RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships

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TreasureKY -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 12:29:29 PM)
Fast Reply: Wonderful thread, KoM. I'm sorry I didn't have the opportunity to delve into it sooner. [;)] For those who have questioned the wisdom of seeking out someone who speaks the same language versus learning to speak another's, and those who may wonder why anyone already in a relationship would need to consider the idea of "love languages", I would like to point out that communication styles within a relationship cycle can and do change. Perhaps not so much in how we appreciate love being communicated to us, but in how we communicate our love to others. It isn't necessarily a matter of deliberate change, either... My belief is that it isn't always easy to determine if someone is language compatible at the beginning of a relationship. I'm not implying conscious and deliberate deceit (although that does happen), but in my experience men have a tendency to be much more attentive and solicitous at the start of a new relationship than they are later on once they become "comfortable". For someone like myself who views quality time and words of affirmation as their love language, a gentleman who displays great interest in spending time with me and who is generous in expressing their appreciation for me... well, they are playing my tune. Unfortunately all too often, that attention wains after the relationship settles in and the new "infatuation" wears off, and voila... we're no longer speaking compatible languages. This isn't an uncommon situation. How many people complain that their partners just aren't the same people they fell in love with? How many times have you heard about a woman who stopped being agreeable or a man who stopped bringing flowers? When courting, people naturally put their best foot forward and take care to make all the right moves. A lot of people don't mind the effort but once established in a relationship, they want to settle back into being themselves and enjoying the relationship they worked so hard for. sighs And then they wonder what happened... why isn't it just as good as it started out to be?

SayaNereida -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 12:43:32 PM)
quote: I just open the discussion on the idea of communicating our love in our individual lifestyle relationships. I took the test: %33 physical touch %30 quality time %17 Words of affirmation and acts of service %5 gifts Although we both have said in past relationship that we didn’t find ourselves being ‘touchy feely’ people, together, with each other, we are. We kiss (quick pecks) and hug often throughout the day. We hold hands while driving, sitting at our computers, walking or shopping; any time we can. We’ve give each other massage at the end of a physically or emotionally demanding day. Spending time most often (after work, home projects and kids) is shopping just the 2 of us, watching a movie, eating a meal/snack together, and sometimes its sitting on the porch (swinging and talking). For me, his ‘acts of service’ is showing appreciation for the work I do in the house by maintaining it and taking care of the things I cannot. Gifts are simple things most of the time; a flower he saw on the way home (often in our garden LOL), a special snack or food (chocolate usually for both of us), or telling me that he will take care of the kids while I go take a nice loooong bath. For him, gifts are meals he likes, getting his special coffee and making it, or giving him unwind time with his 360 for a few hours. I have ordered food and sent it to work as a surprise and once sent balloons (with food). We text often throughout the day, mostly to say ‘love you’ or ‘thinking of u’. We leave notes or handmade (okay computer generated) cards. We look at each other when we are talking. We do special things for each other, for example, on a cold night when he is coming home, I’ll draw him a warm bath and throw his robe in the dryer. And the best moments, to me, we spend every day, is snuggling and talking quietly before sleep. Love isn’t measure in one big action or word(s), it’s in the little things done every day. Saya

catize -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 1:22:45 PM)
quote: My belief is that it isn't always easy to determine if someone is language compatible at the beginning of a relationship. I'm not implying conscious and deliberate deceit (although that does happen), I think also that in the beginning of a relationship we find it difficult to express to a new partner that what they have offered in their love language isn’t exactly what we were hoping for. But we are pleased that he/she made the effort, we don’t want to seem ungrateful so we don’t admit to them “Hey, the flowers were nice, but I’d like (xxx) better.” Ten yeas later we are still getting flowers and by this time it pisses us off, which confuses the hell out of our partner. quote: sighs And then they wonder what happened... why isn't it just as good as it started out to be? We often talk about putting effort into a relationship, but that makes it seem like the four letter word “w-o-r-k”. Maybe a better word would be that we need to put thoughtfulness into the relationship to sustain it.

catize -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 1:48:31 PM)
This is one of those times that make me realize why I love coming here to the boards. “My way or the highway” has always sounded a negative bell for me, but your post made me tilt my head and go “hmmmm”. Thanks for that!

