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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 8:13:36 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112
Consequences  exist either way.  And so it really boils down to which consequences do you want in your life?

What a wise and succinct answer, celticlord.  Thank you..............luci

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To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to celticlord2112)
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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 8:18:21 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub
I cheated 5 years ago after 34 years of loyalty, and admit it on every thread about cheating, so won't repeat the details here

I have read many threads but don't recall reading about that.  I'll have to do a search.  I'd be interested to know why you chose to do that after so many years of loyalty. 
quote:

 I'm not proud of it and don't believe "once a cheater always a cheater"

Neither do I.  That's total BS.  You're never "once anything, always anything."  Anyone can change for the better.
quote:

I don't recommend  it but i do understand why it happens and i don't judge those who choose to do so

You just summed up in one sentence what I've been trying to impart.
quote:

We worked things out  and our 40th anniversary is next week.

Congratualations!!!! That is terrific.  What a wonderful spouse you must have and he has a pretty great one too.  Thanks for your honest, inspiring answer, proudsub.....................luci

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To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 8:19:52 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Quick reply without reading others' answers.

The reason I condemn it so harshly is because I have been on both ends of it; and it's devastating no matter which part you play.

You ruin lives, destroy love, and lose the respect of yourself and others.

It's why I highly dis-recommend it.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to MasterGyre)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 8:28:35 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Quick reply without reading others' answers.

The reason I condemn it so harshly is because I have been on both ends of it; and it's devastating no matter which part you play.

You ruin lives, destroy love, and lose the respect of yourself and others.

It's why I highly dis-recommend it.

"Dis-recommend," eh?  I like that.  Thanks for your answer, blushes.  I agree that all those things CAN happen and HAVE happened.  I just don't think that's the case in every situation and that's the perspective from which I posed my question.  I don't believe that it's devastating in every instance for all parties or that it has to ruin and destroy everyone involved in some way.  It's not ideal behavior, of course, but I just believe that it's not always as horrible as people imagine. 

I said earlier that I had a negative "pattern" of "serial cheating" (to quote LA).  It wasn't that every experience/relationship of "cheating" was negative or harmful but that my repetition of certain behaviors over and over wasn't positive or healthy for me.  I still maintain there are certain relationships I participated in that were positive to both me and my partner in them even if he was in another primary relationship.  They weren't all destructive in every sense.  That was more what I was trying to impart and get feedback on.  So far, no one has discussed similar feelings or experiences.  Maybe I'm just warped.

Thanks for your answer, blushes..............luci

PS- Is that a new pic?  Lovely, btw

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 6/11/2008 8:29:03 PM >

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 8:30:54 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Here in Kentucky dis-recommend is a spelling wurd.

_____________________________

~Christina

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(in reply to slaveluci)
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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 8:33:14 PM   
Real_Trouble


Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Here in Kentucky dis-recommend is a spelling wurd.


I have a new hard limit: Kentucky.


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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 8:33:39 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Here in Kentucky dis-recommend is a spelling wurd.

....I lived briefly in Knox County, KY and spent time...err, "did" time, ahem....in Somerset.  Have pals in Harlan and Hazard and Middlesboro and Corbin........lovely state, really..............luci

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To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 8:37:29 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		I have cheated before and the outcome was not good.  We were friends.  However, his marriage was not good and I was still single, which was a very exciting time for me.  I was not proud of what I did and I have learned a valuable lesson.  He also separated from his wife.  There was a point that I would have loved to have married him but he refused to divorce the wife because of his financial situation.  At that time, I felt I wanted more than what he could give me. 

When I was married to my ex-husband, I had this gut instinct that he cheated on me because during the last two years of my marriage, there was no sex between us.  I was working the 9-5 job and he was working evenings.  Even when we were alone together, he would drink and get pretty nasty.  I believe he was more interested in partying than being with his family.  One day, a nasty incident occurred between he and I, which he was arrested.  The day he got arrested was the day I cheated on him with an ex-coworker.  After having a miserable existence for my marriage, the cheating was a relief for me because this man made me feel alive and attractive. This was very liberating for me.

