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My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 3:44:34 PM

CatdeMedici

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then perhaps you aren't ready for this life? Ok I thought alot about this, where to post it as I think if effects F/m more than M/f--but then maybe not, so I have posted it here to get everyone's opinion and I hope I word this well-this does not address bedroom antics or play ( although it may with play in a public dungeon)...

What really annoys Me are adults who in the first five sentences say: " No one must know as I have a XXX job" OR" My friends and family must never know".

Last time I looked except for the exceptional few---I haven't seen people being dragged into holiday family dinner naked and at the end of a leash. I haven't seen BDSM as a section on a job app to complete experience. And most times in public, and D/s activity or relationships are so subtle, the casual observer would never guess--We all have things at stake here, but if you are so worried, why the hell are you here?

I'd like thoughts as I am sure My perception is a bit jaded, as I am very comfortable in My skin.

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 3:56:33 PM

Aileen1968

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I am quite ready for this life. In fact I'm immersed in it, but my friends and family can never find out because it is sexual for me and my sex life is private. I feel no need to share what I do in private with any of them. It's none of their business and it doesn't reflect my comfort with myself at all. I'm very comfortable.

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 3:57:03 PM

toddlefeet

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Joined: 11/8/2007
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I can relate. I don't know what i'd do if my family found out about my liefstyle. My book is soon to be done, once I become a published author. I fear I'll be found out. How do you hide a lifestyle? Plausible Deniability? 0.o

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:00:37 PM

RainydayNE

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i think the assessment is a little unfair. like it or not people do judge others based on what they do or what they like. just the way it is.
and some people just don't think any of that is other people's business. or what, is D/s ONLY for those who are willing to lose their entire family and any job they may've worked so hard for? =p i don't think so.

(in reply to toddlefeet)

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:00:55 PM

penandknife

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I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but...

I'm relatively new. For a long time, the only idea I had about BDSM as an option were the stereotypes in the media, the few bits of erotic fiction I came across, and Wikipedia. It took me quite a while to even begin considering finding a way to act on the desires I had, and even longer to begin discovering that there was a whole lot of things out there that I didn't even realize were options. There was no way in hell you would have dragged out any of this from me for the longest time, because I was keenly aware of how I reacted to things at first, and being the social critter I am, I didn't want to be the one to bring out that reaction in other people. After all, if they knew I was self-identifying as a sub (which I'm starting to wonder is wholly accurate, but that's a different topic), then I'd be seen as someone who wants to be tied up and beaten and made to, oh, drink pee or something. Since that's not me, it's not something I'm comfortable with wearing as an identity. Hell, as it is, the only people I've been open with regarding the fact that I even am on this site are people who are already aware of BDSM and are practicing, or are people who I know I can trust to research what the hell I'm talking about before forming any sort of opinion on it (and, by association, me).

Sadly, most people can't include family and/or coworkers in the list of responsibly aware people, and there's still enough of a stigma against BDSM that it genuinely could cause harm in some situations, just like being openly gay can be a detriment.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:02:42 PM

RedMagic1

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People don't care as much as you think. One of the prodommes I befriended here sent me a MySpace friend request... and her page there is even more, ah, clear than her CM profile. My nilla friends and family members haven't said a damn thing. That's the flip side of Aileen's point: things that are none of their business really are none of their business.

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:03:06 PM

NormalOutside

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I think we're heading toward more acceptance, but that doesn't mean we're there yet. There are people who must keep their sexuality and related personality aspects hidden for various reasons. It's unfortunate, but it's how it is for now.

EDIT: Think about it. If we could be COMPLETELY open about this, wouldn't we be doing it on Facebook? This site doesn't have 1/4 the functionality Facebook has, but it's very popular. There's a reason for that.

< Message edited by NormalOutside -- 12/7/2008 4:04:19 PM >

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:03:53 PM

beargonewild

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What also needs to be kept in mind is we all are at different stages of being open about our involvement in the world of BDSM. Yes it would be great if everyone didn't have to hide certain aspects of their life from others yet this isn't the case. Chances are the majority of us have been in the same position as the more closeted ones and were fearful of being outed and have to keep a low profile. For some, we have found from our own life's experiences that we banished that fear of being discovered and are quite open to the general populace about being a kinkster.

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:03:55 PM

gypsygrl

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When I run into this kind of thing, I tend to not want to get involved with the person. If they need to hide they're relationship style and sexuality, then so be it. But, its not my problem.

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:05:24 PM

Lynnxz

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From: Atlanta
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My friends know, my family, however views National Geographic as hardcore porn, so... I'd really prefer they do not find out any time soon. ;)

What does it matter to you if people are private?

quote:

EDIT: Think about it. If we could be COMPLETELY open about this, wouldn't we be doing it on Facebook? This site doesn't have 1/4 the functionality Facebook has, but it's very popular. There's a reason for that.

Because CM doesn't have a crappy layout and disease ridden applications?

