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MadRabbit -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/20/2008 6:43:59 PM)
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quote:
You're willing to compromise on that ideal companion to some degree in order to increase the odds finding companionship... so you're more to the right of me on the scale I illustrated above. Doing so also increases your general compatibility via flexibility which improves your desirability. What else you might be doing to increase your desirability, and therefore your odds you haven't said and I won't assume. This means you're less likely to get that ideal companion (though its still possible) than I am... but depending on how well I've compensated my desirability in other ways, you may or may not be more likely to find companionship.
Not at all. I am not compromising anything because I never really had an ideal companion to begin with. Your theory is presupposed by the fact that we are searching for Model #754 and anything that falls outside of that is compromise.
I have a very loose set of standards I apply that define the type of person that will make me happy.
a) Someone I consider to be smart and intelligent.
b) Physically attractive to me
c) Takes care of their body
d) Positive attitude
e) Open-minded
f) Some variation of interests we have in common that provide for enriching experiences together.
That's really about it. An ideal? Maybe, but far from anything nuanced and detailed. At best, I would call it merely the criterion for what it takes for me to be attracted to someone and form an emotional connection with. And once I have that emotional connection, the nuances and details can be worked out, because they were never part of my ideal to begin with and the trees aren't worth losing the forest.
I don't consider that to be compromise though, because it makes it sound like I am "giving up" something. I'm not because the little things were never important to me in the first place.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Padriag
You do realize the second and third contradict the first? If you are compromising to suit someone else, then to that extent its their way. This is what most people do... they compromise in relationships so that its partly one person's way, partly the other person's. Since that's the prevalent mode of relationships in the western world, doing so within a D/s relationship will increase the odds of it succeeding or of finding compatability because this is the mode that most people have already been culturally conditioned for.
I don't see how they contradict at all and I certainly hope they don't, because if that's the case, then we are all kidding ourselves about having authority in our relationships. In fact, I find the idea of someone not being influenced by their partner in some way or another to be impossible or at least, highly HIGHLY implausible.
Compromise implies that there is two people who won't agree with each nor will they do what the other wants and therefore they have to find some degree of middle ground to make things work. What I am talking about is being in a position of authority where the decision is yours, considering and willing to be influenced by external sources of information, and thus making your decision based on that.
The fact that is my way is determined by the fact that's it my decision and is not contradicted by the fact that I allow myself to be influenced by the input presented by my girl.
That's kind of like saying you can only be dominant if you don't give a shit at all about the needs/wants/opinions/issues/concerns/problems of your submissive and I don't think that is true. Nor can I honestly call someone a good leader if they aren't influenced by these things or call it a "good decision" for a submissive to get involved with someone who doesn't listen to them at all, because it won't be "their way".
In an attempt to nuance this idea a bit, here's some examples.
- I want my girl to go to the store and get me some milk in the freezing rain. She is sick with the flu. I care for her well being and her health and therefore allow her health condition to influence me into making the decision that she will stay in bed. If that health condition wasn't present, she would be going to the store so thus it had a degree of influence over my decision making.
- We are practicing S/M and I do something that results in an injury. Her pain response and her communication of the injury influences me to make the decision to stop. If those reactions and verbal communications weren't there, I would have kept on playing.
- I want to buy a Civic. I do research on the information and learn that a certain kind of Honda would be a much better choice. This information influences me to change my decision. Without that information, I would have bought the Civic.
- I want my girl to do something for me. Based on what she tells me, I make the decision to not ask her to do it, because I conclude she is not ready. Making her do it would result in me damaging the relationship. Her information influences me to make the decision to put what I want aside for the time being until a better time. Without that information, I would have done what I wanted and severely damaged the relationship.
- I want to go to a rock concert and she wants to go to classical. Based on her input, I realize that this particular classical concert is far more important to her than it is to me. I absoltely hate classical, but the rock concert isn't that important and taking her to it would contribute to the well being and quality of the relationship. The relationship is more important to me so therefore I make the decision to go to the classical concert. Her information influenced this decision.
So in conclusion, my way is determined by me making the decision and not whether or not their influence contributed to it. I can make decisions to do things I don't necessarily want to do and still have it be "my way", because making the decision is what matters and not what the decision is.
And if being willing to be influenced by my submissive in regards to my decisions contradicts and negates my possession of authority in the relationship, then I will be the first one to turn in my Master card. [:D]
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