RE: i need help (Full Version)

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RiotGirl -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:49:49 AM)

imma listening. think its cool to give a dead line of shape or get out type thing? Anyone think that would be ok? Instead of all out and out just booting him to the door. And you're right Quivver, he would too. No way in hell would he let me act like this.

This will sound stupid. But how do you go about "kicking" some one out. Just walk up and throw my hands on my hips, list every thing thats wrong and say "you gots to go buddy"? And i cant believe i'm even considering it, as like i swore to myself that i would ignore anyone saying such as i KNOW there has to be an alternative.

Another question, if things pick up. He works on this stuff and does better.. is it a salvagable situation?



MHOO314 -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:51:33 AM)

but not one excuse to stay focuses on the welfare of your child--if you are going to remain, send your child to a family member, SHE deserves better.



RiotGirl -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:52:53 AM)

JUST for the record this is all plain crazy. Its crazy i'm saying this and its crazy what you all are saying. i'm just getting to the end of my line of BS i can take, i suppose.

For the record again, he's never laid a hand on me. he threatened it. Not a big difference really, if one wants to think about it. But still.

ok this is like drama central right now. cant stand it. i'm gonna step back and think about what you all said and as its alittle to obvious to ignore.

(just so you know, my unmentionable is with my mother alot, a nut job herself, but better then nut jobs at my place)

Thanks for the input. i really needed to hear it all. i did. You have me thinking, and you're right, i need to be a lioness as some one said. i need to say "its not okay" (atleast i know i'm not WRONG) i hate doing things that are wrong. i hate being wrong. But i'm not, everything i feel is right on target. No matter what he says. thanks all for showing me.



camigirl -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:54:51 AM)

quote:

And its NOT abusive, i KNOW abusive. okay so he scared me once. Cleared up. i know abusive. This isnt it. Worst case scenario is he's a bum. And he's leeching off of me. Using me.


In my opinion, someone who lies, cheats, and uses someone else is abusive. It doesnt have to be physical.

camigirl



mistoferin -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:56:40 AM)

quote:

This will sound stupid. But how do you go about "kicking" some one out. Just walk up and throw my hands on my hips, list every thing thats wrong and say "you gots to go buddy"?


Not stupid. I wouldn't even waste my breath listing anything. I would simply say..."I have made a decision, it's final and I want you to leave...NOW. I have said all I am going to say on the matter, it was not important enough to you to listen before so I am not going to waste my time now."

quote:

as i KNOW there has to be an alternative.


Really....there isn't.

quote:

He works on this stuff and does better.. is it a salvagable situation?


No. Forgiveness could happen but unfortunately we never forget. It's easy when things are going well but the moment things turn bad Riot....it's all right there again. You will never fully trust this man again no matter how much you want to.



Synocense -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:58:17 AM)

"think its cool to give a dead line of shape or get out type thing? Anyone think that would be ok?"

It is only cool if you are not bluffing.

"Another question, if things pick up. He works on this stuff and does better.. is it a salvagable situation?"

Possibly, with the same amount of dedication and patience you give your unmentionable that was mentioned. [;)] One thing that still concerns me though is this.... You seem not to realise that abuse comes in many forms. Someone need not physically hit another person for it to be abuse. There is mental, emotional, financial abuse, as well as physical. And more that I didnt list. You defend your relationship in the sense that it is not abusive, yet from what you describe, it is exacly that, sugar.

Syn

Syn



candystripper -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 6:58:33 AM)

quote:

Does anyone else have down periods? We all have our times in life when we arent doing well. things can and will get better. i just need help finding alternative solutions as the option everyone keeps throwing at me isnt going to work.

RiotGirl


You know from my previous posts i represented battered women in Florida for years. i ecognise the state you are in and do not denigrate you a bit -- you cannot imagine leaving Him, so you stay, working on the various facets of this abusive relationship as if -- if only you could figure it out -- there's a way to change it/Him and peace and happiness will reign.

As i have previously stated, most women consulted me 3 or 4 times before they were actually ready to leave; and in most cases, they left either due to fear of imminent death or His abuse of the children.

No one can change your head space; you will have to move at your own rate, and i respect that; i do. However, you cannot ethically remain so deeply in denial that you ignore the abusive effect this living situation has on your child. Trust me, if He's raising His voice to you, your child is not sleeping. You are allowing her sense of safety to be destroyed and you are modeling behavior for her for her future relationships with men.

i wish there was something any of us could say but the first step -- LEAVING -- is entirely within your judgment. i am not posting here again...this subject is too upsetting to me.

candystripper



RiotGirl -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 7:05:06 AM)

This sucks. how could i be this DUMB. Abuse is a word people like to throw around when they arent happy with something.

