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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 9:29:36 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Hmm.. disappeared profile

(in reply to Treasure3)
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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 9:30:22 AM   
theobserver


Posts: 456
Joined: 8/18/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BeyondShattered

I agree with LadyConstanze.

And, I'll add: Once a liar, always a liar.  Don't give him the opportunities he never gave you.  Trust is too delicate a thing to be taken advantage of and, it sounds to me like he's taken advantage of yours.

Best of luck to you.



I agree. I've dealt with my own special brand of lying asshole and once someone has proven that they cannot show you the respect to look you in the eye and give you the truth they are not worthy of the further time and effort.

Let them be a headache for someone else.


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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 10:04:40 AM   
ginger1233


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/28/2008
Status: offline 		Treasure,
I hope this works as I have never posted in a forum.  But, your situation is just too close to home!  My ex-husband cheated through our entire marriage, when I finally had enough proof and knew a lot about what he had done, I confronted him, however, I did not give him any of my information, instead, I told him I had hired a private detective who had been following him, and I knew everything.  If he wanted to continue and work on our marriage (which I knew he did) he had to tell me everything, no more lies.  He did tell me a lot, but not even close to everything.
For some reason, I just needed the confession from his own mouth, and getting it, and still knowing that he hadn't told me everything, only what he thought I may have found out, just confirmed and solidified that the man was very mentally unstable and made it that much easier for me to see it was the end.
I know how hard it is, like someone stabbing you in the heart.  It makes you feel worthless, but just remember, he is the one who is worthless, not you.....you gave of yourself in good faith and somewhere out there is someone who deserves you!
Take care of yourself!
m

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/14/2008 10:26:13 AM   
MsFlutter


Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline 		Couple things popped into my head when I read what the OP had to say.
 
1) Credibility is currency - its not difficult to spot the ones that are bankrupt
2) Recent scientific studies indicate that individuals with a deficiency of neuron receptors are incapable of learning from their mistakes. In other words, it seems unlikely he can be 'rehabilitated'.
 
He lied, you have proof he lied, your investment in that situation has no return. Any efforts to salvage the remnants are noble only to a certain point. Past that it is self-destructive. Debating it doesnt change it. Consider it as having dodged a bullet.
 
If he admitted he lied and swore to you it would never happen again, everything he said from that moment on would be put through a filter in your mind. 'Is he sincere?.
 
End it. If he badgers you to return, drop a packet in the mail to him with copies of all the evidence and dont look back.


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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/17/2008 8:55:40 PM   
PrincessJ77


Posts: 372
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From: point A
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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

Hmm.. disappeared profile


I noticed that also.  'Specially since this thread opened some old wounds.  Perhaps I should just email the fake, considering he already posted regarding lies & drama. 


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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/17/2008 10:22:40 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Isn't the question one of personal responsibility?  The OP can't control anyone except herself.  It does the OP a disservice for everyone to assume without question she is describing things objectively, when she admits to extreme anger.  Couple to that a history of inflammatory remarks about her relationship, and.. well... if you had issues in your relationship, would you post it all over the internet instead of dealing?  Again and again and again?  How "pure" and "sweet" is that?

My advice, Treasure3, is to read IrishMist's posts again.  You can take revenge on this guy in whatever way tickles you, but why did you attract -- and stay with -- a liar in the first place?  If that's an accurate description of him.  Unless you fix that within yourself, you'll just lather-rinse-repeat when you wash that man out of your hair.

And all the rush-to-judgmenters might recognize that words are written in time and space, in context and history, and just because the OP says something, it does not make her a victim... except, perhaps, of herself.

< Message edited by RedMagic1 -- 11/17/2008 10:23:46 PM >

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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 2:56:18 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		~ Fast Reply ~

Wow are people really this vindictive? I find that to be just as sad as being lied to.

Irish Mist is right - we only know one side of this. And the OP will do what the OP will do but vindictive drama isn't for me. My advise is to focus on working through your anger, and to understand your part in this. Speaking from experience, that's not always an easy pill to swallow, but a necessary one if you really do wish to move on with your life. I was hurt recently, and angry as a result. A friend of mine advised me to remove all the "you" statements from my sentiments and focus on "I" statements. When I did that, I came to understand things about myself that I wasn't seeing through my wall of emotions. I suggest you do the same. If you want to remain angry, by all means, go for it. But if you want to move on and find peace, a thread like this isn't going to get you there.

