RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "cheater?"

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 9:50:48 AM

MusicalBoredom

Posts: 620
Joined: 5/8/2007
From: Louisiana/New York
Status: offline

First of all my opinions on this are about my own behavior and not what I think others should or should not do. I really don't know what other people's situations are or how they deal or should deal with them. I have cheated before but not since I quit being a raging drunk 18 years ago. I have been cheated on and I have been with someone who was cheating. For me the issues that caused problems was never the sex but the dishonesty. Cheating for me has added some additional amount of hurt but I still think it was the dishonesty that did the most damage.

If I have some big secret (whether its cheating or something else) from someone I'm in a relationship with it erodes the closeness we have. I tend to like extremely close relationships and secrets destroy that for me. I choose to try to keep my side of street clean and take care of any messes I make when I make them. It's the only way I've found I can have any meaningful relationship. If I'm not getting what I want in a relationship I try to ask for what I want or need. If I can't get it and it's important to me then I move on.

I've also tried open relationships when I'm in a romantic relationship with one but can still have room to play. That has never worked out for me at all. It wasn't a moral issue but an emotional one. The only "open" relationships that have ever been ok for me have been with casual fuck-buddies where romance wasn't involved.

(in reply to wanderingstray)

Post #: 61

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 10:03:42 AM

MissMorrigan

Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

Slaveluci, excuse me if I have repeated anything said in others' posts, I have not had time to read them but wanted to add my own thoughts regarding this.

People make judgements all the time which result in those knee-jerk reactions, they are viewing something from a cold, stark perspective, oft forgetting that there are people involved and whatever else comes from those relationships. I used to have those reactions myself until someone caused me to stop and think.

I think, in the online world, there's this tendency to take the moral high ground and critique others lives, and lets face it, that's easy for us to do b/c these forums see an outpouring from us all regarding various aspects of our lives and what we see is just one perspective, trimmed into black and white scenarios.

The lady I mentioned above was married, her husband dying of a terminal illness but no longer lucid and with no comprehension of who she was. During the remainder months of his illness, she became close to a male friend of hers, she was lonely and needed company. Her life for a long time had focused solely around her husband's illness, and suddenly there was a man who provided the comfort she had been missing for such a long time. She began feeling like a woman again instead of the automaton she was used to being. For the first time in years she felt ALIVE, yet the guilt of enjoying those feelings ate away at her... How could she enjoy feeling this way when her husband was dying? Despite the circumstances, there are always consequences.

Until I knew of her life, I criticised people that 'cheated', but then, I tut tutted in scorn. I was then given an insight into another person's life which taught me a little humility and I learned that not all intentions have an odious undertone.

_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 62

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 10:21:29 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I do,because if he'd just asked I'd been hurt and a little jelouse but I would of dealt with those feelings and probably let him have his fling on the side. After all I ask for flings on the side a lot. or I did untill he admited how much it hurts his heart. And he knows that. So there was no need to sneak out and be deceptive.

I've done stuff my partner considered cheating and I'm not proud of it, and my partner forgave me. However i wouldn't do it again. I allowed the desire for my sexual pleasure at the moment to over rule my common sense and things that my daddy would consider no no's. I let the man finger me to orgasm, and logically I know it's not ok, cause it's one rule we had f or play with others, no penitration but dureing the moment I went with the action. I told Daddy and I cried and admited I was wrong and we talked about it an it was over.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

When the subject comes up, a "cheater" is roundly scorned and condemned and no one seems willing to admit they've ever done it.

Well I don't think it's the unforgivable sin I'm not condemning anyone for their opinions. What I am asking is for any of you who are willing to admit you've committed infidelity to explain your experience a bit. Why did you "cheat?" Was it really totally negative? If you prick a "cheater," does he/she not bleed? Anyone know what I'm feeling here?

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 63

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 12:48:21 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

I think its sort of interesting, that the phrase 'I'm not proud of it' comes up in nearly every post where someone admits that they cheated.
If I hadn't cheated on my husband I wouldn't have gotten to the place I needed to get to in order to divorce him. I was married for 15 years before I cheated and it was born of unhappiness and extreme sexual frustration. I was emotionally battered, had started to become ill with all the medical crap I know have and looking back I can admit my self esteem was dangerously low.

