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2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 8:27:59 AM

Prinsexx

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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Ok so here's posting in the hope that it's not taken as an emotional outpouring....
this is about experience and the role that it plays.
I'm a second-hand sub...well not just second hand sub but a thrid hand foourth hand sub. Been used quite a few times by quite a few.
Still haven't found the 'one' and don't know if i am looking for just one anymore. But this time we have ended the D/s dynamic amicably, still living 24/7 as friends. It will take a while to re-arrange the furniture.
But my experience is still an asset. I think. I am able to say: yes, I've experiened thw whip, restraint, breath play, needle play, being loaned and exchanged etc etc and I am supposing this is a good thing and puts prospective Dom's minds at rest.
Or is it?
Sometimes I admit I have a low tolerance threshold not in terms of pain but in terms of boredom and am aware that I am pushing still for new and newer experiences. This makes me realise I put myself at risk... sometimes.
I have tried to walk away from this life so many times. But I don't think going back to straight vanilla is possible given the highs (and the lows) I have had. It's like a craving sometimes.
Strangely it not just a D's ability based on obvious past experience that makes the Dom. That's not solely it for me.
My question is:
To both s and d types do you feel weighed down by experience, crave new experiences, or are you proud to have experience? How useful is past experience? Are there experiences which you are proud of and experiences which you are not?

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 2/15/2009 8:28:39 AM >

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RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 8:38:53 AM

beargonewild

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Greetings Prinsexx, my thoughts are my past experiences are there for me to learn from. They serve an importance which I may use as a guide so in my future relationships, that becomes a ruler to help me avoid the mistakes I made previously. It also is a source of knowledge that I can draw upon to aid in my growth as a person and as a submissive man. I don't have all the answers so all I have as a resource is past experiences to which I can use to aid in bettering my ability to submit to another in the best way I am able to.

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That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 2

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 8:43:39 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

To both s and d types do you feel weighed down by experience, crave new experiences, or are you proud to have experience? How useful is past experience? Are there experiences which you are proud of and experiences which you are not?

I have never felt weighed down by my experiences but I think when I was initially looking for a partner I perhaps intimidated some. I think it was a brave man that took me on because of my wealth of experience. Most would get stage fright!!
I am proud of certain experiences I have been privlaged to be a part of, especially the ones that took a huge amount of stamina. A particular experience that comes to mind is when an absolute phobia was overcome during a well thought out scene.
I can't think of any experiences I regret apart from one I had when I met an unconsensual sadist off here but then thats not one that I need to feel accountable for.
I dont feel past experiences with an ex have any importance. Its what you do with your present partner that matters.

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 3

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 8:48:51 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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I have felt weighed down by my experiences when I was single because while I was searching many doms had no interest in a "used sub". They wanted a virgin, someone they can mold.

But I am also thankful for all my life experiences because I feel they make me wiser and a better person in the long run.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 4

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 8:55:53 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

..... so all I have as a resource is past experiences to which I can use to aid in bettering my ability to submit to another in the best way I am able to.

That's an interesting response and thank you. It really puts submission into an actuve rather than passive light.

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
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To my stalker:
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Post #: 5

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 8:56:57 AM

prpackaged

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Joined: 11/10/2005
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quote:

My question is:
To both s and d types do you feel weighed down by experience, crave new experiences, or are you proud to have experience? How useful is past experience? Are there experiences which you are proud of and experiences which you are not?

Experience is the platform from which we stretch into our future. I would never be weighed down or regret any of those experiences. My greatest joy is watching my sub grow and learn from her experiences. I would want her to be engaged in the here and now and to express her feelings her emotions, her responses. I cannot think of a time when this would become laborious or boring. The fascination is in the what of what might happen not in the actual experinece. How can we grow beyond our limits if we do not push them and how can we push them if we are tied to the same ritual of play. If spanking has reached a point where there is boredom setting in then move toward a paddle or select a place where my sub has not had the experience of that feeling. There is always time to explore and to learn. My sub is the intrument of our experience. How can that ever become

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 6

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 8:58:13 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I dont feel past experiences with an ex have any importance. Its what you do with your present partner that matters.

And this is an interesting statement. In part I agree, but will admit that it hasn't always been that easy to move on and 'forget' the past. especially those incidences of emotional sadism which at the time I willingly consented to with no eye to the future.

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Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 7

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 9:05:01 AM

IrishMist

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Experience.
I have never thought much about experience in a person, unless it applies to a professional career or the such.

To tell the truth, in terms of relationships, I could care less how much experience a person has. I could care less if they have never used a whip, or been whipped; etc etc.

What matters to me is the person themselves and how they make me feel. If I like being with someone, then I want to be with them…if they want to learn how to use a whip or flogger…then by all means, use me as a learning tool. I don’t care one way or another as long as the connection between myself and my partner remains strong and steady.

I think too often people place too much emphasis on things that have no bearing on a relationship; things like…how many partners have you had, how many times have you been whipped, flogged, cut, spanked…blah blah blah

None of it matters if you feel a connection with the person you are with. If you want to be with someone, be with them…to hell with whether or not they know how to use a tool…tools do not make a relationship…experience does not make a relationship…

People make a relationship.

