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Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 4:13:39 AM   
Horne


Posts: 10
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline 		I became involved with a woman several months ago who was a recovering drug addict. We have made some great progress but it has not been easy. Along with it came a lot of other baggage. I was thinking the other day about it and thought if something happened that we were not together in the future, it was something I would probably never do again. We live in a small town of about 20,000. If anyone here knows something, eventually everyone does which means there has been a lot to deal with besides just the drugs. Perceptions are very hard to change. It doesn't help when much of a persons history is well known.

It makes me wonder what others see as deal breakers and where you look at someone and mentally say i think i will pass on this one. This is for Doms and subs, male or female. Does legal history matter to you, or sexual history, or history on personal things like habits, telling the truth, etc? I am not seeing it as a judgmental question as much as how much work you are willing to put into something before you even know that much about them.

  
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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 4:46:42 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Of course past behavior predicts future behavior.  I hope to find someone with a limited amount of skeletons (if any) hangin' in their closet.

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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 4:54:41 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I get to know people because I want to. Their history might become apparent over time along with everything else and it's an 'information input' that I'll incorporate into my overall perception of them.

Most relationships are based on cost/benefit, whatever type they are. The same set of circumstances with someone else could have you not having room for that person in your life and running for the hills. Usually there's something that keeps us pursuing friends or partners.

agirl



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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 4:55:19 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		As someone who's been around the block once or twice (or more!), I find that my criteria for choosing a partner get more stringent as time goes on.  This is not because I'm judgemental - it's because I learn from my mistakes, and try not to repeat them.

I will not spend time with someone who has a drug or alcohol problem.  I will not consider someone who has a history of lying or of sponging of someone financially.  I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have an aim or focus in life - aimless drifters frustrate the hell out of me.  I need to be with someone intelligent - that doesn't mean they have to have a degree, just that they are interested in the world around them and can hold a decent conversation.

Apart from that....lol

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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 5:11:52 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		at OP
I like people for who they are. Soem have problems. I try to help, but if they show no will to do something themselfs..I have to move on.
I can't handle friends ruining themselfs..when they have a choice. I can't allow myself to be dragged down with them.
It is hard to leave them...but you have too.
But on the positive side..soem learn and you see them getting their life back on track..and that is great to see.
Not to forget..if we have shit..we would like help too.

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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 5:19:21 AM   
cravesdom


Posts: 5219
Joined: 3/28/2008
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I have to agree with myotherself in that my criteria for choosing to enter into a long-term relationship with someone has changed over the years. I have learned from past mistakes that there are certain situations I just do not want to be in. Anyone who abuses drugs or alcohol would be a definite deal breaker. Anyone who has spent any time in prison would also be a deal breaker. Someone who cannot be honest with me is also not going to get far. And after divorcing my first husband, I would never again become involved with someone who would hit me in anger or emotionally or psychologically abuse me. I know sometimes those things don't surface until later in the relationship, but I would not hesitate to end things immediately if that were to happen. I stayed way too long with my ex hoping he would change. I won't make that mistake again.

One that some others might find funny is that I decided after my last serious relationship with a Dom who did not "do" oral sex (although he made sure he got it every single time we were together) that it was really important to me to not only be with someone who gave oral sex, but to be with someone who loved it as much as I love receiving it.



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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 5:32:20 AM   
DeferentialBaby2


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cravesdom

One that some others might find funny is that I decided after my last serious relationship with a Dom who did not "do" oral sex (although he made sure he got it every single time we were together) that it was really important to me to not only be with someone who gave oral sex, but to be with someone who loved it as much as I love receiving it.



That's funny. I find the opposite very close to a deal-breaker.  I just don't find men who advertise that they like  to "service" or please women in that way to be very erotically compatible. Makes me shudder,  but that's just a personal quirk. Now, if they don't mention it at any time, and they're dominant enough to hook/addict me to them, and then they suddenly spring this unwelcome little fact on me in bed on the first night and insist upon it...well, by that time it would likely be too late, at least in the kind of relationship I anticipate I'll wind up in.  But I will be feeling quite sorry for myself at that point! ;)

Something I look very at carefully and often find a deal breaker are other peoples' pets.

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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 7:26:22 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		everything matters to me; if they're a loser, in whatever sense of the word that defines, then they usually don't get close enough to me for any period of time for me to make them, 'history'

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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 7:36:06 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

where you look at someone and mentally say i think i will pass on this one


I do a criminal and financial background check on a new playmate, and if there is serious stuff - say your recovering drug addict has a drug dealing conviction - I'm out.

(in reply to Horne)
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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 7:44:39 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

how much work you are willing to put into something before you even know that much about them.


