24/2008 7:36:51 PM

ImpGrrl

Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

good old topping from the bottom will be back!!
IF people don't mind that, they should do what makes them happy.

What does what MasterFireMaam said have to do with topping from the bottom?

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 58

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/24/2008 8:03:43 PM

HarryVanWinkle

Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ToysAndTies
A better way for collarme to set up the sub/dom/switch part of profiles would be a slider bar of some kind, with sub at one end and dom at the other. Picking a spot on a spectrum is usually a better fit than choosing a box.

While I agree that picking a spot on a spectrum would be better then choosing a box, I think the spectrum needs more than one sliding scale. I have known masochistic dominants, in fact, I am somewhat of one myself. Does this mean I like to "top from the bottom?" Absolutely not. When I'm bottoming, I like the top to do as she pleases, as long as it's within my rather wide limits. And I prefer NOT knowing just what she's going to do.

I have known sadistic slaves. One of my favorite tops is one.

(in reply to ToysAndTies)

Post #: 59

RE: Switches who say they are doms - 5/24/2008 8:10:24 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Well congrats Lilith on the new LLL rating

It's been an interesting discussion. From My perspective:
Like Rumpus, I am here mostly as a Domme because I am here looking for subs. The sub side of me already has Master and i'm a submit to One at a time kind of girl! So there wouldn't be any point having a profile as violet, i'd just be wasting a lot of people's time (including my own!).

I am clear in My profile that I go both ways, but I don't think of Myself as a typical switch. I am happiest when both sides are operating simultaneously rather than flipping from one to the other. I don't seek to switch with the same person, although Master and i started out the other way around, once that switch reset ... it's staying as it is. (Sadly for Me as He has such a spankable ass LOL!). While His sub side came out then, it was under certain and not repeatable circumstances and neither of Us foresee it emerging again. IF it did, I would expect Him to find someone else to bottom to, I can't see the 2 of Us switching. That's probably because He knows I have a genuinely Dominant side, it wouldn't be just a matter of Him bottoming and Me service topping! However, unlike some of the other fem subs here, that wouldn't squick Me out, I'd just be happy knowing His needs are being met (I might be a bit jealous if She got to spank that ass though

).

I find it most interesting that male subs don't seem to be as squicked out as often as female ones by the prospect of seeing their Domme submitting to another man. If anything, they are more respectful knowing I am not asking of them more than i am yielding as a sub. And once they watch Master give me a spanking ... well they are usually somewhat awed at what i can take ... and seeking reassurance "You won't let Master spank me will You Ma'am?"

Now, please note, I am not decrying those like erin and camille who say it's not for them to see it, let alone do it. I understand that entirely ... I just don't share the feeling. I am interested in what seems to be a gender difference here. Is there really one? Speak up male subs!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to ImpGrrl)

Post #: 60

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