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scottjk -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 10:54:55 AM)
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Having read all this, and it's rare for me to read all of a thread, (I won't get into it.) I find myself between a rock and a hard place intellectually.
I'm something of a 'seeker'. I'm driven to discover why things are the way they are, and how they work. It doesn't matter what it is, from simple machines to complex biospheres, I ask myself, "How the hell does that work and how did it get that way?" The television series "Connections", was a favorite of mine. [8|] The show would take a modern object, like a car, or a shoe, or even a pen, and show how it could not exist without a long historical chain of events going back centuries, or even thousands of years. It really expanded my thinking and logical processes, along with my joy of discovery.
For well over a decade I've pondered the concept of dominance and submission between people, not just genders. I can't say honestly that I've found answers, but I found ideas, and concepts, knitted them together and built a kind of theory. I can't say it's original either, because I found a couple of books that gave me that key moment of "Aha!", that helped put a lot of the pieces together, along with many other things I've learned. I wish I could write a book but considering that my concept crosses many disciplines, I don't think I'll live long enough to write it and develop the proofs. However, I'll try to provide a tiny part of it with the key concept I discovered. You can fit them into D/s any way you like, I can't say if you're correct or not in application.
There were two books I discovered, written by David Deida. The first is The Way of the Superior Man, which led me to It's a Guy Thing, written by the same author. Small, cheap, and out of print but you can still get copies. I think he borrows a lot from Yoga philosophy. His basic concept is that both genders have masculine and feminine energy. Everyone exercises them both to one degree or another, but most use one or the other the most. These energies are what influences our decision processes, and it's not just the intellectual decisions. We make decisions emotionally as well. (Choosing to be angry, or in love, or sadness, etc., even when we feel that we haven't chosen.)
- Masculine Energy: Penetrating, long view thinking, decisions in spite of emotions, in charge, stable, protective, risk taking, etc.
- Feminine Energy: Encompassing, receiving, nurturing, decisions because of emotions, in the present, passive, volatile, risk aversive, etc.
They compliment and support each other. Typically, as I've said, one is dominant in the individual and most often used. It shows in our personality. For example some people are more feminine while others are more masculine. For most of the population, men tend to be more masculine and women tend to be more feminine, and yes, there are exceptions to the rule and for those exceptions, the opposite is true, and for still others, they are closely balanced. For all of us, there is a natural state where our masculine or feminine are in dominance, and that is where we are at our most content. It's the same for those in balance.
You might be getting an idea of how this fits into relationships, but I promise you're only getting a glimmer at this point. Let's forget about genders for a moment. When two people get involved in a relationship, those energies start to interact. How they interact determines the level of passion in the relationship. This is where the idea of ying and yang comes in, but with a twist. If one is more feminine internally, the partner needs to be more masculine internally. They compliment and enhance each other, provided that is what they naturally prefer to be. The reverse is true as well, the more masculine one is, the more feminine needs to be. The stronger the difference, the greater the passion. As a result, they both are content. The same is true for those in balance, however, the more in balance, the less passion there is and yet, they are still content with and in the relationship.
The trouble comes in when either one is more masculine, and the other, while still more feminine internally, is not feminine enough externally. (The reverse is true as well.) As a result, there is conflict. (This is getting pretty deep, but I want to at least try.) There is a mismatch of the feminine and masculine presented by both parties in the couple. (I won't get into poly, but I'm sure you'll figure it out.) Now the kicker is this. Outside of the relationship, in our society, we tend to use feminine energy or masculine energy on the basis of what is expected of us, and it pulls our internal balance out of shape. If we are naturally feminine, but expected to be more masculine, we can do it, but we tend to be discontent, the more masculine we have to be, the more discontent we become, eventually we actually become ill, either emotionally, mentally and even physically. A good example of this can be the statistic involving medical care. Women tend to spend more money and time seeing the doctor far more than men. (Don't read too much into that, it's just a fact that appears to support the concept.)
On the flip side of that statistic, I would propose that those women exerting more masculine energy tend to miss the signs of heart disease more often than men. How this relates to relationships in general is the demands of equality among the genders that society places on us. It's not a bad thing, I applaud it, but because we are so hell bent on this equality, we shove it in each other's faces everywhere, right into our relationships. We raise our children in the home with the idea of equality, even teach it in our schools. The demand is everywhere and that demand penetrates our emotional lives as well. "Everything must be equal and fair!" Even when we recognize this and attempt to make changes in our homes, we are still heavily influenced by this demand in our private lives. We conduct our love lives based on the standard that society places on us, rather than choosing what is right for us individually.
You'll have to get the books I mentioned to get a deeper understanding, though. But the implications are interesting and probably helpful.
How this relates to dominance and submission is simply this. Taken to near extremes, very strong masculine energy will create the dominant. Very strong feminine energy will create the submissive. The greater the polarity, the dominant becomes more dominant, the submissive becomes more submissive. When one is exerted more toward the other, the more prominent they both become in the relationship.
How do you as a dominant or submissive make use of this? Both people have to be aware of it, I would think, to have it effective, otherwise, things get messy. In this particular theory, knowledge really is power that leads to a contented relationship. If one doesn't understand or even know about this concept, and I don't mean lip service, things can get miserable.
I will not declare this as 'the answer', but I'm comfortable with the concept to think it's better than a lot of ideas of how relationships work that I've come across. To back this up some, I've given "It's a Guy Thing" to some of my friends and they've discovered that it's had a great deal of value to them, and have expressed deep gratitude for my gift. It's helped them a great deal.
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