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Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM rela... - 1/22/2009 7:57:39 AM   
rednicky


Posts: 313
Joined: 1/14/2009
Status: offline 		I've heard of older people who knew they were kinky but didn't know how to find a kinky lover (because of the times). They were married in vanilla relationships. So fast forward 15 years and they discovered the internet, and realized that there were whole bdsm communities. And now that hole that was always there is now gaping because now that person realizes how much they've been missing. So then they introduce a few kinky things to their partner. but they aren't really interested. The couple try things but the person realizes that her partner is simply tolerating the acts but not enjoying them/dreading them. So now the person is sexually unfulfilled. The person is not a cheater and never will be. She or He still loves his/her mate with all of their hearts. The sexual satisfaction just isn't there.

The question is is it right to end a marriage to pursue another partner who is into the lifestyle? keep in mind that EVERYTHING else in the marriage is there. The love and The fun. Just not the sex/kinkies. So that means that a person would end a marriage for sex basically. But, is that right? I've heart of marriages ending on here because their partner was vanilla. And, at first, I'm like "Good for you! Get what you want and deserve." But then I think about how I'd feel if I were 24 years (my parents have been married 24 years) and my husband comes out and says "Sweetheart I love you soooo so much...but you really don't do it for me. I want submit to a Dominant woman and walk around on all fours. I know we tried that 2 months ago and I know you hated it. I need a woman who is Dominant. Sorry. It's over" I'd flip out. He's leaving me because he's not sexually satisfied? All the love in the world and his dick doesn't think I'm good enough?How would 1 justify this kind of thing?

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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 8:05:36 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Sex is an integral part of a relationship.  Marriages end because of sexual incompatibility all the time - non BDSM related.  I am of the mindset that a person should not live out his/her life unfulfilled.  It is my hope to thrive in life, not just "get by."  I gave up my marriage for a lot more reasons than sex, but when I did mention my sexual desires I was told I must be mentally ill for wanting such things.

I really didn't want to give my heart and body to someone who looked down on me so much.

Marriages are complex unities.  It's rarely as simple as one thing breaking one apart.  Keep in mind, also, how personal and intimate and even at times spiritual sex is, and how being rejected for that part of you might cause a person to feel and respond.  Not one of us outsiders to a marriage can truly know what goes on behind another's closed doors, or what is going on in another's heart and spirit.  People break up for reasons they feel they must, and no break up is easy.


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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 8:06:45 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Justify it? However they feel they need to I suppose. Ultimately people are going to do whatever they want to at a certain point, even if they have to do a really stupendous sales job on themselves.

Personally, I live with the awareness that no one relationship is ever perfect. You just make your priorities based upon your needs, desires and moral compass. What is most important, what are you willing to sacrifice, and possibly who are you willing to hurt to achieve your own personal satisfaction. Then, you live with the consequences, whatever they might be.


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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 8:07:58 AM   
sirsholly


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quote:

So now the person is sexually unfulfilled. The person is not a cheater and never will be. She or He still loves his/her mate with all of their hearts. The sexual satisfaction just isn't there.

sexual satisfaction is one of many things that make a good relationship. He can leave because he is unfulfilled sexually...but my guess is he will want to return to his wife when he realizes what he lost.


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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 8:30:35 AM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline 		Your example doesn't fit me, but I know what you're saying. The key comes down to this:

A kink is a sensation. Are you willing to end your marriage for a sensation?

Different people will answer in different ways, but I have observed one thing. While a few people will find long term happiness, the majority won't. Most will end up as unhappy outside their marriage as they were in it and a few will end up miserable. They just had more drama getting there.

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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 8:39:06 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Absolutely they should.  But is it right?  Who is anyone to answer that kind of question for others?
If you are going to continue a relationship on one lie, why bother.  The relationship is already at an end anyway.  The point is you have to be true to yourself and if that happens and you are not, your lying to yourself and the partner your married to.
 