< Message edited by Lynnxz -- 12/7/2008 4:06:56 PM >

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:08:26 PM

RedMagic1

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Yeah... my Myspace friend's parents don't know what she does for a living. Her call, but situations like that seem awfully like time bombs to me.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Lynnxz)

Post #: 11

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:08:39 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Anytime I've heard this what they really meant was "I'm married and my wife can never find out".

(in reply to Lynnxz)

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:10:19 PM

toddlefeet

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Joined: 11/8/2007
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If my family ever found out..I'd be either laughed at,and shunned or both and my family want to have me commited and seek serious pshych help..I think I'd die of total embarrasment. I'm not ashamed of my lifestyle., but I know my family would not ever understand. I think my biogical father would understand, out of everyone in my family.
I know both my aunts and my Nana would be shocked all to hell.

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We Scorpios Are The Top of the Zodiac food chain. The rest of You..Your all nothing more than Food. Deal with it. \(^uuuu^)/

(in reply to Lynnxz)

Post #: 13

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:10:29 PM

Aileen1968

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I'm actually curious as to why the OP doesn't have a picture or a correct age on her profile if she sees no big deal about being out with all of this.

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:12:14 PM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Yeah... my Myspace friend's parents don't know what she does for a living. Her call, but situations like that seem awfully like time bombs to me.

It is.

I'm planning on getting my mother drunk and kind of breaking the news to her soonish, but my father will never find out if I have my way.

Considering that I know for a fact that she will take it better than he will... and the fact that she started bawling when I mentioned I might get a job as a bartender at a punk/fetish club... yeah.

I really, REALLY wish my biological grandmother and father were alive. I've found hundreds of pictures he took of her, classy pinup style- with her perched on fences, bad ass cars... it's awesome.

< Message edited by Lynnxz -- 12/7/2008 4:15:14 PM >

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:12:16 PM

sexisubi

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W/we're not that secret with everyone! but in front of His and my parents we seem completely vanilla.

even some of our friends don't really know....

but i have been in relationships where it is going to be done everywhere, no matter if you're at his parents, your parents, out at the outlets... doesn't matter. i personaly have never been in a situation around my parents however here is a story of my Master who has.

He was dating this girl who was his first real D/s relationship, they had been friends for years he knew the parents well and before they stepped out of the car or something, i guess something happened where she called him Master in front of her parents. Ever since that day the parents haven't really liked him... some times it's better for the eyes of the public, expecially when it comes to someone importent in the submissives life, to keep it more on the d/l. However, my Master and i live a 24/7 relationship of D/s... W/we have rules and expectations when were out in public that allows us to pull of our D/s without it being so blantent. Yes, our friends know something is up... but they dont need to know what happens behind my closed doors at all times.

Another point is everyone is on a different side of the spectrum, some people live hard then i do, some people live softer then i do, some people live just like me... i don't honestly think i care where they fall on the dotted line as long as they fall on the field and not out of bounds i could care less how much they want to do. cause it's not really my business... or my life. However, that is just my personal opinion on BDSM... i feel that the way i choose to express myself and life a D/s relationship is no better then anyone elses, i don't feel i have the ability to tell them if they are BDSM material, they can make that choice for themselves and ill just roll with it.

The only time it does matter to me is when i am picking a partner, at that point i would want my partner to be on the same page as i am... on the same side of the spectrum... i dont mind if they are a bit harder or a bit softer but i cant have someone on a totally different side then i am either. So i hope my scattered thoughts on the subject has answered the question based on my opinion.

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:16:50 PM

CatdeMedici

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Joined: 10/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I'm actually curious as to why the OP doesn't have a picture or a correct age on her profile if she sees no big deal about being out with all of this.

I am not afraid of who I am or who knows, however, I do not want a multitude of useless wankless petitions as I am here for the boards only. Anyone who asks, gets a pic and full disclosure.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 17

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:16:57 PM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I'd like thoughts as I am sure My perception is a bit jaded, as I am very comfortable in My skin.

This is a complex issue and no bumper sticker wisdom is going to solve it. But, I have found a few things over the years.

- Those with little to lose are the most likely to show false courage

- Those with irrational fears are the most likely to be afraid.

- Those with much to lose will lose it all if they are reckless.

- Those that consider carefully their choices can still show much courage.

- Courage is a standing up against the tide because it's who you are and not for what it gets you.

- Those who have walked against the tide and survived are less likely to judge negatively those that don't.

- Those who conquer irrational fears have alot of false courage.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:20:14 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I'm actually curious as to why the OP doesn't have a picture or a correct age on her profile if she sees no big deal about being out with all of this.

I am not afraid of who I am or who knows, however, I do not want a multitude of useless wankless petitions as I am here for the boards only. Anyone who asks, gets a pic and full disclosure.

your courage is inspiring.... ?!

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 12/7/2008 4:21:05 PM >

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:21:37 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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You have spoken more words of wisdom than you know---and that holds true in this life or in the world "out there".

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I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 20

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