True that on the forgetting thing. As well, guess where i end up every time something happens. Good news though, LOL (which really isnt funny, but well sorta is) he's getting sick of me and all the fighting i'm doing with him. He's told me that alot. he's sick of my attitude too. <shrugs>

So IT IS okay, that if he shapes up, i can not give up on him. We've got until Dec 19 to for rent before we're kicked out. Seems like a good time, that if things arent "back on track" by then, it'll be easier to go our seperate ways. Which is why i asked that question.



DesertRat -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 7:06:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: camigirl

It sounds to me as if your Master might be suffering from depression and needs to see a Dr.

In my opinion, once a Master becomes abusive he looses his status as Master.
You need to take charge and do whatever needs to be done.
I work in property management and strongley suggest you borrow money wherever you can. If you are evicted and a judgement placed against you it will effect you for many many years to come.
I wish you well,
camigirl


I agree, the guy might be suffering from depression. It's a great excuse that could allow him to take advantage of you for years to come, while he makes half-assed attempts to "get better". It also has the attraction of making him the victim instead of...or in addition to you. Poor depressed guy. I've been there. Spent decades going through the motions of "getting better". Spent many years using others, and doing it so well I could actually make some of them actually feel sorry for me and wish they could do more.

My second wife was (is) a genius, I think. She caught on and did the right thing: She left. I wasn't faking my depression and don't think my behavior was as low as your master's, but still she did the right thing. Things worked out well for both of us. I eventually got myself some real help and turned my life around. She....well...I don't know...we never had any contact after ending it over 12 years ago...but she got away from me, which was a definite plus. I am glad she left. It hurt at the time, but needed to happen.

She kept the cats and our black lab. Now I have Otis and Daisy. Don't know what that has to do with anything; just wanted to add it to my babble.

Bob



Prunesquallor -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 7:08:54 AM)

Riot,

There is only one solution, and I think you know what that is.



mistoferin -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 7:23:27 AM)

quote:

So IT IS okay, that if he shapes up, i can not give up on him. Which is why i asked that question.


I really am so sorry to have to do this to you Riot but I can only hope that you understand this in the context it is meant. You asked that question because you wanted someone to validate your excuses for staying. I care more about you than to do that to you.

You know me pretty well and you know that I shoot straight from the hip. You know my background and you know that I have worked with hundreds if not thousands of women who are or were in the same exact boat you are sinking in. I am not going to coddle you and I am not going to give you false hope. I am not going to say things to you just to make you feel better.

In all of those women Riot who were in your situation, it depresses the hell out of me to tell you that NOT ONCE was a relationship like yours salvagable. They end one of three ways. Either they end very badly with the woman or children injured, dead or so emotionally scarred that all the therapy in the world can't erase it, the women stay in them and continue to float in a pool of shit trying desperately to keep their nose above the stink, or the women summon the courage it takes to get themselves out and reach for a better life. I wish to God I was wrong on this but so far history has proven itself.

He obviously is not in a position to act like a responsible adult so as bad as it sucks that leaves it on you. You HAVE to be the one to be responsible here. I know that hurts. I know that is easier said than done. I know that sucks. But there is no other option. AND I KNOW that YOU have the strength it takes to do it.



MasterRobert1 -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 7:56:11 AM)

Yep, you're in an abusive relationship. And, for some reason, that seems to be what you want right now. Only to deal with this is to address YOUR issues. I, personally, don't see any hope for your relationship with your Master. But, there's still hope for you. I'd get some counseling, at the very least. And, screw up your courage and your resolve and LEAVE. I don't care how much turmoil you will end up going through. You're headed for real trouble if you don't get out and soon.



windchymes -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 8:07:13 AM)

Unfortunately, I have to agree with everyone else here.

You cannot "fix" people.

You cannot "make" anyone "wake up".

You cannot "get" people to do something they do not "want" to do.

You cannot have everything YOU want, you have to deal with what "is".

This stuff all sucks, big time, but they're true. Because of your daughter, you have to take care of YOURSELF, because you have to have to be there for HER, first and foremost. You are a mother before you are a slave. Maybe things are good temporarily, but if he's suffering from a depression, or some kind of emotional instability, who knows if he will "crack" someday and begin swinging? Or worse?

You cannot stay in denial and hope for the best and focus on a few "good" times and things and the way things used to be, etc. You HAVE to deal with what is happening NOW and what might happen if you don't do something NOW! For your safety and for your daughter's safety. You're no good to your daughter or to him if you yourself are in emotional turmoil.

You need to find the strength somewhere. I hear compassion from every post in this thread. I'm sure you have real life family and friends who will step in to help. Can you move in with a family member, even if temporary? Your daughter needs a roof over her head. And food. Please don't say "there's nowhere I can go!" If you get evicted, you will go somewhere. It's always good and responsible to have a back-up plan, you never know. I would talk to the landlord and explain the situation....in general terms, no need to say "My Master's fallen on rough times." Keep the M/s thing out of it. Maybe the landlord will let you make a partial payment....something towards the back rent....at least for now. Although why this responsibility has to fall onto YOU, I don't understand, but apparently, at the moment, it has.

