RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice.

RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:10:36 PM)
A list taken from Mayoclinic.com You are very likely in an abusive relationship if you have a relationship with someone who does even one of the following: Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, or chokes you or threatens you with violence or a weapon Forces you to have sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will Calls you names, insults you or puts you down Prevents you from going to work or school Stops you from seeing family members and friends Hurts, or threatens to hurt you, your children or pets Destroys your property Controls your access to medicines Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it Says that his or her abusive behavior is no big deal or even denies doing it Tries to force you to drop charges Tries to prevent you from calling the police or seeking medical care

Raechard -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:12:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Destroys your property Depends who the fork belonged to then.

NeedToUseYou -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:13:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact A list taken from Mayoclinic.com You are very likely in an abusive relationship if you have a relationship with someone who does even one of the following: Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, or chokes you or threatens you with violence or a weapon Forces you to have sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will Calls you names, insults you or puts you down Prevents you from going to work or school Stops you from seeing family members and friends Hurts, or threatens to hurt you, your children or pets Destroys your property Controls your access to medicines Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it Says that his or her abusive behavior is no big deal or even denies doing it Tries to force you to drop charges Tries to prevent you from calling the police or seeking medical care I didn't know my profile was on mayoclinic.com. I'm contemplating suing them over copyright infringement.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:15:12 PM)
Where in your bullet list does it say "break things in anger"? I seem to have missed that part.

LadyPact -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:16:46 PM)
So, "destroy's your property" isn't valid unless the disclaimer "in anger" is added?

celticlord2112 -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:18:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact So, "destroy's your property" isn't valid unless the disclaimer "in anger" is added? Nope.

Raechard -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:19:04 PM)
Destroying your property relates to trying to hurt you through destroying things you have attachment to. Such as those that cut up clothes etc. in a stalkerish fashion.

servantheart -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:22:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: persephonee sigh, anyone wanna get a beer?[:)] Got a few cokes? [sm=chug.gif]

LadyPact -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:23:29 PM)
Perhaps you prefer this then, taken from Wikipedia: Forms of abuse Domestic violence can take the form of physical violence, including direct physical violence ranging from unwanted physical contact to rape and murder. Indirect physical violence may include destruction of objects, striking or throwing objects near the victim, or harm to pets. In addition to physical violence, spousal abuse often includes mental or emotional abuse, including verbal threats of physical violence to the victim, the self, or others including children, ranging from explicit, detailed and impending to implicit and vague as to both content and time frame, and verbal violence, including threats, insults, put-downs, and attacks. Nonverbal threats may include gestures, facial expressions, and body postures. Psychological abuse may also involve economic and/or social control, such as controlling the victim's money and other economic resources, preventing the victim from seeing friends and relatives, actively sabotaging the victim's social relationships, and isolating the victim from social contacts.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:25:56 PM)
quote: Nonverbal threats may include gestures, facial expressions, and body postures. So he'd still be an abuser if he'd merely grimmaced at the poor fare served up to him? Politically correct psychobabble is still psychobabble--and just as worthless.

Raechard -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:26:30 PM)
quote: Nonverbal threats may include gestures, facial expressions, and body postures. We'd better not cross our arms at anyone again then or sneer at them.

LadyPact -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:32:39 PM)
Oddly enough though, it took Me less than five minutes to find two information sites through google to link the two. (Breaking items and harming pets as abusive behavior.) It ought to be enough for anyone to know that the girl left him due to his behavior. We're not talking about consent here, boys. We're talking about two people who had a relationship that ended. The OP himself knows he has anger issues. Sorry, but a badly cooked dinner isn't justification for the reaction he described in a following post. Are either of you telling Me that you feel his behaviors are the proper way to live with another human being?

bluepanda -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:34:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sharemeuk sag her mom whilst you're at it.. that'll definitely* have her running back into your arms. Better still, her dad - now that's a reeeaaaaal attention grabber[8\|] Are you sure about that? Because my experience has typically been somewhat the opposite. Not always, of course, but I'd say probably 80% of the time.

CatdeMedici -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:40:25 PM)
But your profile says you are looking and for that "special someone"--seems you've gotten over it and moved on.

bluepanda -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:48:37 PM)
quote: I think I'm gonna text her boxing day with my innocent message from noodles to her old phone, Firstly just to make her happy, Secondly just to check if she is checking her old phone still, Thirdly see if I get a reply. Its worth the chance right? I don't think so. Look, let's assume the best case scenario here - let's assume she still loves you, and is at the very least open to getting back together with you, but left because she needed some time away to sort things out. You'd agree that's probably the best case, right? OK, if that best case scenario is correct, trying to take away any of the space she's trying to give herself is probably the worst thing you can do. Even if she does still love you deeply, it's clear that her desire to be away from you is much stronger right now than her desire to be near you. If she's thinking of coming back at some point in the future, leaving her alone right now is certainly not going to do anything at all to change that. Whereas trying to push yourself back into her space has the distinct potential to change it. So, you're running almost zero risk by leaving her be, and a significant risk by trying to contact her. Which course of action sounds like the wisest strategy? Look, you probably need the time away from the relationship as much as she does. My feeling is you have a lot to think through and reflect upon yourself. I really think you're not only underestimating the magnitude and the intensity of how your anger manifests itself, but also seriously underestimating the effect your anger has on her. I really think you need to spend some time examining this within yourself, and you can't do that effectively if you're focusing on getting her back. Leave her be for a while.

