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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 9:42:56 AM   
littlemissmira


Posts: 16
Joined: 11/9/2008
Status: offline 		woah - this whole thread has had my mind swinging in all directions.!

i myself am a recovering addict - coming up for 2 years now - it is something that i am indeed now incredibly proud of and have never made an attempt to hide.  for me it has taken great strength and resolve to overcome and has meant taking a good hard look at myself (never easy) and the reasoning that took me there in the first place.  this is my defensive part of the post as parts of what have been insinuated here have made me feel this way......

having said that - i fully appreciate the concerns and thoughts that others would have about my past life style and if someone from the start said that they could or would not get involved with someone who had had such issues then naturally they would be respected. however in response i would say that those that have worked through a 12 step programme of some design are probably far more in tune with themselves than many non addicts/alcoholics who haven't....

anyway - a mini rant from me - slightly off topic but it made my fingers want to tap!

Mira
xx

< Message edited by littlemissmira -- 11/16/2008 9:51:00 AM >

(in reply to Horne)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 9:55:49 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The Man won't get involved with a smoker. That's a deal breaker for him. I won't get involved with anyone in recovery because I've seen very few ever really get over it, but instead they battle it every day. There's more to being sober than not drinking, and someone who needs to spend most of their free time with other recovering addicts isn't someone who can spend that free time with me. I know some people who are fine going to one meeting a week, but more who need to go to several. I'm not interested in taking second place emotionally to anyone or anything.

So for me, that's a dealbreaker. For others, any past history of mental or emotional illness is a dealbreaker. I've suffered from depression and for those people, I'm not compatible because I'm too needy. Which is fine.

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(in reply to Horne)
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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 10:08:03 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		There are too many "it depends" for me to list things as set in stone.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 10:29:08 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Be self sufficient
Be intelligent
Be nice to my cat

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 10:31:00 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Horne

It makes me wonder what others see as deal breakers and where you look at someone and mentally say i think i will pass on this one. 



I'd take it on a case by case basis, but generally speaking I'm an easy life sort of person; I don't have the time or the inclination to sort out a serious issue (e.g. addiction). I suppose I expect to be served, rather than have to guide someone through the basics of life (e.g. steer clear from addiction and the spiral of self-destruction).

quote:

ORIGINAL: Horne

Does legal history matter to you, or sexual history



Assuming there is no STD, nor ongoing, drawn-out court proceedings, the answer is no; I'll judge the here and now.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Horne

telling the truth
 


The old saying: "you can't break the habit of a life-time", isn't my code of practice, but my patience has limits.

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Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 10:49:43 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I won't get involved with anyone in recovery because I've seen very few ever really get over it, but instead they battle it every day. There's more to being sober than not drinking (snip)


I was trying to figure out how to put that into words, Des, and you did it for me perfectly.  There are some people that I know that are recovering addicts, some with lots of years clean/sober, but they all have a few things in common.  It seems that they just can't get their life together, they're always financially challenged, there is always some sort of crisis, etc.  I work with a woman like this, and some days I have to wonder if she isn't using again because she just can't get her life together.  She can't manage her money, she can't manage her children, I'm surprised she still has a job because her on-time attendance record is spotty at best, etc., etc.

Before anyone jumps my case, I'm not saying ALL recovering addicts are like this, I'm sure that there are plenty who have turned their life around.  I'm saying that the ones that I know in real life are not like that.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 10:52:18 AM   
theobserver


Posts: 456
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Be self sufficient
Be intelligent
Be nice to my cat


oops ... cats, deal breaker!


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It is left up to the reader to decipher & determine this post's validity.


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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 11:01:37 AM   
theobserver


Posts: 456
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I won't get involved with anyone in recovery because I've seen very few ever really get over it, but instead they battle it every day. There's more to being sober than not drinking (snip)


I was trying to figure out how to put that into words, Des, and you did it for me perfectly.  There are some people that I know that are recovering addicts, some with lots of years clean/sober, but they all have a few things in common.  It seems that they just can't get their life together, they're always financially challenged, there is always some sort of crisis, etc.  I work with a woman like this, and some days I have to wonder if she isn't using again because she just can't get her life together.  She can't manage her money, she can't manage her children, I'm surprised she still has a job because her on-time attendance record is spotty at best, etc., etc.

