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RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 3:29:44 PM   
Aszhrae


Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline 		Actually was offered when I got into it with Orion and the Gorean philosophy when it felt like he was questioning my own beliefs.
At the time Lockit, your negative opinion and criticism was hurtful. Does anyone apologize for such behavior? Of course not, they are just dismissive.
Sometimes I believe they have become so calloused in their postings, they just do not give damn who their postings hurt, or offend.

As to an earlier post by LaTigresse. Maybe so, about hurting my self. But as Dark stated, I began with Tolerance, but it seems that all anyone understands is how to find fault with others.

As to BitaTrouble's post about having a little fun in the threads. At who's expense?

Now sure I can go through here and quote and make links, I might just have to.
Everyone seems to be so set in pointing out that we should all accept people's choices. If that were the case, then there would be much more tolerance towards others in the forums.
However, its best to be intolerant of the choices other people make. Criticism and negative opinion resulting in an emotional response.
Yes I get emotional. Yes I get passionate. Yes I get obsessive about something. If that hurts me, well then so be it. I have always been that way.
I believe in tolerance and choices.
There is no place for negative criticism and negative opinion towards people's choices. Especially since a good many come to the forums wanting insight and help because they are new to the lifestyle or have been outside the lifestyle for a while and are just coming back into it again because they are searching for answers.
You have kinks and fetishes that you enjoy: great, cool.
Maybe its not something I would be into but I am most certainly am curious.
But I most certainly will not criticize or offer negative opinion about something I have little understanding.
The forum really is about the exchange of information.
Negativity towards choices made by others, certainly establishes limits and boundaries.

Is it not better to accept another person's choices, than to provoke an emotional response by being negative?


(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 101
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 3:31:07 PM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aszhrae
Since there are those like IronBear that are so set in their ways in their clinical means of thought. Facts are required and an obvious post-secondary education is required, just do what I do best.
Research their backgrounds.
No one is so squeaky clean to be so sanctimonious to judge others, their kinks or their fetishes.
They made mistakes here in the forum and I will find them. They are not without fault and thus have no right to find fault with others.

I was tolerant when I first started posting here in the forum. They want to play this game with me, then I will play as they have established the rules of engagement.



That's one way of dealing with it, true. But is it really productive?
Couldn't the time spent on research be better used to read a good book or taking a trip to your favourite café?

I, as many others, have had personal problems with dealing with obnoxious people, online and in real life. I tended to take things too personally and gave those people power by allowing their words to ooze into my mind. And, as you, my first reaction was to fight back. But it didn't really fix things. The people were just as obnoxious as before, I didn't win any arguments and all I gained was a higher pulse rate and an irritated mood. In essence... I was the only loser.

A good online friend told me once that as soon as you feel your heart rate go up because of something written on the internet, then it's a good time to turn off the computer and find a good book to read (I recommend Discworld books ;).. they're aaaawesome). 
Some people are just so dense that you'll likely have a better chance of an intellectual debate with your favorite kitchen utensil. That's just life. And infact I've on one occation yelled at a spatula "YOU SUCK!" to release anger :D  

My point is that we have to take care of our own mental health and stability first and foremost. And we have to pick our battles wisely.

(in reply to Aszhrae)
Profile   Post #: 102
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 3:42:04 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		One thing that I had to learn fast a long time ago was it takes 2 people to argue. If you going to argue pick them wisely. I for one cannot see the reasons behind most of the arguments written in these posts. Someone can call me a name or what have you, and it is not consider an insult by me. My goodness it is just an opinion. When we take opinions as sacred attacks against us, then in my book it is something wrong with us.

Aszhrae, in one of your post, someone email me and asked why I was rude to you. I told this person to reread what I wrote. They did and came to realize I was trying to calm you down and to tell you it isn't nothing but a thing. You took it as slander against you. That wasnt my intention. Nor, at the time did I feel like explaining. Yes, I have and am capable of voicing an opinion that the majority in the post thread might not think it is appropriate, and i did on one. It is my opinion, period. I don't know the person or any of you. If someone appears to be rude to me, how can i take it as negative slander, when it is really nothing but a thing. I am here behind my monitor and have no clue what a person is feeling that day. I protect myself from peoples dramas. I find drama usless, and my own life can offer more then I can handle at times.  .

There is a lot of arguing in these posts, so what. We are not all cut from the same cloth. Thank the Goddess for that. I don't want to listen to me all the time. I come to stretch my mind, not to point my finger and say oh you are negative cause you dont like my ideas. I don't have time to worry if I am liked or not, or attacked or not on a post. I refuse to let my mind go there.

CM has been a wonderful experience for me, and I have learned a great deal from many of the posters. I will always be forever grateful, even when I don't agree.