Don't worry about being "outted". He's the one showing instability. Just laugh it off if he plays that card. "Yeah, in his dreams I'm his slave, hahahah". Roll your eyes and say, "Oh, it's a game we play sometimes." Once again, you and your daughter's health and safety are number one.

No one can help someone in your partner's situation except he himself. HE has to want to. And usually, someone like that has to hit rock bottom before they do anything...if ever. Maybe you leaving would be the wake up call you want for him. If not, then you're one step toward fixing YOURSELF. One step and then another step....they will add up in time.

chymes




FTopinMichigan -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 8:13:38 AM)

Sounds like quite an abusive and controlling relationship to me, and it also sounds like something you want to remain in, for whatever reason. I do think that you both need some help, regardess.

There's an organization in Michigan that has helped lifestyle folks from all over. You, and others in a similar situation might check out their site for more information, and perhaps someone there might help you to figure things out with you. They have dealt with these types of situations, and have helped others. Some think it's a positive place, and others are against it, like with anything. I support the idea of the organization.

The site is "Immediate Family" at org, not com. There's a history and organizational purpose listed, along with an FAQ, as well as an addy to contact them.

K



Rover -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 8:20:28 AM)

Seriously, all the value judgments about this relationship are out of line.

Controlling? What power exchange relationship is not controlling? Doesn't control distinguish power exchange relationships from all other relationship types?

Abusive? What happened to consenting adults participating in whatever relationship dynamic they desire? Doesn't the moral majority consider all BDSM relationships abusive?

Really, those are roads you simply don't want to go down. Bottom line is whether or not she's happy, fulfilled and her needs are being met. Our value judgments reflect what is "right" for us. Only she knows what is "right" for her.

John

P.S. - I will grant you that she has already expressed answers to those questions.



KatyLied -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 8:32:13 AM)

quote:

Abusive? What happened to consenting adults participating in whatever relationship dynamic they desire?


Thank you John, I think people need to be reminded of this.



FelinePersuasion -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 8:35:48 AM)

At this point if you're gonna loose your house because his problems and he won't help with the load and your checks aint cutting it. you're endangering your child. And the behavior is affecting your child Potentially being homelss is not safe enviroment for the child, nor is his threatening to slap you if you don't drop your attitude, what if your devotion to him costs your kid, Become homeless and cps just might step in and take your kid when everything else comes to light.


I've been in the system I spent 6 years in it. You don't want your kid snatched by CPS you'd be lucky to ever get her back. The system is so flawd about half the kids in there fall through the cracks, I was one of the ones who fell through and most are damaaged horribly over time by the very system that was posta "save them" And sometimes the kids are abused in the system by the very people who were to be the "protectors. And nobody gives a shit if kids are being abused by other kids in the system or by adults in the enviroment.

And it's certaintly not "great guy" behaviors to cheat and to lie and to sneak around. Depression isn't an excuse, If he was a great guy he wouldn't be acting this way depressed or not. Depression isn't an excuse to act like an ass.



You have a child to think of and their needs, you should probably be putting your offsprings needs first, and potentially becomeing homeless isn't putting your off springs best interest and saftey first.



BlackRobe -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 8:38:33 AM)

Everything goes down the drain for you because you are caught on the slippery slope of the abusive lover. You are drawn to him like a drug. But like a drug he will use your body and fill you with disease until you die or kick the habit that is him




BlackRobe



FTopinMichigan -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 8:39:56 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover
Seriously, all the value judgments about this relationship are out of line.


Seriously, [;)] when someone posts in a public forum, such as this one, with information about themselves, and opens up in such a manner, they should expect their words/situation to be judged. That's the point of posting the situation here, in the first place isn't it? Offering what's happening and trying to figure out how to handle it, or look at things differently. To hear the perspectives and reactions of others sometimes helps us get insight into ourselves.

I offered my own opinion, in how I saw the relationship, as she decribed it. It is ONLY for her to decide if that's the case. She is the only one that knows the entire situation.

From the OP's responses, I'd think she was taking in what everyone had to offer.

I wish her and her family well, and offered my own opinion and suggestion that might offer yet another perspective.

K



BlackRobe -> RE: i need help (11/28/2005 8:46:58 AM)

It doesn't actually sound like Riot Girl "consented" to this type of relationship. If her "master" had let her know off the bat that this was the kind of thing she could expect, well then she would be in exactly the kind of relationship she signed up for. This sounds more like some kind of sickness, corrupting what could otherwise have been a good relationship. If she didn't know that this was what she had to look forward to, it is abuse.



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