RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness"??

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RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/29/2008 9:43:18 PM

babygurlrides

Posts: 90
Joined: 8/13/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

While I strongly agree with the previous posters, it's worth pointing out that things like this don't just happen. Take a look at any red flags he might have put up that you decided not to notice.

Raven, I am sorry for the pain you must be feeling. But I have to agree with RedMagic on this one. In my past relationships, particularly the more painful ones, I can say that hindsight always revealed the red flags. And the more time that passed, the clearer those flags became.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 41

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/29/2008 11:26:51 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
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raven, sorry for your pain and turmoil. But I would tend to lay the blame squarely at the therapist, the fact that he denied it when you asked him about it but then also refused to discuss it further tends to make Me think that's where it came from and he doesn't want to admit it. There are a lot out there who still think it's a mental illness. It seems unlikely he would have got those specific words from some other source, except maybe a close family member? For it to have had the impact that it has on him, it must have come from someone he either trusts or respects enough to believe they speak the truth.

Wherever it has come from, that and the previous outbreak of such behaviour with another sub are waving like giant red flags to Me. I know it is hard to leave a relationship in which you have a lot invested. We often blithely say walk away here, but it's never an easy thing to do. I know, been there and done that twice with 2 husbands! But you get to the point where the insanity of staying outweighs the insanity of leaving. I'm getting the feeling you are close to that. But only you can make that call.

Good luck hon ... and to thine own self be true!

As to bdsm and god ... well I look on it this way. God made us in His own image ... so if we are sub and Dom so must He be! And the bible records Him as the ultimate Dom (omniscient, omnipotent etc) and yet Jesus came as the servant king who washed the feet of His disciples. So there you have it!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to babygurlrides)

Post #: 42

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/29/2008 11:47:03 PM

HisBlackPearl

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/31/2007
Status: offline

let me Say I have worked Psych for over 10 years, every hospital i have worked at has Known who and what i am.....When i worked small hospitals ,I got anal,smart ass,judgmental doctors who were playing :god.With peoples Lives, telling them How Bad, they were How Wrong they were or even how horrible of a person they were........When i worked State hospitals, I got people that were ok, But really did Not give Shit....County staff. same things, Private a lil Better, However all of them knew i was in the lifestyle and every time they had a person that was in the l/s come in a talk, they came to me and Said "help me understand this, that or whatever,WHY ??? BECAUSE to a person that does not know us we are FREAKS..WEIRD,KINKY,STRANGE,OR PERVS......... lets admit it they do..Each Doctor has told me that ' this is what we learn from day One is School,its a mental illness... I explained it was a Choice, not a mental illness. The norm is NOT the norm anymore people are exploring out in the open..BDSM is not new,,,its just not as TABOO ans it use to be.One Doctor had 3 of his friends come in and talk to me ask me why, how, when what to say, How to know ABUSE, from BDSM..... perhaps if his doctor convenced him he was Sick or MI then ask him to go to a kink friendly doctor. OR kink friend therapist. It at this poing is Not about you, and or your fault its his mind set right now, Sometimes guilt( for nothing at all0 maybe he found god, who knows.I Dont think he is out to hurt you..But find himself.All i can Say is stand by him to see what he wants , its kind of like a Vanilla relationship, when a hubands comes home and says i Dont want to be married, then returns after a week and says i am Sorry..take me back...ask him what he thinks, needs, wants, or see things going. take it from there.-Hisblackpearl

I never Saw a Wild thing feel Sorry for itself. A Bird will drop dead frozen from a Bough ,without ever feeling sorry for itself.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 43

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/30/2008 12:37:06 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It may be sick for him. It may have been something he sought to escape dealing with his own issues. Who cares?

What is sick is him now projecting his own issues on you.

This is his problem, not yours. He's an ex. That's the important distinction to remember. As an ex he doesn't have the right to influence your intimate life. So don't give him that right. When he began to talk about you is where you should have ended the conversation. If you want to listen as a friend to him talk about his problems, that's one thing. But exercise your boundaries and end the conversation when he turns on you.

_____________________________

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Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 44

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/30/2008 5:10:57 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

I think it is more of him dealing with relationship issues then anything   IT has nothing to do with kink or anything Just someone having closoure in their own way
we have all had hurtful past things in our lives do not be stupid to think that you have not grouped things with certain past relationships and said that was not cool or was crazy but at the time you where cool with them or the things you did   so this is normal behavior

     and according the greater world yes we of not of the norm and to anyone of the norm we would be seen as mental so what ever   as long as your world is in its on perfect shell be happy   and for crying out loud leave religious ideas out of things     thats a general statment hd found religion um what ever

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 45

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/31/2008 9:11:47 AM

johnsteed2

Posts: 27
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

Many therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists will treat BDSM as an illness, so this might be what's happened, and it might be time for him to change therapists.

