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RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 2:27:19 PM

greeneyedreamer

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
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quote:

But I'm not a dom, maybe if I were, I might consider guiding, helping, and fixing someone if they wanted/needed my help that way.

You can't fix people... you can support. They can fix themselves...

Dreamer

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 41

RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 3:46:46 PM

IvyMorgan

Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline

I think I need to add "owns or wants to own a dog" to the list.

And, "wants to have biological children with me" as well.

(in reply to greeneyedreamer)

Post #: 42

RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 3:47:27 PM

tweedydaddy

Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

I take everybody as I find them, I would never presume to judge anyone on anything other than how they are with me.
I have deal breakers though, heavy drinking and mean behaviour, jealousy and stealing will make me drop somebody. If any subbie tried to get betwen me and Ladylove they would soon be up the road.

(in reply to Horne)

Post #: 43

RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 3:59:08 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Mira, you're all of 2 years clean and sober. Assuming you followed basic advice, you shouldn't have even started looking for a partner of any kind until one year ago. Come back in 20 years and tell me how many slips you've had. Tell me then how many meetings a week you still need to go to. Whether you can handle difficult family gatherings with people who knew you when and push all your buttons and if you don't need to leave early and hit a meeting, see your sponsor etc and to hell with your spouse's and offspring's needs to spend the time relaxed visiting with the same family that drives you batty.

I'm talking about your emotional priorities; if your sobriety needs are high maintenance then I don't want to deal with you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 44

RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 4:38:17 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

There are only two kinds of examples in recovery...

Good examples....Bad examples. I am not talking bad as in being dirty or drunk...

By reading your posts it appears you have encountered your share of bad...examples.

Thats a bummer....

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 45

RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 4:39:13 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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What if they're nice to the cat but it's not nice to them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Be self sufficient
Be intelligent
Be nice to my cat

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 46

RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 5:29:15 PM

MsFlutter

Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Horne

It makes me wonder what others see as deal breakers and where you look at someone and mentally say i think i will pass on this one. This is for Doms and subs, male or female. Does legal history matter to you, or sexual history, or history on personal things like habits, telling the truth, etc? I am not seeing it as a judgmental question as much as how much work you are willing to put into something before you even know that much about them.

To all the dealbreakers already articulated, I would have to add:

co-dependent/needy (aka a tendency to suck all the oxygen out of my environment)
behaviorally inconsistent
reckless driver (the ex almost killed me being stupid on 4 wheels)
noisy / loud / inconsiderate
oh..and I learned a most painful lesson that 'addicts dont have relationships - they take hostages'

< Message edited by MsFlutter -- 11/16/2008 6:06:02 PM >

_____________________________

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"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to Horne)

Post #: 47

RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 5:31:40 PM

ExKat

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline

~fast reply~

Deal-breakers for me include: smoking, any illegal drug use, children (for now, just 'cause we're young and not there in our lives yet), past marriages (again 'cause we're young), other super-freaky shit from their past.

_____________________________

~*~ The amalgam of Exquemelin and Katie978~*~
In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
"That's the plan/ Rule the world/ You and me/ Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to Horne)

Post #: 48

RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 5:55:55 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
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Having paid my dues with an alcoholic ex-spouse, I'm not about to give anyone else the chance to take me down that road again.

Based on the actions of just about every male that's crossed paths with me the past few years, it's getting to the point where having testicles is a deal-breaker.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to ExKat)

Post #: 49

RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 6:00:45 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Mira, you're all of 2 years clean and sober. Assuming you followed basic advice, you shouldn't have even started looking for a partner of any kind until one year ago. Come back in 20 years and tell me how many slips you've had. Tell me then how many meetings a week you still need to go to. Whether you can handle difficult family gatherings with people who knew you when and push all your buttons and if you don't need to leave early and hit a meeting, see your sponsor etc and to hell with your spouse's and offspring's needs to spend the time relaxed visiting with the same family that drives you batty.

I'm talking about your emotional priorities; if your sobriety needs are high maintenance then I don't want to deal with you.

This is like something out of a pamphlet or textbook. It sounds right but doesn't really apply to reality all that well. I'm "all of" 6 years "clean and sober." I haven't had any slips and don't anticipate any over the next 20 or so. I never went to one single meeting, I don't need to run and get support from a circle of other addicts to deal with my pwoblems, and I think it's simplistic, ludicrous and flat out wrong to assume all addicts do.

"People pushing my buttons" is not why I became a junkie and it's certainly not a reason to go back to being one. I know you're just saying what you think you're supposed to but I'm telling you as someone who was a big a junkie as ever existed, twelve step programs and touchy feely meetings aren't necessary nor are the timelines and schedules of others, especially those who've never been there.

