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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/23/2009 1:54:35 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

Fast Reply

I dont see domination and submission as a kink but rather as someones expression of who they are. Ive had a dominant/submissive relationship with a vanilla person and been completely happy in it and there was no kink at all.

So basically my view on this topic is, I'd see someone who left a relationship because there was no kink ie they couldnt slap their partners ass or they couldnt get their ass slapped as living an incredibly shallow existance and missing completely the intimacy of what relationship actually is. I don't see kink as who we are, just what we do, its like playing tennis, we arent gonna die or be miserable if suddenly the court was unplayable on and we had to go find another activity to express ourselves in.

I think though that if the domination/submission aspect was missing that could lead to a very unhappy partnership, simply because the two people cant be who they are.

_____________________________

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Different Strokes for Different Folks

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(in reply to mc1234)

Post #: 61

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/23/2009 2:36:43 PM

SadieJ6

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

Fast Reply

I dont see domination and submission as a kink but rather as someones expression of who they are. Ive had a dominant/submissive relationship with a vanilla person and been completely happy in it and there was no kink at all.

So basically my view on this topic is, I'd see someone who left a relationship because there was no kink ie they couldnt slap their partners ass or they couldnt get their ass slapped as living an incredibly shallow existance and missing completely the intimacy of what relationship actually is. I don't see kink as who we are, just what we do, its like playing tennis, we arent gonna die or be miserable if suddenly the court was unplayable on and we had to go find another activity to express ourselves in.

I think though that if the domination/submission aspect was missing that could lead to a very unhappy partnership, simply because the two people cant be who they are.

It seriously bothers me when people say that if you can't have the sex life you would like too bad, deal with it.
People who would like to have a bit of kinky sex do understand what a relationship is, they aren't all thinking with thier netherparts.
You are saying basically that you don't need sex at all in order to maintain a relationship, and yes in some circumstances that is correct.
I live in a somewhat D/s relationship, without the kinky sex and honestly I find vanila sex to be extremely boring, I only do it, because I am obligated to do so, but it's pretty ovbious I am not happy at all.
I would like to have kinky sex, and yes it is a significant problem to us. People have minds, and other interests, but we are also sexual creatures and sometimes yes sex can be a part of the problem within a relationship.
I think it's unfair to slam someone who wants to be able to experience something else.
There is a very large difference to being kinky and being kinky with D/s, but either way it's a person's basic need and perogative as to what they decide to do with thier lives and how they wish to live it.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 62

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/23/2009 6:00:04 PM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

I would leave. But before I did that, I would really try to get the wife into this lifestyle. If you go about it the right way, you might be able to make it happen.

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(in reply to rednicky)

Post #: 63

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/23/2009 8:10:22 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

People give up on their marriage for a number of reasons of which the desire to enter into a different relationship is but one. I will not sit in judgement on such things for each time the specifics are personal and thus different. I do not see quitting any relationship as a matter of right or wrong; moral or immoral; but as a matter of people have grown apartt and in different directions, thus are now difvferent people with different wants and needs as they once were. I do believe ir is wrong to maintain a marriage or other relationship for reasons of ego or because of ummms... Your marriage you decide if it needs to be ended..

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to slavekal)

Post #: 64

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/23/2009 9:18:55 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

People give up on their marriage for a number of reasons of which the desire to enter into a different relationship is but one. I will not sit in judgement on such things for each time the specifics are personal and thus different. I do not see quitting any relationship as a matter of right or wrong; moral or immoral; but as a matter of people have grown apartt and in different directions, thus are now difvferent people with different wants and needs as they once were. I do believe ir is wrong to maintain a marriage or other relationship for reasons of ego or because of ummms... Your marriage you decide if it needs to be ended..

Bravo, bravo, bravo. No one can speak to what's in the heart of another, or the complexities of a relationship, let alone marriage. I suspect those who try to have either never been married, or never lost or nearly lost a marriage due to struggles. It's never as simple as it looks on the outside.

Edited to add: I don't know about anyone else, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't really want to be with me. Don't do me any favors by staying committed to a vow if it's not in your heart. If I'm not "all that" to you (generic partner), then go. I don't care the reason. If I'm not fulfilling you, then you shouldn't be with me. And if I love someone, I want them to be happy, even if it means without me.

