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In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 1:20:20 PM   
dementdsuby


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/20/2008
Status: offline 		I am in a quandry, so I am coming to the experts for some help/advice.  So, here is my issue.....I have been in a LTR with a gentleman I met here on collarme for the last 2 years.  Out agreement for these last 2 years is pretty straight-forward.  I belong to him, I don't talk to other Dom's without permission, no screwing around, etc etc.  So, in these 2 years I have asked, respectfully, for an actual sign of his ownership (a collar) perhaps 6 times.  It's important to me.  Then we discussed getting me pierced, a year later we finally did after I bought everything on my own.  2 months ago I told him I would really appreciate it if he could adjust his profile to mention that he owned a sub, since we have been together for so long.  It still remains unchanged.  Am I being too touchy on these issues?  Or am I fooling myself by making excuses for him, and keeping the relationship going? 
Any advice would be appreciated.  And this is not my normal profile....so please be as honest about this as you want.
Thank you!  (Hope I didn't come across as whiny.)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 1:22:44 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		You said LTR, which 2 years indicates, but you didn't say if it was an in-person relationship or an online-only relationship.  That aspect will have an affect on my answer.


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to dementdsuby)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 1:23:43 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		could you tell us what your ownership consists of? how often do you see each other? how are your sexual and kinky needs met?
You say YOU are not allowed to play with or talk to other dominant men - what are the agreements about his behavoir?

Do you have contact with other kinky people on a regular basis that would not violate your agreement - with other submissive women, or with a munch?

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to dementdsuby)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 1:24:03 PM   
masterforRT


Posts: 176
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline 		As a Dom, it's his decision as to what he posts on his profile and what he doesn't. You have an option as well-you can accept his decision(s) or walk.

As they say: "It's my way or the highway!"

Sorry to be so blunt, but it is what it is....

(in reply to dementdsuby)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 1:32:34 PM   
dementdsuby


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/20/2008
Status: offline 		We see each other at least 3 days a week, sleep-overs on weekends are a must.  At first I pushed for us to join in munches, but he was not very open to the suggestion as I had an ex among the group we would be seeing....so I dropped it.
As to the agreements for him....I asked that if he was going to contact another sub that he at least tell me first, and I would not be expected to play with anyone without prior approval (of course).  Full on play time is not really an option as often as I would like.....but always kinky when we get together.

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 1:33:51 PM   
dementdsuby


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

You said LTR, which 2 years indicates, but you didn't say if it was an in-person relationship or an online-only relationship.  That aspect will have an affect on my answer.


Cali

In-person relationship....thou we do not live together.


(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 1:36:51 PM   
dementdsuby


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/20/2008
Status: offline 		I have no issues with bluntness.....I just want to get an idea of what other Masters think of things.  Thanks for the input.

(in reply to masterforRT)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 1:43:40 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Okay, I have typed and erased about a dozen things.  I'm going to go with this:

It sounds like you're doing all the "work" because he doesn't care.  If you brought up the subject of a collar six times, that's at least five times too many.  Without knowing what his response was, it's easy for me to assume that it's not only not important to him, but it seems like it doesn't matter to him that it's important to YOU.  Same with the piercing.

My vote is that you're fooling yourself.  But only you know the real answer.


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to dementdsuby)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 1:56:57 PM   
E2Sweet


Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline 		I'll agree that the scenario CalifC details is a very good possibility here.

Stepping back a bit the root of the problem seems to be that you're trying to communicate points to him that you feel are important, and he's either not listening, doesn't understand how important what you're trying to say is, or as CalifC said, he just doesn't care about your points.

Perhaps a good question to ask him would be something  along the lines of "Why is is when I try to discuss something important to me, with you, my point seems to be ignored?" I'm thinking that line of questioning may get to the bottom of what it is that is keeping him from really hearing what you are saying...




_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 2:17:36 PM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		The collar is his choice not yours, it is his collar even when it's on your (his) neck. It's his choice if he want's to attend any munches etc, not yours you can suggest it if that is part of what you agreed on with him but once again it's his choice. If you are not happy more on, he is the Dom and doing things his way not yours.

