RE: why cant people find each other (Full Version)

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moonvine -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 1:47:24 PM)

Me too..I'm such an introvert, I'm practically a hermit.  Right now I am unemployed, and so I do not see people daily and seek more human interaction...but when I'm working 40 hours a week I get all of the being around people I want from that and when I get home all I want is to be alone.  



moonvine -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 1:57:39 PM)

quote:

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xXLithiumXx

You can get various opinions all day long as to what it takes to find some one, but the fact is, its like an easter egg hunt. The harder you look, the less likely you are to see the bright red egg right in front of your face.




I have to disagree.  I didn't look for years and it got me years older and still by myself.  I started looking again and found potential suitable partners.  So at least for me, looking gets me further than not looking.



apiercedkitty -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 2:04:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

That is why my fuck buddy works so well for me, right now.  He takes me out to dinner, we laugh and have fun, come home and have sex, cuddle for a bit then shower together and then he goes home.  But, as much as I love my FB, it is very easy to become complacent and content with being independent and uncomplicated.  I wonder if it all just subtly infects me with a slight ambiguous attitude toward the whole "searching" for someone part of the equation.  I want someone special....but I'm not really investing much energy into finding anyone special.  I'm such a slug (sighs.)


Ok, it's scary how much this sounds like me - could almost be me without the showering bit and the fact that i go to His place... i've often wondered the same thing about if i've started to be too comfortable being alone. Then i spend a weekend not working with the um's away and i realize it would be nice to have someone to spend those times with so i haven't lost all hope. Having them at home has been a bit of a deterrent in the seeking. So, i just decided i'd give up actively seeking until they're a lil more independent. And, if by chance my "One" (yup, i use that term because when i end up with the right guy, He will be the One for me) comes along, i will hopefully be open-minded enough to realize it.



DavanKael -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 2:10:19 PM)

Leadership Said:  This might be the dominant in me coming out, but the only magic I believe in is that which I make, or in the case of my marriage, that which myself and my partner make.  For me, there is no diety out there somewhere dispensing good relationships to the lucky. 
In brass tacks and without the flowery language, what I believe is that at best, two humans who meet are barely compatible.  After this comes the true test and that has more to do with the priorities of the two people than any kind of compatibility.  Carol and I both prioritize being compatible within our relationship as more important than anything else.  Hence, we have grown more compatible and stay that way over time.  This is why I say that I would, if required, happily drop the whole D/s thing -- it's not as important to me as our compatibility as a couple is.  Heck, even the way that we became M/s was a delicate dance of compatiblity and giving between the two of us  For me, at least, THAT is the "true magic".  That someone else would say of me, "My relationship with him is more important to me than almost anything else" and I would say the same in reverse.  That is how closeness is achieved and maintained over time.
And all this from a guy who asserts that he loved carol at first sight.
The only thing I think I'd have a hard time finding in the future should carol die would be someone with adequate relationship skills to play the game along with me.  I could be pretty flexible on pretty much everything else.
The reason that I am bothering to make this point more forcefully is that, at least to me, this is the most empowering thing of all.  I am NOT dependent on some cold and uncaring universe to hand me "the one".  I will find "the one" when I am able and willing to

My reply:  I don't believe in a magic-dispensing deity.  I also have never experienced 'love at first sight' nor do I place personal stock in 'falling in love'; I grow to love people.  Your "magic" and my "magic" are 2 different things entirely. And, I am absolutely sure there isn't only 'one' (Despite the immortal assertion of Connor MacLeod in 'Highlander' of "there can be only one", lol!).  Initial magic doesn't preclude a fabulous relationship can grow; one of the people I love most in the world irked me and I him when first we met.  My magic is more the recognition of someone who feels "right", one of my own; as if they are meant to be in my life and, if they feel the same, mine, etc. 
Davan



lally3 -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 2:14:49 PM)

i do - on my own - extremely well, far too well.  but its just a state of mind.  someone will come along and tip you out of your safe little place one day and youll be just fine.

ive found a great compromise in a disciplinarian D type who isnt my One and im not his, but what we need out of what we have, gets met and i still get to occupy my space the rest of the time.

its all about changing priorities i think, maybe.  when Sir lets me go im going to push aside the 'relationship' stuff and just meet up with like minded folk for some like minded fun and if a relationshp builds from that then cool.  but im done wasting time waiting for someone who ticks all of my boxes.  truth is, none of the relationships ive had ticked all of my boxes, but we had a pretty good go at having some pretty great times (bar a couple of jerks that is).  holding out just isnt the way to go for me anymore.  its boring and frustrating.



