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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 11:41:08 AM

PeonForHer

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Why do we have to chop our personalities into bits, though

From the sound of it, Lady H, you, personally, don't. But I could certainly imagine some dominas might need to.

I suppose the flip side of that for subs is that they might have to work out when they're being 'affectionate/loving/adoring as an equal' to their partner, and when they're being 'submissively affectionate/loving/adoring".

Me? Very little idea of how much chopping up of my own personality I might need to do. But I guess it's worth having the general idea in mind for if/when the situation arises.

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Post #: 61

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 11:42:00 AM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I had to think about your post Akasha, and I keep coming back to the same thing---I don't need to "recover", "find", or do anything at all to my inner femdom. I am a dominant woman, and I don't turn it on or off. What DOES wax and wane is the desire to play. I can pretty much always be persuaded into sex, but a full out scene is NOT going to happen if I am not feeling up for it.

As to the rest, I am very clear about what I do not find entertaining, useful, or life enhancing. I will not compromise myself, and someone who is not compatible with me will find out in a hurry. Yes, I want my partner to be happy to be with me, and yes, I will take care of him, but when it comes down to it, I will not cave in "just because". We can't always get what we want.

LadyH, we are on the same page. I am talking about "play" or "tasks" etc. That's what submissive men tend to crave or need if they feel they are not getting their needs met. I am talking about when a man needs to feel commanded, controlled, or dominated. If I am not in the mood to strap him down and do nasty things to him, it's not going to be improved if he instead suggests I give him rules or rituals so he can feel more submissive, and then feel sad when I don't notice, enforce or punish him regarding those rules.

Akasha

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Post #: 62

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 11:43:58 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Whew! Sometimes I feel like I've totally missed the memo, yanno?

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Post #: 63

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 11:52:35 AM

ShiftedJewel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel
I'd like to believe that to be true, and it probably is for most individuals... but not for him. He enjoyed the visual way to much, it was more like a reward to him. Needless to say, it didn't last.

I see what you mean and think it depends on the objective. If the objective is to create torment towards SM, this approach may or may not work based on the individual. If the objective is to provide a reminder of one's submission, I think this approach would work. I often find reminders of submission to enhance the feeling of submission I feel and, thus, I appreciate them.

Cheers,

Sea

Well, the biggest issue was that I just couldn't compete with the ongoing affair he had with his right hand. It started long before I came along and he remained loyal to it, unable to get a rise out of him without it... if you understand my meaning? Personally, I don't want to have to work that hard... lol

quote:

It's hard for some submissive men to not be needy. They start to get into the philosophy of "both people need to be happy." In those situations, they have a choice - be patient and let your femdom find her inner fire, or be impatient and allow her to dominate you out of obligation. Watch how fast that snuffs out her flame. If you exercise patience, the rewards may be far greater. Sure, out of love and affection, she will probably succumb quickly to the obligation - after all, you're right, it takes two people to make a good relationship, so she may as well put on a femdom face and hope the urges follow when she starts going through the motions. But then what if they don't? Resentment, frustration, sadness follow.

I don't think submissive men recognize that for those women who have an honest, organic, biological, psychological *need* to dominate, they also have ups and downs, emotional challenges, potential for burn out and exhaustion. It's far better to let her go at her own pace then to wave the "equality" flag and pipe up that submissives have needs too, and appeal to her natural instinct to want to nurture her man. You appeal to the *wrong* instinct in her and potentially screw it up. Wouldn't you rather have her dominating you out of lust, not obligation? Sure, she can do both, and perhaps even convincingly. But if it's to sacrfice the larger picture?

A lot of this makes sense to me but in the same respect I also believe that the goal should be to find that middle ground. I have my off days... particularly lately when I'm working so hard to get healthy again, but I find that the right sub/slave mindset near me helps to set me in the right mindset. I think dominant personalities and submissive personalities feed off of each other in some way and when life in general gets in the way and the connection is weakened that maybe just spending time focusing on each other would be enough to bring things back into perspective.

I do understand about some submissive males (and females) that are sooo needy that they can damn near drain the life right out of you though. I'm pretty good at giving nearly constant attention, even when I'm not fully paying attention I still tend to be the touchy/feely type but I do have a life and I simply cannot focus all of my energy on one person all the time. I couldn't even I weren't poly.

Somehow I don't think I'm making sense... maybe I'm just sleepy... lol

Jewel

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Post #: 64

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 2:12:51 PM

undergroundsea

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From: Austin, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt
Sometimes, the little things are most effective in bouncing me right into my submissive headspace. A soft "and just WHO is in charge here?" when I get uppity or fist in my hair/ teeth on my neck for no reason at all usually does the trick... not to mention melting me in all the right places, lol.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
One doesn't need long, drawn out rituals or events that take a ton of time, planning, or orchestrating. A quick reminder of authority takes just a moment or two and does worlds of good for both sides of the kneel.

