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If you married a partner that was based on a vanilla life, and you found your interest in kink later, you have to remember something. Just because you changed doesn't necessarily mean your partner is going to. If they aren't wired for it, you can't force them to enjoy your kinks with you. There's no way to "make" them be kinky. Absolutely talk with them about your interests and see if they are willing to try some things out with you. If they aren't into it, you have to respect the fact that they didn't have the desire. They have the right to remain vanilla if that's who they are.

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact

"clipped for brevity"

This doesn't stir anything for Me.  It's how I live My life.  It does give Me a good opening though.

The question that started this discussion was is it right to give up your marriage for kink?  For Me, it's not.  That's based on My own standard and knowing what I would chose if it came down to one or the other.  Yes, I've had that talk with Mister P.  I haven't been in the position where our sex life was completely destroyed.  Only in very rare instances is there kink involved in it.

What I do have the advantage of is the fact that Mister P has seen both sides of the coin with Me.  We were just us and just vanilla there for a while.  When I got back into the lifestyle, he was able to see the difference in Me.  He saw how happy I really was to have him as My primary partner, as well as a submissive in My life.  Mister P is not submissive and I don't want him to be.  I love the man that he is and I don't want to change him.

The first year that I was getting back into D/s with others, he was exceptionally supportive and was often the vanilla husband who came along to events and play dates.  It's been our experience that it can be of a sexual benefit between him and I when I play with others.  I get turned on by playing and he liked that.  There were other males who wanted Me and couldn't have Me, and he liked that, too.  This can be a great advantage if the people see it that way.

After that first year or so, Mister P decided that the kink bug bit him.  He's been doing scenes as a Top and wants a D/s dynamic with someone.  That's not Me.  I'm not submissive.  We have agreements between the two of us for outside outlets.  One of the most important of these is that our primary relationship does come first.

If there is a marriage out there besides My own that I would put My faith into it being until death do us part, it would be My submissive clip's.  As much as it fulfills him to participate in BDSM, have a D/s dynamic with Me, and everything else that is lifestyle or kink related, he'd stop if she withdrew her consent.  I think that's the way it should be.  If she turned kinky tomorrow and became any kind of a D-type or a Top, he'd be thrilled.  She's just not wired that way.  It took clip fifteen years of waiting to explore this part of him.  I know he would chose his marriage if it ever came to that.

So, yes, for some of us, outside dynamics can work with the approval of the spouse.  It can give you both when you don't get that all wrapped up in one person.  That won't work for everyone, but in cases like ours, it can.

I know this has already been a rather long read, but I want to add in something else.  It's not about right or wrong, or how people determine how to make their choices when faced with this situation.  I just want to put a reminder out there.

If you married a partner that was based on a vanilla life, and you found your interest in kink later, you have to remember something.  Just because you changed doesn't necessarily mean your partner is going to.  If they aren't wired for it, you can't force them to enjoy your kinks with you.  There's no way to "make" them be kinky.  Absolutely talk with them about your interests and see if they are willing to try some things out with you.  If they aren't into it, you have to respect the fact that they didn't have the desire.  They have the right to remain vanilla if that's who they are.

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ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

Because sometimes, and it's happened a lot and will happen a lot , the Spouse in question refuses to give permission, and does equate it to cheating.

And there for, if you're the kind who won't cheat, or sneak around and deceive your spouse, you're dead in the water if they think it's cheating to go outside your relationship, even if there's no sex even remotely involved.

And plus , for me personally, taking this out of the real of some people........ and bringing it into my realm, I am turned on by doing kinky things, And yes I've gone the whole rout of a partner who's not ok with doing bdsm or kink with me allowing me to play with others, as long as sex wasn't involved in ANY way, oral, anal or vaginal, and my arousal, stopped with the ending of the playtime.

It wasn't like get beat tied up flogged and droped waxon, and go home and still be aroused, and then want to fuck him now.

I also think you're missing the point of the word, sexually incompatible, or perhaps my definition, is just different.

If I am sexually incommpatible with someone I am still dating, despite finding out we're sexually incompatible , I will not be going to get horny with someone else and coming to my partner to fuck THEM, since being incompatible sexually to me, means I don't want to fuck them.

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ORIGINAL: RayvenGoddess

There are ways to satisfy a need for kink without breaking up a sexually incompatible marriage or cheating you know.  While many people do associate BDSM activities and sex, there are people out there who are play partners who never have sex before/during/after a scene.  Many pros out there (both Dom and sub), lay down the law that there will be no insertion of any sort by any party during a scene to avoid any taint of the prostitution.  I don't see why, with the vanilla spouse's knowledge and understanding, that a kinky and faithful spouse can't form a platonic and non-sexual "play" realtionship with someone in the lifestyle and then go home after a meeting with them and bring their turned on state into the marriage bed.

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I got tired of trying to be Alan Alda