Mira, "all of 2 years clean and sober" is a fucking HUGE accomplishment. That's 730 + days you've chosen to not use. Congratulations! You've really done something to be proud of

.........................luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 50

RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 6:17:09 PM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

As a person who's circle of friends includes several people in the program, most are successful in staying clean and sober. Some have 18 months clean time and my ex lover has 27 years of clean time. Most of these friends haven't backslid into drugging or drinking and do hold good jobs and have straightened out their lives. Yet like any other part of society there are some who aren't able to to and keep falling off the wagon. I do have a large amount of admiration for a recovering addict who has 1 year or 30 years of clean time. To me that shows they work on themselves and they work the program in a way that suits them. The best advice I heard from a recovering addict is "each has to work the program in their own way"

_____________________________

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(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 51

RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 10:12:27 PM

loveandlight87

Posts: 110
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

As far as addicts in recovery, I have no issue with this assuming the person is functional in the world and has evidenced growth and wisdom from the process of addiction and recovery. While I had the great fortune of not crossing over into actual addiction, my past is (as it states in my profile) colorful and checkered. Some cannot handle it, but most see it as a major lesson learning adventure. It was.

I’m not sure I would want someone without a past. How do you know what someone is made of unless they have walked through the fire and made it to the other side? I want someone whose mettle has been tested and found strong myself.

But to answer the OP, my dealbreakers would include:

Practicing alcoholism
Current illegal drug use of any kind. (including abuse of prescription medication)
Financially dependant (jobless and/or can’t take care of themselves)
Mean-spirited
Irrational or uncontrollable anger
Negativity
Frequent rudeness

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 52

RE: Deal breakers - 11/16/2008 10:14:44 PM

babygirlkitten

Posts: 66
Joined: 10/25/2008
From: Manhattan
Status: offline

I myself wouldn't date someone with a recent drug past. There is just so much work invovled in recovery, and I think a relationship would detract from the work they need to do in that regard. A current substance abuser, also, would be a no go. I'd hate to be putting myself in the hands of someone who could have their better judgement impared.

Liars, obviously, are not my think. I don't think anyone says, "You know what I really love? Liars." The first time I get a purposeful lie out of someone, I'm out the door. This also translates to cheating. If we have an arrangement that was mutally agreed on, such as monogamy, or specific polyamorous rules, and you break them? Out the door.

Abuse of any kind I don't tolerate, mental or physical.

(in reply to Horne)

Post #: 53

RE: Deal breakers - 11/17/2008 4:17:48 AM

WhiplashSmile2

Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

Somebody who blacks out when drinking and becomes violent and abusive. That's a deal breaker for me.

(in reply to Horne)

Post #: 54

RE: Deal breakers - 11/17/2008 10:40:44 AM

littlemissmira

Posts: 16
Joined: 11/9/2008
Status: offline

luci - this girl could hug you as you put all her thoughts into the written word.... and congrats to you on your 6 years!

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 55

RE: Deal breakers - 11/17/2008 10:55:19 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Horne asked:
It makes me wonder what others see as deal breakers and where you look at someone and mentally say i think i will pass on this one.... Does legal history matter to you, or sexual history, or history on personal things like habits, telling the truth, etc?

In truth, each individual represents their own package deal. There are certainly some things that count as serious negatives in my mind, but then again, there are other things that count as serious positives. For the most part, few things would be considered an automatic deal breaker by me. But there are things that, if present, would make it so that it'd be very unlikely I ever noticed the person at all. I need my partners to, in general, have their act together and they need to have a fair amount of self-awareness and personal strength & courage. People who don't have those attributes don't generally make it onto my radar at all.

quote:

I am not seeing it as a judgmental question as much as how much work you are willing to put into something before you even know that much about them.

My view on relationships is that love is no place for the weak -- go large or go home. So if I'm attracted to someone at all (which generally only happens after months of conversation), then I'm pretty much in for the long haul. Sometimes that works out, sometimes not. But I'm a big boy and I can take the scrapes and bruises and I prefer to maximize the potential of every chance meeting.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Horne)

Post #: 56

RE: Deal breakers - 11/17/2008 12:05:06 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Horne
I became involved with a woman several months ago who was a recovering drug addict. We have made some great progress but it has not been easy. Along with it came a lot of other baggage. I was thinking the other day about it and thought if something happened that we were not together in the future, it was something I would probably never do again. We live in a small town of about 20,000. If anyone here knows something, eventually everyone does which means there has been a lot to deal with besides just the drugs. Perceptions are very hard to change. It doesn't help when much of a persons history is well known.
It makes me wonder what others see as deal breakers and where you look at someone and mentally say i think i will pass on this one. This is for Doms and subs, male or female. Does legal history matter to you, or sexual history, or history on personal things like habits, telling the truth, etc? I am not seeing it as a judgmental question as much as how much work you are willing to put into something before you even know that much about them.