I agree entirely. The expressions do not have to be elaborate and the little things help to keep giving the balloons that little push.

In vanilla relationships, there are five languages of love that define how one expresses or receives affection. One of these languages is physical affirmation. So a simple kiss on the cheek here and a stroke on the back there will convey a gesture of affection to such a person and keep the feeling of being loved present.

Similarly, I think there are languages of D/s--there are ways in which people like to express or receive their role. A small something here and there helps one remember and feel the role.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to WyldHrt)

Post #: 65

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 2:30:53 PM

undergroundsea

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSusan
I agree with MissEnchanted, time off is essential for me. Trying to be in a 24/7 lifestyle D/s relationship for about one year and BDSM for 3 years prior with my sub, it’s a challenge to always be ‘on’ and contrive new and creative ways to torture him.

<snip>

I would love to know what you do with a greedy sub who just always wants me to get him in a subbie mind space.

I am going to use the analogy of vanilla relationships to convey my point.

In a vanilla relationship, what each person wants to feel is that they are appreciated and desired as a partner in the role they play. Sex or other mating rituals might occur however frequently they do and help keep this feeling alive. However, these elaborate practices do not occur at each moment of the day and do not need to occur each moment of the day. It is not the activity but the feeling that needs tending.

Similarly in BDSM, elaborate practices do not need to occur at each moment of the day. What is more important is the feeling of the role and that they are desired and appreciated in that role.

As for the question about the greedy sub, I am unsure. Just like in vanilla relationships people have different degrees of need of being reassured, reminded, or made to feel their role, and different appetites for the more elaborate practices. I think the same can be said of D/s and the respective appetites and needs may be relevant for compatibility.

Also, the mental space may be created through means that do not require a lot of energy. For instance, wearing jewelry or a collar like symbol may serve as an adequate reminder that does not require a lot of energy from the domme. Little notes or words uttered can also serve the purpose.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to DominaSusan)

Post #: 66

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 2:38:38 PM

PeonForHer

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As for the question about the greedy sub, I am unsure. Just like in vanilla relationships people have different degrees of need of being reassured, reminded, or made to feel their role, and different appetites for the more elaborate practices. I think the same can be said of D/s and the respective appetites and needs may be relevant for compatibility.

Also, the mental space may be created through means that do not require a lot of energy. For instance, wearing jewelry or a collar like symbol may serve as an adequate reminder that does not require a lot of energy from the domme. Little notes or words uttered can also serve the purpose.

Seems that's clear, Sea. What I don't quite get is that surely there's still a non-D/s attraction/affection/love between partners in a nominally D/s relationship. Why doesn't that just "kick in" when the domina wants 'downtime'?

[Sorry, I have a feeling that that's going to look like a stupid question - even to me in say a month's time . . .]

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Post #: 67

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 2:52:48 PM

LadyConstanze

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Because often the subbie wants play and doesn't realize that the top needs downtime...

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Post #: 68

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 3:54:16 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Because often the subbie wants play and doesn't realize that the top needs downtime...

Why? I mean, why can't they both just sit back and watch a film together? Talk about things, and stuff? Failing that, or if joint activity of any kind is a pain to her, why can't he just sod off on his own to do something?

I'm honestly baffled by this.

Maybe living as a bachelor for a fair while is actually good practice for a relationship, after all . . .

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Post #: 69

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 4:09:42 PM

MsStarlett

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Actually, yes it is.

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Post #: 70

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 4:14:24 PM

PeonForHer

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. . . Though, admittedly, you tend to end up visiting Mrs Palmer and her five daughters more than you ought.

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Post #: 71

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 4:17:05 PM

Venatrix

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

. . . Though, admittedly, you tend to end up visiting Mrs Palmer and her five daughters more than you ought.

Just so long as you arrive with a large fruitcake and a bottle of sherry, they shouldn't mind if you drop by frequently . . . .

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Post #: 72

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 4:19:16 PM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

. . . Though, admittedly, you tend to end up visiting Mrs Palmer and her five daughters more than you ought.

Just so long as you arrive with a large fruitcake and a bottle of sherry, they shouldn't mind if you drop by frequently . . . .

I think they appreciate a bit of lotion more ;)

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Post #: 73

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 5:56:19 PM

PeonForHer

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I'm a large fruitcake incarnate, V. The bottle of sherry I can swipe from Tesco's on the way.

