RE: why cant people find each other

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leadership527 -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 11:06:04 AM)
quote: Davan said: Leadership, hmmmmm, perhaps we are talking about different things. I mean magic, true magic between people. Rare connection. While I agree that there are a lot of potential fits for folks out there, I think the number with which there is true magic is lesser. This might be the dominant in me coming out, but the only magic I believe in is that which I make, or in the case of my marriage, that which myself and my partner make. For me, there is no diety out there somewhere dispensing good relationships to the lucky. In brass tacks and without the flowery language, what I believe is that at best, two humans who meet are barely compatible. After this comes the true test and that has more to do with the priorities of the two people than any kind of compatibility. Carol and I both prioritize being compatible within our relationship as more important than anything else. Hence, we have grown more compatible and stay that way over time. This is why I say that I would, if required, happily drop the whole D/s thing -- it's not as important to me as our compatibility as a couple is. Heck, even the way that we became M/s was a delicate dance of compatiblity and giving between the two of us For me, at least, THAT is the "true magic". That someone else would say of me, "My relationship with him is more important to me than almost anything else" and I would say the same in reverse. That is how closeness is achieved and maintained over time. And all this from a guy who asserts that he loved carol at first sight. The only thing I think I'd have a hard time finding in the future should carol die would be someone with adequate relationship skills to play the game along with me. I could be pretty flexible on pretty much everything else. The reason that I am bothering to make this point more forcefully is that, at least to me, this is the most empowering thing of all. I am NOT dependent on some cold and uncaring universe to hand me "the one". I will find "the one" when I am able and willing to.

mc1234 -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 11:54:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 The reason that I am bothering to make this point more forcefully is that, at least to me, this is the most empowering thing of all. I am NOT dependent on some cold and uncaring universe to hand me "the one". I will find "the one" when I am able and willing to. I like the way you put this - it's being responsible for yourself and your happiness, not waiting for fate to give it to you. And it's also about being willing to make the compromises and decisions necessary to make a relationship work - not just clicking 'next' without discovering the possibilities, thinking the 'one' is out there somewhere and somehow it will be an easy road once he/she is found. I've never subscribed to the notion that there is only one match for me out there - a daunting prospect to find one person in millions! lol

lally3 -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 12:05:02 PM)
i totally agree with everyone, one way or another (how boring of me) but its all of those things. because there is this plethora of available people some keep their options open and never do notice what they already have, and ive been guilty of that myself. i think that when communities were smaller and choice was limited matches were made more easily. having the internet brings you enormous choice and yet, we still look geographically we are still limited by chemistry and we do have predilictions - arguably the choice is not that much wider really. and yes, i realise this is a dating site, but, like i said there are really nice people from all over the place on here and on lots of other sites who have been looking for a time now. i did love the excerpt from some older guys 'want' list (btw, can women lactate if theyre not pregnant/post natal???) - ive been there. with a guy i really liked but he was over weight and in his sixties and he told me that 'once i lost a couple more pounds id be really sexy' - i remember thinking 'pot. kettle. black'!!!!!!' what ive come across is a level of role play dominance that is ultimately unsustainable and im guessing the same happens with submissives too. fantasy is fun but the reality doesnt always play out the same. add to that the fact that Dominance is a role for some rather than a personality trait and the sustainability of fantasy fuelled fun starts to get stretched. but thats just one other reason amongst many.

JustDarkness -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 12:08:10 PM)
I gave up looking a long time ago. I am more the "meet" person.

WannaSPOON -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 12:13:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus ~~adding to Leadership's post.... And how often do we think we have found someone, but the other person does not feel the same way? Far too often, if you're me! [&:] I've noticed that same thing with a lot of the girls I get involved with. I don't know if I should feel good for being that awesome or feel like crap because I've had to disappoint so many. I agree with the both of you, mc and leader. That is one of the lessons I took away from my Existentialism class. We did a section on Sartre and, to paraphrase a lot of writing, the thing I garnered was that we interpret what we want to find in a "sign." (man I with this German word worked in English) Because of that, there is no point on waiting for the "right sign". Just go out and make YOURSELF happy, find what or whom you can and make some magic.