I don't condone cheating because of the dishonesty.  However, I have listened to other people's stories as to why they cheated on their spouses and have to understand what I would do if I were in their shoes.  I guess I am learning to be less judgmental and more tolerant. 

< Message edited by corsetgirl -- 6/11/2008 8:40:42 PM >

(in reply to MasterGyre)
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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 8:59:22 PM   
slvemike4u


Posts: 17896
Joined: 1/15/2008
From: United States
Status: offline
What a refreshing answer, sunshinemiss.  Thank you.  You're right, it's not the way to go.  I've caught partners cheating and it really wasn't that "punch in the gut" to me.  Master, on the other hand, won't tolerate such behavior.  To even think of disobeying and hurting Him upsets me.  I finally have something valuable enough to not want to lose it.  That's what has stopped my pattern of cheating.  I'm not sure anything else ever would have...................luci
[/quote] See right there thats the thing and thats what i want a second shot at...'something valuble enough to not want to lose it'...or want to take the chance of hurting it....thats love and if I'm lucky enough to find it(maybe for the first time I don't think my ex and I ever loved each other at the same time)I will not risk it...way too rare ...way too valuable

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 9:51:40 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I tried to fix the relationship but one person can't. Since he didn't want any part of me I decided I was free to do what I wanted as long as I understood the meaning of the word discretion. Which I did. Having this support gave me the ability to look at how bad my life was, and to realize that I deserved more than my ex thought I did. And eventually to go and get it...
However when all you ever get is crumbs, there's damn little reason not to go out and get a real piece of cake.

Thank you for posting this, Des, as it describes my feelings perfectly. When one partner cuts the other off physically and emotionally, and refuses to even try to fix what is wrong, it's devastating. IMO, one who does this has forfeited their right to expect fidelity, as the marriage is dead. All that is left is for the other to get to the place where they have the strength to walk away- which is not as easy as some make it sound, esp if the marriage in question is one of many years. 

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 12:41:31 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I tried to fix the relationship but one person can't. Since he didn't want any part of me I decided I was free to do what I wanted as long as I understood the meaning of the word discretion. Which I did. Having this support gave me the ability to look at how bad my life was, and to realize that I deserved more than my ex thought I did. And eventually to go and get it...
However when all you ever get is crumbs, there's damn little reason not to go out and get a real piece of cake.

Thank you for posting this, Des, as it describes my feelings perfectly. When one partner cuts the other off physically and emotionally, and refuses to even try to fix what is wrong, it's devastating. IMO, one who does this has forfeited their right to expect fidelity, as the marriage is dead. All that is left is for the other to get to the place where they have the strength to walk away- which is not as easy as some make it sound, esp if the marriage in question is one of many years. 



I loved Des's answer.  As my very Christian sister told me, "Hey, he cheated you when he denied you affection and stopped being the husband he vowed to be."  What a refreshing response. It's interesting that this is the vow everyone gets so wacked out about, when there are other vows that marrieds break which can be just as damaging and painful, if not worse.

My ex husband didn't touch me for many years, and when he "discovered" my dildo he said masturbating was cheating on him.  I remember telling him, "Well if you won't touch me, and I can't touch me, someone else is going to touch me.  Because I'm telling you right now - I will be touched."

He still didn't touch me and the dildo got boring, so off I went.

And luci, wow girl, you are brave for starting this post!! 

I remember I used to wish my ex was cheating on me - I could have handled that far better than some of the other crap he did.

As for the "Once a cheater, always a cheater" crap - ignorance at its best.  I wouldn't dream of lying to my Master or cheating on him.  When you're satisfied in your relationship, those thoughts don't cross your mind.  Cheating is generally a symptom of a much bigger problem, and usually both parties own that problem.

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Good is the enemy of great.