This comment in your post was of the most interest to me. For me it is putting the cart before the horse. I am not willing to put much of anything into the BDSM part of the relationship until I know quite a bit about them personally. Perhaps it is because this is not a casual thing for me (not that there is anything wrong with casual BDSM, it just isn't for me).

It is not just that I want to learn about their history, which is very important to me, I enjoy taking the time to learn about them. My attitude is if they were of interest enough to contact, even if we decide we are not a good match, it is quite likely I have made a new friend.

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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 8:12:13 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		If they're recovering/recovered from addiction I personally have no problem with that. It's in their past. It's made them who they are today but they are not the same person they were in the past. I will however keep it in the back of my mind so that I may be aware of it for the future in case they slip and we can deal with it together.

I have a lot of dealbreakers though. Everyone does.

Rudeness
Currently addicted
Atheist
Fundamentalist
Extreme
Submissive
Do not accept my child
Argumentative
Married
Poly

The list could go on and on. We all have dealbreakers.

(in reply to SirDominic)
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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 8:22:39 AM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		Alcoholism and drug-addiction are automatic deal breakers for me, no questions asked.   But I'm not a dom, maybe if I were, I might consider guiding, helping, and fixing someone if they wanted/needed my help that way.

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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 8:29:54 AM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		It highly depends upon that person really. If they are an active alcoholic or active drug addict, then yes I will pass as I will not try to compete with an active addiction. If that person is a recovering addict or alcoholic and has clean time then I see the person and not the drug addiction. That is the difference. 

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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 8:38:58 AM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Horne

I became involved with a woman several months ago who was a recovering drug addict. We have made some great progress but it has not been easy. Along with it came a lot of other baggage. I was thinking the other day about it and thought if something happened that we were not together in the future, it was something I would probably never do again. We live in a small town of about 20,000. If anyone here knows something, eventually everyone does which means there has been a lot to deal with besides just the drugs. Perceptions are very hard to change. It doesn't help when much of a persons history is well known.



Deal breakers are things that keep you from entering a relationship, or cause you to end the relationship upon discovery.  Sounds to me like you knew what you were getting in to well before you did so.  If you knew her history, as it appears so did everyone else, and it was not desirable to you, why did you get involved with her?  She can't erase her past, and certainly you knew that going in.
 
Everyone has something in their past they are not proud of, and a recovering addict or alcoholic may have more than the average joe.  But the most important word in your description of this person is the word "recovering", which means that she is making an effort to change not only her behaviors, but the deeper reasons that caused her behaviors.





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"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 8:40:24 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Horne

Perceptions are very hard to change. It doesn't help when much of a persons history is well known.

Does legal history matter to you, or sexual history, or history on personal things like habits, telling the truth, etc? I am not seeing it as a judgmental question as much as how much work you are willing to put into something before you even know that much about them.



Perceptions usually have some basis in reality, yet they are not written in concrete either. 
What I see will differ slightly from what you do, right?  So in a nut shell it seems what your asking to begin with is if
I'm going to accept anothers view as my own which I do not.  Sure sometimes it's been foolish not to.  But on the
other hand I've found that by making up my own mind I've experienced a person quite unlike what others have
warned me of. 

Now to take it past face value.  Legal history is important to me.  Although that too has to be viewed through
my own perspective, I cant not put 100% trust in the legal system either.  Sexual history?  Who am I to judge
anothers sexual history as long as they prove to me they have a clean bill of health?  (kinda have to trust the medical
system) But when it come to lying?  That takes time to see and or experience the delivery(s). 

I think it takes time, a lot of time to really get to know another.  I ignore small slips at the inception cause it also takes time to gain trust.  BUT .. given time too many slips will eat away at the fabric of any investment you've made. 
So, go slow .. watch ... listen ... then you'll know what your up against.  Only you can decide it's long term worth.   

(edited cause i forgot a plural)  duh


< Message edited by Quivver -- 11/16/2008 8:41:50 AM >

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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 8:42:40 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I have a similar take to what SirDominic has posted, I don't usually do casual and I need to get to know someone, and I mean really know someone, before we even get close to anything BDSM or D/s.

I try to look at things realistically. I'm 42 years old and I have a past, and therefore I assume so will the other person, together with various bits of emotional baggage, issues and so forth. Horses for courses so to speak. There are the basics, the amount of trust they inspire in me, confidence, how we communicate, whether we accept each other, understand each other, have similar requirements from life, and so on.

Certain things I pay more attention to, and this comes within the sphere of 'attitudes'. One such thing I look at is 'family', their relationship with their own family, or lack of it, or if there is no family what attempts have been made to create a family or a social circle. I also look at how they perceive people such as the poor and people who are less fortunate. How do they perceive and deal with adversity? Are they likely to walk and move on, or are they more likely to pitch in and work to making things better?