Before anyone jumps my case, I'm not saying ALL recovering addicts are like this, I'm sure that there are plenty who have turned their life around.  I'm saying that the ones that I know in real life are not like that.

Cali



I kind of agree with what you are saying. Others here have mentioned that it's really up to the individual's tolerance level.

If you have had people close to in the past with drug addictions  and have witnessed the devastation and aftermath of drug abuse on a family and friendship, it would seem pretty natural to not want to be involved in a romantic relationship that could potentially bring those kinds of challenges. As I stated before, it is a long long struggle and I think each individual has the right to determine if that's one they can handle being a part of.


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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 11:08:31 AM   
Sundowner


Posts: 2549
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

at OP
I like people for who they are. Soem have problems. I try to help, but if they show no will to do something themselfs..I have to move on.
I can't handle friends ruining themselfs..when they have a choice. I can't allow myself to be dragged down with them.
It is hard to leave them...but you have too.
But on the positive side..soem learn and you see them getting their life back on track..and that is great to see.
Not to forget..if we have shit..we would like help too.


      


I'm lucky enough that I'm not over-likely to meet too many practising or ex drug addicts or serial criminals, although you never know; but I often start from a slightly different direction - can they put up with me? If we get over that hurdle and seem to like each other then hey, we're already gentle friends and I like having lots of friends.

But the next stage of moving to becoming close or special friends or even something more is another matter and there it's just as JD said - I too like people for who they are.

I can't be arsed to go seeking - at outset - that special someone who is as close to my take on perfection as possible. That way lies disappointment (and - ghastly horror - maybe even checking them out first!). Far better in my book to take ppl as you find them, become friends and then go beyond that if you both want to or gently drift apart again if that's best. It means lots of nice friends (and it's fine if some of them are pretty shallow and casual friendships) but very few emotional fuck-ups (on either side)  

(in reply to JustDarkness)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 11:28:31 AM   
littlemissmira


Posts: 16
Joined: 11/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I won't get involved with anyone in recovery because I've seen very few ever really get over it, but instead they battle it every day. There's more to being sober than not drinking (snip)


I was trying to figure out how to put that into words, Des, and you did it for me perfectly.  There are some people that I know that are recovering addicts, some with lots of years clean/sober, but they all have a few things in common.  It seems that they just can't get their life together, they're always financially challenged, there is always some sort of crisis, etc.  I work with a woman like this, and some days I have to wonder if she isn't using again because she just can't get her life together.  She can't manage her money, she can't manage her children, I'm surprised she still has a job because her on-time attendance record is spotty at best, etc., etc.

Before anyone jumps my case, I'm not saying ALL recovering addicts are like this, I'm sure that there are plenty who have turned their life around.  I'm saying that the ones that I know in real life are not like that.

Cali



Aaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh!

perhaps you need to go and chat to a few others Calif....

i have my life in order - am richer than i ever used to be in financial terms, but hey no real surprise there as i am not spewing my cash up my nose!  my only crisis in life is my family and their various medical woes.... oh and i am alway at work early and bloody good at my job!

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 12:10:27 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		I'll play with someone with very little knowledge about them as a person... no more than I would require for someone I was piercing at a studio or whatever... however, if that person wants to serve the household, and wants to get into our lives, or if that person actually is being considered to be a part of our household, I have much higher expectations.

Typically, I don't give two craps about what someone else says about a person, and I don't worry about 'what the neighbors will think'... I didn't worry about it when I lived in a town of ~11,000, and I don't worry about it in a city of ~4 million. However, we have a -very long- probationary period for a reason. Almost anyone can hide their issues or attitude problems for 3 months. A smaller, but still substantial group can hide their issues for 6 months. Very few people can hold out for a year without an issue coming to light, and we haven't met anyone yet who could hold out 2 years without the things that could damage a family coming to light. If they've survived 2+ years with us, and we can handle their baggage without it crushing the family, then no matter what that baggage is, we'll probably be fine with it as long as they are shouldering their part of the load as well.

