RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

MadRabbit -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 6:09:39 PM)
It could be a number of things. I've been with a few girls where there was no connection of any kind and the sex mostly amounted to being as satisfing mentally as masturbating to porno. In those cases, I had to force myself to invest the energy needed for orgasm control and good sex, because I had an indifference and/or aversion to the sex itself. I really didn't want to do it on the inside, but was just going through with the motions. When I don't feel in sync with my partner, the sex is going to be bad. In the prescense of strong lust or a deeper connection, then no "forcing" is required as I will want to invest the energy needed to have really great mind blowing sex. At the same time though, it's not in my nature to do something for my partner's pleasure that isn't pleasurable for me so if the person I am with isn't compatible with me sexly, it's not gonna work. Not all guys are stimulated solely by big tits and ass. Sometimes if we aren't feeling it on a mental, emotional, or energy level, we aren't going to perform. Of course, it could also be the more cynical suggestions already given, but thought I would throw this out there for some variety.

derfrewop -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 6:53:09 PM)
I don't think this is disconnect. He got exactly what he wanted: a one time use, disposable sub, who he does not need to concern himself about keeping. While I don't understand the mindset. the fact is that there are a lot of subs out there so he will be too old to get it up before he runs out of victims. I really do think the error here is yours. Every Dom I have ever thought to be "respectable" is always interested in making sure he will get to do it again. Why does a D spend the time to find out what makes a sub tick? So they can do it and then do it again and again. Why does a D spend the time to find out limits? So they avoid what will prevent them from having you again and again. Why spend days and weeks practicing skills unless you want to do it again and again? Why SSC? So you can do it again. So how is it possible for you to repeatedly attract dickheads unless you are somehow telling them you just want to be disposable? Once or twice could be naivety. Several in a row can only mean that this is what you are negotiating and agreeing to. Somehow, you are presenting yourself as a one shot, not seriously looking for an ongoing relationship. And getting just that. I mean really, why would he spend the huge amount of time writing emails, communicating, meeting in public, negotiating limits, and all of the hoops subs make doms jump through, all for one short blow? The only thing that makes sense is that there was no reason for him to believe there was anything more possible.

MercTech -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 6:54:30 PM)
Well said, MadRabbit. Without the heart and mind engaged, sex is just masturbation with a partner. Candystripper... get a copy of "The One Hour Orgasm" by Bob and Catherine Schwartz (Amazon has it) If he doesn't take a hint from that... trade him in on a model with more responsive steering. Stefan

candystripper -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 6:55:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth quote: WTF? How is this a ‘sexual relationship' – unless it’s some weird form of masturbation? I mean, like, where’s her orgasm? some submissives get intense pleasure and some are even brought to orgasm by pleasing/pleasuring their partner. those particular submissive's pleasure/orgasm is bringing their partner pleasure, by a blowjob, handjob or whatever the sexual activity is that the partner desires. Ya, I know Merc. But see, in order to mistake me for a submissive even remotely interested in that kind of dynamic, you'd need -- at a minimum -- to have virtually* no info about me at all.* It's pretty apparent that I* view the D/s scene through a* sexual lens, if ya know what I mean. To me, 'sexual' conveys virtually the same meaning whether or not it's used in a D/s context. It's kind of like: vanilla = sexual and D/s = sexual + So I don't think that accounts for it. candystripper

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 6:55:51 PM)
ooops wrong thread

candystripper -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:03:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lronitulstahp Sexually disconnected, you say???? Maybe they forgot t pay their SEXUAL bill!!!!!! [sm=rofl.gif][sm=Groaner.gif] Actually...i think a few of us have been there. We blew some loser who was, or at least claimed to be, Dom. He pats your head gives you a lackluster "good girl"(sub, slut, whatever) and enjoys a peaceful nap whilst you gargle and wonder if your lot in life is more dire than you thought. You have to just decide if telling him "we're not amused" is too unseeming for your obsequious nature, and make a move. Either accept it, or call him on his shit. Well, Thank Gawd! At least I know it's happened to someone else too, and stop worrying if people can really* lay curses out on others, LMAO.* Seriously -- thanks a lot. candystripper

Leatherist -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:04:29 PM)
Laughs-welcome to the world of "obectified property". It comes from seeing someone as a toy.