So I met a man who gave me what I needed to affirm that I could really live a life. Not just exist, but live.
I am proud of a lot of things that he taught me, most proud of all for having the strength to finally stand up and say that I needed to change from a life that was going to destroy me to one that would fulfill me.

My ex husband and I are now best of friends. We can be friends because he no longer holds any power over me. I yanked it back out of his hands. Yay.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 64

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 1:29:26 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

What! =L=

Well HELL yaaaaaaaa...

It cost me 1200 bones a month for many yrs...

Money well spent!

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 65

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:19:52 PM

backseatbebe

Posts: 195
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

AGAIN...
IF it is HIDDEN and there is NO COMMUNICATION about the subject the yes i would says its ALWAYS NEGATIVE
leaving your partner in the dark has NOTHING POSTITIVE about it

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: backseatbebe
if it is hidden and there is no commuincation about the subject then yes i would say it is always negative
leaving your partner in the dark has nothing postitive about it

Thank you for your response, backseatbebe. You don't agree that the things I mentioned there in post #13 could be in any way positive? Not at all?

luci

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 66

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:25:47 PM

backseatbebe

Posts: 195
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

but do you really think cheating was necessary
couldn't you have just ended the realtionship and met a man that showed you how you could live life?
cause as i see it, it was you ending the abusive relationship that brought you where you are in life, not cheating

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

I think its sort of interesting, that the phrase 'I'm not proud of it' comes up in nearly every post where someone admits that they cheated.
If I hadn't cheated on my husband I wouldn't have gotten to the place I needed to get to in order to divorce him. I was married for 15 years before I cheated and it was born of unhappiness and extreme sexual frustration. I was emotionally battered, had started to become ill with all the medical crap I know have and looking back I can admit my self esteem was dangerously low.

So I met a man who gave me what I needed to affirm that I could really live a life. Not just exist, but live.
I am proud of a lot of things that he taught me, most proud of all for having the strength to finally stand up and say that I needed to change from a life that was going to destroy me to one that would fulfill me.

My ex husband and I are now best of friends. We can be friends because he no longer holds any power over me. I yanked it back out of his hands. Yay.

< Message edited by backseatbebe -- 6/12/2008 3:26:50 PM >

(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 67

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:32:38 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

but do you really think cheating was necessary
couldn't you have just ended the realtionship and met a man that showed you how you could live life?
cause as i see it, it was you ending the abusive relationship that brought you where in life, not the cheating

And would she have found the strength to end the relationship were it not for the other man?

Real life tends to be about making the best bad decision possible. If she obtained the consequences she desired for her life, who here is competent to pass judgement on that?

_____________________________

(in reply to backseatbebe)

Post #: 68

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:33:40 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

I could not have ended it without having stepped outside of it first.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to backseatbebe)

Post #: 69

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:34:43 PM

Lumus

Posts: 5968
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline

Like a lot of other things I did once and would never do again, I cheated. Back in '91, if memory serves; under circumstances that some might understand and others might not.

*shrugs*

Never needed validation or a lecture on it. It happened, I learned from it, it didn't happen again. I'm boring that way.

_____________________________

<Talk to educate; listen to learn.>

~ the other half of "L&L" ~

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(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 70

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:42:02 PM

backseatbebe

Posts: 195
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

of course you could have
and saying otherwise is pure bullshit

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

I could not have ended it without having stepped outside of it first.

(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 71

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:42:49 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

of course you could have
and saying otherwise is pure bullshit

You do not know this.

_____________________________

(in reply to backseatbebe)

Post #: 72

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:43:41 PM

backseatbebe

Posts: 195
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

if hurting someone is the way a person chooses to get ahead in life, then yes i will judge them based on those actions

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

but do you really think cheating was necessary
couldn't you have just ended the realtionship and met a man that showed you how you could live life?
cause as i see it, it was you ending the abusive relationship that brought you where in life, not the cheating

And would she have found the strength to end the relationship were it not for the other man?

