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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 6:55:44 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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I apologise Treasure for the outburst above. What has occured to you is very upsetting for you and that should not be ignored. You will go through a multitude of emotions and I am sure that confronting may be a great way to get things off your chest. My thought is if you do - just make sure you are calm and that it doesn't turn into a tit-for-tat. You have to be comfortable in yourself and in what you do and how you respond and be able to hold your head up high when it is all over and done with. If you can do that, regardless of your reaction, that is all that matters.

the.dark.

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(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 41

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 6:57:44 AM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

So you do suggest that she invites the person who has hurt her so you can satisfy your curiosity....

It's funny that even though you can't offer any advice you feel the need to attack somebody who obviously has been hurt and possibly has nobody to talk to, I can perfectly understand that if somebody is hurt they might want to get it off their chest and vent a bit. From the tone of your reply, that is quite a big horse you are riding.

I am quite sure that treasure is more than capable of standing up for herself in regards to me; she has done so before, and I am quite sure she will continue to do so in the future. Your words here do nothing but attempt to paint her as helpless, something that she is definitly not.

Thanks that you are also telling me what I do, amazing, you must be psychic since you understand everybody so well, in that case I find it even more amazing that you can't muster any sympathy for somebody who has to deal with an issue of betrayal and lies.

FYI I was not painting her as helpless, but pointing out that being betrayed is not a nice feeling and somebody might have the need to vent. Surely you can grasp that concept?

As for my answer, I found your words offensive and therefore I replied, I didn't make an attempt to speak for treasure, I spoke for myself, like it or not.

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(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 42

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 6:58:14 AM

IrishMist

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LadyConstanze, you wish to condemn me for speaking my mind, that is your perogative. However, this is NOT the first time that treasure has come to these boards complaining about this man who she calls 'Master' and all the horrible things he does to her. If she is upset and hurting NOW, then she has no one to blame but herself for allowing herself to stay in a relationship that obviously causes her so much pain.
She comes to the boards, gripes and moans, asks for the same advice...yet, she ignores the advice only to come back with the same complaints.

Her life is her own. If she is unhappy, it is HER FAULT, not his.

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Post #: 43

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:00:16 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
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If a person lied to me regarding others, I would simply walk away. No fuss, no muss, end of story.

If they've shit on me, they really don't deserve any explanations.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 44

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:01:48 AM

LadyConstanze

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Joined: 2/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Not that IM needs any defending. But are you serious?
She never attacked the OP. She told her the truth, that no one can nor should make that decision for her. Sure - it's fine for you to go into infantile details of how to get back at the guy, how what you would commit revenge. But the only person who can decide what is right for her, IS her.
You telling her and giving her ideas how to get back at him, when she clearly stated she didn;t want to sink to his level. You are the one attack someone you have no idea about but some second hand information from someone who is hurting. Your advice is not only childish but you have no idea what this man is capable of and you could be potentially advising her to do something he might respond to in a negative way. You have no idea how she might feel guilt if she did something mean to him. You are so focused on making the man pay, you aren't looking at the bigger picture and that is both naive and irresponsible. You aren't concerned about the op, but struting how malicious you could be.

the.dark.

Don't fall of your horse and maybe read where I told her that I am concerned about her security and that a guy who does that has issues.

I haven't been strutting how malicious I could be, I have told her that by confronting the guy, he might turn the tables on her and that I would recommend breaking all contact and that I think confrontation might not gain her anything.

You suffer from selective reading perhaps?

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 45

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:04:27 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
Don't fall of your horse and maybe read where I told her that I am concerned about her security and that a guy who does that has issues.

I haven't been strutting how malicious I could be, I have told her that by confronting the guy, he might turn the tables on her and that I would recommend breaking all contact and that I think confrontation might not gain her anything.

You suffer from selective reading perhaps?

At least I can ride and do not falter at hurdles.
I suffer less from selective reading than you do at childish retorts and behaviour.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Post #: 46

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:13:20 AM

ModeratorSixteen

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Enough y'all and keep a focus on the question.

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Post #: 47

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:16:24 AM

DavanKael

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OP, I haven't read the whole thread but I my opinion in the face of a liar is to confront them. Depending on the person as well as the transgression, a lie may get a person ejected from my life or I may genuinely attempt to work things out.
What you descirbed to me in your original post is a deal-breaker, imo. I would lay out the proof and, in no uncertain terms, tell him to f* off.
Best wishes to you,,
Davan

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(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 48

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:18:33 AM

missturbation

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Treasure,

I have the feeling it doesn't matter what advice you are given. If it is true you have come here with other issues regarding the same man and not taken others advice then, you are highly unlikely to now.
That said i have been in your position and would advise you to get out. I chose to believe / forgive him when he said it was all untruth and that i was the only one. I only set myself up for a whole heap of more hurt.
How you get out has to be your call and only you can decide whether confrontation is worth it. You need to get your closure in this and be able to walk away and heal.
Me personally i think i would get copies of all the emails and put them in an envelope and leave them for him to open after i had left. That way i have made it clear to him i know what he has done and he is clear about why i have left. I would then cut all contact, there would be no excuse good for me to forgive him. By cutting all contact at this point you will not have to listen to any excuse or anymore lies.

