AAkasha
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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
My advice? The femdom dynamic must grow and thrive in the woman and from her POV. If she's needing a break, a break must be taken. If she needs to recharge her batteries and rediscover her inner femdom, he needs to back off and allow that space, and trust that she's doing the best she can. In the meantime, he can adopt any number of proactive submissive tasks, so long as they don't make her feel pressured and as long as they are not passive aggressive.
It’s so ironic, though, Akasha. I can imagine some dominas reading that and thinking, “yes, absolutely, I must focus on myself, not my sub”. Many if not most subs might even agree. Yet such dominas might find it difficult advice to follow because they’d feel themselves to be ‘selfish’ in so doing. It’s quite hard, I think, to go against one’s upbringing in regards to that 'sin'.
Most moral philosophies, plus all those taught in religions that I know of, start with the same simple moral injuction: "Be generous". So we may take it that this is a very, very deeply ingrained piece of social conditioning indeed. Following that, I do wonder at times if 'focusing on one's own needs and desires" might be the hardest thing of all about attaining or maintaining a 'domina mindset'.
It is feminine nature to want to nurture and take care of a man we adore. Trust me, I have been down this road. If anything, it's hard NOT for a femdom to just try to "suck it up...do the dominant thing...for him." We think that much like making love, the right wheels will start turning and the desire will follow. Ok, sometimes, maybe it works. But when it doesn't work, it just starts a bad cycle.
You are dealing with two distinct types of desires. One is the desire to care for, nurture, make your man feel happy and content. All it takes is for the man to make his case that it's a 'need' and it probably is enough for a woman to think, "I'm just being selfish. ok, I'll do it." Then it becomes all blurred. If this continues to happen over time, domination becomes a chore, a necessary ritual, an expectation. Suddenly a femdom realizes she's not doing it for herself anymore, and the sub feels like the passion is gone and she's going through the motions.
The other desire is the craving of domination, of bending his will, of having him submit. I'm only talking about domination/submission here, the dynamic of power exchange, not just topping/bottoming that can be done at will, on the fly. The act of taking control of a man in some manner, emotionally or physically, is one that takes energy - emotional energy.
If it's done for any other reason than joy, I think it's a negative drain on energy. I think some ladies can do this more often than others. I know I have a low tolerance for it, I get burnt out and cranky in no time. When I hear of femdoms talking about the lost spark or trouble enjoying their domination, it's usually linked to a sense of obligation or dominating out of guilt. When I hear of subs saying their femdom "just isn't into it like she used to be" I hear of staleness, rituals, or expecations ("She doesn't even notice and punish me when I do wrong anymore.")
I have absolutely no idea why my drive works this way, and I can only make assumptions about others. But I do know that women suffer from burnout, use terms like "psychic vampires" when they don't feel fulfilled from domination, and that submissive men increasingly tow the line of "wants vs. needs" and that a good relationship satisfies *both* partners and that when things are firing on all cyllinders, a femdom should want to dominate her man even when maybe she's not up for it - for the better of the relationship as a whole. Because that's what couples do. I hold the unpopular belief that this is the absolute worst thing to have in a femdom relationship, because it's a slippery slope that can lead to her dominating him just to get it over with and not because she woke up hungry for it.
Submissive men - you can't have your cake and eat it to. It can't be "I want my femdom to dominate me ONLY when she is in the mood. Or, when I want her to -- because we both have needs." You can have the latter if you accept that you may have some fallout related to burnout and resentment down the road, or you can wait patiently to allow her femdom urges to be nurtured naturally. Or, you can accept that she's roleplaying her dominance to please you.
Akasha
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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 
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