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protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 5:55:56 PM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

This is my first post to the forum. I'm new here, and really, I'm new to the M/s lifestyle, as in an active participant. I've been reading online about it in forums like this for a couple of years now. I don't really know what forum to post this question in, so I figured I would try the general forum. I hope that is okay.

I'm really upset right now. I just found out my Master updated his profile today to say he is "once again" searching for a sub. I really don't want to get into a debate over whether Masters can have more than one sub or do things without the sub being ok with it. The simple fact is this... he has told me a few times in the year and a half we have been seeing each other - promised me even - that he is not looking for anyone and would tell me beforehand if he changed his mind. This is something that has been of concern to me recently as I just have had a gut feeling. It started when I asked why he chose not to change his profile to indicate he has a sub and is not seeking any longer. His response then was that he just hadn't gotten around to it, and I didn't press the issue because I didn't want to start an argument. Maybe that wasn't the best thing for me to do.

I feel terrible and like a fool. My ex-husband cheated on me a number of times. I should know the signs! Anyway, I'm just not sure how to approach a conversation with him about this. I know I am supposed to come to him respectfully, but questioning his judgement is hardly respectful. Just what is the protocol in a situation like this? If I were thinking of ending things I wouldn't be worried about this, but I know from experience that things like this can be worked through. I didn't agree to be his slave to have it end over the first upset without at least talking it through with him.

I know I'm rambling. I don't really know what I am trying to say other than I want some good advice on how to bring up this conversation. He is going to be upset that I was checking up on him, and I can understand that, but yet when you have a public profile that anyone can see... well, I feel you shouldn't have anything on there you would be ashamed to have seen. Communication is not my strongest suit, and I really don't want this to turn into a ugly thing. Any advice would be welcomed. Thank you.

Post #: 1

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:08:44 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

A couple of things come to mind here. First, did you accept him with the foreknowledge that he was poly, and would, someday, want more slaves? -- if so, then I'd guess it's "someday", regardless of how much he tries to shelter you from the reality.

Second, I have to say that honesty is a deal-breaker for me... or, perhaps better said, dis-honesty is a deal-breaker. I don't care how much I love someone, if they've broken trust, that's it. I may forgive them, but I won't give them a chance to break trust with me again. I'll send them on their way.

As a dominant member of a relationship, I would hope that my servants can come to me and get a straight answer about what's going on. If you're concerned, I would go to him, tell him your concerns, and if he brushes you off or refuses to answer your questions, or if he denies the change you already know he's made, then you have your answer.

For me, I'm sure it could be worked through, but I can guarantee that I wouldn't want to try to work through things with a dishonest person. Submissive or dominant, nobody should have to put up with dishonesty.

Bluntly,
Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 2

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:13:05 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Is your relationship online, or in real life?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 3

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:13:20 PM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

A couple of things come to mind here. First, did you accept him with the foreknowledge that he was poly, and would, someday, want more slaves? -- if so, then I'd guess it's "someday", regardless of how much he tries to shelter you from the reality.

Second, I have to say that honesty is a deal-breaker for me... or, perhaps better said, dis-honesty is a deal-breaker. I don't care how much I love someone, if they've broken trust, that's it. I may forgive them, but I won't give them a chance to break trust with me again. I'll send them on their way.

As a dominant member of a relationship, I would hope that my servants can come to me and get a straight answer about what's going on. If you're concerned, I would go to him, tell him your concerns, and if he brushes you off or refuses to answer your questions, or if he denies the change you already know he's made, then you have your answer.

For me, I'm sure it could be worked through, but I can guarantee that I wouldn't want to try to work through things with a dishonest person. Submissive or dominant, nobody should have to put up with dishonesty.

Bluntly,
Firestorm

Firestorm, Thank you for your reply. The thing is he swore to me he wasn't poly and was happier in a mono relationship.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 4

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:13:26 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

I know you don't want to turn this into an ugly thing, but it might just happen anyway. Not speaking about it will eat away at your soul, so you have to be prepared for a possible meltdown. That said, I do understand that a lot of people do not communicate well, especially when it is about something very sensitive, as this is. Actually, looking at your clarity in this post, I think you communicate wonderfully well. But it's not the same face to face, is it?