In fact, according to WikiPedia's BDSM article, it wasn't really until 1994 when the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV (DSM-IV) was published that BDSM was finally no longer automatically classified as a disorder or illness (though there are now guidelines regarding behavior in which it can still be classified as such). DSM-IV TR (a minor revision) relaxed things even more. It will be interesting to see if DSM-V (due out in a few years) changes things any.

I also think there's a weird cosmic bit of humor in the fact that there's "DSM" in BDSM.

< Message edited by johnsteed2 -- 8/31/2008 9:12:47 AM >

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 46

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/31/2008 12:50:23 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Just an opinion. I don't think he got religion, nor do I think this is something that came from the therapist. Actually, I have two theories. They go something like this.

Especially because you say he has gone through this with another sub some time back, it seems this could be the easy way for him to end relationships. It's possible that he has commitment problems, or is now ready to look for and be with someone else. No, two times doesn't make a pattern, but there's nothing that makes Me believe it's only happened twice.

The other theory is he might be growing into more of a sadist, and he's having trouble with that. I know that one might sound like a stab in the dark, but since it's happened to Me, I tend to suspect it happens to others.

_____________________________

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to johnsteed2)

Post #: 47

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/31/2008 1:41:58 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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I like LP's first thought - this is his way out of a relationship without him having to deal with the pain and misery he causes. If he can say "my therapist says....." then he can deny any responsibility for his actions. Its sort of like saying "God made me do it". Very hard to argue with,since we are dealing with an authority figure.

I know - i'm cynical, but i have been around the block once or twice.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 48

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/31/2008 3:11:19 PM

ravenslaveheart

Posts: 14
Joined: 8/19/2008
Status: offline

he had asked me to come to joint sessions with his therapist, at least 2 visits. he had asked me, "won't you think my therapist is biased towards me?" and i answered "i can advocate for myself." when i asked him the date and time of the 2 visits, he said he really doesn't know if he wants to do it now, and can't give a reason. *shrugs*

playing a lot of music these days, i find Evanescence is wonderful for my situation ...

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time

_____________________________

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts and don't put up with whose who are reckless with yours.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 49

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/31/2008 4:08:27 PM

ominousdominus

Posts: 445
Joined: 8/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz

Haha, yeah... someone found jeebus!

LMAO!!!

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(in reply to Lynnxz)

Post #: 50

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/31/2008 4:10:23 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Raven, he's playing with you. Doesn't want you himself but doesn't want you to move on.

Shame on you for allowing him to do so.

If he asks you to meet his therapist, tell him these are his issues, not yours, and as you aren't any longer involved with him, it isn't at all in your best interest to do so.

When he starts in on how sick you are, tell him he is not permitted to speak badly of you and if he is going to do so then he needs to leave immediately.

One more thing, he's spending time with your offspring. Are you sure he isn't saying malicious things to her about you? Isn't asking her who you're seeing, what you're doing? You need to monitor this carefully.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to ravenslaveheart)

Post #: 51

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/31/2008 5:25:03 PM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

Hi Raven,

I'm am truly sorry to hear about the emotional roller coaster you have been on. I won't presume to know what is best for you, all I can do is offer my insight and hope I do no harm.

I know how much it hurts to have the foundation of your relationship pulled out from under you, much like the proverbial rug. Then to be told that rug didn't even exist? That it was all a lie? It must be very easy to second guess yourself. Especially if much of who you are and how you think or act was invested in your Dominants praise and opinion of you. I know the mantra of today. Submissives are strong and brilliant (we are,of course) but I tend to consider a D/s relationship to be a HEALTHY CO-dependence. To kneel, and gaze up into the eyes of another - and see yourself reflected back in that gaze - how could you not feel a bit lost when the landscape of that reflection changes so seemingly unexpectedly?

How? By gazing inward now. By taking your focus off HIM. NO, I am not advocating walking away or calling it quits. Not exactly.

Please remember, these are my thoughts and opinions - for what they are worth. They are not written in stone and they certainly are not any one way truisms.

The following is what I've ascertained from YOUR posts: You had a relatinship with this man. To whatever extent, that relationship was a D/s one and he was your dominant. He changed the rules mid -game. He harmed you, in what I consider to have been a harsh and needlessly cruel way. He has done this before, setting at least the possibiliy for a pattern of taking the cowardly way of ending a relationship.

Based off what you have revealed about this man, how he has handled things, how he seems to be waffling back and forth in such a manner that would seem he's playing you - how much of what he says now, are you willing to continue to own for yourself?