Barelily -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 2:59:51 PM)

I agree with just about all the points brought up so far.
We do have a few more hurdles to get over then the vanilla world does, BDSM has a lot wider range of dynamics then the vanilla lifestyle. Yes I have the right to say that I had a vanilla marriage for 10 years (this included having a female lover) it still came no where close to the range of BDSM. Now I date in that world, it's easy and quite frankly, it's dull and I go home and come here where I can talk to people who excite my mind.
We shouldn't think there is anything wrong with us. I'm still not sure I like words like "kink, fetish or perversion" being applied to what we like, when you consider that most people fantasize all the time about the very things we do, they just don't admit it.
We should be flexible with our standards, but need to have some that are not.
We shouldn't be looking for that instant connection or magic, most times those things grow as you get to know each other. We should never expect sparks on the first meeting, theres too many variables involved and we may miss out on something that could have been good if we had just spent a little time together relaxing.

Alot of people need to wake up and realize, as I saw someone say once "You can't ask for a Barbie if you are not Ken" and vice versa. I personally never liked Ken, he's a sissy and too clean cut. Most of us just want someone that pleases our eyes, we aren't looking for perfect. Those that are..will likely still be here 10 years from now... looking.
I like normal, average looking people with flaws, character and some edge.
When I look at a pic in a profile the first things I ask myself are.."Is this someone I'd like to look at everyday?, Is this a face with strength?". If theres no pic, I can't do that. But the deciding factor for me really is personality. "Do they stimulate my trust and need to submit completely, do they stimulate my need to explore and push limits?", my hard limits aren't really limits, their just waiting for the right person.

I'm not asking for Mr Perfect and I will eventually get what I need, but I'm in no hurry and until then I'll just continue doing what I'm doing, getting to know people.


Disclaimer: This post was made in response to the post made by lally3 and is based on my opinion and experiences only.



IronBear -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 3:34:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Have a well defined list of what you want but keep it realistic and simple. Do not deviate from the list lest failure and dissapointment shall surely follow. You know what will make you happy and wht you can work/live with. Let no other person dictate your happiness.
On one hand, I have a hard time faulting this advice.  On the other hand, I am struck by thinking that had I had such a list (which I'm sure I did at least in my head somewhere), then carol would've utterly failed across the boards.  I think I can safely say that she was nothing that I was looking for.  In fact, I wasn't even looking.  Maybe the best advice is to have a firm idea about what you want, but to not be so stuck in a theoretical list that you pass by an actual human in front of you.


I certainly do understand your point of view. My baseline list is non negotiable and certainly has cost me a number of potential collars. But, I invite you to look at it this way. I have a Lifestyle in which I will not negotiate or water the core elements down (These include the ettequate, manners/mannerisms and protocols of a bygone era where gentility was the norm and people were far more civilised. I grew up with this and is is part of my core being so I see no reason to sacrifice what i see to be important for anyone even God).  Now like my Gorean frie nds, I require a slave and not a sub with the endless negotiations and part time service. The slave is mine. I require like my Gorean friends, a slave who is service oriented who will become part of my home as a domestic servant. (Ideally there would be several in fact with one takoing the role of either Housekeeper or Butler - depending on gender - and would be well trained in Silver Service). Now these two things are my baseline requirements. If we look at the sexual area, it is not vital to have a sexual relationship as it is always possible to have casual sexual partners who are submissi ves or even attach a sub to the home who is involved with both sex and BDSM. In this way I still maintain my primary objective and yet have given myself a wider scope to accomodate other people if I locate them.. Locating suitable people is certainly a more difficult issue and here in Australia with a small kink population I am still deciding if we will relocate to possibly Canada, Europe or even UK where the kink population is larger. My alternative is to visit overseas and when I locate the right people, to bring them here to live with employment contracts as domestic staff. Keeping this in mind, I always keep an open mind because as you say it is possible to miss someone wonderfull. had I not done so, I would have missed meeting my wife, Lady Neets, who is the best thing which has ever happened to me.



Jeptha -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 4:14:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

its not about settling, i absolutely agree that settling is a total no no. ultimately dishonest to the one youve settled with and eventually destructive.

but 'The One' philosophy presents a high criterion that many people would feel uncomfortable being measured by. 'The One' suggests perfection and noones perfect and i personally would never assume to be anyones 'One' until the relationship was cemented - and that takes a process of chemistry, matched lives, aspirations and shared goals. ....

I'm not crazy about "the One" concept, either. I treasure the relationships I've had, though I haven't considered anyone "The One" since high school. I'm still grateful to my exes. They were "the one that mattered" when we were together, and that was incredibly valuable to me back then, and it still is today.