Sadly, confronting him in some way is inevitable. You could try showing him what you wrote here, you could give him a hypothetical and ask his advice, or you can come straight out with it.

He has stated that he would let you kinow if he had decided to look for another sub. He hasn't done that, so he is in the wrong about this. A dominants judgement is sometimes awry, we are human too, we make mistakes and do stupid things, just like everyone else. To ask him about something this improtant is not bratty or disrespectful, it is your right as a human being. I don't mean yell at him and demand to know what's going on. I mean ask him when he has time to talk and ask quietly and without accusation what is happening. Let him know that you feel insecure and that you need some assurance that you are safe and tell him why you feel that way.

If you can't do this face to face, tell him that and hand him a letter that tells him how you are feeling. Ask him to read it, either then and there, or later, when he is alone.

I do feel for you *hugs*

< Message edited by MissMagnolia -- 7/6/2008 6:15:04 PM >

_____________________________

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Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 5

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:14:21 PM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Is your relationship online, or in real life?

real life

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 6

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:15:03 PM

Dari

Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline

Eh. My best friend, my sub, former subs, other friends perv my profile all the time. Who cares? If they saw something amiss in it, they'd certainly say something.

I really can't comment on how to proceed, other than that you shouldn't be guilty about looking at his profile. I wouldn't keep a guy who cheated on me, no matter how much we talk it out. heh.

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 7

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:17:22 PM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

Eeep.. I'd be upset. Go talk to him about it, but don't take any lame excuses for an answer. If he just recently updated it to say that- there's really no excuse, especially if he promised you that he isn't poly- and wouldn't look for anyone.

_____________________________

HBIC

(in reply to Dari)

Post #: 8

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:19:05 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart

Firestorm, Thank you for your reply. The thing is he swore to me he wasn't poly and was happier in a mono relationship.

I'm afraid, my dear, that the most likely scenario is that you have been duped. Perhaps he read too much John Norman, and figured that once he got you into a collar, he could do what he pleased and you'd have no say. Did he have in his profile when you first talked that he was looking for multiple slaves?

Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 9

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:20:07 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

It seems it is already an ugly thing. You're upset aren't you? He promised something and didn't keep his promise as far as you are thinking. What is wrong in seeing the profile of someone you have been with for a year and a half? If you were being sneaky because of a lack somewhere, that might be a problem, but I view anyone I want to and have a right to know what page they are on. I simply perfere to do it when we speak, but will check on someone I am unsure of.

You already asked him and he said he hadn't gotten around to it. I do have to say... he works slow because in a year and a half... well... you get the picture. Is he testing you? Is he unfaithful? Is he wrong somehow? You know the answer to that one, we can only go on what you say. But... without communication you won't work this out. Take hold of your emotions and approch. There is nothing wrong with wanting to discuss anything with someone you have been involved with. I would think there is a lot wrong, when you can't discuss something with them.

Are you questioning his judgment when you ask if he meant to keep his word of telling you before he looked for another? What is protocol? Honey, your relationship protocol is the only thing you need to worry about. If you have a don't tell policy... then sounds like the protocol is working... if you have a commitment to tell before you do... then the protocol has already been compromized and it is every man for himself the way I look at it. A person is only as good as their word. You kept yours? Has he kept his? What are you willing to accept? That is your protocol.

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 10

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:20:45 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Communication is not my strongest suit

It's obviously not your master's either.
You get decide how you are going to react to his behavior.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 11

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:21:17 PM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

I know you don't want to turn this into an ugly thing, but it might just happen anyway. Not speaking about it will eat away at your soul, so you have to be prepared for a possible meltdown. That said, I do understand that a lot of people do not communicate well, especially when it is about something very sensitive, as this is. Actually, looking at your clarity in this post, I think you communicate wonderfully well. But it's not the same face to face, is it?

Sadly, confronting him in some way is inevitable. You could try showing him what you wrote here, you could give him a hypothetical and ask his advice, or you can come straight out with it.