Ok, he was your dominant. I'm sure that his opinion was highly valued by you. Just be careful that any habit you fell into, while submitting to him, does not continue to drive your thought patterns and choices now. As sad as it is to contemplate, you may have to re-program your way of reacting to him. Maybe not. Maybe I am way off base here. It just seems to me, that his words have had something of a negaive impact on you, to the extent you came on here needing validation from others - to affirm that you are not sick and that your past actions are NOT a form of mental illness. Unfortunately, none of us here can give you that affirmation because the answer lies within YOU and how much of this man's own projecting you are willing to own for yourself. You strike me as an inteligent lady who has a strong sense of self and who knows that sometimes you have to take a look at your own hand, play the odds and call BULLSHIT when you think you are being played.

Best wishes,
WinD

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 8/31/2008 5:27:55 PM >

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 52

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/31/2008 5:57:39 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

Raven i like the evanescence's " going under" very empowering give it a listen . one line " don't want you hand this time I'll save myself " .. best wishes - i would let him free to fly .

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 53

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 8/31/2008 8:42:58 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

my somewhat-ex boyfriend/Dom just dropped a bombshell on me today! he said that he wants to pack up and sell all of his BDSM equipment. that's okay, i told him i'm keeping what's mine, because i'm still in the lifestyle. then he said that he's never ever going to be in the scene again, because he believes that it's SICK. *BOGGLE* as in, mentally ill sick. he says it's just "perverse codependence."

Why you sick.....(wanna move to Seattle?).....why I never!!!!!

(Got my finger on the Alaska Airlines 800 #....)

(in reply to ravenslaveheart)

Post #: 54

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 9/1/2008 1:57:11 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

I really feel for you....
the man is either on a psychotic break or has found a fundamentalist God. (imo).

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(in reply to ravenslaveheart)

Post #: 55

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 1/6/2009 6:43:30 PM

Tandor

Posts: 11
Joined: 12/1/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

My first thought was that he found religion.

Cali

I'd 2nd that

Tandor

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 56

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 1/6/2009 6:49:39 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

Oh, i have been here too much - i recognise this as being an old thread!

(in reply to Tandor)

Post #: 57

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 1/6/2009 7:46:40 PM

kdsub

Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline

I hope you don't blame yourself...you were honest...he was not. But I do understand his way of thinking.

When I first stared with my..."perversions"...and I still view them that way...I would feel guilt and swear I would not do it again. I'll bet many out there have the same experience.

The need for these perversions would build over time until I went on a wild binge. Then when the need was sated the guilt set in. More then once I killed my internet connection thinking this would stop the uncontrollable urges...It didn't work.

I think he is in the kill stage feeling guilt...but he will return to the lifestyle unless he pursues psychological help to control his urges.

Until he reconciles his problems one way or the other you are better off without him.

But once again do not blame yourself.

Butch

(in reply to ravenslaveheart)

Post #: 58

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 1/7/2009 12:46:13 AM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline

At OP
I wonder if he saw him self as "sick"?

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 59

RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness&q... - 1/7/2009 2:27:23 AM

TigerNINTails

Posts: 178
Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Just an opinion. I don't think he got religion, nor do I think this is something that came from the therapist. Actually, I have two theories. They go something like this.

Especially because you say he has gone through this with another sub some time back, it seems this could be the easy way for him to end relationships. It's possible that he has commitment problems, or is now ready to look for and be with someone else. No, two times doesn't make a pattern, but there's nothing that makes Me believe it's only happened twice.

The other theory is he might be growing into more of a sadist, and he's having trouble with that. I know that one might sound like a stab in the dark, but since it's happened to Me, I tend to suspect it happens to others.

HA! I have to say you have given up both of my considerations, beyond the therapist. If his therapist is an old musty, and not up to date on current data, and is indeed NOT kink friendly, he could be lying about whether he got his "ideas" from the therapist.

But, the minute you mentioned that this happened 4 years previous, leads me to believe that this happens to him every few years. Or rather, happens to his relationships. He can't reconcile with one submissive for the long haul.

As for the second theory, I have to say "Hell yeah!" because that actually happened to me.

Once upon a time, I was into M/s, was not sadistic (too much of an empath, and really, for the longest time, couldn't understand inflicting pain on anyone, even though I loved B&D, being rough and mimicking "non-consensual" sexual engagements) and was just into Bondage & Discipline, but not into S&M at all.

The more I engaged though, in B&D, the more I craved exploring things more deeply, and the deeper into B&D I got, the more into S&M I also engaged with my partners, especially when I found they were into that sort of sensation play.

Now while I identify as a "sensual sadist", my sadism tends to expand, and my need and desire to explore it expands every few years, in a desire to push my own and my partner's limits. So yes, that could be it, and honestly, I think he's afraid of the long haul. Or he is in need of changing things up, and this is the only way that he feels works for him to do so.

Which is just shitty in my opinion. IF that's the case. Because he could probably expand on his experience and take his submissive and slave to new levels in the process, and expand their relationship, rather than screwing it up.

_____________________________

Consistent Discipline Renders Punishment Unnecessary

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 60

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