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ORIGINAL: myotherself

As someone who's been around the block once or twice (or more!), I find that my criteria for choosing a partner get more stringent as time goes on.  This is not because I'm judgemental - it's because I learn from my mistakes, and try not to repeat them.

I will not spend time with someone who has a drug or alcohol problem.  I will not consider someone who has a history of lying or of sponging of someone financially.  I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have an aim or focus in life - aimless drifters frustrate the hell out of me.  I need to be with someone intelligent - that doesn't mean they have to have a degree, just that they are interested in the world around them and can hold a decent conversation.

Apart from that....lol

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ORIGINAL: DavanKael

Hi, Cali----
I am not the thought-police, nor was I spanking anyone (In a fun way or otherwise), just offering my own commentary and perspective on some perceived bashing.  Please feel free to bash my anti-bashing, if you wish. 

And, Aynne88, I loved your comment:  "...careful when you try to kill all my demons, my angels might go with them too." 

I'm a big fan of turning demons into pets rather than banishing them.  :> 
Davan

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ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

What if they're nice to the cat but it's not nice to them.

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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Be self sufficient
Be intelligent
Be nice to my cat

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ORIGINAL: CalifChick

I must have missed all the bashing; I thought we were all discussing personal deal-breakers.


Cali

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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

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ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

What if they're nice to the cat but it's not nice to them.

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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Be self sufficient
Be intelligent
Be nice to my cat

Viktor is nice to everyone

On the subject of addicts, color me naive but I'm surprised at some of the commentary I'm seeing. Let's see, I have an uncle who is 40 years sober and who has done quite well for himself. He not only attends weekly AA meetings but has served as a sponsor to dozens. He owns an apartment complex in Silicon Valley, which is on the same street as a school, and he can often be found reading to the little ones or talking to them as they walk home from school. My Dad was sober 32 years when he died, was retired from a prestigious position in which he often went to DC to consult with top government officials, and never attended recovery meetings. My sister has been sober for....hmm...10 years or so, I think. Attends meetings regularly, is a loving step mother to 5 children and has a teaching position at a local high school. My brother has been sober 20 years, attends meetings, has been a sponsor to many, owns a 2300 square foot home and is a fantastic father to two beautiful daughters. The man I'm currently seeing has been sober for 20 years, owns a home in Hawaii, holds a Masters degree in psychotherapy and is currently a recovery therapist. One of my closest friends has been sober for 8 years, goes to several meetings a week but more for the point of helping others. She holds a valuable position in her organization and single-handedly raised two munchkins who are doing quite well for themselves as adults. One of my closest friends is a certified christian counselor who focuses on recovery. She is a senior analyst at her company and is one of the most loving people I know.

None of the above have slipped since becoming sober. All of the above were extremely dedicated to creating a life for themselves that they could be proud of. All of the above are doing quite well for themselves. And this is just a few people in my inner circle.

Maybe people only hear about the ones who go back to using, because the ones who succeed get on with their lives.

To those who have recovered and took the added step to deal with the psychological issues that many users have, I applaud you. I have no issue giving my heart to such people, as they probably have more strength and will power than I do. Definitely not a deal breaker for me.

Oh and antipode, my cat has never licked my face.

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ORIGINAL: Horne

It makes me wonder what others see as deal breakers and where you look at someone and mentally say i think i will pass on this one. This is for Doms and subs, male or female. Does legal history matter to you, or sexual history, or history on personal things like habits, telling the truth, etc? I am not seeing it as a judgmental question as much as how much work you are willing to put into something before you even know that much about them. 

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ORIGINAL: Icarys

Maybe it's a deal breaker because they just don't know how to deal.

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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

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ORIGINAL: Icarys

Maybe it's a deal breaker because they just don't know how to deal.

Or maybe it's a deal breaker because they don't want to deal with this particular situation. Either is understandable. My confusion was in the idea that recovering addicts have ongoing problems throughout their lives (beyond the "norm"), and don't lead productive and fulfilling lives.

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ORIGINAL: CalifChick
Are recovering addicts that aren't doing so hot giving other addicts a bad name or something?? 

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ORIGINAL: Icarys

In some cases I would agree but to me some just seem short sided and or petty. If someone shows me in their actions that they either have changed or want to and have what it takes to change, I'll give it a shot. One of the things I use to say was "I don't care what you've done in your past..I care only what you intend to do with your future"

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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

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ORIGINAL: Icarys

In some cases I would agree but to me some just seem short sided and or petty. If someone shows me in their actions that they either have changed or want to and have what it takes to change, I'll give it a shot. One of the things I use to say was "I don't care what you've done in your past..I care only what you intend to do with your future"

I suppose one person's pettiness is another person's values, and I don't expect everyone to be in sync with both.

Your past/future quote has credence but there are times, of course, when a person repeats the past, regardless of intentions. That's why I see an issue like addiction as subjective. It depends on the person, circumstances, etc. In my personal circle, when it comes to addiction, those who strived to not give it power over themselves have succeeded. In some of those cases, it is a daily inward battle, yet they still overcome.

As to the comments made about going to recovery meetings and putting meetings above partners and families, I see that differently as well. The person is putting him/herself first, as it should be. I would hope that any loving partner of mine would be supportive if I needed therapy, or a doctor's visit, or to throw clay or meditate or bike ride - whatever is therapeutic for me and helps me thrive as a person. I suppose one of my lines in the sand would be someone who didn't want to allow me to be who I am, or to pursue what I need to, to thrive. In the cases of recovering addicts attending meetings, they are behaving with their families as a priority, in doing what they must to remain healthy for all.

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ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

I just wanted to sneak back in and  point out something here. If you are too focused in trying to connect, when it is evident that the connection isn't there, you may miss out on recognizing the absolutely fabulous opportunity that was just around the corner.  Dealbreakers are like signs signalling a change in seasons.  You can keep trying to sow your seeds, despite all evidence of it being a bad idea, but why would you want to?