undergroundsea
Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
It's that phrase 'power distance' that's been bothering me. Now, I don't know what you mean by that, but I took it to imply a power relationship between a dominant who is at an emotional distance to you.
I first came across the term power distance in a social psychology course. It was used to describe cultures that have a greater difference in power or status between those who are at different levels of authority in an organization, or have different socioeconomic statuses. For instance, Japan is a power distant culture where one shows gestures of physical and verbal deference to those of a higher status. Australia, per that instructor, is not a power distant culture and it might be outside their customs to get in the back seat of a taxi instead of sitting in the passenger seat.
When I use this term in the context of BDSM, I suggest a distance in status and power. A classic servant role is a good example of such a dynamic. My draw to submission to lesbian couples stems from this idea.
While such a relationship does not have the same intimacy as a romantic D/s relationship, it does not have to be based on an emotional distance. The emotional connection can be more like that between an owner and pet. For some people, this connection supercedes the connection of a romantic relationship. For instance, I know of a relationship where a gay man is a master to a gay woman. She has a lover but her M/s relationship takes precedence over her relationship with her lover.
quote:
That's the masochistic tendency that cannot help but cause difficulties, it seems to me, because it's a kind of masochism that depends upon a level of "non-relationship" with the dominant.
I am currently enjoying submission to two women who are roommates. It is mostly service submission and this relationship focuses on the masochism component only (I consider a want to be submissive and a subservient status to come from what I define as my masochism component). It is not exclusive--I am dating others. It is somewhat new. And it is temporary. They will move in the near future. But I am enjoying the hell out of it.
Even though I am enjoying it, I cannot see this relationship as exclusive and long-term. It feeds only the masochism component and, perhaps, spirituality (the spiritual gratification I find in service). But, recognizing this relationship cannot be both long-term and exclusive, I am enjoying it for what it is and see value in it. So it is a non-relationship if one means that it is not an exclusive, romantic D/s relationship but it is a relationship which carries value.
I will add that I do feel a growing emotional connection towards them, and I sense the same in return.
In my opinion, a relationship that does not provide for all components cannot be exclusive and long-term without leaving a part of a person unfulfilled, which challenges the long-term potential for this relationship if it is made exclusive. I think one can still have such a relationship on a long-term basis if one can fulfill other components elsewhere. For instance, another recent introduction has inspired a sub to explore her dominance with me. Here, the dynamic is softer and leans more towards conventional romantic activity (going out dancing, kissing, cuddling) with mild D/s, which makes it a good complement to the other relationship. This woman is poly and has her submissive needs met elsewhere.
quote:
There are tones of this everywhere I've seen amongst subs. Those fantasies of a cold, remote queen, or of a goddess who's (by definition) inhuman - they all carry it. On the flip-side, dominas can tap into that desire for remoteness in a sub with, say, pictures of themselves looking remote and cold. But supposing this remoteness is at an extreme for both dominant and submissive? It must, surely, mean that its appeasement can't happen unless such a dominant and a submissive have almost nothing of a relationship between them!
Yes, I see the same.
I used to think this image carried its broad appeal because it made the submission seem more realistic and raw. Specifically, love can soften SM and, at some level, it might be easier to imagine or engage in SM outside a loving relationship based on equal status and power. I used to think that the appeal for this emotional distance is not for the sake of being treated coldly itself but for the sake of creating a dynamic that could allow for what was otherwise wanted (sadism) without hindrance.
I think even now much of the appeal comes from the above reason. However, I now think that some of the appeal--across individuals or even within the same individual--comes from emotional masochism that enjoys the cold treatment itself for sake of masochism.
Cheers,
Sea
< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 11/29/2008 7:45:41 PM >
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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 
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