i need help (Full Version)

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RiotGirl -> i need help (11/28/2005 5:11:36 AM)

(damn it mods let me post this)

Yes, everything is going down the drain.

Yes, i am constantly trying to be up beat and fix the problems.

Yes, i try and constantly ignore the issues in order to maintain my good mood.

Yes, it gives me those mood swings.

i need help, because my Master has fallen into this hole and i cant seem to drag him out of it. i love him to death, i think he's worthwhile, so i am constantly trying to find solutions. Constantly trying to work things out. i've been with him for over a year, technically i suppose i am a sub, but i have slave status with him. i Can not tell him what to do, i can not tell him no, and sometimes there is just plain no choices about things.

What are the problems? He disregards my safety. He lies to me, he sneaks around behind my back, he cheats(cheating as, he sleeps with some one and lies to me about it) on me, he doesnt work, he does absolultely nothing at all, he does not and can not pay his bills, he is harsh with my unmentionable (tho i think i have worked that out), he sleeps all day, he's on the computer all night. He uses others. Um, sexual interaction is at a nil with him, D/s goes stand still sometimes, he doesnt shower often. He has no motivation, no initiative. He's at war with MY family. He's at war with my daughter. The other day he threatened to smack me if i didnt drop my attitude and my unmetionable just to spite me, threw gritted teeth non the less and completely because he was pissed off.

Yes we live together. ON TOP of that, when i tried to leave him once, i went through such a phsyical turmiol i couldnt even stand up. i had to curl up in ball, because my legs wouldnt hold me. When i get so mad i'd like to chop his head off and i to the point hate him, i am literally sick to my stomach. i love him and i cant honestly imagine my life with out him. Yeah its rough times, but weather out the storm right? this is all recent.

and yeah, for those who read any of my posts. My jealousy is because he lies to me, and i cant trust him with women. Huh. But i figure if he's going to be a slut, go with it. Find the girls myself. i dont fear him "leaving" me. Or any of that jazz.

So yeah i'm a moody bitch and have been, because i've had some of these problems for awhile. i love him. God help us all when it comes to love. i love him and want to work things out. Do YOU get ME, i cant fathom losing him. i never could, which is why its been over a year i've been with him.

i need help. i need help.

i've tried talking. i just recently laid down the "not working, using others" issue. As i was trying to get him to once again not sleep through the day. He seems at this moment to be living in a fantasy land. Everyone is telling me to leave him, but god damn it i wont give up until absolutely nessacary. i love him, he is worth working it out with. Get me?

but of course, besides all that, there are the good things. They are there. He is an awesome person. He's slumped right now and i've less then a month at this moment to come up with rent or we lose a place to live. Yes, we're coming up on 3 months behind on rent, because my pacychecks have not made its way there. Now i've lost my job, as i was fired, because i didnt quit, and i cant go get another one unless i steal his car while he's sleeping to do so. Which i'm prolly just going to do.

We've all had bad times in our life. If some one out there could give me some good advice, something atleast to help me stay tough when it seems like everything is literaly falling apart. It'd be REALLY nice if some one could help me find a solution to get through to him, and get him back to where he used to be.

(and if i come back tomorrow later all happy and cheerful.. nothings changed.. i've just managed to ignore all the "problems" and focus on the good for awhile)



candystripper -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 5:22:56 AM)

quote:

So yeah i'm a moody bitch and have been, because i've had some of these problems for awhile. i love him. God help us all when it comes to love. i love him and want to work things out. Do YOU get ME, i cant fathom losing him. i never could, which is why its been over a year i've been with him.

candystripper


You are in an abusive relationship. He is not a Master. Your search for a solution/improvement is fruitless...because the only solution is to leave him. This is a form of child abuse; no child should see her mother in fear of her physical safety and constantly distraught over the actions of a Man.

i say all these things with positivity assuming what you posted is true, and if that assumption is flawed, then disregard my post.

If you spoke truthfully, then pack up, call the county sherriff, and have a deputy drive you and your kid to the woman's shelter in your area. There you will find the help you need, as well as other woman in the same pain as you. A shared burden is halved.

candystripper



LadyJulieAnn -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 5:25:13 AM)

You contradict yourself in this posting by saying your Master disregards your safety, cheats on you, and lies to you, but he's an "awesome person". I think your situation, as you describe it, is beyond you needing to "stay tough" when things are falling apart. Why would you endure something this disturbing in your life? You appear to have difficulty leaving, so I would encourage you to seek professional help that will assist you making the decision to leave.