FlamingRedhead -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 2:07:34 PM)
Words of Affirmation: 23% Quality Time: 23% Receiving Gifts: 17% Acts of Service: 13% Physical Touch: 23% This tells me pretty much what everyone who knows me already knows. I'm a total attention whore! lol

Icarys -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 7:14:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 quote: ORIGINAL: TheMadBunny And if being willing to be influenced by my submissive in regards to my decisions contradicts and negates my possession of authority in the relationship, then I will be the first one to turn in my Master card. Yeah, I'm with you on that one. "MY" way includes her way. It's as simple as that. If that makes me a wishy washy Master, no worries there, I'm pretty ok with being "That guy who's woman obeys him and who has a deliriously happy marriage." From a "marketing" standpoint, I have to observe that for every sub out there who wants a badass dom, there appears to be another who wants a caring, loving relationship so if the target audience is any guide (and what the hell else would be a guide?) then apparently it IS domly to care about your sub and to recognize her value as a life partner, not simply a slave. What I find most interesting about the "my way or the highway" thought pattern is that these people have, apparently, not given much thought to why, exactly, a smart, competent, and capable submissive would be following them. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that smart, competent, and capable people (which is who I want as a partner for the rest of my life), make choices that enhance their own lives. That implies that somehow, this person who is smart, must be convinced that following my lead is better for them than not. If I have failed to incorporate their needs, wants, desires, and dreams into my lead, then I'm not really sure how I could really make that claim. I do things my way because I enjoy it and what I'm looking for is someone who is "looking in the same direction I am"(taken off of Darcyandthe.dark's tag line I believe :> There are females who enjoy what you seem to look down on. I won't mold myself to someone Else's idea of what I should be whether it's the female or another Dominant. Yet I don't disregard her input either. It's not a bad thing to learn your partner as best you can but it's also a better idea I think to pick those partners that best suit you. If you want to grab the first female you can and try to "broaden" your horizons..go to it. I'll stick to what I know works for me. If I'm suspect for it, I'll be glad to turn in My Dominants Members Only Card.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 7:58:39 PM)
Icarys, quote: I won't mold myself to someone Else's idea of what I should be whether it's the female or another Dominant. Yet I don't disregard her input either. The only one claiming some of us "mold" ourselves to please a partner is you. You then go on to add another little dig by writing: quote: If you want to grab the first female you can and try to "broaden" your horizons..go to it. Actually, most of those advocating the position you are so fervently trying to put down didn't grab their women, they attracted an amazing woman by being the sort who who don't need to put others down to feel big. I know some of these people personally, others through friends, and frankly the women they have in their lives are the sort small men will spend a lifetime envying and yet never knowing.

Icarys -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 8:09:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Icarys, quote: I won't mold myself to someone Else's idea of what I should be whether it's the female or another Dominant. Yet I don't disregard her input either. The only one claiming some of us "mold" ourselves to please a partner is you. You then go on to add another little dig by writing: quote: If you want to grab the first female you can and try to "broaden" your horizons..go to it. Actually, most of those advocating the position you are so fervently trying to put down didn't grab their women, they attracted an amazing woman by being the sort who who don't need to put others down to feel big. I know some of these people personally, others through friends, and frankly the women they have in their lives are the sort small men will spend a lifetime envying and yet never knowing. That wouldn't be me then because I've had some great ones myself. I'm sure I'll find another one?(maybe I'll never know) I could just be envious of having such a nice one as you do though.

MadRabbit -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 8:27:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys I do things my way because I enjoy it and what I'm looking for is someone who is "looking in the same direction I am"(taken off of Darcyandthe.dark's tag line I believe :> And when you meet that person, let's hope that neither of you grow or change or mature in any kind of way. quote: There are females who enjoy what you seem to look down on. I won't mold myself to someone Else's idea of what I should be whether it's the female or another Dominant. Yet I don't disregard her input either. So you only disregard the input that get's perceived as "being molded" by your ego? See...when I read something like this (especially when it bares no resemblence to anything that has been said), it comes off to me as an insecurity or more specifically a fear. Nobody's talked about being molded by our partner. People have talked about growing with their partners. This seems to be something that your fixated on and afraid of and projecting into the discussion. An insecurity with your own dominance. But that's just how I see it. quote: It's not a bad thing to learn your partner as best you can but it's also a better idea I think to pick those partners that best suit you. If you want to grab the first female you can and try to "broaden" your horizons..go to it. I'll stick to what I know works for me. Nobody is talking about "just grabbing any female". People are talking about the pragmatic reality that no matter who you find, there is going to be some difficulties and differences your going to have to reconcile with. It's really just a fact. And what's wrong with broadening your horizons? Wow, god forbid I allow a partner to come into my life with a whole set of different interests and hobbies, then gasp attempt to be open to new things. God forbid, that I allow my mighty might dominance and superior way of doing things to be gasp surpassed in an attempt to develop myself in new unique ways. God forbid, I gasp allow myself to go to a classical music concert when it isn't exactly my thing and gasp attempt to be open to a new experience.