candystripper -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:11:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlindDescent Men don't talk to one another about much of anything. They compare. They one up. There is really little content that passes between men that is not technical, complaintive or competative in nature. It really is a shame. When it comes to sex; remember: men are a genetic package delivery system. Their genes focus on exquisite UPS standards. On time then get the hell outta there. There is no finessing. No lingering to say how nice the office looks. It is the rare man who transcends his genetic manifesto and actually participates in the entire process of a relationship...gasp...I used the dirty word. Linnear men can't see beyond the task. Narcisstic men can't see beyond themselves...bad combo to be both. A gardener is involved in all aspects of his labor and bears the fruit based on time and intuition. Any relationship yeilds greater fruit based on attention and effort. But then again...I enjoy repetatively succulent fruit that falls from the tree into my mouth becasue it knows that's where it is savored and appreciated. Just my opinion having been a man for 56 years and finding man landscape fairly dull and barren. I much prefer the vibrancy of women. Actually, I think that's the answer. I'm not sure I entirely grasp what you said, but it seems to me some dynamic like that must be at work. My only question is this: Why now? Because of my age and the age of the men I date? Because I'm datings Doms and not vanilla guys? And why to a level approching 75%? Thank you so much, BlindDescent. It actually matters rather a lot for me to gain some sort of handle on what's happening. candystripper P.S. Any idea how to identify such a man prior to the bj?

Leatherist -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:17:56 PM)
Because of your desperation, and the ease with which your fantasies can be used to lead you.

candystripper -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:18:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Doesn't sound like they're disconnected from their pleasure, but have emotional intimacy issues with women. Issues strong enough that they seek to punish the past partner by mistreating the present. I'd suggest you spend more time talking about their past relationships to see if they are ready to start a new one or not. Because a guy who is afraid of a new relationship, who is still suffering from the past will find some way to sabotage a new relationship, and mistreating others sexually is just one way to do so. Well, I see your point DesFIP. I guess I just never thought of 'being in a sexual relationship' and yet 'being the only one who is sexual' as any form of 'synonym'. To me, they feel mutually exclusive. In any event, I want to get these fktards out of my bed! Can I be any more clear? Help! LMAO. candystripper

Aileen1968 -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:20:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: candystripper P.S. Any idea how to identify such a man prior to the bj? I think that most people, not just men, who are selfish in bed tend to be selfish in life. Things usually revolve around them. They need to be the center of attention. They tend to not really pay attention or have any interest in things you say or do. Big red flag there.

Leatherist -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:22:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 quote: ORIGINAL: candystripper P.S. Any idea how to identify such a man prior to the bj? I think that most people, not just men, who are selfish in bed tend to be selfish in life. Things usually revolve around them. They need to be the center of attention. They tend to not really pay attention or have any interest in things you say or do. Big red flag there. It is, since you generally ignore people you consider to be a waste of time.

candystripper -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:27:03 PM)
quote: So how is it possible for you to repeatedly attract dickheads unless you are somehow telling them you just want to be disposable? Once or twice could be naivety. Several in a row can only mean that this is what you are negotiating and agreeing to. Somehow, you are presenting yourself as a one shot, not seriously looking for an ongoing relationship. And getting just that. I mean really, why would he spend the huge amount of time writing emails, communicating, meeting in public, negotiating limits, and all of the hoops subs make doms jump through, all for one short blow? The only thing that makes sense is that there was no reason for him to believe there was anything more possible. derfrewop What scares the sht out of me about this is:* It could account for the phenom in its entirety...and therefore...stands a reasonable chance of being true. I'm going to have to start doing whatever 'reality-checking' I can to be sure it's not the case. Now, I'm off to have horrible nightmares... Nonetheless, derfrewop, I do thank you. Even if you're right it gives me a place to start improving my lot in life. candystripper <trembling>

MadRabbit -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:37:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 quote: ORIGINAL: candystripper P.S. Any idea how to identify such a man prior to the bj? I think that most people, not just men, who are selfish in bed tend to be selfish in life. Things usually revolve around them. They need to be the center of attention. They tend to not really pay attention or have any interest in things you say or do. Big red flag there. I don't know about that. Personally, I can be quite selfish in bed and quite selfish in life. Self gratification is part of my nature and the partners I choose are ones with a desire to please me and make me the center of their attention. I love receiving blowjobs and I don't have an urge to ensure both people receive an orgasm in all my sexual encounters. Of course, there is a balance and I have no need to always be the center of attention for everyone or make the whole world revolve around me. I pay a lot of attention to someone I am interested in (if I am, in fact, interested in them, otherwise I probably won't). I do my best to think about what someone I am dating or with needs or wants and as long as they are focused on me, then both of us get taken care of as I see fit. The point is though a lot of people are bashing and shedding a negative light on quite a few of the traits that tend to make dominants "dominant".

marieToo -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:38:21 PM)
Some men just suck in bed. It doesn't mean that they are disconnected necessarily.