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Post #: 8

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 9:13:05 AM

daddysliloneds

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all of my experiences have shaped me into what i am today, and because i love who i am, i wouldn't change one ioda of what it took to get me here...

then again, i would also never consider myself to be a 2nd hand sub just because i have experience under my belt.

as with most aspects of my life, i take some experiences and use them as a learning tool as to what not to do again, and others as a means of knowing how to do something time and time again to acquire my desired results.

being human and still breathing, of course, i find that there are plenty of things that bore me and plenty more things i'd like to experience down the road.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 9

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 9:18:11 AM

CatdeMedici

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... at the end of the day, most of us are all second hand somethings: employees, parents, lovers, subs, Dominants,--the issue-- is it a dream or a goal--if its a goal, do you have what it takes to make it happen no matter what, if its a dream is it realistic?

Those questions have nothing to do with "toys" or "play" but with your personal needs...or not.

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"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 10

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 9:20:51 AM

allthatjaz

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Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

None of it matters if you feel a connection with the person you are with. If you want to be with someone, be with them…to hell with whether or not they know how to use a tool…tools do not make a relationship…experience does not make a relationship…

People make a relationship.

Yeah absolutely. its not what you were, its what you are at the present time.
I think the main reason a Dominant wants an inexperienced virginal sub is because he doesn't want to be judged from past experiences. He doesn't want me saying 'Mwah thats not how my last Master sewed up my pussy. He did it in Xstitch and it looked much nicer'

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(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 11

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 9:35:21 AM

Prinsexx

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Experience.
I have never thought much about experience in a person, unless it applies to a professional career or the such.

To tell the truth, in terms of relationships, I could care less how much experience a person has. I could care less if they have never used a whip, or been whipped; etc etc.

What matters to me is the person themselves and how they make me feel. If I like being with someone, then I want to be with them…if they want to learn how to use a whip or flogger…then by all means, use me as a learning tool. I don’t care one way or another as long as the connection between myself and my partner remains strong and steady.

I think too often people place too much emphasis on things that have no bearing on a relationship; things like…how many partners have you had, how many times have you been whipped, flogged, cut, spanked…blah blah blah

None of it matters if you feel a connection with the person you are with. If you want to be with someone, be with them…to hell with whether or not they know how to use a tool…tools do not make a relationship…experience does not make a relationship…

People make a relationship.

Dear IrishMist:
You know you make it sound so simple.
And as simple as it sounds is probably as simple as it should be.
The one thing about baggage from the past is that it complicates and messes up the here and now.
Trying to be careful, trying to rely on past experience is something I try to do as a parent and therefore being a parent has made me far more retrospective than I used to be. Indeed I have been a parent for so long now that I have forgotten perhaps how to be spontaeneous and devil-may-care.
Thank you for this. Life is far too short that I am certain of.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 2/15/2009 9:36:11 AM >

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 12

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 9:36:38 AM

feydeplume

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To both s and d types do you feel weighed down by experience,
I sometime feel the burden of their lack of experience, having to go more slowly, take more talk time, deal with the more intense peeks and valleys of their journey.

crave new experiences,
Oh yeah. All sorts of new experiences, not just BDSM ones but all sorts of life experiences.

or are you proud to have experience?
Damn proud, thanks very much. I took the chance to lead an interesting life and it has paid off. There are still so many things that i haven't done that i am often humbled by my ignorance as much as i am empowered by my experience.

How useful is past experience?
Useful comes in many flavors. My experiences are useful to me, for me, to be me. They are useful to others either as a good example or a horrible warning. They are useful conversation starters and enders. And they help me know where and what i want to try next and with what kinds of people.

Are there experiences which you are proud of and experiences which you are not?
Oh hell yes. I have done some seriously stupid things and i probably will do more. I am human and make mistakes, but i am also a risk taker so I make BIG mistakes. I am still alive, in a loving relationship, have full use of my body (well a few bits of nerve damage, but whatever) and the ability to trust, love, and reach out to new horizons. I'm damn proud of that too.

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 13

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 9:38:30 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

--the issue-- is it a dream or a goal--

OMG thanks for this.
You know i forget the fundamentals.
OK...here we go again then....

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Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 14

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 9:43:39 AM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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I don't trouble myself with "years of experience" unless it is stemming from some sort of inability to sustain long term relationships. In a case like that I'm likely to be unimpressed with anyone's "years of experience" if they are constantly flitting from one person to the next.

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RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 9:49:58 AM

IronBear

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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Perhaps Prinsexx, if you stop seeing yourself as a second hand sub and when you look in the mirror, you see an experienced sub who openly craves new experiences, things may both get better and seem better too.