Why should there be a justification?  If you love someone so much, then the question would not occur anyway.  Marriages end because they are at an end.  Regardless of love or sex.  People want to try and place blame and want justification when there isn't one.  Relationships are two way - or more depending - it's not just the person ending it that is all at fault
 
No need to justify something unless someone is into guilt trips.  And didn't people kind of agree on another recent thread that guilt trips kinda suck?

the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 1/22/2009 8:41:51 AM >

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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 8:41:12 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Relationships are not an easy feat in life, and to be in a good one is rare now a days. People seem to want to find the perfect fix to satisfy them. I know for me I wouldnt do it. I honored my marriage vows, even during difficult times. We had a good structure, and a closeness. We were best friends. To have left him to satisfy a sexual kink, or any other thing would had caused a ripple in cause and effect. To leave to follow my spiritual quest, my kink quest etc, to me is escaping reality. If the marriage itself was not a healthy one and did not seem to be able to heal, then yes, i would consider leaving.  There is a differnce though.

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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 8:53:47 AM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky
The question is is it right to end a marriage to pursue another partner who is into the lifestyle? keep in mind that EVERYTHING else in the marriage is there. The love and The fun. Just not the sex/kinkies. So that means that a person would end a marriage for sex basically. But, is that right? I've heart of marriages ending on here because their partner was vanilla. And, at first, I'm like "Good for you! Get what you want and deserve." But then I think about how I'd feel if I were 24 years (my parents have been married 24 years) and my husband comes out and says "Sweetheart I love you soooo so much...but you really don't do it for me. I want submit to a Dominant woman and walk around on all fours. I know we tried that 2 months ago and I know you hated it. I need a woman who is Dominant. Sorry. It's over" I'd flip out. He's leaving me because he's not sexually satisfied? All the love in the world and his dick doesn't think I'm good enough?How would 1 justify this kind of thing?


Is it right to be married in the first place? With most pairings, I'd say no, as they don't seem to comprehend the vows they take, or in the very least give little credence to them. There's not much wiggle room in til death do us part.

The undressed question, I suppose, is if it's right to leave a committed relationship to whet one's appetite for fetishes and erotic adventure. No one can possibly answer that absolutely, but one might say it's tragic the couple in question are unable to explore it together.

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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 8:59:04 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		I don't think many people end a marriage over just the kink, but if they are no longer happy in the marriage, why not end it anyway? Why try to force something that cannot be fixed? I don't think kink comes into it at all... it's sad how many people just get married because they feel it's the 'right thing to do'.

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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 9:15:57 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Some people, when stressed or unhappy, get kinkier and kinkier fantasies.  So they develop a tremendous "unmet need."  It's like starting to smoke (or any other addictive pattern) when you're under stress.

By itself, beating someone's ass -- or getting your own ass raped -- won't make you happier.  Buying a red sports car won't make you any younger, either.  But not a lot of logic goes into these decisions.


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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 9:18:26 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I can't judge this for anyone other than myself.  I met my ex- when I was 15 and we married 9 days after I turned 18.  I was a virgin when we met and it took me a few years to figure myself out sexually.  We were married by the time I realized I wanted D/s dynamics within our relationship.  He said no.  In fact, throughout the years, nearly every sexual request I made of him, he said no.  Fast forward through a 17 year relationship; we broke up on the 17 year anniversary of our first date.  Would I have ever left him over the lack of kink or even over the fact that he was entirely self-focused sexually.  No.  Did those things contribute to the decline of our marriage.  You betcha. 
As we were poly-, there were outside relationships.  I intentionally did not look for D/s relationships as I realized how strong an interest that was for me (Not only sexually) and I hoped, somewhere in the back of my denial-ridden little skull that one day, he'd 'come around'.  One of the relationships I was in during our marriage wound up involving D/s and when it ended, I felt like I was dying.  It wasn't only the D/s part, it was also losing someone I love and returning to what I referred to as 'dead sex' which was a rather soul-crushing thing for me. 
My ex- and I had many great facets to our relationships.  Communication and friendship along with love were, I think, the greatest pieces of who we were as "us".   Most of our friends looked upto us and to our relationship.  I swear I had to comfort as many people about my divorce as have comforted me, lol.
Anyway, rambling pretty much concluded.  The overall gist is that, for me, I would not have ended my marriage over D/s stuff.  I do worry for the innocents created of unions that do not work out.  Thankfully, that was not a factor in my circumstance. 
  Davan

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 1/22/2009 9:25:24 AM >

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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 9:25:21 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		I think marriage is just wrong. Period. It's an archaic institution that locks people in relationships with the completely unrealistic expectation of "spending the rest of your life with the same person". Those of us who get married before their late 40s and actually meet this expectation are incredibly few and lucky. The rest of us will probably spend our lives on the natural human progression of self discovery, growth, and change where some of us will grow with our partners and the remaining majority will eventually grow away from our partners in a new direction. What need and want 5-10 years from now will probably be different from what we need and want now and while some people our lucky to have a partner who grows in that same direction, the current divorce rate shows that this an anomaly more than a rule of thumb.

