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Padriag -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/20/2008 5:58:50 AM)
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ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
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ORIGINAL: Padriag
And yes, I am presently single, but that has a lot more to do with a choice to focus on my businesses until they're running more smoothly, rather than trying to develop a relationship at a difficult point in my life which just increases the odds it will fail.
Well, with me, your creditibility isn't in question. I assure you of that. [image]http://www.collarchat.com/image/s2.gif[/image]
Well not with you maybe... I'm sure it would be with others, which is to be expected.
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That's cool. It is very much my way with women I have been with, because I am the one who makes the decisions. So it is always my way.
But my way isn't completely static nor inflexible. It has and will continue to change based on the individuality of the girl I am with, because for it not to change and not to mold to some degree or another would be basically trying to jab a square peg in a round hole over and over again.
I'm very much influenced and effected by the limits, needs, wants, moods, opinions, issues, struggles, dilemnas, and concerns of the person I am with.
I highlighted three statements. You do realize the second and third contradict the first? If you are compromising to suit someone else, then to that extent its their way. This is what most people do... they compromise in relationships so that its partly one person's way, partly the other person's. Since that's the prevalent mode of relationships in the western world, doing so within a D/s relationship will increase the odds of it succeeding or of finding compatability because this is the mode that most people have already been culturally conditioned for.
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Now this often gets labeled as "weak Dominance", but I consider it to be strong leadership.
I don't view it as either... I view it as a personal choice in style. Its one you made for your own personal reasons because you feel it is what is most likely to work best for you. Its not mine nor anyone else's place to question or ridicule that, unless you invite such examination first. Someone who does so anyway is showing their own insecurity.
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Compatibility for me isn't a bullseye a girl either hits or doesn't hit, but basically the entire target board. There is some room for inaccurate hits and we can keeping going, but if they start sailing way past the board, the game is going to be over eventually.
Do you consider this to be similar or different to how you approach relationships?
To continue your metaphor... I'm using a much smaller target board. Naturally that means fewer girls will be able to "hit" it, but those that do will be more of what I really want.
Let's discuss that last point a bit more, specifically that last phrase, "more of what I really want." We all have an ideal of what we want, that mental concept of an ideal submissive / slave / dominant / owner / etc. We could debate how realistic those concepts but that isn't really the point. The point is, we all have an ideal of what we want. Competing against that is the desire for companionship. The result is, each of us makes a choice about where and how much we are willing to compromise each... where it is between the two we strike a balance. If we thought of it as a scale like so...
Ideal companion .............. | ................. Companionship
We each find our "happy medium" somewhere in between the two... some might lean more towards that ideal companion... others more towards companionship. More of one necessarily means giving up more of the other. In other words... if you compromise more on that ideal companion you will gain a greater likelihood of companionship (via increased compatibility). If you give up more of the likelihood of companionship, you are more likely to get that ideal companion (i.e. holding out for just what you want). And any combination of choices in between. None of them are objectively right or wrong... its all a very personal and therefore very subjective choice. We each decide what works for us and no one else has a right to gainsay that (though many do anyway).
I said before, however, that I'm cheating at the odds. Like most things in life its not as simple as a polar scale, there are other variables. One of those is desirability which can offset being demanding. In other words... being demanding and unwilling to compromise much on what we want makes us less desirable, and if not offset by something else, this reduces the likelihood of finding companionship. However, if we make ourselves more desirable in other ways, for example, by offering other appealing aspects... we raise the likelihood of finding companionship... without compromising that ideal companion, or at least not compromising it as much. We can increase our desirability in various way... improving our appearance (working out, getting buff, etc.; dressing to impress), improving our personal appeal (charisma, flexability, learning to express ourselves in someone elses "love language", or respond to theirs, etc.), and improving other aspects that make us more desirable. What exactly these aspects are often get debated, and part of the problem is that different things appeal to different people to different degrees... which makes it rather complicated. We can narrow it down a bit... most women are more likely to desire certain things than most men... and vice versa (i.e. appearance generally matters more to men than to women, personality often matters more to women than to men, etc.). Submissives are more likely to find certain things appealing than dominants, and vice versa (i.e. the obvious that submissives find someone who is controlling appealing, whereas a dominant would react negatively to such). The better we are at identifying what potential companions like and adopting some or all of that, the more we increase our odds of finding companionship. The better we identify what our ideal companion will be attracted too, the more we increase our odds of finding that ideal companion. Its all relative.
So... I'm being a demanding prick these days... but I'm also working to increase my desirability in various ways in order to "cheat" the odds. Net result is that I'm holding out for something pretty close to my ideal, while carefully considering what my ideal companion might be attracted too and what of that I'm willing to adopt. I'm not willing to compromise what I want, but I am willing to change other aspects of my lifestyle to increase my odds of finding that companion; meaning that things will have to be my way and she'll have to accept my "love language", etc., but I am working to improve other aspects such as my appearance, financial stability, emotional stability, etc. because I perceive these things to be likely to be appealing to my ideal companion. Which just leaves the question of how accurate my perceptions are... and that is debateable. [image]http://www.collarchat.com/image/s4.gif[/image]
From what you describe it sounds like you're doing something like this...
You're willing to compromise on that ideal companion to some degree in order to increase the odds finding companionship... so you're more to the right of me on the scale I illustrated above. Doing so also increases your general compatibility via flexibility which improves your desirability. What else you might be doing to increase your desirability, and therefore your odds you haven't said and I won't assume. This means you're less likely to get that ideal companion (though its still possible) than I am... but depending on how well I've compensated my desirability in other ways, you may or may not be more likely to find companionship.
However... in the end its all still a crap shoot and we're all playing the odds. That's life. Its not about right or wrong, its just about what works for each of us. When I was younger I was much more willing to give up or compromise on my ideal companion in order to gain companionship... the older I get, the less I've been willing to do so, and at this point I'm not willing to compromise that much at all. I've also noted that the nature of that ideal companion has changed, but that has been due to internal changes rather than as a response to the women in my life. But that's just being human... we're such funny creatures ya know.
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