Mike

(in reply to E2Sweet)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 2:18:16 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		what Cali and E said

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to E2Sweet)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 2:18:45 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He just isn't that into you. He gets sex on demand from you when he wants it. He gets to play with others when he wants it. You don't get what you need because you just don't matter that much to him. If you did, he would hear what you say and respond.

Now it could be that he thinks collars are fashion statements only, and that body mods are things people do for themselves, and that it doesn't matter what he puts on his profile because women never write him anyway. That isn't the point. The point here is that he doesn't care enough about you to talk to you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to E2Sweet)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 2:34:28 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		- he is aware of your desire to want a collar after the first time you asked.
- "...agreement for these last 2 years is pretty straight-forward.  I belong to him, I don't talk to other Dom's without permission, no screwing around, etc etc." Chances are he's still operating under this original agreement.
- it is his choice to change or not change his profile to reflect his current relationship status


Thus it seems that either you can respectfully ask to review the original agreement and renegotiate the terms to your D/s relationship with him. It is also possible that he may be considering taking this relationship in a direction and hasn't yet decided to inform you at this point. Doms do listen and notes the opinions of their subs yet it still remains the Dom's choice to either act on the sub's wants or wait until a later time that is more suitable to the Dom.


_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to dementdsuby)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 2:38:48 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Yeah, it sounds like you are primarily running the show and he goes along with it.....when he feels like it.  Which, I realize, is your main complaint.  It sounds like you want a lot more out of the relationship than he does.

I hope this isn't a "How can I get him to.......?" thread in disguise.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 4:57:45 PM   
scottishdove


Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline 		" Or am I fooling myself by making excuses for him, and keeping the relationship going?"

You already know this, which is why you  proposed this.

Heck woman, if you were happy and felt heard and CHERISHED.. you would KNOW it.

It is hard to go out looking again. It is hard to tell youself next time you are going to have higher standards, and ask more out of a relationship, D/s or otherwise.

I know it is hard. Honey, i feel for you.

My separation agreement was just signed a few days ago, because i finally decided i deserved more than i was getting in a relationship. it cost me $25,000 to have a clean break without hassles and animosity, and to feel i did the right thing.

at least you didn't get entangled to the point of living together. you get to walk away without paying a cent.

and you can god-damn bet, next time i won't accept less than what i deserve.

honey.. i wish you the best. good luck out there...

alice

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 5:02:42 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		Wow....a guy afraid of commitment....who would have thought....

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to dementdsuby)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 5:13:52 PM   
dementdsuby


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Wow....a guy afraid of commitment....who would have thought....


I know!  I was shocked as well.....thus my need for positive reinforcement.  Not that I can count on all of it being positive here at CM

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 5:19:17 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dementdsuby

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Wow....a guy afraid of commitment....who would have thought....


I know!  I was shocked as well.....thus my need for positive reinforcement.  Not that I can count on all of it being positive here at CM


Look, we can speculate all day long. It could be just being a guy or a nefarious underhanded plot by one of the many many evil dominants out there.

But, honestly, if you can't say "Look, we've been together 2 years and I don't feel very secure in the fact that you want to be with me and only me from now on. What's the deal?", you might want to question the fabric and strength of the relationship itself.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to dementdsuby)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 5:19:47 PM   
dementdsuby


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes
I hope this isn't a "How can I get him to.......?" thread in disguise.

It is!  How can I get him to.....get of the couch without having to blow him?  sorry about that my sarcasm is showing.

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: In need of some input....(i.e. Help!) - 9/20/2008 5:22:06 PM   
Zechriel


Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline 		Good evening!
I  think I see what you are saying because I had that once also. I put on my profile that I was owned and "friends only", even cancelled another online account b/c I was owned. When I asked him to do the same, he said no, that is was his choice. Exactly what MasterforRT said. Well, that sat for a while but it just was not good enough for me. I needed him to say that he was not looking as well. Evenutally, I left and found Daddy who not only cancelled his online account but totally supports me in a one-on-one realtionship. I guessit is just a matter of who you talk to and what you really really want.
I know that you may be thinking that this is as good as it gets but if you are only partially satisfied...is it really what you want to spend your time on? Sure it may take a while to find another but is this really what makes you happy? Good luck!
Love,
Zechriel 

_____________________________

Sir HighlanderME's little z

(in reply to dementdsuby)
Profile   Post #: 20
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