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(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 49

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:19:22 AM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

LadyConstanze, you wish to condemn me for speaking my mind, that is your perogative. However, this is NOT the first time that treasure has come to these boards complaining about this man who she calls 'Master' and all the horrible things he does to her. If she is upset and hurting NOW, then she has no one to blame but herself for allowing herself to stay in a relationship that obviously causes her so much pain.
She comes to the boards, gripes and moans, asks for the same advice...yet, she ignores the advice only to come back with the same complaints.

Her life is her own. If she is unhappy, it is HER FAULT, not his.

I tried to reply to you but it seems to have gotten lost...

I took her post at face value since I didn't see her complaining about the situation before, if she indeed has not changed a thing and it has been going on for a while, you certainly have a point.

However, I think being betrayed does hurt and if venting takes some of that away, no harm done. Let's hope she gets out of the situation and I am quite worried because she said she has offspring, a guy who will behave in the way she described might have a vindictive streak and might not hesitate to stalk or out her, which is something that I mentioned in my replies when it became clear that she has offspring.

I have a low tolerance for people who think it is alright to play with somebody's feelings because they can, it just goes against the consensual aspect I believe in. Assuming the guy did all she said, nothing is gained from confronting him, he will find an excuse, he will try to turn the tables and shift blame unless he is indeed caught redhanded, but considering the effort it would take, is it worth it? Also from what she said, other people are involved who he seems to play the same game with, if she does find a way of telling them without endangering herself by making herself or her family a target for his wrath, it would be a good thing.

Edited to comply with the guideline of keeping minors off the post

< Message edited by LadyConstanze -- 11/14/2008 7:25:06 AM >

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 50

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:23:23 AM

ModeratorSixteen

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Check your mail and you will see why it went.

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Post #: 51

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:30:56 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3

After seeing one too many red flags, I went searching and found proof my Master has been lying to me. He's been seeing others and contacting others with the intention of meeting, telling them he is actively searching and hasn't found his one... completely oposite of what he has been telling me for over a year now, that he is no longer looking at all, has not met with any other submissives (or vanillas) except for long time friends and never to play, and is commited to me and me alone.

I won't go into a lot of detail for the sake of keeping this post relatively short, but I have undeniable proof in the form of emails he sent to and from other subs and flight and hotel confirmations sent to and from subs from as far back as a year and a half ago till as recently as last month. I've directly asked him if he has seen any one else this past year, if he has been looking this past year, and if a trip he took last month was really as spontaneous as he said and was really for the purpose he said. He looked me straight in the eyes and lied.

What would you do in a situation like this, lay out the proof and confront him or just walk away? On one hand, walking away would probably be the best thing, for a number of reasons, but I have to admit that confronting him once and for all sounds gratifying.

Treasure, if it's safe for you and you want to chap his ass, then do whatever you like. Call him a worm at the top of your lungs -- just realise, a liar won't suddenly 'grow' integrity' because some chick bitched him out.

I don't see the point. Once I know a man I've gotten involved with is a liar, I am done, done, done. As in 'get the f**k out of my house' done.

I'm not a big fan of drama, and if he's unclear why he's being kicked to the curb, let me seek solace from a therapist.

I'm sorry you wre taken in by a iiar, Treasure, but we've all been there.

candystripper

(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 52

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:37:34 AM

CreativeDominant

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I read through all this and, while I can sit here and be amused at all the scenarios for revenge, I find myself also wondering this: what if the tables were turned? Would you women who counsel taking revenge on this so-called Master be as quick to advise the Master to take revenge upon a lying female submissive? Or would you advise him to sit down and have a serious discussion with her to find out why she'd been lying to him, what could have brought it about...told him that she apparently has some deep-seated baggage that she has not resolved and advised him to help her get the therapy she needs even if he doesn't stay with her?

treasure, I can understand the desire to let him know that you know about his lying. Part of the closure in this is going to be letting him know that you know and that you are walking away. That is closure for you and, if he is smart at all, he will realize he has had all the closure he possibly deserves. How much you tell him of what you know can only be decided upon by you. If you know he is going to stand there and continue to lie, why bother taking the time to let him know all that you know? If there is the possibility that he could become dangerous, why even bother telling him anything in person at all?

I also have a question...if it is true, as IM notes, that this is not the first problem you have brought to the board concerning this Master and if he has been making you miserable for a year or longer...why have you not communicated this to him before now and either had discussions that were satisfactory and moved the relationship/dynamic forward or, if they were not satisfying, walked away?