colouredin -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 12:14:47 PM)
Im guilty of only reading the OP sorry, im sure all has been said, but my feeling is that finding someone worth being with is bloody difficult, there are plenty of people with the same interests as me "books, films, music; these are the things tha matter, call me shallow its the truth" you know it took me years to realise that line is sarcastic, i have met lots of people i can tolerate, like even in small doses but finding someone that I actually want to stay with, give everything to etc yeah thats not so easy. I was always told I was way way to picky, no long relationships etc, in fact my current one is the longest since I was sixteen, and the wait for it was totally worth it, I sit there and watch friends and relatives settle because its better to do that than be single, and it breaks my heart "I understand why women stay with men when they have nothing, what I dont understand is why women think they have nothing"

lally3 -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 12:19:50 PM)
'The One' is probably the single most annoying phrase to have been coined. as a 'belief' it has probably been responsible for more wasted years and missed opportunities than any other red herring people throw themselves. potentially there are dozens of Ones out there for all of us - it is a self-limiting and off putting phrase people should ditch immediately!! disclaimer: for those who have found their One - this doesnt apply to you [:)]

Aslanemperor -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 12:23:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 'The One' is probably the single most annoying phrase to have been coined. as a 'belief' it has probably been responsible for more wasted years and missed opportunities than any other red herring people throw themselves. potentially there are dozens of Ones out there for all of us - it is a self-limiting and off putting phrase people should ditch immediately!! disclaimer: for those who have found their One - this doesnt apply to you [:)] I see your point, but I must also respectfully disagree. I believe that the search for the one is a very good practice. Here's why: When you search for one person who is just right for you, it gives you a determination to not settle for less then what you need, and it also gives you hope that the right person will be even better then the person you thought was so wonderful. But that's just my opinion.

xXLithiumXx -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 12:24:05 PM)
You can get various opinions all day long as to what it takes to find some one, but the fact is, its like an easter egg hunt. The harder you look, the less likely you are to see the bright red egg right in front of your face. I thought I found what I wanted in my husband, but the long and short of it is, Im not what he wanted. As we grow as people, as we change and learn ourselves, we find that our needs as people change. Our emotional needs, our physical desires, our mental needs, shift and do not always align with what we once were. I love my husband, and he may love me, but as people we have shifted. Does that mean that we are seeking others? Maybe, to some degree, but on what level that remains to be seen. I am of the mind set that if I am changing and he is changing as well, then the chance to find what I seek with in him is greater than finding what I seek in some one else. Plus, I have the added comfort of familiarity. Knowing his smile, his body, his thoughts, his heart. As to why others cant seem to get together, I dont know. I wish I did. Maybe they are waiting for that perfect moment in their lives, where the music plays and the leaves blow across their feet....where romance falls from the sky and the British Narrator tells them how long they have been looking and that they will live happily ever after. I find that unlikely, but, what do I know? Im a hopeless romantic in a relationship where romance is a foriegn language.

colouredin -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 12:24:05 PM)
I agree with you Aslan, its far better than the idea of settling for mr right for now, why cant people just be alone?

Aslanemperor -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 12:28:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 hi, ive been wondering this for a while - i was browsing through the many people seeking partners on fet life, alt. bondage, here - so many people looking for people. interests arent that far apart, distance may have a bearing, compatibility of course, sexual attraction is important too. but why is it that so many people are looking and still looking when there are so many people out there looking for more or less the same thing. on the whole we are all regular folk, with regular lives, looking for someone to connect with. so why, when there are so many singles in this lifestyle, that so few seem to find what they are looking for. whats wrong with us? seriously - i just dont understand it. This isn't an easy question to answer as it has tons of answers which differ from person to person. Some people are so stuck up that they won't even look at the guy who just might be Mr. Right and absolutely perfect for them because of some minor detail that doesn't matter. For some, as I mentioned in my last post, they are looking for specific things and not everyone lives up to that. Some people only just started looking and don't want to just be attatched overnight. Some people have been hurt so many times that they are wary and need time to find out more. At times, I believe the idea of taking so long to find someone is rediculous, but the funny thing is that most people don't like to move fast. They like to crawl along at a snail's pace, or at least no more then a steady walk. I tend to be the type to move faster and funny enough, this bars me from a lot of girls who consider me as one who moves to fast. I hope this answers a little bit.