I look for a hierarchy of values or morals, whether it be religion, some sort of philosophy, whatever, and I always look for a sense of responsibility and a sense of personal integrity. Also how much in control are they of their own emotions and feelings?

I am like a chameleon, as an empath I pick up on the vibes of my surroundings and the people around me. If they are negative, I become negative, and I would much rather be positive. I also don't do personal conflict at all well, it makes me literally physically ill. I could never be with someone who is confrontational.

It really is all to do with things which begin with the letter 'C' - control, communication, contact, and cooperation. Everything else is secondary.

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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 9:02:24 AM   
theobserver


Posts: 456
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Horne

I became involved with a woman several months ago who was a recovering drug addict. We have made some great progress but it has not been easy. Along with it came a lot of other baggage. I was thinking the other day about it and thought if something happened that we were not together in the future, it was something I would probably never do again. We live in a small town of about 20,000. If anyone here knows something, eventually everyone does which means there has been a lot to deal with besides just the drugs. Perceptions are very hard to change. It doesn't help when much of a persons history is well known.

It makes me wonder what others see as deal breakers and where you look at someone and mentally say i think i will pass on this one. This is for Doms and subs, male or female. Does legal history matter to you, or sexual history, or history on personal things like habits, telling the truth, etc? I am not seeing it as a judgmental question as much as how much work you are willing to put into something before you even know that much about them.

 


It seems, to me, that drug addiction is a life long struggle. I would rather be involved with someone whose had a lot of clean  years in the rear view, rather than a recently recovering addict.

I think the latter would be a deal breaker.

An individual with a criminal background that includes, assault, rape, battery or some form of violence. For non-violent offenses, if they've been in and out of jail for during the same thing, that makes for a pattern (in my book) and therefore I would not want to deal with that either.

Compulsive lying and serial infidelity - a deal breaker.

Finally, a man that does not and will not work (as in ... a job) - a deal breaker.


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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 9:16:43 AM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline 		I've really never thought about this before.  Not and then tried to put it into words anyway.

There are people who memo me who I discount immediatly, usually if you can't string sentences together or don't treat me with the respect I think should be afforded to every human being.  Regardless of my status in the relationship, I should be respected, as a person, and don't want to be with someone who doesn't share that view.

I'd echo current addicts, and add "people with serious mental illnesses".  I know that's a bit pot-kettle wrt mental illness, but, mine are managed and as such not serious.  If you're the kind of person who is going to require me to control your medication to stop you ODing, or get out the plastic knives and forks so you don't self harm, I'm not strong enough to have a relationship with you, and chances are that's going to preclude friendship also.

A weirder one, if all of us don't feel comfortable with whomever, the relationship won't progress past friendship.

Doorbell, guess I might come back to this.

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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 9:22:10 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I love the way Stella expressed things in her post.  She could have been taking dictation for me, if I were as eloquent that is. 

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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 9:34:31 AM   
Horne


Posts: 10
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

quote:

ORIGINAL: Horne

I became involved with a woman several months ago who was a recovering drug addict. We have made some great progress but it has not been easy. Along with it came a lot of other baggage. I was thinking the other day about it and thought if something happened that we were not together in the future, it was something I would probably never do again. We live in a small town of about 20,000. If anyone here knows something, eventually everyone does which means there has been a lot to deal with besides just the drugs. Perceptions are very hard to change. It doesn't help when much of a persons history is well known.



Deal breakers are things that keep you from entering a relationship, or cause you to end the relationship upon discovery.  Sounds to me like you knew what you were getting in to well before you did so.  If you knew her history, as it appears so did everyone else, and it was not desirable to you, why did you get involved with her?  She can't erase her past, and certainly you knew that going in.
 
Everyone has something in their past they are not proud of, and a recovering addict or alcoholic may have more than the average joe.  But the most important word in your description of this person is the word "recovering", which means that she is making an effort to change not only her behaviors, but the deeper reasons that caused her behaviors.






I'm not sure what you're asking and more importantly, why you're asking. I'll read back over my original to see where I was whining or complaining about my relationship because that isn't the intent. I knew what I was getting into and I'm not sorry for it. Yes, you're right, recovering is an important word and will have an on-going importance, But having been through it once, it's not something I think I would want to do again. I mean there were and probably will be some rough days. I stay with it because of the feeling between us and what it means to us. If that should ever end however, I would look long and hard at a similar situation before entering another - and that was the intent of the post.

What do you look long and hard at - aside from words that aren't in posts.


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