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RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 10:09:52 AM

beargonewild

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And I find that it is these past experience, whether from life in general and/or from past relationships which help in creating the person who we are today. It doesn't matter if many of the experiences are negative since we have the ability to re-examine how it affected us and by learning to move past is a form of personal growth. We become wiser in the knowledge that we try our best not to make that same mistake so in the future we are better able to avoid what we done in the past. It is when a person remains constantly focused on the negativity and is unable to move past is how I define baggage which isn't health to the person and to anyone who is directly connected to them. My thoughts is for without a past, we have no future.

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 17

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 10:29:35 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Experience depends on how well you use it towards making better choices for yourself in the future. If you keep making bad choices, then obviously experience is worthless.

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Post #: 18

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 10:45:43 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
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Prinsexx,

I have put some serious thought to this as my experience has allowed me to move past my experiences and look only to the experience I’ve received from them.

I’ve had more than my fair share of abused trust relationship, I did the crazy “Go after the Guy with a Baseball Bat” I’ve done the “Forgive the girl when she’s cheated cause she promised to never do it again” I’ve even done the “Crazy, Psychotic, broke into my house, took nude pictures of herself on my bed and then kidnapped my cat, forcing me to get a Protective Order” For the longest time I simply thought I had a pheromone that attracted the “Seriously Fucked Up”. I mean even today I am with a woman who is on Prozac for her monthly chemical imbalance. All these things together if allowed to could cause a man to think he was cursed or that all women were fucking crazy.

I have learned that it isn’t fair to make someone pay for what someone else did to you. I am sure there are people wondering why I am bringing this up when you asked about being bored in Kink, well the answer to that is because if you are bored then you are carrying these experiences with you from one Dominant to the next. The Dom may change but the emotion never does and that is a shame it would imply that you aren’t creating new experiences with your new dominants you are simply totaling up the play.

I have beaten a few different women and although the activity is the same, the girl is not and it isn’t about what I’m doing TO them, it’s about THEM that I’m doing it to. Each time I tie a girl up the memory exists within that girl and that moment in time. I have tied near exactly the same dress over 300 times and each time with a different girl and I NEVER GET BORED WITH IT!!!!! Because each girl is different the experience is then different and I appreciate the Individual experience not the fact that I have simply done this before.

If you are getting bored or you think you have learned all there is to learn then you have stopped trying. You are no longer moving in your journey and yes you will become disillusioned with the lifestyle when you do that. Prin I have seen you change Masters quite a bit in the time that I have known you, perhaps it is the ones you are choosing that are old hat. They do the same things and act the same way and they aren’t pushing you to higher places, then again maybe some of the baggage you bring with you could causing your inability to move beyond the experiences you have had. If this is the case then you need to take some time and address where YOU are in all of this as this will most always be an inside job.

No Master is able to take away something that a submissive is not willing to give, even more so when the things that a submissive holds onto are intangible. I cannot begin to move a submissive to where I want her to be until they are willing and fully devoted to being moved by me. This requires that past hurts and past experiences are pushed aside for new ones to be created.

I may have been hurt by MANY women but this does not mean I will be hurt by EVERY woman. The more we focus on the atrocities that have been done to us the less we can focus on new beginnings.

I offer the following example. I have had MANY First Kisses and each one leaves a distinctive mark in my psyche, I try to make all human connections no matter how big or small affect me like a first kiss does as it helps me to cherish life just that much more.

Steel

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Post #: 19

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/15/2009 10:52:21 AM

IrishMist

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Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

The one thing about baggage from the past is that it complicates and messes up the here and now.

No it doesn't.
It only complicates and messes up things if YOU allow it to.

I have had my share of nastiness and pain from the past; fuck, I could write THE book on it...I refuse, absolutly refuse to ever let it run my life. I run my life...not my past, not the baggage that I carry around, not the memories....I do. Yes, my past has made me what I am today...but I do not, under any circumstances, let it control my life.

quote:

Trying to be careful, trying to rely on past experience is something I try to do as a parent and therefore being a parent has made me far more retrospective than I used to be. Indeed I have been a parent for so long now that I have forgotten perhaps how to be spontaeneous and devil-may-care.

I am a parent. I have 4; two of each. The youngest is only 15 and still lives at home. What's more, I have been a SINGLE parent since she was 4, when her daddy passed. I raised all 4 on my own; I helped then get past the loss of pain while never letting them know what it was doing to me.
Perhaps, once I got over the shock...it was the sheer determination to make sure their lives were good that allowed me to draw on the strength that was there and to use it ruthlessly to achieve the sense of serenity and peace that I have now.

Devil may care? Perhaps, but only because I answer to only myself and could care less what others think of me. Literally. Hell, my sister thinks I am a flippin loon...I could care less.
I take life, now, one day at a time...I could care less what tomorrow brings as long as it brings a smile to my teenagers face.

I am sorry to say this but you are placing yourself into the 'category' of a prostitute when you say that you are 'second hand or used' goods. But fuck, who the hell am I to insist otherwise? If you think of and see yourself in that light...then you must be. I won't argue you about it. That's not my place. Nor is it my place to blow sunshine up your ass and play psychologist.

If you want to feel different about yourself...then you have to think different about yourself. Fuck everyone else. Who cares what they think. It's what you think that counts.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 20

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