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 12:53:13 AM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
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(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 1:43:45 AM   
JulieorSarah


Posts: 552
Joined: 8/25/2007
Status: offline 		Haven't read all the posts but some things to ponder. 
  • Walk a mile in the other's shoes before judging
  • Don't blame 'the other party' eg she took my man!  If he/she didn't want to go he/she wouldn't have.
  • Avoid the 'bird in the hand while looking for the one in the bush' .. look at the relationship you are in work to fix it or get out and try again, doing two or more at once without knowledge or consent is cheating them and you (sounds trite but it's true)

Yes i've learned from my own history ... he was treating me badly, an emotional (and other forms of subtle) abuse ... 'Why get a dog and bark yourself ... so he thought you were good looking, where was his seeing eye dog, or how many drinks did he have ...
I should have told him how his comments, and other stuff affected me and myself esteem, rather than falling into the arms of the first sleeze bag who gave me any positive attention.  I'm not proud of myself, but i've learned from it ... and if i should do it again, regardless of the cause (basically my disrespect for myself and him) i'd tell him, it's a symptom of the disease in the relationship and we both need to find the cure.

(in reply to WyldHrt)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 1:59:58 AM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		Luci, I did say that I have never cheated on another thread.  It's the truth, but I don't judge others for their faults.  I have done a lot of bad things in my life, and I try not to judge others.

I have stole things, I have lied, I have been manipulative, and I have put my own interests above other people when I shouldn't have.  No one is perfect and I never meant that in my post about not cheating.  I do believe cheating is wrong, and I have been cheated on.  It's a horrible feeling to discover you've been betrayed by someone you love.  I couldn't do it.  But I can't and won't pretend sainthood.  I have done equally vile things to other people.  I have not always been my best.  No one has, we all have faults. 

I am sorry if my posts claiming innocence in the realm of fidelity caused you grief.  I may not have cheated sexually with my partners.  But I have certainly strayed from the narrow path. 

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 2:58:22 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

I've been married once and would never marry again. Not because my marriage was particularly bad or that my wife was bad, hell she was great but I couldn't stand the claustrophobia of one relationship. I then had a relatively serious relationship with a bitch (cheating) and then decided relationships of any seriousness are a waste of time and emotional energy which I prefer to plough into my work. So now I tell women I meet I'm not interested in a serious relationship, just a little fun and I don't care if the woman I'm with is in a relationship or not, she is an adult and that's her business. Over the last several years I've dated quite a few married women, they seem to like the idea that I won't allow a serious relationship to happen and complicate their lives. I have to add, part of my work just happens to bring me into contact with many women, I don't actually cruise the streets and shopping malls desperately searching for them. I'm also aware they are looking at me through rose tinted spectacles because I'm a little excitment in their lives. I know damn well that most women I date wouldn't give me house room because I just wouldn't bring home the bacon and keep them in the lifestyle they have grown accyustomed to. I suppose most of them have tedious middleclass lives out in the suburbs and just want a little harmless acventure but yes, its cheating and I don't really care, I'm not their conscience.

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:57:52 AM   
SugarMyChurro


Posts: 1912
Joined: 4/26/2007
Status: offline 		"When a man lies, he murders some part of the world." - Merlin, Boorman's Excalibur (1981)

I have cheated also. But I don't and I won't cheat now. Why not? Because I'm not an idiot at my age. With every lie that is told you chip away at the foundations of your relationships until there is nothing left but the rubble of deceit. That's how it works.

You owe the people close to you the truth about yourself, whatever forms it takes. If you lie to them you allow them to believe something that is false.

How can they love the real you if they don't even know the real you?

(in reply to slaveboyforyou)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 7:09:31 AM   
Irishknight


Posts: 2016
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		I have always been very nervous when it comes to getting involved with someone already in a relationship. If the relationship seems to be falling apart and the woman is hot, I usually fall ..... Heck, if shes hot enough, I usually forget everything above my belt anyway.  
I have been approached by the estranged husband of a woman I was entertaining and asked if I was sleeping with her.  I had to look him in the eye and tell him, "There has been no sleeping."