Real life tends to be about making the best bad decision possible. If she obtained the consequences she desired for her life, who here is competent to pass judgement on that?

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 73

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:45:13 PM

backseatbebe

Posts: 195
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

lol of course i do
how can anyone say cheating was the ONLY way out
there are many ways to get out of abusive realtionships
she just chose to ignore them

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

of course you could have
and saying otherwise is pure bullshit

You do not know this.

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 74

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:45:46 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

Even though you lack the competency or the standing to render such a judgement?

quote:

ORIGINAL: backseatbebe

if hurting someone is the way a person chooses to get ahead in life, then yes i will judge them based on those actions

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

but do you really think cheating was necessary
couldn't you have just ended the realtionship and met a man that showed you how you could live life?
cause as i see it, it was you ending the abusive relationship that brought you where in life, not the cheating

And would she have found the strength to end the relationship were it not for the other man?

Real life tends to be about making the best bad decision possible. If she obtained the consequences she desired for her life, who here is competent to pass judgement on that?

_____________________________

(in reply to backseatbebe)

Post #: 75

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:46:49 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

lol of course i do
how can anyone say cheating was the ONLY way out
there are many ways to get out of abusive realtionships
she just chose to ignore them

You do not know this, either.

Your judgement lacks foundation. It is flawed on that basis.

_____________________________

(in reply to backseatbebe)

Post #: 76

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:48:26 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: backseatbebe

if hurting someone is the way a person chooses to get ahead in life, then yes i will judge them based on those actions

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

but do you really think cheating was necessary
couldn't you have just ended the realtionship and met a man that showed you how you could live life?
cause as i see it, it was you ending the abusive relationship that brought you where in life, not the cheating

And would she have found the strength to end the relationship were it not for the other man?

Real life tends to be about making the best bad decision possible. If she obtained the consequences she desired for her life, who here is competent to pass judgement on that?

I really could not care less if you think you can judge me.
You do not know me. There was no hurt towards my ex whatsoever, we hadn't slept in the same bed nor physically touched each other in years.
If you want to pretend you can extrapolate the few words I put on a message board and pretend you know me, that is on you.

CL yes you are right, I was unable to see the destruction and then the potential of my life without his intervention.
In the end all of us are much much happier individuals. Thanks btw.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to backseatbebe)

Post #: 77

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:49:53 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wanderingstray
I always looked at it from the ethical viewpoint and not as a sexual question. In ethical terms cheating is unambiguous. It destroys trust, which make impossible the type of relationship I prefer, that is, one based on trust and good will.

You have an assumption here that the relationship still has trust and good will to lose. By the time I went looking to get my needs met, there was nothing left to lose.

And why didn't I throw him out earlier? Because my daughter was in a fragile state and her psychiatrist did not believe she could handle it at that time.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to wanderingstray)

Post #: 78

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:54:00 PM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

No, I honestly have never cheated. I've been cheated on, and I could never make someone else suffer that pain.

Ditto to MissMagnolia. And the same for my Sir.

Sir said once again to me last night, when some anxiety ran rampant in my mind and I began to feed off false assumptions (which tends to happen when one has been betrayed one to many times) ~~~~
DO NOT TRY TO MAKE ME PAY FOR HIS SINS.
Talk about being smacked up aginst the proverbial tree.

So 2 of us...together, who have been betrayed but never each other... if you are counting...

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 79

RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/12/2008 3:56:29 PM

backseatbebe

Posts: 195
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

ok here is my foundation
there many ways to end a relationship
cheating is one of them
she credits cheating as her ONLY way out
the only flaw in any fondation is hers not recongizing that there are more ways to end a relationship
where i on the other hand know of other ways to end a relationship other than cheating, so when she states it was my only way out i know she is lying and making excuses for herself....kind of funny how cheating and lying go hand in hand

< Message edited by backseatbebe -- 6/12/2008 3:58:02 PM >

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 80

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