< Message edited by NuevaVida -- 1/23/2009 9:47:48 PM >

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 65

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/23/2009 9:36:57 PM

nafakcha

Posts: 81
Joined: 12/28/2008
From: Melbourne, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: nafakcha

While I agree that a turned on state could be brought into the marriage bed this entire statement assumes that the spouse a) doesn't file this under a difference in their marriage that can't be overcome and b) doesn't consider this cheating. The only thing this does is provide for sexual monogamy in the technical sense.

Keiko

Who are you to determine what sexual monogamy is? If someone needs to be spanked hard to hit a catharsis and cry out stress, is that automatically sexual simply because spanking is sexual to you?

And what about tennis? Since it is well known that one of the best ways to improve your sex life is to have regular exercise, are you therefore stating that anyone who plays tennis with someone other than a spouse is cheating?

I have no intention of determining what sexual monogamy is for anyone.

What I meant is that what one spouse considers cheating is not what another spouse considers cheating. While a BDSM play (with no sexual relations at all) session may not be cheating to some it COULD be cheating to others. If your spouse is amenable to the idea then this idea might work if your spouse is not into kink. However if your spouse considers the idea cheating then you still have a spouse not into kink and fewer options. (And in my opinion if a spouse considered a non-sexual play date cheating then there MIGHT be more differences then just kink, but thats another topic.)

I'm all for regular exercise. Just because someone plays a sport with someone other then their significant other - based upon this one fact in and of itself in my opinion - I don't think that constitutes cheating.

Keiko

_____________________________

"To seek, to strive, to find and not to yield."
~ Ulysses by Lord Alfred Tennyson

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 66

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/24/2009 6:50:03 AM

MasterLark

Posts: 249
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline

So, to stir the pot a bit...

Would it work for you if you were in a marriage where your spouse was vanilla and you both agreed it was okay for you to have a BDSM relationship(s) outside the marriage, to sustain what does work in the marriage, and doing so was not consider cheating?

(in reply to nafakcha)

Post #: 67

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/24/2009 8:32:38 AM

torturedmuse

Posts: 38
Joined: 1/18/2009
Status: offline

I left a loving relationship and thought the grass was going to be greener. I was happy in every possible way, other than sexually. On every single level we connected, but this one.

After it was over, I had some great sexual relationships (and some not so great)..but they didn't satisfy on any other possible level. It was a long time after that till I met someone that I fell in love with again. He is dominant and I have sort of gotten burnt out on the whole M/s thing, or had been till a week or two ago again. I still lived as a slave, but my heart wasn't in it and I was very unhappy doing anything associated with it.

There we go again, I could have left and ended things because I wanted something different sexually. I think we are human and I do think we have needs. I am one of the first to say that sex is important in a relationship. I think though we have to examine the whole relationship, not just one component in it. If you are with someone that loves you and you love, and that makes you happy in every possible way...only you can decide if the marriage is worth enough to you to keep it.

Maybe you could even introduce a bit of kink if nothing else, try to spice the sexual part up. You never know, they could be open to the experience. Don't do everything at once, but one lil thing at a time and before you know it..heck, they may end up being the total package.

The main thing is, honestly don't listen to a bunch of ppl on a msg board to make a choice about your marriage. They don't know you, and they don't know your whole situation now matter how well you write about it. One persons idea of being important, or even the way the view relationships could be totally different than yours.

My best advice...think very long and very hard before you do anything. Once you put this all out there and walk away, it's almost impossible to get it back.

_____________________________

~I have been collared since October 6, 2006~

My submission is gift to him, as his dominance is a gift to me.

http://fetlife.com/users/106941 http://www.myspace.com/torturedmuse

(in reply to rednicky)

Post #: 68

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/24/2009 9:47:27 AM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

Boy, that's a tough question.
I'm not married right now, haven't been for years so I can seek the best of both worlds.

_____________________________

"But Your Honor, this is not a Jury of my Peers, these people are all decent, honest, law-abiding citizens!"

(in reply to rednicky)

Post #: 69

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/24/2009 1:57:19 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark

So, to stir the pot a bit...