Raechard -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:55:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Oddly enough though, it took Me less than five minutes to find two information sites through google to link the two. (Breaking items and harming pets as abusive behavior.) I did a Google search and found this revealing article on the trusty web. http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Spousal_Abuse quote: It ought to be enough for anyone to know that the girl left him due to his behavior. We're not talking about consent here, boys. We're talking about two people who had a relationship that ended. The OP himself knows he has anger issues. He may think that is the reason but he does not know for sure due to her cryptic communication. If you love someone saying “You should know the reason why I left?” isn’t very helpful to the person information wise. He said he has anger issues and people often blame themselves for things it does not make them guilty of such. In short there are too few facts for anyone to know for sure and speculation isn't helpful. She isn't here to give her side so why are we all assuming things? quote: Sorry, but a badly cooked dinner isn't justification for the reaction he described in a following post. No it isn't but was this the straw that broke the camel’s back? Things add up sometimes and rational people often lose it over trivial matters when they are under stress. It's just that culmination of bad events which lead up to this one last annoyance which triggers such an event. quote: Are either of you telling Me that you feel his behaviors are the proper way to live with another human being? Obviously not but maybe they just bring out the worst of each other. If he were to move on there is no guarantee the same would happen. He has had two relationships this isn’t enough to detect any kind of pattern. With three points you can draw a curve.

Lockit -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 6:56:14 PM)
Some of you would be glad I can't access many years of research I have into domestic abuse or abusive patterns or they would be here... pages and pages and pages. It is a well documented fact that one thing leads to another and it isn't far fetched to believe that someone who slams things on the table over what they consider a poor excuse for a meal and yells, will one day grab, strike or push. Call a shelter, google.. I don't care... but these are facts of abuse and how it moves from easily offended/angered and from yelling to intimidating through their anger which is abuse and then one day... if all this isn't stopped and is accepted by the partner... it could escalate and most often does. With some pretty high percentage rates of said escalation. Temper tantrums over small things... huge red flag. If one gets upset over little things.. what happens when the big things come about? I would personally be afriad to find out. Why? Because I had a husband that got upset... oh boy... add crisis in life and bam... Lockit is flying without wings across the room, slammed into a hard object, slid down right on spine and first time ever touched... curved spine and a lifetime of pain. I had been married to the man for four years and he never touched me and only became that temper tantrum guy after I was ill and life was falling apart. He could control things, but once he lost it... he abused repeatedly with other women after messing with me off and on for two years. I left after first time, but he could always appear someplace and did. I worked in the shelters and with both abusers and the abused and it typically escalates at some point if the abuser doesn't work out his/her issues. Ask many who are abused... which is worse... physical abuse or the mental/emotional and most will say the mental or emotional. The bruises and such will heal... emotional and mental abuse last longer. You walk on ice way too thin avoiding the other person's anger. You panic at the thought of them getting angry because you know that if he/she gets mad you will have hell to pay. Whether or not things in this situation would have escalated or not is unknown, but if someone is afraid of someone's anger it could be they are easily upset and fearful or there is real reason to be afriad of that anger. If I saw someone bend a fork with force from anger... I would consider that force could be used against me at some point and that is before I was ever touched and doesn't come from my experience. I counseled for years before that. So anyone that thinks it is okay to act out in anger, I have one thing to say... you go live with them because I and most who work in this area will advise to get the hell out... why take the chance? So he slamed a table or hit a wall... next time it could be you. So much for living in calm and being able to handle real life... http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm http://www.medicinenet.com/domestic_violence/article.htm http://www.webheights.net/GrowingbeyondEmotionalAbuse/books.htm

moonvine -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 7:07:32 PM)
quote: I think I'm gonna text her boxing day with my innocent message from noodles to her old phone, Firstly just to make her happy, Secondly just to check if she is checking her old phone still, Thirdly see if I get a reply. Its worth the chance right? You aren't trying to make her happy. You're trying to make yourself happy.

moonvine -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 7:10:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit I worked in the shelters and with both abusers and the abused and it typically escalates at some point if the abuser doesn't work out his/her issues. Ask many who are abused... which is worse... physical abuse or the mental/emotional and most will say the mental or emotional. The bruises and such will heal... emotional and mental abuse last longer. You walk on ice way too thin avoiding the other person's anger. You panic at the thought of them getting angry because you know that if he/she gets mad you will have hell to pay. Right as usual, at least that is the way it was for me. If someone flipped out like the OP says he did over a bad dinner, I'd be gone so fast he wouldn't even see my dust:)

celticlord2112 -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 7:21:23 PM)
quote: Are either of you telling Me that you feel his behaviors are the proper way to live with another human being? Depends.....does the other human being like that behavior?

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