(in reply to SugarMyChurro)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 7:49:54 AM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		you would think that a couple in an openly polyamorous agreement cannot have cheating.....they can.  i've been "the other woman"...idiots who listen to you say "not if you're married", assure you that they arent, GIVE YOU THE HOME TELEPHONE NUMBER, and let the little wife answer the phone?  deserve what they get. honestly.  i think he sweated it out worse when we went out to shoot pool and ended up on the table next to my husband and his date.  (she didnt know i was wolf's wife, she DID know he was married.  i was amused.)

i've been cheated on by my first husband (who denies it still) and wolf cheated me out of affection, showering it all on the g/f of the moment. 

TheEngineer is a long time partner.  wolf knows of him (they've not met at wolf's preference.) and TheEngineer said in january that he'd have me permenently in a heartbeat if he could, but wouldnt break up a decent marriage.  it wasnt, and now he will.

cheating...one of those "slippery slope" things to be sure.

kitten

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 7:58:55 AM   
Asherdelampyr


Posts: 9556
Joined: 11/14/2006
From: The Desert
Status: offline 		"that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity." - Dante Hicks, Clerks
I cheated on a girl I was with several times in high school, though I havent cheated on anyone since



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Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 9:15:52 AM   
servantheart


Posts: 960
Joined: 10/26/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		~fast reply~
 
First off, let me say thank you so much to slaveluci for having the guts to start this thread and to everyone brave enough to share such a personal part of themselves.  It is appreciated more than you all know. 
 
quote:

Original:DesFIP I tried to fix the relationship but one person can't. Since he didn't want any part of me I decided I was free to do what I wanted as long as I understood the meaning of the word discretion. Which I did. Having this support gave me the ability to look at how bad my life was, and to realize that I deserved more...

quote:

Original:slvemike4u  Though I suppose it was just a symtom of a dead marriage anyway

quote:

Original: ownedgirlie  As my very Christian sister told me, "Hey, he cheated you when he denied you affection and stopped being the husband he vowed to be."  What a refreshing response. It's interesting that this is the vow everyone gets so wacked out about, when there are other vows that marrieds break which can be just as damaging and painful, if not worse.


Sometimes things don't work out the way we thought they would those many years ago when we promised to "forsake all others" for the rest of our natural lives.   Spouses change, become neglectful and distant, both physically and emotionally.  The relationship dies because it takes two to make it work and one partner refuses to admit that there are problems, much less do the work to fix it, because they are dishonest with themselves and apparently happy to stay deluded.  Before long, we find ourselves doing things we never in our wildest dreams thought we'd do.  Things we swore we wouldn't do even under the worst of circumstances.  We thought we were above such things and looked down our noses at those who chose a different path.  Life has a way of knocking us off our high horses, though, and forcing us to take a long, hard look at ourselves.  It becomes crystal clear exactly why people step out, despite their best intentions at the beginning of their marriage. 

 
quote:

Original: proudsub  I cheated 5 years ago after 34 years of loyalty.... I'm not proud of it and don't believe "once a cheater always a cheater"
 
quote:

Original: ownedgirlie  As for the "Once a cheater, always a cheater" crap - ignorance at its best.  I wouldn't dream of lying to my Master or cheating on him.  When you're satisfied in your relationship, those thoughts don't cross your mind.  Cheating is generally a symptom of a much bigger problem, and usually both parties own that problem.

quote:

Original: WyldHrt  When one partner cuts the other off physically and emotionally, and refuses to even try to fix what is wrong, it's devastating. IMO, one who does this has forfeited their right to expect fidelity, as the marriage is dead. All that is left is for the other to get to the place where they have the strength to walk away- which is not as easy as some make it sound, esp if the marriage in question is one of many years.
 
 
Many people don't understand why one can't pack up and leave if they're unhappy.  It's just not that simple.  Leaving is something that takes time.  There are multiple factors to take under consideration.  It often takes years of planning, particularly if one doesn't want to be financially dependent on another person once they do leave or uproot their UMs from the only life they've ever known. 
 
Finally, while it's true that dishonest people cheat, not everyone who cheats is a pathological liar, nor are they necessarily the kind of person you can never trust again in a relationship.  The guilt that one often experiences when stepping out is crushing, and takes its toll on a person.   

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(in reply to Irishknight)
Profile   Post #: 60
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