RE: Dominants getting what they want

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Prinsexx -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 1:03:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster And what I dislike is what looks/feels like lashing out in a public forum because you're unhappy or frustrated. Specifically, I'm getting really fucking tired of reading all the posts that blame "doms" when a relationship fails. That doesn't garner my sympathy. Christ, people, you're responsible for your own happiness. Have you no sense of irony whatsoever? I suggest you look it up in a dictionary. And please, if you read over what you have actually said above, then you are doing exactly that which you are tired of seeing in others. And I am not, repeat NOT in a failed, or failing relationship. And I am very aware when I project onto others. Go well.

Prinsexx -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 1:05:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming Prinsexx, The people you describe are users. They're using you to pump up their egos, and they throw you away when they're done cuz they never really cared about you, only about getting their own selfish needs met. Thank you so much for speaking out on behalf of dom(me)s who know what they are talking about. I love the face lift by the way. Enough said?

WyldHrt -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 3:15:31 AM)
quote: A good friend of mine stirred up quite a discussion when he talked about those of us Dom's who wanted a loneness on a leash. A woman who almost had to be conquered daily. Why is that appealing to some us us. Because we are men and we want the hunt. But, we want so much more. We want one woman who will intrigue and challenge us forever. Most submissive woman that I've known, want to submit and feel if they make a Dom prove himself every day, it shows a flaw in them. Ladies .. guys who just want a doormat most likely will get bored and look for others. He may keep you for convenience, but he will most likely need more.... Make the hunt last, keep us intrigued and we will stay forever. It does take a strong, intelligent woman to do that. OT, but I just can't resist. Okies, now start a thread on submissives who "test" their dominants and see what the response to that thread is. Subs who do this are called "brats" or SAMs, and are often accused of not being submissive at all or topping from the bottom, often by the same doms who claim to want a strong, independent sub in other threads. I find it amusing that some of the same D types who want a "lioness on a leash" are very quick to tell you that they don't tolerate brattiness or disobedience from their submissive in any way. Personally, I haven't yet figured out how to challenge a dom whilst on my knees, obediently sucking him off, but maybe that's just me. On a personal note: In my vanilla life, I'm a bit of an alpha bitch. My job requires that I be "dominant" (my boss actually called me that last week and I nearly pissed myself laughing) during working hours, and I do my job well. When I get home, I want to let all that go and be who I really am, a submissive who enjoys caring for my partner and obeying his requests. About the last thing I want to have to do is challenge my partner's dominance in order to make him feel all manly and that he has somehow conquered me, in order to keep his interest. If that makes me a doormat, so be it, lol.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 3:22:39 AM)
Yep, those stereotypes will get you everytime. Personality traits in careers and in general often have so little to do with Dominant/submissve desires.

littlewonder -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 3:36:12 AM)
quote: When I get home, I want to let all that go and be who I really am, a submissive who enjoys caring for my partner and obeying his requests. About the last thing I want to have to do is challenge my partner's dominance in order to make him feel all manly and that he has somehow conquered me, in order to keep his interest. If that makes me a doormat, so be it, lol. Exactly!

LaTigresse -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 4:01:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming Prinsexx, The people you describe are users. They're using you to pump up their egos, and they throw you away when they're done cuz they never really cared about you, only about getting their own selfish needs met. I think you're wonderful, and it makes me angry to hear that you are being used and thrown away like that. Please turn your asshole detector on, so that you can see these jerks coming and avoid them. Protect your precious heart, please. You are so special! If you were mine, for example: I would cherish you, and fuss and fawn over you, pay attention to your needs, and your dreams, and do everything possible to help you live the life you were born for: to aid in your self-realization, or self-actualization... and it wouldn't just stop one day because I was bored, or my needs had been met and I was done, or whatever. That kind of thoughtful, loving treatment is what you deserve, so take time searching for someone like me, for yourself. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. If you have self-esteem issues that are getting in the way of you choosing someone who would be good for you, please deal with those so that you make sure you do feel worthy of a having a wonderful partner, in your life. In short: please be very discriminating in your choice for a partner, so that this sort of thing will stop happening to you. I can't bear to think of your heart being broken, and you getting jerked around by assholes and fools. Yes, there are users everywhere. Even gasp in the sub/slave league!! The thing is, we ALL have to take personal responsibility for the people we choose to allow into our lives. Bemoaning the users that have used us is saying "I make terrible choices about the people I allow into my life.". ANYone that consistantly chooses to have people like that around, and be lame brained enough to consistantly submit to them, is the one with the issue that needs addressing. They are the ones walking around with the invisible sign on their foreheads that is attracting these people. Until they remove that sign and take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for their choices, they will continue to be the victim. Personally, I think some of them actually enjoy being the victim. They get attention that way. Not the sort of attention I would want, but it is attention none the less. A fancy education doesn't change the potential for any of the above. Nor does the ability to write a lot of pretty words and twist other's words around. At the end of the day, that person is still an attention/pity seeking, self made, victim. The problem is, they are too smart to see it.