As for why so many are seeking, I don't know, but I will relate this little anecdote which might be related;

I had an online friend in Florida. She complained that there were no guys worthwhile near her. I instantly looked on Craigslist and found 3 - 5 guys who were interesting and sincere and intelligent. There were like 60 to peruse every single day. It would be incredibly cynical to assume that all 60 are losers. Is it that difficult to sift through the heap? Not really. Just know what interests you and what doesn't, and don't assume what you can't know, initially.

I pointed them out to her, and she conceded that they were at least acceptable (ie, interesting enough) to meet and have an informal beer with and find out more about. They fit all the initial criteria. One sailed a lot on a sailboat with a sleeping cabin. Another hiked in the woods and documented animal life. I would have dated those guys if I could.
But no, she didn't want to make first contact.
So, a lot of people limit themselves that way.

I also disagree with the "don't try and it will find you" philosophy. I've become less social recently, almost everything I enjoy is more or less a solitary pursuit, so if I don't put myself out there and make my intentions known, no-one is going to find me.



tornaway -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 4:29:29 PM)

 
        I'm wondering why you would interpret what you see as meaning there is something wrong with anyone ?   As was pointed out , you're reading the "seeking" profiles - so of course those will be the ones that haven't found their one ( or more ) yet ! 
 
     How 'bout reading through the  "Positive experiences" section on this message board  to help balance your findings  ????       Duh.   [8|]



IronBear -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/4/2008 4:43:53 PM)

Y'know boys and girls, reading the responces a good magority appear to be taking the like tht the person you seek in BDSM will also be your new life partner. One of the put offs and issues I find in the scene is the amount of people blatently looking for a permant or long term partner. talking to others, I find that many sheilers and blokes want a BDSM relationship and nothing else. certainly this appears to be true with submissives where slkaves due to the nature of the bonding with a Mistress and Master will have probably a closer emotional and intimate bond. I can understand who new folk get so confused when many here refer to their non BDSM relationship with their BDSM partner to a point that is at times sickening and certainly gives the impression to the uninniated that CM is a kink dating and marriage site.....

None of you need agree and indeed I'd be suprised (pleasently) if many did but I just wanted to toss my personal views not specifically related to the OP other than in a general way.



JustDarkness -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/5/2008 2:03:59 AM)

I think to many people just focus on finding soem one. It gets a frustrating addiction.
It is more eassier to continue living..and have the looking as a hobby...not as a job.



IronBear -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/5/2008 4:54:03 AM)

Quite possibly. However I do think that there is a largish portion of the population who are lonely and being alone scares the pants off them. In some cases they feel worthless and having that special person appears to validate their existance..



colouredin -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/5/2008 5:06:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Quite possibly. However I do think that there is a largish portion of the population who are lonely and being alone scares the pants off them. In some cases they feel worthless and having that special person appears to validate their existance..


And isnt that a deeply tragic thing



JustDarkness -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/5/2008 5:09:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Quite possibly. However I do think that there is a largish portion of the population who are lonely and being alone scares the pants off them. In some cases they feel worthless and having that special person appears to validate their existance..


I am 100% sure you are rigth. I know such people.
They really hunt for a person to get attention. Sadly it often goes wrong, because they loose track of what they really are looking for.
The wrong attention already seems to satisfy part of their needs.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/5/2008 5:26:09 AM)

The philosophy of Twoism, is still rather traditionally imposed by family and friends.  So, while I don't find it a turnoff, neither do I find it at all surprising.  When you factor in the biological timebomb ticking away in women, and the immortality mindset of men fathering their next generation - you get a sense that some people become panicked when they begin to see time ticking away, and not only have they not measured up to those around them who already have the spouse, two 1/2 kids, dog and house -  but their window of opportunity is narrowing in on them.  Then there are those who are inherently monogomous, and the natural mindset is to look for one person.  After all, dating, getting to know someone and building a relationship is all somewhat of an investment in emotion, time and energy.  Having a monogomous mindset, investing all that time, emotion and energy into a relationship only to have it 'fail' or to be rejected, can wear a person down after time.  Either they might become discouraged, or they might become panicked. 

I've had the spouse, the kids, the house (complete with tiny white picket fence - no shit!) and dog and 2 cars and season tickets.  So, I guess I'm empathetic without being terribly invested either way.  I want someone special, or a whole bunch of special someones in my life because I like having love and laughter around me.  The one thing I miss about the poly relationships I was in, was having that sense of family around me.  I don't miss te headaches and drama, but I do miss the love and connection. 