candystripper -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:39:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Leatherist Because of your desperation, and the ease with which your fantasies can be used to lead you. Well, I'm confident nothing whatsoever would lead someone to get a strong desperate cue from me. Even if by some quirk it were to happen, it could not possibly be happeing frequently or even sometimes. Deep as the hunger does run -- I admit that -- I have a sense of 'suspense' about the future that leaves me kind of just 'waiting to see what happens'. Pretty much it'll be one of two things. Nobody shows up, and my life continuies to become more and more fulfilling, just not joyful* in a way I happen to crave.* Or Somebody does show up, and in addition to whatever other achievements of peace of satisfaction, etc., I have -- I will also have the joy. But there is absolutely zero* chance I'll ever again 'be in a sexual relationship' which I feel is a "bad relationship'.* Not too sure what you meant about 'fantasises leading me...' candystripper Leatherist, thank you for not being snarky to me. I know we haven't always had quality exchanges, and I accept my share of the blame for that.

candystripper -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:48:05 PM)
* messed it all up with the 'quoty thing'. Will reply later. Thanks, Aileen. candystripper

Leatherist -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:52:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: candystripper quote: ORIGINAL: Leatherist Because of your desperation, and the ease with which your fantasies can be used to lead you. Well, I'm confident nothing whatsoever would lead someone to get a strong desperate cue from me. Even if by some quirk it were to happen, it could not possibly be happeing frequently or even sometimes. Deep as the hunger does run -- I admit that -- I have a sense of 'suspense' about the future that leaves me kind of just 'waiting to see what happens'. Pretty much it'll be one of two things. Nobody shows up, and my life continuies to become more and more fulfilling, just not joyful* in a way I happen to crave.* Or Somebody does show up, and in addition to whatever other achievements of peace of satisfaction, etc., I have -- I will also have the joy. But there is absolutely zero* chance I'll ever again 'be in a sexual relation' which I feel is a "bad relationship'.* Not too sure what you meant about 'fantasises leading me...' candystripper Leatherist, thank you for not being snarky to me. I know we haven't always had quality exchanges, and I accept my share of the blame for that. All through your past threads you have projected this fantastical "castle realm" pov. You'll have to kick out the pink unicorns along with the fucktards. One leads to another-people first, then roles.

candystripper -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:57:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 quote: ORIGINAL: candystripper P.S. Any idea how to identify such a man prior to the bj? I think that most people, not just men, who are selfish in bed tend to be selfish in life. Things usually revolve around them. They need to be the center of attention. They tend to not really pay attention or have any interest in things you say or do. Big red flag there. I don't know about that. Personally, I can be quite selfish in bed and quite selfish in life. Self gratification is part of my nature and the partners I choose are ones with a desire to please me and make me the center of their attention. I love receiving blowjobs and I don't have an urge to ensure both people receive an orgasm in all my sexual encounters. Of course, there is a balance and I have no need to always be the center of attention for everyone or make the whole world revolve around me. I pay a lot of attention to someone I am interested in (if I am, in fact, interested in them, otherwise I probably won't). I do my best to think about what someone I am dating or with needs or wants and as long as they are focused on me, then both of us get taken care of as I see fit. The point is though a lot of people are bashing and shedding a negative light on quite a few of the traits that tend to make dominants "dominant". (Emphasis added.) MadRabbit is right. Please try to bear this in mind when replying. I mean, it's not helpful to tell me that in order to avoid some Doms, I could avoid all Doms, thereby solving my problem. More importantly, as you can well imagine, Doms 'hold a special place in my heart', so to speak. I get a little mental smack!* when I read snarky generalizations about Doms.* candystripper

NeedingMore220 -> RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms (8/19/2008 7:59:48 PM)
A personal question, candy - one you don't have to answer, obviously, but perhaps you can consider it. Are you new to actually getting out and dating Doms, after dipping your toes in the water online? You very well could be sending out the desperate clues signals that Leatherist mentioned, without even realizing it. Perhaps your radar for choosing men whose desires meet you isn't finely tuned yet. Perhaps you need to be very clear with a possible Dom how your past several experiences have gone, and ask someone whom you're interested in to be patient with you and to take things slowly. I speak from experience. I've met the men you're talking about - you're not alone, sad to say for me. lol I've been there with the Listerine and the 'what the fuck was that all about?' questions. But I did learn from those experiences and found my voice in sharing what it is I was really looking for and became much more careful in my communications. The quality of the men that I have spoken with recently has differed greatly from those I spoke with when first starting out.

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.0625