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mistoferin -> RE: -=Damocles mind fuck=- (8/11/2008 6:21:19 AM)
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I wonder if your friend's stunts such as the one you described might not be the very reason why the buddies in your BDSM gang can always look forward to him getting a new girl. His "test of submission" doesn't sound like it has caught him an actual partner for the long term.
As I said before, as far as mind fucks go I would see this as pretty tame. The ONLY part of this whole scenario that seems edgy to me is that the players aren't really known to each other....and that fact speaks to me in a way that says something about the arrogance of your friend and the mental state of a submissive who would put herself in a dangerous position, risking life and limb....not because she trusts the person she is with, not because she is deeply devoted to him....but because she wants to prove what a shark she is.
You asked for mind fucks and I will give you one. It's not a stunt or a slight of hand trick though, so maybe you will find it boring. I have refrained from posting anything about it because I took some risks that I DON'T want anyone who is new to read and think that it's something that they have to do in order to be considered a "real" submissive. It isn't something that I would recommend for anyone who doesn't absolutely know themself and trust in their own judgment. This isn't my first rodeo and I absolutely understood the risks I was taking. My goal in taking them was also not about PROVING anything to anyone. It was however, my very first scene with the man who now calls me his.
I met a man right here on CollarMe who I started to swap a few e-mails with. Although we were both unpartnered at the time our goal wasn't about becoming relationship partners...or even play partners for that matter. He was simply a very interesting person and thought the same of me and we decided to get to know each other better. He'd seen and done so many things, been all over the world and had many unique experiences. He was fascinating to have a conversation with.
Coincidentally during the time we were exploring our budding friendship I had some very serious life altering changes occur. The loss of a very dear friend, several loved ones who were dealing with REALLY major medical issues who were depending on me and a very hard financial hit to name just a few of the issues I was trying to manage all at once. I was working myself into the ground and also trying to be everything to everyone who needed me. I am normally an extremely strong person and have never really done anything more than momentarily stumble in life, always having the ability to pick myself back up, dust myself off and move on. But I found myself in an odd position. For the very first time in my life it felt as though the weight of the burden was going to crush me. I felt like I was going to completely lose it and would end up being good to no one...a risk that I could not take with so many who desperately needed me to be their rock. It hit me that what I needed to do was to do exactly that....fall apart completely. Wipe the slate clean and start fresh.
So I confided how I felt in my friend and I asked for his help. I asked him to provide an environment that would trigger such a collapse...away from all of those who were dependent...and an environment that provided me some time to pull it all together again. I wanted a scene that would annhilate me both mentally and physically. A scene like I'd never experienced. I wanted to be pushed to breaking and beyond.
Over time I had gotten to know my friend quite well. I knew that he had been and could go to places that I could only go to in my darkest of nightmares...and beyond what I could even imagine. He is a military man, trained in anti terrorist tactics. He is also a serious sadist with a long history of experience. To add to that he has a medical degree and understands the workings of the body very well. While those things assured me that I was making a good choice in my selection, they also struck a chord of terror in me.
We began to meet and talk in great detail. There was not an area of my mind that he didn't want to explore, not an area of my life that he didn't want to know about. For the next several months there were hundreds of hours of conversation, thousands of questions I had to answer. Many subjects came up...many possibilities of what might be included in this scene. Things that had never even dawned upon my wildest imagination. Those several months turned into a mindfuck in itself, my mind cueing into some of those horrifying possibilities and running with it. So many moments of serious doubt. Doubt that I could indeed go through with this. Doubt that if I did go through with it that I could ever recover from it. But we continued to move forward and I allowed him the total control to guide me to where he felt I needed to go to accomplish my goal. I gave into his expertise and put myself figuratively in his hands.
The day of the scene I was nearly crazed with fear. I don't even know now looking back on it how I kept my feet moving forward to get there. I had not been able to sleep or eat properly in the days leading up to it. I knew that put me at a disadvantage going in. I could not shut my head off long enough to give me a moment's break. But somehow I managed to get there. To a location that I knew provided me no safety net, no possibility of rescue...no way out. I agreed that this scene was entirely in his hands. There were no limits, no words that would stop the action. I had nothing to hold onto except my trust. Trust in my choice. Trust in the man I had come to know.
The scene itself lasted 8 days. I'm not going to go into a lot of the details because many of them were far too personal to post in this space. We first took an hour or so to just connect. Then he had me help him prepare for the scene. He told me to begin laying out implements. I have never seen so many items of torture in one place, not even in the most well stocked of dungeons. There were items I had never seen, didn't even know what they were...but their potential use and purpose was terrifying clear. Every instinct of self preservation that I have was screaming at a level that was deafening and had to be overridden. Almost as though I were on auto pilot I continued to lay things out. How on earth would I ever endure what was to come???
The first entire day and night of the scene was interrogation. I've done interrogation before....but never like this. This man was well trained at this. There was absolutely nothing I could do right...no right answer to any question. It didn't take long before he had my mind flailing helplessly. There was anger, there was intimidation, there was humiliation, there was absolute degradation, there was pain, pressure....panic. There were needles, there were knives, there was electricity at unbelievably painful levels. There were medical instruments. There were violent outbursts that were followed by what I prayed was mercy...only to find out that I was being giving false hope of any such thing. One moment he was a monster like I'd never encountered, pure evil...and the next he was tender. I'd reach out to suck in that tenderness only to find it yanked away and replaced with mocking and more pain, more humiliation, more degradation. Ever increasing pressure, ever increasing pain. I grew weary and my mind raced. Music so loud it was painful, complete darkness followed by light so bright it felt like it was stabbing through me. Times that seemed like they lasted forever with no air to breathe. Freezing cold and burning. My body crumpled in a heap yanked and forced back to the here and now to withstand the next round of assault. Moments that I questioned all of the choices that I had made leading up to this. Moments that I thought death was impending and imminent. My mind began to collapse in on itself. Begging, pleading, crying, screaming, drooling, vomiting, bleeding. There was no subspace to be found anywhere...he wouldn't let it happen. I ran the same line over and over and over in my head...the only thing I had left to cling to...."I trust you"...."I trust you". Spiraling to a place where there were no thoughts I could make any sense of. Madness....shear and utter madness. A level that I thought I would likely never recover from. Certainty that I would spend the rest of my days locked away in a padded cell....IF I survived. I could no longer respond. Nothing coherent came from my mouth or went through my mind. Every thought failed or betrayed me.
And that was only Day 1. I had 7 more to make it through. Each bringing new, difficult and painful experiences. The man I had entrusted myself to vascillating between caretaker and monster.
He brought me through it and pulled me out on the other side clean and renewed. He carefully helped me to pick up and put back together the pieces and shards I became during those days. I didn't know what the outcome of that scene would be for "us". I didn't know if I would still consider him friend or if I would push him away and never want to see his face again. What I really wasn't expecting was the outcome that happened. I found that I came out of the experience 100% owned, whether that was our intention or not. I found that there was an unshakable bond that was created, a trust that I could never begin to question.
So mindfuck?....yeah, that was a pretty serious mindfuck. He wasn't testing my submission. I wasn't trying to prove that I am a "heavy player" that could swim with the sharks. So maybe that makes me not "real" in your eyes. But as far as mindfucks go I'd say that the scene had a much greater impact than a momentary "Oh shit" ever could have...and likely told us more about each other and our compatibility than any blind faith scene done by a couple of strangers who were out to prove how sadistic or slavely they are.
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