If you can re-read your posting and honestly believe that your situation is worth saving, I think you might want to look inside yourself and try to understand why you feel being treated in this manner is ok.

Be well,
Julie



themischievous1 -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 5:30:27 AM)

I understand feeling "sick" at the thought of the loss of a man who won't do anything for himself or your relationship. You are addicted to him, unfortunately. I'm sorry, though. I refuse to call him a Master. What you're describing, (if it's all truly accurate) is a very sick individual. Obviously your first priority is to your "unmentionable." He's harsh with her? And the solution is simple. LEAVE. As in N-O-W. Parenting isn't a game and she didn't ask to be born. Your devotion should be with her first and foremost and what's best for her.

You can't get better till you get help and it's professional help you need, immediately, it sounds like. I hope you go to the local charity hospital and inquire about therapy with a licensed professional or try your local city medical school and universities that offer therapy on the sliding scale. Also start doing some reading on this topic: CODEPENDENCY.

I hope you start taking care of you and that unmentionable. Yesterday. Got it?



mistoferin -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 5:43:21 AM)

quote:

What are the problems? He disregards my safety. He lies to me, he sneaks around behind my back, he cheats(cheating as, he sleeps with some one and lies to me about it) on me, he doesnt work, he does absolultely nothing at all, he does not and can not pay his bills, he is harsh with my unmentionable (tho i think i have worked that out), he sleeps all day, he's on the computer all night. He uses others. Um, sexual interaction is at a nil with him, D/s goes stand still sometimes, he doesnt shower often. He has no motivation, no initiative. He's at war with MY family. He's at war with my daughter. The other day he threatened to smack me if i didnt drop my attitude and my unmetionable just to spite me, threw gritted teeth non the less and completely because he was pissed off.


riot,
Just in case no one has said this to you recently....and just in case you can't see it for yourself.....I am going to say it to you. YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS !!! What I am going to say to you I am saying because I care...even if it may sound harsh.

My best advice to you is that I think you should go back and read your post....but don't think about it as your own life. Think of it as a letter you received from your very best girlfriend. What advice would you be giving her?

You are a smart girl and a survivor. I KNOW that you can see this for what it really is. While I believe that people can and do sometimes change....YOU CAN NOT MAKE THEM CHANGE!

It isn't going to matter if you love him more.....or love him better....or love him different. Take the time and love yourself. Trust me on this from someone who has been there and knows......life can be good.....it can be all you have ever wanted and imagined.....but you have to love yourself enough to reach out for it and you have to love yourself enough to stop allowing yourself to be walked all over. You need to learn to recognize poison people.....and not allow them to stay in your life because when you do....your whole world becomes a toxic cesspool and in case you haven't noticed...right now you are swimming in it.

You know that you are welcome to contact me anytime.



Rover -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 5:52:15 AM)

Help you to do what, exactly?

To make decions for you?

To take the place of your real time friends and family?

To give you the strength to continue with this?

To fulfill a need for public sympathy, understanding and emotional outpouring?

To validate the reality that a slave will only take so much before being obligated to move on?

To change him? Best of luck with that one.

You already have all the answers, you just don't like them. Sometimes the answers suck, but the alternatives suck worse. Seriously, best of luck.

John



Quivver -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 5:56:34 AM)

Riot......... Welcome to the boat of Poor Life Choices.
I thought I was Queen, but you may have just won my title.
Girl.. listen up. I see the Yo Yo your riding. Your head telling
you one thing while your heart another. Right now you need to
listen to your head. I will NOT Master bash here, but I will say
your best interest is not apparent in his actions. Find a way to
do what you've gotta do, lick your wounds and take care of the
weeee one's. If you find a need to vent you know where to find me.

Hugs Riot.......
Q



Synocense -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:04:41 AM)

Alright, you are not going to give up until it is absolutely necessary. At least see and understand that the relationship you are in is NOT D/s? Because you cant tell him what to do, say no, and have no choice in things does not a D/s relationship make. This is going to sound harsh, but there are two of you that are living in a fantasy world. You think this man is in a "slump" - I would be more apt to call it 'a bad way of life' You do not worry he is going to leave you and all that "jazz" -- well of course not, what would he have if he did?? No house, no bed, no computer. Gosh. If you can figure out a way to trust this person ever again, please pass on the knowledge to the rest of us. OR - take it for what it is, a dysfunctional relationship that you are choosing to remain in, in hopes of changing it's very foundation. Not likely I am afraid.