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Post #: 74

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 5:57:56 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

. . . Though, admittedly, you tend to end up visiting Mrs Palmer and her five daughters more than you ought.

Just so long as you arrive with a large fruitcake and a bottle of sherry, they shouldn't mind if you drop by frequently . . . .

I think they appreciate a bit of lotion more ;)

No, no - lard usually works fine, Lady C. Mrs Palmer and her obliging daughters aren't fussy.

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Post #: 75

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/17/2008 8:10:06 PM

LadyHibiscus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Because often the subbie wants play and doesn't realize that the top needs downtime...

Why? I mean, why can't they both just sit back and watch a film together? Talk about things, and stuff? Failing that, or if joint activity of any kind is a pain to her, why can't he just sod off on his own to do something?

Peon, thank you for a much needed *snort*. I was getting out of practice.

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Post #: 76

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/18/2008 9:06:52 AM

undergroundsea

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
Seems that's clear, Sea. What I don't quite get is that surely there's still a non-D/s attraction/affection/love between partners in a nominally D/s relationship. Why doesn't that just "kick in" when the domina wants 'downtime'?

I would be happy to share my take on it.

As I introspect, I see different parts of me and identifying these parts has helped me understand what appeals to the different parts. I embrace each part and seeing each part has helped me in my path to define the sum of all these parts.

At a broad level, these different parts center on romance/companionship, spirituality, ego, and masochism. Romance/companionship seeks a companion-like connection, and to express and receive affection physically and emotionally. Spirituality spans matters beyond BDSM but within BDSM I find spiritual gratification in devotion and service. Ego is the component that everyone has that wishes for respect, self-expression, success and ambition, the want to be appreciated, etc. The component I call masochism seeks a subordinate status or discomfort.

I think the first three components are common across the general population, and masochism is the extra component. I attribute my interest in BDSM to what I call the masochism component. That said, a given activity that falls under BDSM might also carry appeal for other components. For instance, for me service touches each of the components.

Most of my BDSM experiences have had a romantic flavor. They have been more like how a man meets a woman but with a BDSM flavor to some of the activities, and BDSM activities in the mix. Indeed general social activities (conversation, watching movies, going out to eat, laughter, etc.) fall in this mix.

For some people, the focus is heavily on the masochism component. Sometimes this focus is temporary (with that one person) because other components are adequately fed. Sometimes this focus exists in general because this component overshadows the other components.

I have a few more thoughts about the focus of masochism, and the balance of masochism with the other components (which relates to the subject of this thread) at a later sitting.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 11/18/2008 9:14:10 AM >

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Post #: 77

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/18/2008 9:56:04 AM

undergroundsea

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quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea
Little notes or words uttered can also serve the purpose.

Notes? In what decade am I living?

I meant text messages! ;-)

So I have a few text messages I have received that convey dominance. My phone is starting to run out of text message memory but I simply cannot delete them from my phone! Pulling them up and reading them again helps me remember, feel, and savor the dynamic, which I have done many times over the past few days. In fact, I think I am going to go do it again right after I post this message ;-)

So submissives can also participate in what helps to have self feel submissive, and doing things to help the dominant feel dominant.

Cheers,

Sea

ps. Does anyone know if it is possible to transfer text messages to the SIM card so I can take them with me to the new phone? ;-) Ok, fine. I'll just forward them to myself before getting the new phone.

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 11/18/2008 10:06:04 AM >

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Post #: 78

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/18/2008 10:20:05 AM

PeonForHer

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Quick answer to your last query, off-subject, Sea, while I consider your longer answer above.

ps. Does anyone know if it is possible to transfer text messages to the SIM card so I can take them with me to the new phone?

You might have a lot less hassle transferring them to your computer hard drive. Should be possible via a USB connection from mobile to PC.

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Post #: 79

RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/18/2008 10:26:06 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Oh, I really don't want to derail the thread with a side note. That's been happening far too often lately with some really good threads, but I absolutely have to this time.

I would have to say, Sea, that you are not alone on the cell phone matter. One time a month, in order to get to My 'new' voicemails, I have to listen through the ones I have saved. Some of them are literally years old. I've kept one from each of the submissives that I felt were important in My life since moving here. The only one that is absent is My first slave. Call it My personal voicemail reference list, if you'd like. Among the little messages that I've kept:

"Hello Mistress <insert real name here>...... This is your boy."

"Hi Mistress, it's your pet."

"Good morning m'Lady. I just called to wish you luck today. I love you and miss you."

There are others, of course. That's just a sample. The point is, one time a month, I go back and listen to the voices of those who have given their submission to Me, think of them fondly, and appreciate the D/s structure that I had with each.

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Post #: 80

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