As much as I enjoy my independence and peace, I get lonely, when I realize how much I do alone.  I begin to crave that amazing feeling of completion one gets when someone knows you, accepts you and enjoys being with you.  I miss the touch, smell and warmth of someone who needs me.  If that is a turn-off to anyone, that's ok [;)], I've said it before and I stand by the statement - I'm not to everyone's taste, nor would I want to be.

editedto add:  I understand that it can begin to disgust people who are looking for a particular dynamic, and they keep finding what appears to be people  using the dynamic to fulfill an agenda, sort of like the bait and switch marketing ploy used frequently to lure people in.  That is unethical, in my mind, whether done deliberate or subconciously.



baddog123 -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/5/2008 6:26:45 AM)

I think it may have to do with the level of commitment involved.
Somehow the cart is in front of the horse here tho.
Where is the initial spark to come from on a profile with no picture?
(there is a crazy hair blond girl with great eyes I like to look at!)
or with most profiles text ( I should talk.. ) there is such a small slice of who
someone may be here, the only way is through conversing one way or another.
The postings here are great, but alas, there can be such great distances involved.
Lol, there must be some people more literate than me with inn 100 Miles!
;) Mike



lally3 -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/5/2008 6:28:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tornaway

 
        I'm wondering why you would interpret what you see as meaning there is something wrong with anyone ?   As was pointed out , you're reading the "seeking" profiles - so of course those will be the ones that haven't found their one ( or more ) yet ! 
 
     How 'bout reading through the  "Positive experiences" section on this message board  to help balance your findings  ????       Duh.   [8|]


how about reading through more of the thread before writing irrelevance - might balance your findings.

this is about those that dont find whilst seeking for a multitude of reasons and the point of posing a question is to have your conundrum answered, and it has been, very eloquently because on the whole there are some incredibly intelligent people on here who take the trouble to respond intelligently.  there are exceptions, you being one of them.




lally3 -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/5/2008 6:43:07 AM)

hey there mike sweet pea!! - id paddle in your canoe any day (but you already know that).

Y'know boys and girls, reading the responces a good magority appear to be taking the like tht the person you seek in BDSM will also be your new life partner. One of the put offs and issues I find in the scene is the amount of people blatently looking for a permant or long term partner.
 
you go on to talk about the deep connection that submission brings.  these two things are polarised.  seeking permanence because submission is a huge emotional investment is ideally the way to go and yet starting a new relationship on the premis that it must be entered into with forever as the goal puts way too much pressure on the whole finding/seeking/starting.

'The One' becomes the needle in the haystack ive seen mentioned and because the pressure is on to find forever the two become polarised.  take away the 'The One' pressure and the 'forever' pressure and maybe, possibly people might start finding people.



lally3 -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/5/2008 7:23:45 AM)

Hey sweetie,

You know, I try to not try too hard but sometimes it does happen. Ill admit,especially now with the holiday season almost upon us. I find myself thinking uh oh, another Christmas and New Years Eve alone, and then I start wondering if maybe I need to 'lower the bar' if you will. (quote laura)
 
hi hun
 
i dont think its about lowering the bar so much - its about broadening your options a little.
 
truthfully i wouldnt have reached this idea on my own.  being with Sir has made me realise that i can step away from my overall plan and find myself moving on and forward and growing far better than if i was standing still waiting for my long lasting forever idyll, which honestly may never happen.  but i can deal with that now. what i couldnt deal with was the increasing pressure inside of me, the loss of focus in my life and the prospect that i wouldnt have my bottom spanked any time soon.
 
im not in fact someone who needs to be with someone.  but as a submissive i need the D element in my life very much.  so thats me and not everyone and so this is my new premis for now.
 
whats actually happened is that ive started seeing potentials with slightly different eyes.  not as my future forever but as someone i could grow with a little more and have some fun with at the same time.  so when Sir decides im ready to let go my approach will be different - i never suffered from 'The One' hang up, but i did hold back because of the 'forever' thing.  im pretty sure ive missed out on some real opportunities because of it, opportunities that might have grown, not from a starting point of perfection but just two people hitting it off and developing from there, naturally and without pressure.
 
ps:  remember you said id suddenly get struck again out of the blue - it happened today for no reason atall i just started thinking about her again.





laura2161 -> RE: why cant people find each other (11/5/2008 4:50:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3


 
ps:  remember you said id suddenly get struck again out of the blue - it happened today for no reason atall i just started thinking about her again.





Big huge hugs...Now the next time a lil bit more time will go by. Believe me I still have those moments, like just before I fall asleep, and I remember and I shed a few tears (sometimes I bawl like a baby). Hit me up on the other side if you need to just talk and reminesce...I'll  always be here for you :-)



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