Best of luck,
Syn



wipmebeetme100 -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:10:10 AM)

quote:

So yeah i'm a moody bitch and have been, because i've had some of these problems for awhile. i love him. God help us all when it comes to love. i love him and want to work things out. Do YOU get ME, i cant fathom losing him. i never could, which is why its been over a year i've been with him.



It is obvious that you love him. Please.....please, start to love yourself enough to realize that no one should love like this. Love your self enough to understand that you and your unmentionable deserve much better. It is apparent that you want to help him...but you can't. He has to want to help himself...and then he has to do it. Your responsibility is to your unmentionable. Do you really want her growing up and remembering her childhood as what you have described? Please....love yourself enough to insist on your own happiness.

Peace....and i will be thinking of you,
cathy



MHOO314 -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:16:19 AM)

The lifestyle does not absolve you from your human responsibilites when things begin to go sour--( I am sure we will hear from JohnWarren on this when he reads your post)--you were christened with two titles long before sub--Woman and Mother---when you became Mother--THAT became your first priority at all costs no matter what is going on with a "Master"--you are currently breaking the law--it is called endangerment, you have exposed your child knowingly and repeatedly to an abusive situation--whether he directs it at them or not, your fear is eroding your child's security and establishing the framework for them to end up in an abusive situation--and you have exposed your child to be taken from you, one call from a relative to DFS and its all over--is that what you want?---yes RiotGirl, its abusive---anger, warring, lack of adult responsibility is abuse---and just because he beats his chest and calls himself Master, doesn't mean he reigns supreme when he starts failing you--at the end of the day there are humans involved in a bad home life--all bets are off and you need to be the lioness and defend your cub--we are all here, but it must come from you--



RiotGirl -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:20:10 AM)

Funny, i knew its excatly what everyone would say. As everyone in my real life tells me the same. No not looking for sympathy. i'm in my own mess. i let it happen. My fault. i've had friends warn me in the past. Like with the lying. Yeah he covers it up real good, but i'm not so dumb and i know the truth anyways. Not looking for emotional outpouring either, its not like i need collarme to think even less of me as they already do. i could go to my friends, but heck they dont think very highly of me, because i am still here. No i dont want to "change" him. i want him TO WAKE UP.

As for the unmentionable, i've alway put my foot down. It was just one night and i've settled that kind of quick. She was actually asleep, the sentence he said was because when she wakes at night she cries, some unknown reason been doing it for ever, and he started giving her a hard time about it and i wasnt having it. what can i say, i got pissy. So anyways, i had a long discussion with him in that area and things are going quite smoothly in that area. Hell, i've been working on all this crap for well, ever it seems. That area is getting better. Heck, even him with the girls is getting better.

Funny you say about loving myself, he says i need to do the same as well. As for him being awesome, he's got good traits. Ever seen my post about "faults" .

As a friend has pointed out to me.. i just dont like the answer. Never have. Not from day one. i refuse to take that option. Does it help if i say it didnt use to be this bad? i need help finding another solution. As for going to see a therapist. Well CANT heppen right now. Imagine me with out my ID (as he has it), no car to drive, and all the money in his account. LOL i suppose i could hitchhike.

Does anyone else have down periods? We all have our times in life when we arent doing well. things can and will get better. i just need help finding alternative solutions as the option everyone keeps throwing at me isnt going to work.

Btw - yeah i've re read my post, yeah i can see it from an outside perspective, yeah i know what the conclusion is and i know what it all adds up to. (and it isnt abusive) i have been in dealing with this (not all, but some) for ages. Plenty of time to look at everything in a million different ways.



KCMOLucky -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:24:10 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

god damn it i wont give up until absolutely nessacary.


Hun, it's neccesary. Listen to your family, your friends, and the people you've come to here on the boards, and get the hell out. I'd be damned if someone who said they loved me put me thru half the shit you're going thru. That's not love; that's not even a relationship. It's not even an S&M dynamic. It's an abusive, manipulative situation, and it's only going to get worse.

I really hope you make this decision well, because you're not the only one you've got to think about. You know the people here and in your family will support you.

Good luck, hun. Email me on the other side if you need to.

Mary



Rover -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:24:46 AM)

This will sound harsh, but in reality it's offered with caring and best hope:

The issue is no longer what is wrong with him, but what is wrong with you.