Icarys -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 8:31:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys I do things my way because I enjoy it and what I'm looking for is someone who is "looking in the same direction I am"(taken off of Darcyandthe.dark's tag line I believe :> And when you meet that person, let's hope that neither of you grow or change or mature in any kind of way. quote: There are females who enjoy what you seem to look down on. I won't mold myself to someone Else's idea of what I should be whether it's the female or another Dominant. Yet I don't disregard her input either. So you only disregard the input that get's perceived as "being molded" by your ego? See...when I read something like this (especially when it bares no resemblence to anything that has been said), it comes off to me as an insecurity or more specifically a fear. Nobody's talked about being molded by our partner. People have talked about growing with their partners. This seems to be something that your fixated on and afraid of and projecting into the discussion. An insecurity with your own dominance. But that's just how I see it. quote: It's not a bad thing to learn your partner as best you can but it's also a better idea I think to pick those partners that best suit you. If you want to grab the first female you can and try to "broaden" your horizons..go to it. I'll stick to what I know works for me. Nobody is talking about "just grabbing any female". People are talking about the pragmatic reality that no matter who you find, there is going to be some difficulties and differences your going to have to reconcile with. It's really just a fact. And what's wrong with broadening your horizons? Wow, god forbid I allow a partner to come into my life with a whole set of different interests and hobbies, then gasp attempt to be open to new things. God forbid, that I allow my mighty might dominance and superior way of doing things to be gasp surpassed in an attempt to develop myself in new unique ways. God forbid, I gasp allow myself to go to a classical music concert when it isn't exactly my thing and gasp attempt to be open to a new experience. I guess I'm not a member anymore lol. Here's my card.[:D] See how it feels when you use inflammatory statements.[;)]

MadRabbit -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 8:33:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys I guess I'm not a member anymore lol. Here's my card.[:D] Hey, if you think what your talking about here is a valid way of doing things, then defend your own opinions. Don't back out just because someone challenged some of your digs. quote: See how it feels when you use inflammatory statements.[;)] What inflammatory statements did I use and how exactly am I feeling right now?

Icarys -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 8:34:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys I guess I'm not a member anymore lol. Here's my card.[:D] Hey, if you think what your talking about here is a valid way of doing things, then defend your own opinions. Don't back out just because someone challenged some of your digs. Hopefully you'll catch on in a second.

MadRabbit -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 8:36:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys Hopefully you'll catch on in a second. Icarys, this is called a discussion where we discuss and debate things. I'm not here to nurse or cater to your small ego.

Icarys -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 8:39:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys Hopefully you'll catch on in a second. Icarys, this is called a discussion where we discuss and debate things. I'm not here to nurse or cater to your small ego. As apposed to your much larger ego?

MadRabbit -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 8:39:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys As apposed to your much larger ego? As opposed to you not acting like a child everytime somebody disagrees with what you say.

Icarys -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 8:42:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys As apposed to your much larger ego? As opposed to you not acting like a child everytime somebody disagrees with what you say. Don't have a problem when someone disagrees but when they do the same things that they point out is bad in others it kinda loses any merit in my mind.

marieToo -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 8:43:37 PM)
You two should just compare dick measurements and get this over with.

Icarys -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 8:44:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo You two should just compare dick measurements and get this over with. I was wondering when someone else would see an op to pipe in. I'm rarely disappointed lol.

MadRabbit -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 8:58:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys Don't have a problem when someone disagrees but when they do the same things that they point out is bad in others it kinda loses any merit in my mind. No, we aren't doing the same things at all and since this is what I consider to be an important discussion that presents information people might use for their own theories of relationships, let me explain why. I'm a thinker. A scientist. My brain doesn't deal solely with simple ideas, but rather I work by building entire systems of ideas that all work in sync with one another. If there is a hole in my logic or if my approach doesn't take into account something, I am going to deal with it. Your presenting your own methodolgy of how you work as a dominant that you are asserting to be a "right" and valid way of doing things, but unfortanely when I look at it and think it through, there is a number of holes in it. You claim that the success of relationship should be based off finding a compatible partner that doesn't require you to change. I agree to a degree, but unfortanely if that relationship is going to have longevity, the fact that people grow and change has to be addressed. So obviously if during the relationship we will have to work towards closing the gap that occurs by that change and growth, why isn't change and growth to make a relationship work okay? If we take a look at this at solely on a principle of probability, finding a partner who doesn't require you to change or work past differences AT ALL has chances in a range that are completely unrealistic. You say that you are willing to take input and willing to change to some degree, but aren't willing to "mold yourself to another person's ideals" like we are doing. You don't seem to have any specific criterion as to what change is acceptable and what change quantifies as being the negative of "conforming to another person's ideals" so this statement doesn't seem to be based on logic but rather on ego. Your okay with changing just as long as that change doesn't insult your own dominance.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/21/2008 9:10:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo You two should just compare dick measurements and get this over with. We did, why do you think he is so pissed?

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