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 12:29:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: colouredin I agree with you Aslan, its far better than the idea of settling for mr right for now, why cant people just be alone? I actually worry that I've become too content being alone, though I'm never really alone, at least not until my um grows up a bit more and moves out. Still, from a relationship aspect, I enjoy my own company and worry that I'm a little too reclusive. I like my life simple, and relationships tend to complicate things.

colouredin -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 12:32:47 PM)
I have found Winsome that it can be hard after having a lot of independance incorperating someone else into your life My current partner came out of a two year relationship just before we got togeter so he new the ropes, as ive said I am pretty much always alone, so it was hard getting used to having someone else to think about (ironic as i identify as sub)

lally3 -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 12:41:29 PM)
its not about settling, i absolutely agree that settling is a total no no. ultimately dishonest to the one youve settled with and eventually destructive. but 'The One' philosophy presents a high criterion that many people would feel uncomfortable being measured by. 'The One' suggests perfection and noones perfect and i personally would never assume to be anyones 'One' until the relationship was cemented - and that takes a process of chemistry, matched lives, aspirations and shared goals. Noone can be anyone's One until that process has been negotiated. with that premis, then we are all looking for 'The One', just we dont put it into words. i would hazard that few people genuinely seeking a relationship are out to settle -

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 12:44:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: colouredin I have found Winsome that it can be hard after having a lot of independance incorperating someone else into your life My current partner came out of a two year relationship just before we got togeter so he new the ropes, as ive said I am pretty much always alone, so it was hard getting used to having someone else to think about (ironic as i identify as sub) That is why my fuck buddy works so well for me, right now. He takes me out to dinner, we laugh and have fun, come home and have sex, cuddle for a bit then shower together and then he goes home. But, as much as I love my FB, it is very easy to become complacent and content with being independent and uncomplicated. I wonder if it all just subtly infects me with a slight ambiguous attitude toward the whole "searching" for someone part of the equation. I want someone special....but I'm not really investing much energy into finding anyone special. I'm such a slug (sighs.)

IronBear -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 1:21:44 PM)
I have my list of baseline requirements in what I want in a slave (especially one who will later wear my personal collar). There is no such beast as the ideal person for being human, there will be flaws. However once past the baseline requirements (including breathing, over 18 and not so ugly as to cause a war [8\|]), I have a secondary list which is a cross between a wishlist and the list of absolute ideals I would like (this gets revised as I change track slightly as I see fit). Admitedly, I lean towards exotics and the theory of having the proverbial hareen of exotic slaves, however regular reality checks ensure tht this is just an exquisit and delectable fantacy with no bearing in reality. Assuming I am talking to a lad who fits ny baseline requirements, each additional aspect of her which is also on my wishlist is nothing more than a delightful bonus and nothing more. I certainly wouldn't hold out for a girl (probably mythical) who brings the full wishlist to the table. The point is that I am neither greedy nor am I vain enough to expect an ideal woman will simply appear before me at the snap of my fingers. Nay by being selective and having a well defined and practical baselibe requirement list, I will find a lady who is compattable in the essential areas and on whom I can train and build the BDSM relationship of the dynamic on. Three "hunting" techniques I have learned are: The more fervently and harder you hunt; the less llikely to find the game. Stop hunting/searching/looking and enjoy life. Suitable folk will roll along faster than you think from the most unlikely places (they have often been there right under your nose all along). Have a well defined list of what you want but keep it realistic and simple. Do not deviate from the list lest failure and dissapointment shall surely follow. You know what will make you happy and wht you can work/live with. Let no other person dictate your happiness. Be patient! The more restrictive your requirements the longer the wait unless you live in an area with huge kink population. For example Gorean Masters know from the onset, that they will wait longer than other BDSMers because they seek slave only, slaves must be service oriented. This logically narrows down the field considerably..

leadership527 -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 1:35:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear Have a well defined list of what you want but keep it realistic and simple. Do not deviate from the list lest failure and dissapointment shall surely follow. You know what will make you happy and wht you can work/live with. Let no other person dictate your happiness. On one hand, I have a hard time faulting this advice. On the other hand, I am struck by thinking that had I had such a list (which I'm sure I did at least in my head somewhere), then carol would've utterly failed across the boards. I think I can safely say that she was nothing that I was looking for. In fact, I wasn't even looking. Maybe the best advice is to have a firm idea about what you want, but to not be so stuck in a theoretical list that you pass by an actual human in front of you.

moonvine -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 1:42:07 PM)
I was approved. I do know of one couple (non-kinky, as far as I know, I know her from a financial message board) who met and married through EHarmony. Even though I got approved for EHarmony, no one has ever written me there, ever, so it didn't do much good in my case to get approved.

AquaticSub -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 1:43:39 PM)
Valyraen, after finding out that I was rejected, applied for shits and giggles. They took the sadist and rejected the nice, friendly masochist! [:-]

moonvine -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 1:44:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 i did love the excerpt from some older guys 'want' list (btw, can women lactate if theyre not pregnant/post natal???) Yes, they can, there are a whole bunch of threads on it. I actually had a partner with whom I did this accidentally and neither of us knew it was possible...we were both young and convinced something was wrong with me...

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