John



ExistentialSteel -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:24:50 AM)

He must have good qualities if you think highly enough of him to still love him. Honestly, it sounds like he is in a depressed state with the current behavior. Why not try to get him help? Ask him about it?



RiotGirl -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:29:25 AM)

quote:

all bets are off and you need to be the lioness


i am. Had a major talk, amongst all my other "attitudes" with him. Nothing but pleasantrie around the little one lately. i do stand up when it comes to her. Often, repeatedly, to the point where he almost lost his cool with me. Hence the night he threatned to smack us. Which i layed down the law too. As i told him there are two things that will send me gone. One is her. The other is raising a hand to me. Two things no matter how i feel, i cant tolerate. the first one, is something i couldnt live with myself if i did tolerate. Like i said, i dont sit idly back and watch all this crap go on. i fight every fucking step of the way. Every fucking day, sometimes several times a day. Yeah, he's become irresponsible.. and i dont know what to do about that. Other then argue with him AGAIN, as i have done today. i have spoken my mind, told him excatly where i stand. And i dont back down.

And its NOT abusive, i KNOW abusive. okay so he scared me once. Cleared up. i know abusive. This isnt it. Worst case scenario is he's a bum. And he's leeching off of me. Using me.



MHOO314 -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:30:26 AM)

Children who wake in the night and cry-- have a reason, what I see now is your selfishness to maintain what you want, not what is best for her or you--we have to make hard decisions all of us, and if you called any number of friends or social agencies they will get you out--you have fallen into the trap of talking your self out of it when the sun comes up----are you indeed proud to call him Master? is he doing all he can to grow you? nurture you? protect and guide you? who really is the master in that relationship? Take the collar off and deal with what's really happening--



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:30:58 AM)

No one is going to change the situation until they decide they need to.

I'm very sorry things are going so badly for you, but I know that no one here is going to change anything you choose to do for yourself.

Perhaps my one big chip is to think of your child. Do you want this relationship to be the example for her to go by when she is going through life at your age?

Imagine yourself doing the thing that the most confident and secure YOU would do. Then do that.

Or not.



Quivver -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:39:04 AM)

Riot.......
Listen up, Been there done that!!!! He is NOT GOING TO WAKE UP!!!
You cant make him WAKE UP. Your standing on the edge, and although
edge play might be something your into, eventually your either gonna
jump or he'll push you. Period.
This isnt even a MindFuck, it's real. And eventually a mental rape like
this, one your allowing even if it's done with love is going to strip
you bare into a humiliation like no other. Damn Girl ... listen to me!!!
If the shoe was on the other foot and it was you who was lazy sucking
every inch of your life from him he'd have his foot planted straight in your
Ass as he aimed you for the door.

Down Periods happen when we make poor life choices, it takes YEARS
to recover. I'm living proof Riot. Please take everyone's words to heart
and find the courage to do what's best for you. Hitchhike if you must.
Do what you've gotta. Go numb and find a way out!

Q






RiotGirl -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:40:41 AM)

quote:

The issue is no longer what is wrong with him, but what is wrong with you.


dont i fucking know it

quote:

He must have good qualities if you think highly enough of him to still love him. Honestly, it sounds like he is in a depressed state with the current behavior. Why not try to get him help? Ask him about it?


Thanks an alternative solution. i appreciate it greatly. i've asked him, talked to him about it. Still talking to him. i'm working on it.

funny there are times when this all seems so far away. But atleast i learned ONE thing here today. i'm not wrong. Things are messed up. LOL he's a good talker. Everyone else isnt wrong either. Its not all in my head, its not just my own baggage having me see things like this.

and gawd, i suppose i came here one for help, two to find out if i'm wrong and three, because i've been dying to to be honest about the whole story some where. i've been dying to be honest for ages and i've been dying to open my mouth.

god, you all are going to hate me now too huh. i do know i need to leave him. god i know. i do i do i do. i just cant bring myself to it and i dont know why and i've studied that and well came up with a few answers, but none of them were good enough. i've got a million excuses while i'm still here.



camigirl -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:41:57 AM)

It sounds to me as if your Master might be suffering from depression and needs to see a Dr.

In my opinion, once a Master becomes abusive he looses his status as Master.
You need to take charge and do whatever needs to be done.
I work in property management and strongley suggest you borrow money wherever you can. If you are evicted and a judgement placed against you it will effect you for many many years to come.
I wish you well,
camigirl



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