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to Horne)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 12:16:20 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlemissmira

Aaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh! perhaps you need to go and chat to a few others Calif....



Well, obviously I don't know you in real life and my post had nothing to do with you.  Why would you express frustration at my observations of people I know in real life?  I said it didn't apply to everybody.  Congratulations on turning your life around.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to littlemissmira)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 1:01:25 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		I just look at the person as a whole..and as long as they tell me up front  [lets  give them time to know me first],but at 51, I can usually tell when come one is lying or trying to cover something up.

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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 1:09:12 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I might consider guiding, helping, and fixing someone if they wanted/needed my help that way.


That is the trouble - addicts can only fix themselves. An addict will lie to you on a consistent basis, it becomes a way of life for them, and they get really good at it. Don't even try, is my mantra.

(in reply to marie2)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 1:15:01 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

those that have worked through a 12 step programme of some design are probably far more in tune with themselves


See, much though I respect what you have achieved, don't get me wrong, what you said is simply not true. I once attended, as part of research, an AA meeting, local to my rural home, and found out there are rivers of people for whom the 12 step programme is a recurring event - veterans in particular, I noticed. Really bad cycle. So, while what you say certainly has merit, some manage, but others fall off the wagon - repeatedly. And we poor sods would have to figure out which is which. With the risk that we run into a recurring addict, who is a master at deception.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 1:17:04 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

oops ... cats, deal breaker!


Same here, plus plus. Basically anything that licks its ass before it licks your face is out.

(in reply to theobserver)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 1:29:49 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Good for you littlemissmira.
The problem is changing one addiction for another.
Lets face it how many of us are addicted to BDSM lol?
My main deal breaker is anyone who isn't prepared to try anything new.
Dishonesty of any kind.
Lack of basic intelligence which means for me the inability to see cause and effect and the inability to learn and change.
I could go on and on. The list is endless.
Now I know why I haven't got a sub.



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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 1:31:55 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

Same here, plus plus. Basically anything that licks its ass before it licks your face is out.


Dammit, and I did all that bending and reaching all circus freak style and everything.  

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 1:38:15 PM   
subenchanted


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/30/2008
Status: offline 		Someone who describes a dozen or so women, only some of whom were ex-lovers, who have treated him very badly is off the table. Very badly as in "groundless" restraining orders, alleged stalking, filing false police charges, prosecuting him with no evidence, and so forth.

Having financial difficulties isn't a deal-breaker in the sense that I would look down on him, given what is going on is this country right now, but I might wonder whether it's the right time to be looking into starting a potentially serious relationship.

(in reply to Horne)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 2:20:00 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlemissmira
i have my life in order - am richer than i ever used to be in financial terms, but hey no real surprise there as i am not spewing my cash up my nose!  my only crisis in life is my family and their various medical woes.... oh and i am alway at work early and bloody good at my job!



Congratulations to you, littlemissmira!  Same here.  As others have said, many recovering addicts have many other battles to fight.  They did when they became addicts and those other battles didn't end with a magic wand nor did their drug use.  It's hard to kick a bad habit of any kind, especially hard drugs.

As with you, I have done it.  I am one of the fortunate ones who had a good family and a good foundation before becoming a junkie and still had that once I came out on the other side.  I was a great student, a conscientious employee and just a damn hard worker up to and even DURING most of my battle with my addiction.  Nothing changed now that I'm no longer shooting up.  I'm once again all those things and more.  I'm successful and happy and fulfilled as you seem to be.  I know that you and I are the exceptions to the rule. 

However, my feelings are that many more people who were NEVER addicts and NEVER will be have those other types of chronic problems that were alluded to in other posts - i.e - always late, not dependable, etc.  In other words, there's always some drama or problem to overcome or deal with.  I've seen that in many people, most of which never touched illicit drugs.  I've worked with several of them and it's not something I'd choose to have in my personal life on a daily basis.

So, in a nutshell, yeah addicts (even recovering ones) have other issues many times.  But so do many, many others who never even thought about being an addict (except to drama).  THAT is what I eschew, former addict or not....................luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 11/16/2008 2:21:00 PM >

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