Finally, I know I am winded tonight. When a person doesnt respond in or to negative overtunes, most likely the negatively will disappear. Funny how that usually happens, I have seen that in real life as well as on line.



bright blessings
oceanwynds


(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 103
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 3:43:18 PM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		Babe, I used to be a lot like you in my expectation of people... You know, that people would be kind, decent, respectful, peaceful, unless given just cause to get hostile....
I've learned, since being on these boards, that a great deal of it is about perception (mine and theirs), and there are people who lack what one might call virtue; none of that should make or ruin your day though. If most people here are pissing you off or upsetting you, step away for a while, email in private, and come back when you can take what you feel is valid, and leave the rest.
Just my $.02 for your consideration, M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to Aszhrae)
Profile   Post #: 104
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 3:51:50 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		There are times when everything seems to close in and it can get to you. This happened to me a couple of years ago when I perceived things about Cm and two of the Moderators which was not altogether accurate. I LET IT GET TO ME! No one else rammed anything down my throat. I took a couple of paces back and left CM Forums for a couple of years. I returned because I had that pert of my shit rewired properly.

My point it lass, NO ONE CAN UPSET YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE THEM PERMISSION TO DO SO! Permission is granted by letting words on the screen upset you. It does take time but it is worth the time and effort to work on desensitizing yourself so that you no longer see negative comments as attacks unless you are named as saying something and then flamed. Mods are usually very good at flame interdictions. I hope this is received in the helpfull manner in which it is intended and I also hope it will be of some help.

< Message edited by IronBear -- 12/30/2008 3:52:27 PM >

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)
Profile   Post #: 105
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 3:58:21 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Just another point Aszhrae, there are people here trying to help you. Taking the time to give some advice, and that is a good thing.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 106
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 4:02:23 PM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
NO ONE CAN UPSET YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE THEM PERMISSION TO DO SO!
Can I just for once call this concept bullshit! LOL
I've never heard of anyone (not in a kinky scene), give another permission to upset him/her. People take liberties, and one's choice is to check his or her thoughts and reactions to the one bringing it.
I don't do drama anymore because I've done a good deal of growing up, life lessons here teaching me not to sweat the small stuff, and all. I usually can wisely choose who will affect me, and who will be dismissed here/in real time. So, while I agree that looking within is what is most necessary, I just wanted to say here that I've always hated that permission line. M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 107
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 4:03:11 PM   
ModeratorSixteen


Posts: 1275
Status: offline 		And with that enough all of you.No more reminders.

_____________________________

Freedom of expression and personal opinion is a positive input.

(in reply to oceanwynds)
Profile   Post #: 108
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 4:08:06 PM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

Why is it when we see someone write about a practice, fetish that we do not practice, use, believe in--we feel the need to crap on it and the person who does?  Aren't we here to have the freedom to be different? Can't an opinion be expressed with out trashing the person who expressed it? Just how tolerant are we?

We are not as tolerant as we all would like to think..Hell we aren't "anything" as we all like to think.

I toss it up to genetics and societal pecking order syndrome. It's born into us to scamper to the top and group into our little circles for safety while telling ourselves that we are good by telling others that what they are doing isn't as good as ours. Some of us fight against that nature or at least try to curb it, while others embrace it. Is it bad or good? you be the judge.

It's hard to accept things that aren't like you..some have it down though better than others.


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
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(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 109
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 4:08:41 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*waves hi to 16*

Happy new year!

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to ModeratorSixteen)
Profile   Post #: 110
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 4:09:27 PM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

People shouldn't ask for opinions if they can't handle ones that differ from their own. If a thread is actually just about discussing then fine..but once you say "What are your opinions?" or "What do you think?" that opens the can of worms. That doesn't mean people should be insulting when stating their opinions but sometimes an OP can take ANY opposing opinions as personal attacks.


I agree...

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to Usako)
Profile   Post #: 111
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 4:14:04 PM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

Can I just for once call this concept bullshit! LOL

It's not bullshit..I think you misunderstood what he is saying..You took it too literally> He meant I believe that your the one who has to allow yourself to get upset.


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)
Profile   Post #: 112
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 4:26:24 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

At the time Lockit, your negative opinion and criticism was hurtful. Does anyone apologize for such behavior? Of course not, they are just dismissive.
Sometimes I believe they have become so calloused in their postings, they just do not give damn who their postings hurt, or offend.


Whether someone is "hurt" by another. Your feelings are owned by you. You choose to take things personally. I have had a go around with many on these boards. Did I choose to be hurt? No. I chose to respect their opinions though different than mine and to not take what they said as a personal attack. Theses people eventually became my friends because we know we can be honest and still respect each other. This is what is known as maturity.