I think that it's easy to look back at a thing and say "never again" to yourself, or to consider a trait and think, "I'd never get involved with someone who had X in their past" or whatever but I've come to know that the totality of a person can override those details, and some details that might wig me out initially may come to be something that I appreciate in a positive or at least depthfully understood way about the person. Sometimes things that seem negative are. There are some things I view as so morally reprehensible that they relegate the person to'surplus population' and certainly not partner material (Like um or animal abuse, being a rapist, etc.) but most bumps in the road, I might consider if the overall person seemed worthy of melding my life/energies with.
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to Horne)

Post #: 57

RE: Deal breakers - 11/17/2008 12:14:42 PM

Aynne88

Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline

How do any of us at a certain age not have a past? Skeletons sometimes are what make us interesting and what about that old adage, careful when you try to kill all my demons, my angels might go with them too? Pretty much.
My only deal breaker is voting Republican.

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 58

RE: Deal breakers - 11/17/2008 8:16:58 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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Okay, so I just gave this thread a more thorough read (Avoiding billable work, yes I am) and I am going to comment on the bashing of folks in recovery. I am not in recovery. I have never been in recovery. I have my vices, my vices do not have me. No, I don't think I'm in denial (About that, at least). I have my biology and my biology predisposes me to addiction and thus I am all-the-more-diligent about keeping ahold of my vices. I hail from a biological history fraught with addicts and have all of the familial typicalities that accompany that. The picture ain't nearly so pretty as that clinical verbeage sounds. My fuse is low for those who do not attenuate their vices, particularly when they are close with me. I have also seen, in family and in work, many, many, many people 12-stepping throughout the years and won't even begin to talk about the horrible statistics AA and NA have for success or its lack of scientific basis and religious bias or how people turn that (Or some aspect that they grab onto within 12-step into an addiction). Did I convey a fairly strong bias against 12-step there? Good, that was my intent.
So, awhile back, I met this dude who was really rockin' cool :> and as we were talking, talking about lots of things, bein' real people with one another (I'm pretty fond of that and was really fond of bein' a real person with him) talking about our histories (And, mine isn't picture perfect and in some ways that might send some people a-screamin' into the sunset; to his credit, none of my 'stuff' sent him running off preemptively) and his involvement in said program came up. We'd been speaking for awhile, so I had a sense of him already and my b.s. detector hadn't gone off. 12-step disclosure; something of a mental "aaw, sh!t < twitch >" happened because of my family history and my bias. This person wasn't either of those things, though; this person was a real, live human being being whose words on that matter and whose words to that point had rung true, matter-of-fact, and open. Choice time: am I going to let a bias and a fear rule me or am I going to accept this person who appears to have been straight-forward to date, was straight up about that matter, and who I liked very much already by that early point; he was one of the most down-to-earth people I ever had the pleasure of meeting. I chose to accept the person and it wasn't a hard choice but, it was a deliberate one. His history is pretty freakin' awesome, and he and several people I came to know through my association with said individual have given a more positive color to the afore-mentioned recovery program, though (And I'm not sure I've ever said it to him or not but I'll say it now) I credit his (and their) tenacity against said issues with their on-going sobriety but I acknowledge, too, their respect for the program that provided the path for them. The person I spoke of isn't just that facet of their life, not by a long-shot. That detail is a part of the person. The person is a really groovy dude and there's lots more to him than that. Had I judged him based on that or some other detail or he judged me on some 'red flag' issue from my past, we'd have never gotten to know one another better and that would have been seriously uncool. So, a lot of folks who've been going on about the recovery thing, yes, relapses can and do happen with some folks, with lots of folks: to each his or her own, but everyone really is an individual and, I just wanted to take a few to give voice to understanding that that particular issue has caused a lot of us pain in our lives (Be it through family/loved ones or ourselves) but failure isn't a forgone conclusion and recovery status need not be the sum total of what a person has to offer, and I was just feeling a soft spot for those who have that among their issues who are getting bashed a bunch on this thread. We all have something bash-able; take care. We're all individuals. :>
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to Aynne88)

Post #: 59

RE: Deal breakers - 11/17/2008 8:55:56 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I must have missed all the bashing; I thought we were all discussing personal deal-breakers.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 60

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