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Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 8:32:09 AM   
Twicehappy2x


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quote:

I just got back from a week long visit with a poly-house hold which went very well.  When I got back here to my local community, people were concerned that there was no play during my visit, and took that as a sign that I should re-think my assessment or go for a second visit which included play.


This statement is from another thread; it got me to thinking on the question posed.
 
If you were looking for a committed M/s relationship would you insist on play first?
 
Why?
 
Or would you wait until you were further into the M/s dynamic/relationship before engaging in play/scenes?
 
Why?

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 8:36:53 AM   
GreedyTop


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Status: offline 		Great question, Twice! (*smooches gropes and hugs* btw)  I started to type out a long response, the initial and usual answer to questions of this type. Then thought about what I'd typed. Realized that some of it didn't quite FIT me as I am now.  SO...I'm going to ponder for a while.. THEN respond directly ..LOL


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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 8:38:28 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
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From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		Even if I'm looking for something more casual -- I always need some kind of relationship first, play is secondary to that.

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 8:42:56 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
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Status: offline 		Play is fine, to me BDSM is like a rich desert after a wonderful meal, it's wonderful but I can't live on it. I have to be comfy in the relationship, I have to know them, trust them and be able to get into their head first. Most important to me is that I'm able to get along with them the other 23 hours of the day.
 
Jewel

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 8:44:01 AM   
Twicehappy2x


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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

Great question, Twice! (*smooches gropes and hugs* btw)  SO...I'm going to ponder for a while.. THEN respond directly ..LOL


Ohhh.......groping, i love groping...grins, waiting to see your answer.

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 8:44:44 AM   
Leatherist


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Status: offline 		Play first.

I'd want to see if she could deal with things I do first.. Does very little good to say "I'll make a promise"-only to have someone run away screaming fifteen minutes later.

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 8:50:06 AM   
Knight0Errant


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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

Great question, Twice! (*smooches gropes and hugs* btw)  I started to type out a long response, the initial and usual answer to questions of this type. Then thought about what I'd typed. Realized that some of it didn't quite FIT me as I am now.  SO...I'm going to ponder for a while.. THEN respond directly ..LOL



I think GreedyTop, even though her comment was a "I'll get back to you on that", made a vital and very wise point, nonetheless.

For some the relationship comes first, for others knowing that the play is fulfilling is what they feel they need to be assured of first.

Both can develop over time. Both are important. So, whichever feels right to you and the others involved is probably best for you. Only you can know and decide how to proceed. I don't think there can be a hard and fast rule on this.

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 8:52:50 AM   
hopelessfool


Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		To me, how can I play with someone Im just meeting, I dont know them in a real life setting, I do not know if I can trust them, Im putting myself into potentail harm to please someone I dont even know is worth the effort. First meets, are always public and platonic, a kiss or two If I really like them, second meet ususally is me showing I can follow simple orders and adjust to anticipating what my partner might want. Thirds when non sexual play comes in... and we go from there.

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 8:54:59 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
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Status: offline 		I can see where "It depends on the person and circumstance" could be an applicable answer here, but in my case, having been a physical BDSM novice when I met my Master, I needed to come to trust him through building a relationship first.  Now, the beginnings of our relationship were developed through online and telephone communications, and when we met in person for the first time it was an all-nighter of "play."

Speaking for him here, he would rather develop the beginnings of a relationship first, before play. Taking a flogger to a body isn't what turns him on, it's the submission that turns him on.  Those things that are "too advanced" for the submissive (as many things were with me at first) can be developed in time, as her submission to him grows, and as her desire to please him grows.  In my case, whatever I couldn't handle when we first met, he has taught me to handle over time.

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 8:56:59 AM   
Dnomyar


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Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		 I have done both. It depends on the person you are going to be with. Some like to develope a personal relationship first. I have had others that were just there for the play.  