You are taking everything as a personal attack and lets face it, these people do not know you well enough to try to hurt you. They are being honest. The sooner you stop being defensive and feeling victimized the happier your life will be.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to Aszhrae)
Profile   Post #: 113
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 4:37:01 PM   
Aszhrae


Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline 		If they know better and know what they do might hurt others. Why continue to do so?
Are their lives so tedious, so boring that in order to bring excitement into their daily routine that they have make others feel less than they are or even worst provoke an emotional response?
If that is the case. My only reaction then is pity.
Fool to be baited which I was.
Thank you IronBear.
Thanks to the rest of you for offering advice and insight, rather than the negative.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 114
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 4:54:25 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMAAM1


quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
NO ONE CAN UPSET YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE THEM PERMISSION TO DO SO!
Can I just for once call this concept bullshit! LOL
I've never heard of anyone (not in a kinky scene), give another permission to upset him/her. People take liberties, and one's choice is to check his or her thoughts and reactions to the one bringing it.
I don't do drama anymore because I've done a good deal of growing up, life lessons here teaching me not to sweat the small stuff, and all. I usually can wisely choose who will affect me, and who will be dismissed here/in real time. So, while I agree that looking within is what is most necessary, I just wanted to say here that I've always hated that permission line. M


Interesting view. I must copy this post and send it to a number of Therapists, Counsellor and Psychologists I confer with weekly and who mostly not just agree with what I have said but teach patients/clients this very thing . . If you had been bothered to take the whole thing in context you would have seen the very point which counters your argument justifying your comment....

quote:

NO ONE CAN UPSET YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE THEM PERMISSION TO DO SO! Permission is granted by letting words on the screen upset you.


People give all sorts of permission daily by simply doing nothing. There is a great deal of liberties taken in the commercial world from those not aware of their rights for example. Sometimes people are aware but don't want to cause a fuss or rock the boat and thus they, by remaining silent, allow (give permission) others to take advantage or to belittle them because they feel they can't fight someone with a degree or a business with a large legal budget. No it is not bullshit because daily people from all walks of life allow someone to hurt or take advantage of their passiveness and thus receive "Permission" to continue taking advantage of them.

Just because, in your own words, "I've never heard of anyone (not in a kinky scene), give another permission to upset him/her." doesn't mean a thing unless you set yourtself up as a Godling with most of the kinksters accepting you as such. All your expressing is an uninformed opinion. No more, no less. History is filled with people who debunk something which ois proven to be true or usefull because they have never seen or heard of it.



_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)
Profile   Post #: 115
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 4:56:48 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aszhrae

If they know better and know what they do might hurt others. Why continue to do so?
Are their lives so tedious, so boring that in order to bring excitement into their daily routine that they have make others feel less than they are or even worst provoke an emotional response?
If that is the case. My only reaction then is pity.
Fool to be baited which I was.
Thank you IronBear.
Thanks to the rest of you for offering advice and insight, rather than the negative.



Yes, there may be some who come here for kicks. So what. If thats what they do than absolutely I shouldn't take it personal. Personally, not the ones who you accused though. I would think as a submissive/slave that perhaps heeding the words of Dominants whether sweet or harsh is what a sub/slave should do. It is my job to learn from what others say about me whether it hurts me or not. Sometimes the greatest truths about what I am lacking are the hardest to hear. Believe me, i have been hurt plenty by what others have said. I use to have to listen to critcism from what students said in monthly evaluations anonymously. Did it hurt me? Hell yea. Did I dismiss it? It would have been foolish for me to dismiss what others have said about me. There is no growth in dismissing things that sting. Sometimes a mirror thats held up is hard to look at.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to Aszhrae)
Profile   Post #: 116
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 5:25:52 PM   
Aszhrae


Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline 		I am more open to the advice and insight given to me by Dominants.
There are some I have little respect towards only because their posts have been deliberately hurtful.
There are others that I have come to have the greatest amount of respect towards because they have been so helpful
Just as there are some sub/slaves that are best avoided.
There are some that have also come forward and offered their advice in acquiring a dominant and insight into the success within their existing relationship with their dominant.



(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 117
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 5:32:10 PM   
susie


Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline 		FR

We all go through life facing negative criticism of some sort. The mark of a person is how they deal with that criticism.

If we all agreed with each other over everything discussed here what a boring place this would be and how little each of us would gain from the experience of coming here.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 118
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 5:33:14 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		What I am saying is if there is any truth within whatever hurt me, it is my responsibility to look at it. Perhaps there is a theme that runs through the criticism? Are they all saying, I am creating my own misery or doing something that is getting in my way? My sister said something to me that was so hurtful I cried my eyes out for a full day. Do I dismiss what she said? I cant. It is my responsibility as a person that wants to grow to look at all criticism constructively whether it was given politely or not.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to Aszhrae)
Profile   Post #: 119
RE: If it isn't your thing--so what? - 12/30/2008 5:42:05 PM   
Aszhrae


Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline 		If there are those that only wish to provoke an emotional response by expressing their intolerance of what others have decided to share for the sole purpose of removing their boredom.
What does that say about them?

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 120
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