CreativeDominant
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I don't spend a lot of time wondering whether or not tis right or wrong for someone to leave a marriage for whatever the stated reason is. After all, I've been there...leaving a marriage...and I can't tell you how many times I've heard outright, or have had it alluded to, that the only reason I left my marriage was because I suddenly became "kinky". That's it...no other reason given. Reasons such as:
My partner pulled away from me after the birth of our second um and no matter how much I "courted" her like a good little Alan Alda type, it didn't make any significant changes in our dying sex life.
My partner saw it as entirely fair that I should help with the raising and nurturing of the ums, the cooking and cleaning, the laundry, her supervising my fixing of things and telling me how it could be done better (after all, her stepfather was a handyman) while studiously maintaining that women were not supposed to mow the lawn or check the oil on their vehicles or...God forbid...put the oil in if the car needed it.
I got too caught up in maintaining my practice during those years...wanted to provide for my kids and for the future for the ex and I.
I got too caught up in caring for my mother after her stroke and did not pay as much attention to my marriage during those two years between the first stroke and her death as I should have.
I got tired of trying to be Alan Alda and slowly came to realize that much of the sensitivity and caring and listening I had done for my ex and other women before her had been MY version of "getting over" to "get laid". When I thought back over the years, I realized that in those relationships that I truly looked back with fondness on, I had been more like the "me" I am now than the "me" I was with her. This became even clearer as I turned to the computer in rebellion against what was cold and lifeless in the bedroom while still...in a frustratingly maddening oxymoron...being full of life and love outside the bedroom.
Many times people speak of a light being turned on when they discovered BDSM/Ds on the computer/through books/etc.. That is exactly what it was for me and for me, it was a sharp light that amplified the good in our relationship but also brought into stark relief the cold and dark areas. My "Alan Alda" still came through tougher at first...I suggested counseling, I waited patiently for her to work out her "issues", I took her to her doctor over and over again to be told one time that it was anxiety, one time it was fatigue, another time depression, another time that she was just too "overwhelmed". When I walked out at the start of the separation, something clicked within her and she knew that perhaps she should try and so, she made half-hearted attempts at delving into D/s and BDSM. She made attempts at increasing the sexual frequency towards approaching something akin to what it had been our first 10 years together. She made half-hearted attempts to let me win our discussions once in awhile and make the decisions as to what we were going to do. But, in all fairness to her, even if her attempts had been fully and freely given, it would not have made a difference...10 years of gradual erosion had worn away my commitment. And so, I told her to file for divorce.
And this leads to something someone else said...why would someone leave just for kink?
Why not explore it with your partner OR get your partner to let you play with a pro?
While I hope that what Ive said, and what has been said by others, has been noted in regards to the first question... rarely does anyone leave just for kink, just look at the complexity of the answers given within this topic... here is an answer to the second question:
I tried introducing D/s and BDSM into our relationship. She could not get past the idea that everything should be discussed on an equal basis and that doesn't work too well in D/s. Now people will ask..."but don't you discuss things with your submissive in much the same manner?" to which I would reply "Yes, but with one caveat...whereas she grew up with the twisted logic that under the "new equality", discussion of everything was ONLY equal when the woman won at the end, my submissives have understood that they win only by proving themselves more right than me and that what they want fits into the parameters of where I am leading the dynamic." They also know that in the end, I always have the decision to make...whether I choose what I want, what they want, or a combination of both.
As for going off and playing non-sexually with a pro...that doesn't work for me. I have rarely done scenes with submissives wherein there was not some sort of sexual component. In those scenes where I have, it was usually done with a "secondary" submissive as a build-up to sex with MY submissive. In my marriage, my wife could not stand the fact that I worked on women all the time who took their clothes off and put on gowns. She could not stand the fact that I was still friends with many of the girls I had known...not necessarily dated...before her, ESPECIALLY if they were single. She could not stand the fact in later years that I found a woman I had seen on T. V. attractive or the fact that one time, in a moment of stupidity, I had admitted that I occasionally daydreamed/fantasized about sexual situations involving other women who were not her.
And finally...as noted, I tried exploring D/s and BDSM with my partner. In case you have not read of this before on here, that knowledge of my interests was used by my ex once we divorced to wage a vindictive battle that almost cost me my ums, damaged my practice and damaged some family relationships. Ask any professional whose livelihood depends on other people needing their services rather than any material goods you have to offer what bad word of mouth about your character can do to your business and perhaps you will see why some choose, after more consideration than what I gave it, not to even try.
< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 1/22/2009 1:20:43 PM >
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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 
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