Would it work for you if you were in a marriage where your spouse was vanilla and you both agreed it was okay for you to have a BDSM relationship(s) outside the marriage, to sustain what does work in the marriage, and doing so was not consider cheating?

Short answer: Yes

Long answer: BTDT in what started out and lasted for nearly 13 years as a monogamous marriage, and it worked out pretty well for us for three years. In the end, what separated us was a -very- old argument that had never gotten settled in over a decade (but that we'd been able to table time and time again because right about when we'd get into it, he'd get shipped off to some remote posting -- he was military-- and it wouldn't be an issue for another 6-18 months), and some of that everyday little stuff that had nothing to do with BDSM or sex, but had everything to do with paying the bills and making decisions (or choosing NOT to make decisions and also NOT bitching and moaning about how -you- would have done it different if -you'd- done it when someone else made the decision!) ... But this last time around, he'd already been seeing a friend of mine that I fixed him up with (and I'd made really clear to her that I -liked- that she was seeing him) and I had quietly slipped into an extended-celibacy commitment that was part of the journey of self-exploration I was taking. It was working well until he bitched one too many times about how I handled something that he should have taken care of 6 months earlier, and it shone a bright light on our rather incompatible manner of facing the world and responsibilities... but I still think he's a great guy, a good dad, and a decent, honest kind of person... I just can't live with him.

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 70

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/24/2009 2:15:30 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

No. It wouldn't work for me, and I'd never marry someone who wasn't kinky, and didn't have the same desires to be as out and as public in doing things like conferences and weekend get aways and play parties and seminars.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark

So, to stir the pot a bit...

Would it work for you if you were in a marriage where your spouse was vanilla and you both agreed it was okay for you to have a BDSM relationship(s) outside the marriage, to sustain what does work in the marriage, and doing so was not consider cheating?

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 71

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/24/2009 2:30:01 PM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1
Marriage used to be a social and financial necessity for a woman. It isn't any longer for a lot of women.

In addition, marriage used to be a "religious" event ... for many people nowadays, it's a "financial" event.
And, if kids are involved, it's a "family" event.

Marriage is no longer, in and of itself, a "sexual" event.

Thank God!

(in reply to lateralist1)

Post #: 72

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/24/2009 2:41:18 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

People are rather quick off the mark to suggest kicking a D/s relationship into the trash, than they are marriages, despite the protestations of many, that D/s commitments bears the same weight. I've always found that a curious thing over the years.

agirl

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 73

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/24/2009 2:59:50 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I see being kinky is who I am, not what I do.. And I wouldn't stay in a relationship where ALL of me was not wanted nor respected nor being appreciated. Doing kinky stuff, is what makes me sexually fulfilled, which then makes me emotionally fufilled, and then I am happy.I'm not interested in sex stuff that doesn't involve kink. I can live a little bit with out kink, but a whole complete relationship devoid of ANY kink no. Even if he did treat me right and other parts of it were there, I wouldn't be happy or fufilled in the long run, and eventually I would come to resent my partner, and be unhappy with the situation, and resent the situation And how do I know this some may ask? Because I did it before, for 4 years, and towards the end I was angry and resentful that I had to go outside my relationship* with permission yes* To get such a huge part of me fufilled.

And if that makes me shallow I am ok with that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

Fast Reply

I dont see domination and submission as a kink but rather as someones expression of who they are. Ive had a dominant/submissive relationship with a vanilla person and been completely happy in it and there was no kink at all.

So basically my view on this topic is, I'd see someone who left a relationship because there was no kink ie they couldnt slap their partners ass or they couldnt get their ass slapped as living an incredibly shallow existance and missing completely the intimacy of what relationship actually is. I don't see kink as who we are, just what we do, its like playing tennis, we arent gonna die or be miserable if suddenly the court was unplayable on and we had to go find another activity to express ourselves in.

I think though that if the domination/submission aspect was missing that could lead to a very unhappy partnership, simply because the two people cant be who they are.

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 1/24/2009 3:14:36 PM >

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 74

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/24/2009 3:08:23 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

That is, providing your partner is interested, mine wasn't interested at all, and if he did agree to me spanking him or something like that, he was very half hearted about it and put up with it, only for me. And that really turned me off. I'm not into making people put up with stuff, just to placate me.