eyesopened -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 4:41:33 AM)
I talk often about relationship goals, it's not something people like to discuss. What is the goal of the guy (or gal) who snaps his/her fingers at some cutie on the beach? Well, the goal is to see if said cutie will respond! What then is the goal of the cutie on the beach when he or she responds? THEREin lies the problem. The goals are not in synch and the relationship is doomed from the onset. Whose fault is it? First of all, nothing is solved in finding a home for blame. In 56 years I've learned that when the goals are shared, the relationship works. When the goals for the relationship are contrary, the relationship does not work. It's the same in all interactions. If you go to a furniture store with the goal to purchase a dining room set and the salesperson has the goal to sell you a bed, there will be no sale! It has nothing whatsoever with gender, orientation, Dominance, submission or anything more elaborate than human beings relating to one another. Know what your goal is in every relationship and be willing to communicate that clearly from the onset and you'll have fewer disappointments.

Aileen1968 -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 4:49:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse quote: ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming Prinsexx, The people you describe are users. They're using you to pump up their egos, and they throw you away when they're done cuz they never really cared about you, only about getting their own selfish needs met. I think you're wonderful, and it makes me angry to hear that you are being used and thrown away like that. Please turn your asshole detector on, so that you can see these jerks coming and avoid them. Protect your precious heart, please. You are so special! If you were mine, for example: I would cherish you, and fuss and fawn over you, pay attention to your needs, and your dreams, and do everything possible to help you live the life you were born for: to aid in your self-realization, or self-actualization... and it wouldn't just stop one day because I was bored, or my needs had been met and I was done, or whatever. That kind of thoughtful, loving treatment is what you deserve, so take time searching for someone like me, for yourself. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. If you have self-esteem issues that are getting in the way of you choosing someone who would be good for you, please deal with those so that you make sure you do feel worthy of a having a wonderful partner, in your life. In short: please be very discriminating in your choice for a partner, so that this sort of thing will stop happening to you. I can't bear to think of your heart being broken, and you getting jerked around by assholes and fools. Yes, there are users everywhere. Even gasp in the sub/slave league!! The thing is, we ALL have to take personal responsibility for the people we choose to allow into our lives. Bemoaning the users that have used us is saying "I make terrible choices about the people I allow into my life.". ANYone that consistantly chooses to have people like that around, and be lame brained enough to consistantly submit to them, is the one with the issue that needs addressing. They are the ones walking around with the invisible sign on their foreheads that is attracting these people. Until they remove that sign and take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for their choices, they will continue to be the victim. Personally, I think some of them actually enjoy being the victim. They get attention that way. Not the sort of attention I would want, but it is attention none the less. A fancy education doesn't change the potential for any of the above. Nor does the ability to write a lot of pretty words and twist other's words around. At the end of the day, that person is still an attention/pity seeking, self made, victim. The problem is, they are too smart to see it. Oooh...if I was a lesbian, we'd be a perfect match. [:)]

Aileen1968 -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 8:29:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RealSub58 Possibly I don't pay alot of attention to your posts cause they seem mostly shallow alot of times or filled with sarcasm ....but Aileen, I have to admit, 3 usernames later and several years later..... damn I sit up and take notice at the depth of this post. thank you ! Ha...I guess that's a compliment. Sometimes ya need to read between my sarcasm and shallow words to see what I'm actually saying. Thanks.

agirl -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 9:33:11 AM)
There's a tendency to assume that if you are a challenging person to own , that it's an act of deliberation or brattiness or being a SAM. It's not the case. The challenge is in the personality and character not in the deliberate fighting of the very dominance you asked for. I find it just as challenging to be owned by M as he finds owning me. It's our personalities that cause this , not our D/s roles. I fully accept that it was ME that asked for this but that doesn't mean my personality got abandoned when the collar went on. I'll never be easy to own, in many ways , and he'll never be easy to be owned by. He doesn't try to make my life difficult deliberately and in reverse, neither do I .........in fact quite the opposite.......but our personalities mean that we are a challenge to each other. Contrary to popular belief, it's not a long drawn out battle, full of testing each other the entire time in a game playing scenario.........but two sparky people that are both free to be themselves and appreciating the vitality of the other. agirl

Andalusite -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 12:21:19 PM)
I think a big part of this is communicaton, not ill-will or dishonesty on the part of the Dominant (or other person in general, it can happen to anyone of any BDSM orientation, or nilla people, or whatever). It's our responsibility to come out and ask what they are looking for, and what shape they tend to need the relationship to take in the early stages. Some people (especially men) also seem to have difficulty verbalising intense feelings like that, even if they feel them, or are afraid to make a more formal/explicit commitment even if they aren't dating anyone else, and don't actively plan to - not having the option to if they wanted to can feel a little claustrophobic.