He has stated that he would let you kinow if he had decided to look for another sub. He hasn't done that, so he is in the wrong about this. A dominants judgement is sometimes awry, we are human too, we make mistakes and do stupid things, just like everyone else. To ask him about something this improtant is not bratty or disrespectful, it is your right as a human being. I don't mean yell at him and demand to know what's going on. I mean ask him when he has time to talk and ask quietly and without accusation what is happening. Let him know that you feel insecure and that you need some assurance that you are safe and tell him why you feel that way.

If you can't do this face to face, tell him that and hand him a letter that tells him how you are feeling. Ask him to read it, either then and there, or later, when he is alone.

I do feel for you *hugs*

MissMagnolia, Thank you for the compliment about my communication. You are so right! It is so much harder face to face!

Thank you also for the suggestions on how to approach him with this. I really like the letter idea, but he requires that I talk to him and not write or read to him. It puts me at a serious disadvantage, however, because when it comes to getting the words out in a way that makes sense and says what I want to say, it just doesn't happen.

I am just so afraid that he will turn this around to focus on how I was checking up on him while the real issue goes un-dealt with.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 12

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:23:26 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart
I am just so afraid that he will turn this around to focus on how I was checking up on him while the real issue goes un-dealt with.

It sounds as though you have some experience with that.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 13

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:24:53 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

If he had nothing to hide, why would he care. If he twists it to make it your fault, you have your answer... then you get to decide what you want to do with it.

Firestorm

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart

MissMagnolia, Thank you for the compliment about my communication. You are so right! It is so much harder face to face!

Thank you also for the suggestions on how to approach him with this. I really like the letter idea, but he requires that I talk to him and not write or read to him. It puts me at a serious disadvantage, however, because when it comes to getting the words out in a way that makes sense and says what I want to say, it just doesn't happen.

I am just so afraid that he will turn this around to focus on how I was checking up on him while the real issue goes un-dealt with.

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 14

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:33:17 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart
I am just so afraid that he will turn this around to focus on how I was checking up on him while the real issue goes un-dealt with.

It sounds as though you have some experience with that.

I have some experience with someone who did this to me - by the time the conversation was over, I'd be the one apologizing, yet not really sure what for... I'm not in that relationship anymore.

You will have to be strong and keep the conversation focused squarely where it belongs - focused on his conduct and his intentions. If he tries to outtalk you or change the subject, keep bringing it back. If he starts berating you for checking up on him, ask him why he was searching for another without talking with you.

I am with you on being best at written communication - oftentimes I will forget my point or lose my train of thought. How about writing down some notes or a quick list of the things that you need to talk about? Sounds a bit silly, but it will give you something to focus on if you feel emotional.

My condolences ... this is a difficult situation for you.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 15

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:40:02 PM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart
I am just so afraid that he will turn this around to focus on how I was checking up on him while the real issue goes un-dealt with.

It sounds as though you have some experience with that.

It is one of the things he says he absolutely hated about his last sub, that she would constantly check up on him.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 16

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:40:28 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

You have a right to know if someone is lying to you whether you are a slave or anything else. Communication is one of the cornerstones of a D/s or M/s relationship. You need to have a talk with him and find out the truth and make up your own mind as to what is going on.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 17

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:42:36 PM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220

I am with you on being best at written communication - oftentimes I will forget my point or lose my train of thought. How about writing down some notes or a quick list of the things that you need to talk about? Sounds a bit silly, but it will give you something to focus on if you feel emotional.

My condolences ... this is a difficult situation for you.

Thank you. Notes would be great, but I am not allowed to bring them to a conversation. He says he wants me to learn how to talk to him without having to write everything down.

(in reply to NeedingMore220)

Post #: 18

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:42:58 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

In all likelihood he already has someone he wants in addition to you.

However, he could just be a clueless dude who forgot about how sensitive this would be to you and decided to go look fo rmore pussy without thinking. Do you have an expectation in your relationship that he will hold to the promises he makes? If so, you should ask why he chose to disregard that.

If not, then simply communicate your insecurity and concerns and see how things go.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 19

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:46:06 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said. So here's a {{{hug}}} for what it's worth. Best of luck to you.

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Dark Muse
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"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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