And that's just it, they're not making you happy " in every possible way" if they're leaving huge parts of you unfifulled and unhappy. Otherwise if you were happy "in every possible way" You wouldn't be left feeling unhappy and utended to in those areas you were feeling that way about.

quote:

ORIGINAL: torturedmuse
I think though we have to examine the whole relationship, not just one component in it. If you are with someone that loves you and you love, and that makes you happy in every possible way...o
Maybe you could even introduce a bit of kink if nothing else, try to spice the sexual part up. You never know, they could be open to the experience.

(in reply to torturedmuse)

Post #: 75

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/25/2009 4:22:04 AM

nafakcha

Posts: 81
Joined: 12/28/2008
From: Melbourne, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark

So, to stir the pot a bit...

Would it work for you if you were in a marriage where your spouse was vanilla and you both agreed it was okay for you to have a BDSM relationship(s) outside the marriage, to sustain what does work in the marriage, and doing so was not consider cheating?

I'm sure this will stir the pot.

This actually isn't a hypothetical. I've been married for four years and have known my husband for seven. He has known about my kinks and lifestyle the entire time although until recently he has not been terribly interested in even intellectually exploring them. He knows about the BDSM relationships I have had and if he wants to he meets them.

This is not a one way street for me though. We did start our relationship at different points in our sexual development and I never wanted to prevent him from doing something he wanted to do. So if he really wanted to explore a relationship - or even simply had a urge to sleep with someone else - I wasn't going to tell him no. (And it honestly wouldn't bother me as long as he was safe about it.)

This doesn't mean I don't love my husband. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't want to spend my life with him as my primary partner. Just because I say primary partner doesn't mean I don't rule out the option of being exclusive with him either - I'm just not going to set limits on our relationship when I don't know where life is going to take us. I love my husband dearly and while it may have taken us until now to finally get the events mother nature threw at us three months into our marriage moving behind us, I am looking forward to our future together.

As an FYI my husband did read this before posting to satisfy at least my need for accuracy. (He doesn't have a profile yet - its his choice,)

Keiko

_____________________________

"To seek, to strive, to find and not to yield."
~ Ulysses by Lord Alfred Tennyson

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 76

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/25/2009 1:35:15 PM

LilSlaveAngel

Posts: 15
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

I've heard of older people who knew they were kinky but didn't know how to find a kinky lover (because of the times). They were married in vanilla relationships. So fast forward 15 years and they discovered the internet, and realized that there were whole bdsm communities. And now that hole that was always there is now gaping because now that person realizes how much they've been missing. So then they introduce a few kinky things to their partner. but they aren't really interested. The couple try things but the person realizes that her partner is simply tolerating the acts but not enjoying them/dreading them. So now the person is sexually unfulfilled. The person is not a cheater and never will be. She or He still loves his/her mate with all of their hearts. The sexual satisfaction just isn't there.

The question is is it right to end a marriage to pursue another partner who is into the lifestyle? keep in mind that EVERYTHING else in the marriage is there. The love and The fun. Just not the sex/kinkies. So that means that a person would end a marriage for sex basically. But, is that right? I've heart of marriages ending on here because their partner was vanilla. And, at first, I'm like "Good for you! Get what you want and deserve." But then I think about how I'd feel if I were 24 years (my parents have been married 24 years) and my husband comes out and says "Sweetheart I love you soooo so much...but you really don't do it for me. I want submit to a Dominant woman and walk around on all fours. I know we tried that 2 months ago and I know you hated it. I need a woman who is Dominant. Sorry. It's over" I'd flip out. He's leaving me because he's not sexually satisfied? All the love in the world and his dick doesn't think I'm good enough?How would 1 justify this kind of thing?

Maybe there is another option (Ididn't read all posts and appologize if this has already been said). If they have every other aspect of a happy marriage, just need to fulfill the kink part, then perhaps opening the marriage a lil would be a better coarse than ending it. Sitting down with ones spose and being honest with them. Letting them know that it is not their fault, not a lack in them, just a lack in YOU that you need to find a way to fulfill. Then, after communication, perhaps an agreement can be made to let the "kinky" spouse have a seperate relationship with a Dom/me or a submissive that will allow them to fill that gap.