Very little is static about a human entity over the course of their lifespan and as such, we will need multiple companions to meet the needs of each new era. Only when one reaches the peak of their growth and change in their 40s and 50s is the idea of locking one's self in the same relationship with the same person to spend the rest of our lives with a plausible idea.

Of course, that's just my strong opinion and many will disagree, but given the life history of almost every middle aged adult I have talked to, I find it's one grounded very much in reality.

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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 9:27:42 AM   
RayvenGoddess


Posts: 77
Joined: 7/11/2005
Status: offline 		There are ways to satisfy a need for kink without breaking up a sexually incompatible marriage or cheating you know.  While many people do associate BDSM activities and sex, there are people out there who are play partners who never have sex before/during/after a scene.  Many pros out there (both Dom and sub), lay down the law that there will be no insertion of any sort by any party during a scene to avoid any taint of the prostitution.  I don't see why, with the vanilla spouse's knowledge and understanding, that a kinky and faithful spouse can't form a platonic and non-sexual "play" realtionship with someone in the lifestyle and then go home after a meeting with them and bring their turned on state into the marriage bed.

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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 9:30:37 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RayvenGoddess

There are ways to satisfy a need for kink without breaking up a sexually incompatible marriage or cheating you know.  While many people do associate BDSM activities and sex, there are people out there who are play partners who never have sex before/during/after a scene.  Many pros out there (both Dom and sub), lay down the law that there will be no insertion of any sort by any party during a scene to avoid any taint of the prostitution.  I don't see why, with the vanilla spouse's knowledge and understanding, that a kinky and faithful spouse can't form a platonic and non-sexual "play" realtionship with someone in the lifestyle and then go home after a meeting with them and bring their turned on state into the marriage bed.


I would, personally, find it an abomination to separate the two.  I would rather forego the D/s than to have some pale, stripped down version of it separate and distinct from emotion, sex, connection, etc. 
And, I never cheated nor did my soon-to-be-former spouse. 
  Davan

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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 9:35:25 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		I ended my marriage for this very reason. I never had an affair, I never even chatted to any guys online but my mind continually betrayed him.
I was in a loving marriage with an honest, caring and considerate man who I considered to be my best friend. It goes much deeper than just sex. Physical attraction is what brings out pheromones in us and its those very pheromones that make us feel good. Many females/males have an opposite sex best friend but that does not mean to say they are physically attracted to them or want to live with them.
How can you spend the rest of your life with a partner that turns you off physically? perhaps some can but I couldn't and to be honest he deserved more than I could ever give him.
We are still very good friends, we can still talk about anything and everything and we can still laugh, smile and cry together... We just couldn't stay married.


Maria


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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 9:43:35 AM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Justify it? However they feel they need to I suppose. Ultimately people are going to do whatever they want to at a certain point, even if they have to do a really stupendous sales job on themselves.

Personally, I live with the awareness that no one relationship is ever perfect. You just make your priorities based upon your needs, desires and moral compass. What is most important, what are you willing to sacrifice, and possibly who are you willing to hurt to achieve your own personal satisfaction. Then, you live with the consequences, whatever they might be.



Well said.


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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 9:43:41 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RayvenGoddess

There are ways to satisfy a need for kink without breaking up a sexually incompatible marriage or cheating you know.  While many people do associate BDSM activities and sex, there are people out there who are play partners who never have sex before/during/after a scene.  Many pros out there (both Dom and sub), lay down the law that there will be no insertion of any sort by any party during a scene to avoid any taint of the prostitution.  I don't see why, with the vanilla spouse's knowledge and understanding, that a kinky and faithful spouse can't form a platonic and non-sexual "play" realtionship with someone in the lifestyle and then go home after a meeting with them and bring their turned on state into the marriage bed.