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 11/14/2008 7:51:33 AM >

(in reply to ModeratorSixteen)

Post #: 53

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:46:33 AM

came4U

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From: London, Ontario
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I wouldn't show him any evidence that he can gander over. Scumbags adapt. The only reason he would even look at such evidence is to learn what and where his mistakes were in leaving a trail as he did. Not like he will read it and weep while sobbing at his loss (you). This isn't Hollywood.

Let him not see his own mistakes. He will do it again naturally to someone else, so what? If they chose him, they must learn by their own consequences. Eventually it comes around to bite him in the arse. Someday he will lie to the wrong person, get caught and end up in an episode of Cheaters. He might even end up in a gutter. No matter, in the end we all know where he is going.

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Post #: 54

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:46:45 AM

ExSteelAgain

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Generally speaking the way you react depends on how badly you want to hang on. Sure, we’ve all been lied to and, most of the time, recognize it for what it is. I simply figure the other person has a reason and it could be that the relationship is waning. It could be the other person is even right and somehow trying to precipitate a break-up for the good of both of us. There’s nothing much I can do about that except move along. Why confront someone about a lie when you both know the truth. Move on and you will both have less bitterness and may end up friends later.

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Post #: 55

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:47:52 AM

LadyConstanze

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To be honest, if somebody lies once, I would be tempted to listen to that person and possibly give the person another chance, after it happened repeatedly? HELL NO! And that is not gender specific, a cheat is a cheat and a liar is a liar, no matter if they are male or female.

As for revenge scenarios, what you do in the end is often a lot different from what you imagine doing, running a revenge scenario in our heads can be therapeutic and it might make you laugh (I guess we all have done that with bosses or co-workers, envisioned what we would like to do to them when they really tested our patience), it is a bit like writing that letter after a breakup but never sending it, just letting off steam, a very human way of dealing with a situation and laughter is definitely better than feeling depressed about a situation, even anger is better than depression.

Personally I always found that the best way to execute revenge is to put something firmly behind me, move forward and lead the best life I can, it benefits me and if it drives the other person nuts, all the better!

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Post #: 56

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 7:56:28 AM

KatyLied

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OP - I would simply dismiss him from my life. Along with dismissal there would be no letter or call of explanation. He would find me out of his life and I would not look back. And any attempts he had communication would be met with an ignore.

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Post #: 57

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 8:05:22 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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~ Fast Reply ~

quote:

What would you do in a situation like this, lay out the proof and confront him or just walk away?

The decision really comes down to you. What's your goal?

Life is a learning experience. This established a confidence that your 'Master' lies and can not be trusted. You want to live with that, shut up and go on status quo.

You want ongoing drama, both with him and all the future similar situations you bring to the boards; I can't see a better method than confronting him. Just imagine the drama that will generate and enable you to report for audience participation.

Walk away, take the lesson and use it going forward as you meet new people and you may actually find someone worthy of you and what you offer as a person, as a woman, as a submissive, as a partner; an honest partner, complementary to you, giving and worthy of trust.

It's all about you - just like this thread.

Good luck!

(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 58

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 8:11:58 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Not that IM needs any defending. But are you serious?
She never attacked the OP. She told her the truth, that no one can nor should make that decision for her. Sure - it's fine for you to go into infantile details of how to get back at the guy, how what you would commit revenge. But the only person who can decide what is right for her, IS her.
You telling her and giving her ideas how to get back at him, when she clearly stated she didn;t want to sink to his level. You are the one attack someone you have no idea about but some second hand information from someone who is hurting. Your advice is not only childish but you have no idea what this man is capable of and you could be potentially advising her to do something he might respond to in a negative way. You have no idea how she might feel guilt if she did something mean to him. You are so focused on making the man pay, you aren't looking at the bigger picture and that is both naive and irresponsible. You aren't concerned about the op, but struting how malicious you could be.

the.dark.

You go girl!

IMO, a man (or woman) who lies is a parasite -- I too am selective about revenge.

It's not as if they're going to grow a conscience.

*Waves across the pond*

candystripper

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 59

RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 9:21:52 AM

WinsomeDefiance

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Joined: 8/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

You could always wait until he goes on his next trip, sell everything he owns for a dollar and use the proceeds to buy him a fruit basket with a note thanking him for an amusing but unsatisfactory ride.

Now, what would I do? I don't know. You never really know how you will handle things until faced with the reality of them, but I'm thinking I'd just walk out and not look back. Confronting him just invites too many possibilities and none of them good.

WinD

LOL... what a great thought! I would never do that, but it did make me laugh. Thank you.

I would hope not! But I'm glad you could see the humor in it, and laugh. I'm glad I could bring a laugh to you, during your distress. As long as you can find enough joy within you, to appreciate humor, you know you'll eventully be ok.

(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 60

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