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 8:58:37 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Well hun, I'm thinking you already know my answer. In my current relationship there were several months of relationship before there was ANY play. Sure, I've done it the other way around too but I realized that all of my long term and lasting relationships were relationships before play entered into the picture.

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 9:00:03 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		Ok, I'm going to try this again.  I may modify it later since I'm not sure I've got it sussed in my head, or that I'll make sense as I type.

Part of me wants to play first.  Even if I have a strong 'click' with someone on an emotional level I want to know if that 'click' will follow into the physical arena.
I can and have played without that strong emotional connection. It's fun, but I think I've evolved to the point where it just doesnt DO IT for me as much as it used to.
Now, I think I'm at a place where I desire the relationship to go with the play.. but, again.. I want to know if the play compatibility is there along with the emotional stuff.

hmm..Ok, I think thats about right. And I hope that made sense...LOL


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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 9:01:24 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
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Status: offline 		No matter whether its a casual or committed relationship, the initial meeting won't have play -- we'll talk about play, and discuss boundaries to play, but we won't play... we may play later the same day, but only after a 'cooling off' period for both parties.

I've played -very- casually with someone at an event where we didn't talk ahead of time. It worked out fine -- but if we're talking about a long-term play-partner or servant... I'd want to make sure that we connected before we hit the floor together.

Calla Firestorm


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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 9:01:40 AM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline 		Just as I wouldn't move in with a woman unless I had slept with her (repeatedly and in various random places and positions), I wouldn't consider developing a deeper poly relationship with someone whom I hadn't played with in the manner I planed on playing with them

That said, last Sunday I acquired a slave for whom I had purchased a one-way ticket to come live with me a mere 8 hours after I started chatting with her.  That seems to be going pretty well, so what the hell do I know, anyway...

Taggard  

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 9:02:43 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		Taggard.. you slut ;)

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 9:03:36 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		As frivolous as it sounds, My dynamic with clip did start as play first.  He started as a bottom with Me.  It was only over time that he became My submissive.  It's just the way things evolved naturally.  If I had been looking for a sub, rather than a bottom, I might have taken a different approach, but I doubt it.  Most of the time, I incorporate getting to know the play part of the person during the same period that I'm getting to know the rest of the person.  

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 9:04:27 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		it's all about establishing trust and knowing the person for me. 

so it would be relationship first and play last.

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 9:06:04 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I've never played with anyone unless she was already a friend.  Friendship seems like a type of relationship to me.  It sounds as though you're talking about something "deeper," though, which kinda confuses me.  How can you know you have a relationship that includes the physical unless you get physical and see what happens?

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 9:06:16 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Play first.

I'd want to see if she could deal with things I do first.. Does very little good to say "I'll make a promise"-only to have someone run away screaming fifteen minutes later.


See, even with a long-term person, I don't ask for a promise right away... We have a 'provisional' period of up to 90 days, where everyone sees what's going on, gets to know everyone, and we decide whether the person is a good fit for our household. During this 90 days, the other person can say that they're not interested in continuing at the same level (as in "I like playing with you, but don't think I want to be a servant" OR "I like playing, but I want to be more of a servant than a play-partner"), or that they're not interested in continuing at all -- and the discussion will shift gears accordingly.

Whether we were to play with them first or not, there is no 'promise' in place until the whole package has been laid out on the table. That just makes sense.

Firestorm


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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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RE: Play first? Or relationship first? - 7/31/2008 9:08:00 AM   
BlackKnight


Posts: 767
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		oh this isn't chicken or egg first, damn I had the answer to that,
play first, know kinda what you getting into, but things change afterwards anyway, no guarrentees,
I tell straight up front the way I am, the way it is, and the agree, think they can, believe they can, then can't and fuck everything up!
at least if we play first they get a full experience, but they expect me to change, for them to change me.
Kneel! I am as I have been and will be. here I am! obey or run like hell!

< Message edited by BlackKnight -- 7/31/2008 9:09:01 AM >

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