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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 4:36:17 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		while it would be nice to take the 'higher' ground and just walk away, the bitch in me would lay out the evidence first and then walk away;  i mean after-all, there's a reason why my profile states that i can 'play the part of stupid' if there's something someone has that i want or need.  when someone looks me in the eye and lies to me, they, in my opinion, are looking me dead in the eye and calling me stupid.  i like to prove people wrong in such circumstances!

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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 6:49:04 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Revenge is best served cold.  If your gut says this is done, then walk with your dignity and do what you have to do. 
Serving up a new plate of drama after you've confronted him seems silly now.  Why ask for words you no longer believe? 
This is one of those times when the submissive has to be dominant with herself and do what is best. 
Then since that extra chromosome we have doesnt allow us to forget, bide your time and wait for the opportunity for revenge
to presents itself.  If time hasnt found forgiveness and adjusted your view, take him out at the knees then.  (grin) 


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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 7:35:48 AM   
CreativeDominant


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

~ Fast Reply ~

Wow are people really this vindictive? I find that to be just as sad as being lied to.

Irish Mist is right - we only know one side of this. And the OP will do what the OP will do but vindictive drama isn't for me. My advise is to focus on working through your anger, and to understand your part in this. Speaking from experience, that's not always an easy pill to swallow, but a necessary one if you really do wish to move on with your life. I was hurt recently, and angry as a result. A friend of mine advised me to remove all the "you" statements from my sentiments and focus on "I" statements. When I did that, I came to understand things about myself that I wasn't seeing through my wall of emotions. I suggest you do the same. If you want to remain angry, by all means, go for it. But if you want to move on and find peace, a thread like this isn't going to get you there.


So true...I have been faced with situations, including a recent one, in which people have told me "you do this...and you do that...and you think this...and you say that".  There've been times when I wanted to ask them "Do you realize that when I spoke to you, it was a combination of "I" statements about what I think and feel and statements/questions made so that I could try to ascertain what you think and feel?  Yet, when you spoke to me it was all "you" statements about what I was doing wrong?" On occasion, I have said that and sometimes, it does open their eyes.  Sadly, not often enough.  It is surprising to me that in something like D/s/BDSM where, to me anyway, introspection seems like it should be a natural extension of your dominance and your submission, that it is not.

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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 7:48:07 AM   
hardbodysub


Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		Definitely walk out immediately, write him off, and never talk to him or contact him again. He doesn't deserve it. Don't even tell him why; let the asshole wonder about it - it will bug him a lot more than if you tell him what you found. Just leave him a note telling him not to even try to contact you ever again.

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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 8:24:46 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I am puzzled by folks who advocate not confronting a liar.  I have read the arguments for that approach and they leave me rather personally stumped.  I understand theoretically.  The approach, however, isn't about trying to get the liar to understand the error of their ways in all instances or to affect a mending.  If it is, I take a gentler approach.  If it's just about cleaning out the trash permanently, I'll bring a blow-torch and a sledge-hammer. 
A question to those who choose not to confront: I've seen several aspects of the person cited as reasons not to confront.  What parts of your own personality factor into the choice? 
Davan

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 11/18/2008 8:25:47 AM >

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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 8:57:52 AM   
hardbodysub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

I am puzzled by folks who advocate not confronting a liar.  I have read the arguments for that approach and they leave me rather personally stumped.  I understand theoretically.  The approach, however, isn't about trying to get the liar to understand the error of their ways in all instances or to affect a mending.  If it is, I take a gentler approach.  If it's just about cleaning out the trash permanently, I'll bring a blow-torch and a sledge-hammer. 
A question to those who choose not to confront: I've seen several aspects of the person cited as reasons not to confront.  What parts of your own personality factor into the choice? 
Davan


My impulse is to confront in person. I would try to choose not to in this case, because it would merely give him a chance to respond. I think I would rather just leave a note telling him that he's a liar, and don't ever contact me again. Closure, although not as personally satisfying as face-to-face confrontation, better that he not be given a chance to hurl back insults at me.