Speaking from personal experience, I have yet to meet a couple where one partner met his needs outside of the relationship due to an inadequacy in the relationship and the relationship remained healthy, functioning, and strong.

Yes, some people are polyamorous and capable of finding fulfillment where their relationship needs are spread out among multiple partners, but a lot of us aren't. Having a play partner solely for fun and kink outside of a relationship is quite different then the above scenario, because it's not about fun and kink. It's about trying to fill a void that exists in the current relationship.

We like to trivialize kink as "just sensations or just sex", but in all honesty, the issue goes a bit differently than that. It's about being understood and being with someone who is able to relate and love all your facets of who you are.

If I have to hide or put away a major facet of who I am (my sexuality), then what kind of relationship is that?

I have certain things about me that can't be compromised on, worked past, or dealt with.

One is the fact that I am an Athiest and as such I can't be with a Christian. The spiritual element of a person is a major part of who they are and I can't validate their religious beliefs. I can't fully understand or comprehend why they have these beliefs and as such, there will be a major disconnect on this issue.

The other is that I express my intimacy through an imbalance of authority in my relationships. Yes, I can express intimacy in other ways, but to know me on the most deepest, intimate level means to submit to me. Why would I be with someone who could never experience or connect with that facet of me and who I could never be intimate with on that kind of level?



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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 9:47:42 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		I'd laugh all the way to divorce court cuz there is no way he'd walk away with anything but his hat and his dick in hand.

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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 10:04:44 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		There is no universal right and wrong in these matters, only what's right or wrong for the individual.

And if you change so drastically or realize your true self, and it doesn't mesh with a pre existing marriage, and once discovered, you need that* what ever that is, to be happy and whole yes I think it is right to ask for a divorce. Why go through life deciving the one you're supposed to care for, by living a lie, and letting them believe everything is hunky dory A OK, and it's not?


quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

I've heard of older people who knew they were kinky but didn't know how to find a kinky lover (because of the times). They were married in vanilla relationships. So fast forward 15 years and they discovered the internet, and realized that there were whole bdsm communities. And now that hole that was always there is now gaping because now that person realizes how much they've been missing. So then they introduce a few kinky things to their partner. but they aren't really interested. The couple try things but the person realizes that her partner is simply tolerating the acts but not enjoying them/dreading them. So now the person is sexually unfulfilled. The person is not a cheater and never will be. She or He still loves his/her mate with all of their hearts. The sexual satisfaction just isn't there.

The question is is it right to end a marriage to pursue another partner who is into the lifestyle? keep in mind that EVERYTHING else in the marriage is there. The love and The fun. Just not the sex/kinkies. So that means that a person would end a marriage for sex basically. But, is that right? I've heart of marriages ending on here because their partner was vanilla. And, at first, I'm like "Good for you! Get what you want and deserve." But then I think about how I'd feel if I were 24 years (my parents have been married 24 years) and my husband comes out and says "Sweetheart I love you soooo so much...but you really don't do it for me. I want submit to a Dominant woman and walk around on all fours. I know we tried that 2 months ago and I know you hated it. I need a woman who is Dominant. Sorry. It's over" I'd flip out. He's leaving me because he's not sexually satisfied? All the love in the world and his dick doesn't think I'm good enough?How would 1 justify this kind of thing?

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RE: Is it right to give up on your marriage for a BDSM ... - 1/22/2009 10:17:22 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Could be, but in my case, while we were not married we did have a good relationship, and honestly I miss him and what I screwed up and what could of been,  do I want him back, sometimes yeah,, but I'd never go back to him again even if I had a chance to and all was forgiven, because I've learned and grown, since our separation, and I know going back to him would never work because I'd be left wanting in some very serious and very imporant area's of life, and we'd just be back in the same vicious circle we were before, of loving each other and everything else but these few important thigns were great, and that caused a break up eventually.
quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly


sexual satisfaction is one of many things that make a good relationship. He can leave because he is unfulfilled sexually...but my guess is he will want to return to his wife when he realizes what he lost.


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