Just a suggestion for an alternative to ending an otherwise happy marriage, which I would hope could be avoided.

(in reply to rednicky)

Post #: 77

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/25/2009 1:36:51 PM

LilSlaveAngel

Posts: 15
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: offline

Hahaha, so, I see nafakcha said pretty much the same thing at about the same time. Nothing ne wunder the sun as they say!

(in reply to LilSlaveAngel)

Post #: 78

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/25/2009 1:49:51 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

There are some people here who've said they tried that and were brutally shot down. Then again there's some people who don't want to separate the two halves of themselves, and want the kink provider and the family man to be the same person, like me myself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LilSlaveAngel

Maybe there is another option (Ididn't read all posts and appologize if this has already been said). If they have every other aspect of a happy marriage, just need to fulfill the kink part, then perhaps opening the marriage a lil would be a better coarse than ending it. Sitting down with ones spose and being honest with them. Letting them know that it is not their fault, not a lack in them, just a lack in YOU that you need to find a way to fulfill. Then, after communication, perhaps an agreement can be made to let the "kinky" spouse have a seperate relationship with a Dom/me or a submissive that will allow them to fill that gap.

Just a suggestion for an alternative to ending an otherwise happy marriage, which I would hope could be avoided.

(in reply to LilSlaveAngel)

Post #: 79

RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/25/2009 9:58:06 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark

So, to stir the pot a bit...

Would it work for you if you were in a marriage where your spouse was vanilla and you both agreed it was okay for you to have a BDSM relationship(s) outside the marriage, to sustain what does work in the marriage, and doing so was not consider cheating?

This doesn't stir anything for Me. It's how I live My life. It does give Me a good opening though.

The question that started this discussion was is it right to give up your marriage for kink? For Me, it's not. That's based on My own standard and knowing what I would chose if it came down to one or the other. Yes, I've had that talk with Mister P. I haven't been in the position where our sex life was completely destroyed. Only in very rare instances is there kink involved in it.

What I do have the advantage of is the fact that Mister P has seen both sides of the coin with Me. We were just us and just vanilla there for a while. When I got back into the lifestyle, he was able to see the difference in Me. He saw how happy I really was to have him as My primary partner, as well as a submissive in My life. Mister P is not submissive and I don't want him to be. I love the man that he is and I don't want to change him.

The first year that I was getting back into D/s with others, he was exceptionally supportive and was often the vanilla husband who came along to events and play dates. It's been our experience that it can be of a sexual benefit between him and I when I play with others. I get turned on by playing and he liked that. There were other males who wanted Me and couldn't have Me, and he liked that, too. This can be a great advantage if the people see it that way.

After that first year or so, Mister P decided that the kink bug bit him. He's been doing scenes as a Top and wants a D/s dynamic with someone. That's not Me. I'm not submissive. We have agreements between the two of us for outside outlets. One of the most important of these is that our primary relationship does come first.

If there is a marriage out there besides My own that I would put My faith into it being until death do us part, it would be My submissive clip's. As much as it fulfills him to participate in BDSM, have a D/s dynamic with Me, and everything else that is lifestyle or kink related, he'd stop if she withdrew her consent. I think that's the way it should be. If she turned kinky tomorrow and became any kind of a D-type or a Top, he'd be thrilled. She's just not wired that way. It took clip fifteen years of waiting to explore this part of him. I know he would chose his marriage if it ever came to that.

So, yes, for some of us, outside dynamics can work with the approval of the spouse. It can give you both when you don't get that all wrapped up in one person. That won't work for everyone, but in cases like ours, it can.

I know this has already been a rather long read, but I want to add in something else. It's not about right or wrong, or how people determine how to make their choices when faced with this situation. I just want to put a reminder out there.

If you married a partner that was based on a vanilla life, and you found your interest in kink later, you have to remember something. Just because you changed doesn't necessarily mean your partner is going to. If they aren't wired for it, you can't force them to enjoy your kinks with you. There's no way to "make" them be kinky. Absolutely talk with them about your interests and see if they are willing to try some things out with you. If they aren't into it, you have to respect the fact that they didn't have the desire. They have the right to remain vanilla if that's who they are.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 80

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