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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 9:42:50 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I would confront the person with the accusations to see their side of the story. I can forgive a mistake but when someone is continuously lying to me and being dishonest I cannot forgive that. As they saying goes "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."  Deal with it then move on.

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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 9:59:44 AM   
ODadEO


Posts: 44
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline 		I would walk away, leave 'em hanging, with only the knowledge you found out he is lying and can't be trusted.  As for confronting him, getting 'in his face' etc., well, each to their own, but I don't like fights, especially with someone who's not worth the time/effort.  

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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 10:20:29 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

I am puzzled by folks who advocate not confronting a liar.  I have read the arguments for that approach and they leave me rather personally stumped.  I understand theoretically.  The approach, however, isn't about trying to get the liar to understand the error of their ways in all instances or to affect a mending.  If it is, I take a gentler approach.  If it's just about cleaning out the trash permanently, I'll bring a blow-torch and a sledge-hammer. 
A question to those who choose not to confront: I've seen several aspects of the person cited as reasons not to confront.  What parts of your own personality factor into the choice? 
Davan


I would feel the same way at first and have done the confrontation in the past, while it might give you some sort of closure for a while, often it results in more negativity. For example you do bust somebody on his or her lies, the person will be angry, will feel cornered and cornered rats can be quite dangerous. Why would I want to put myself in a situation where I have to listen to more lies or possibly abuse? Why create a situation where the other person (and somebody who decides to lie as a matter of lifestyle is a bit of a risk factor) might freak out, feel he has an axe to grind and might try and make my life miserable?
Getting away and cutting all contact would be the most sensible approach, on the other hand the fact that he is playing the same game with several people and you know it also puts you in a position where you are to a degree responsible if you simply close your eyes, so it would be a fine line of protecting yourself and trying to help other victims.

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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 2:28:15 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3



The thing that scares me right now is that I don't feel any emotion other than anger. After dating/serving him for over two years, shouldn't I feel more??

Maybe it's really been over for a while, and you've been aware of that on some level, but still you've been hoping for the best. That's just a somewhat wild guess, of course. I couldn't really know.

As far as telling him; I don't think that a liar can't change. I don't think there's only one kind of liar. Maybe some can't change, but I think people sometimes learn from painful mistakes. -Most people have to learn at some point that they have to cause some pain now, by being honest, in order to avoid causing a lot more pain later (not to mention possibly wasting time - their own and their partner's). It isn't a lesson easily learned, but it's not impossible to learn. And not everybody learns it at the same time.
Telling him might help him to learn it.

You have no obligation to do that , of course (especially if you don't feel ready to...)
But, on the off chance that he does learn something from it, then you've done a good thing.

As long as you feel safe and in a position of strength in doing so. If you want to wait until you're ready, feeling calm and composed, as you mentioned, then that sounds like a good idea.

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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 3:04:51 PM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3

The thing that scares me right now is that I don't feel any emotion other than anger.  After dating/serving him for over two years, shouldn't I feel more?? 



You and I spoke privately about your issues and distrust of your master over a year and a half ago.  Since that time, you have started a handful of threads all of which have questioned his actions and your relationship.... and when you were given advice, you apparently ignored it or you would turn around and defend him.

Walking away from any relationship can be difficult, but you have to own that behavior.  Perhaps the anger you are feeling is with yourself, moreso than with him.

And to be honest, were I in your position, I might start asking myself if I was an emotional masochist or suffering from some sort or martyrdom syndrome. 

Maybe it's time to step back and do some serious soul searching and introspection?



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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 5:49:25 PM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Ouch My heart hurts just reading.

Shun the liar and just walk away, end all contact - no matter how painful.

Confrontation will only give the liar even more opportunity to manipulate you.

Let him know you have learned the truth, if it makes you feel better or gives you some comfort, but there's no such thing as closure when you've been lied to. 

You won't wake the liar up to reality, anyway. 

Good luck, wish I could help.

Sign me - Been there, Done that.

TexasMaam




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RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? - 11/18/2008 7:34:29 PM   
scarlethiney


Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline 		He doesn't deserve the energy it would take to confront him with the information you already have. And for what purpose............so he can lie to you again?  Why put yourself through that?

Walk away and don't look back.

Good luck,

scarlet


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