Prinsexx -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 12:56:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WyldHrt Personally, I haven't yet figured out how to challenge a dom whilst on my knees, obediently sucking him off, but maybe that's just me.l. Teeth.....

Prinsexx -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 1:15:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse The problem is, they are too smart to see it. Ok knock for knock. I'll tell you what it feels like to be really clever. As a kid I lived in a kryptophasic world until I was 7. Which meant that the only lanhuage I had was with my twin. We were privated a children... long story... but much of what I remember was cold, hunger, darkness and fear. Indeed had it not been for my sis I probably would not have any language ar all. Rgere were bo socilal services in those days so when the family doctor rescued us for polio vaccinations there were no institutions that would take us in or educate my mother or indeed help quit her of her alcoholism. In three and a half short years sis and I had taken the 11 plus and some guy came to visit mom to tell her we had the highest IQ in the county. She of course didn't really know what that meant so nothing came of it. The world is an isolating place. All school tests are done way way within time limits. Everyone else seemed slow. Evertone else seemed to be stuck in treacle slow. Not only in maths and English but in terms of creativity and breaking through in new ideas. Degrees, careers, yes indeed writing and being published...non of this is an issue. Sis is the other half of my brain.. a dominatrix and a pyblished post modernist poet in the US and the UK. I do the submission and the prose and yes pleased to say rated as outstanding at teaching others. However: the sense of isolation is still the greatest barrier to feeling accepted and acredited by others socially. It's tempting to want to stay in isolation, just see sis, as it's rare to ever find that kond of empathy elsewhere. Submission affords me a sanity. When asked how long I have been submissive I say all my life. I am no different than others save perhaps for having an IQ equal so MENSA tests say to Einstein. I am no different emotionally perhaps as most people feel isolated for varying reasons. But I would suggest that feeling capable and able to top almost anyone else in reasoning and knowledge also means that most dominants I have had relationshups with, since it's a certain type of relationshup, and that's all it is, most seem as slow as the rest. And that's not good given that I am supposed to be able to maintain respect. When I say what is ir with you dominants it's irony, ot's bait, to see if anyone cares to make an intelligent case for exacrlt that: what is it with dominantts that almost universally they want a lioness but can only handle a pussy?

Antheia -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 6:02:32 PM)
Why do some people feel they "need" to continually defend themselves. Then try to cover it up by saying they are just baiting people. By attempting to insult everyone elses intelligence by veiled words, in my opinion, is just a very insecure person. Also in my opinion people who need to continually brag about themselves usually have nothing to brag about. My two cents worth ( and it is worth it to me ) A

LadyPact -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 7:18:03 PM)
Whoa! Exceptionally good thread. I would say I wish I would have read it earlier, but then I would have missed some of the replies. Antipode, I have to admit that I was wrong earlier today. I had said that another post of yours was the best I had ever seen from you. Now, I have to decide if it was that one or this one. Many of the responses were fantastic. I'm not sure if I have anything to add. Prinny, first off, I'm sorry that you are experiencing the feelings behind the reason for the rant. However, I have to tell you, Cat said something very worthwhile to you some pages ago. Since you included Dommes, I have to stand up and say something very similar. If you can find anywhere in the 5,000 + posts that I've written on this site, or anywhere else for that matter, one word that doesn't relay how much I respect My submissive, cherish him for who he is, understand the value that he is worth, I will literally fly to England, and tell you to bend over so I can kiss your ass. (To the Mods, that's not a dig. I'm just that confident in the way I know I come across when speaking of My submissive.) Yes, at one time, I made one post about him being "My slut" but it was in the terms of him being Mine. That was the important part of it. Yes, we started out as a temporary arrangement, but this poly family decided that we wanted to remain a family. There are absolutely users and abusers (and not in the fun way) in all genders and roles in this lifestyle. Folks from the lifestyle are just a cross section of the human race. Yes, it does suck at times, especially when you've invested so much of yourself with someone that maybe you shouldn't have. I really don't think you believe all D types are in that category. I know you've seen, just like I have, the rewarding dynamics that are written about here every day. It can't possibly lead you to believe that there are no good ones out there. They exist and we exist. Quite a few of the replies here have suggested that you might want to take a look at why you feel you keep landing this type of situation. That might not be such a terrible idea. If nothing else, wouldn't a little time on your own for personal reflection/healing be appropriate just now? It couldn't hurt, right? Again, I'm sorry for the emotional pain that seems to have inspired this thread, yet I also have to thank you for the opportunity for so many good contributions. ETA.... I do happen to be a finger snapper. The first time I did it in My dynamic with clip was here at a lifestyle gathering in town. It wasn't a presentation I was giving, but I was participating. I was still feeling pretty Toppy from the night before. Our dynamic was firming up in it's security level. Anyway, I snapped My fingers, pointed to My feet, and clip was there. From somewhere in the audience (again, not My demo) I heard someone say, "That is what I want someday." I forget what thing it was that I instructed clip to do at the presenters request, but I will never forget the comment. I have no idea of who said it. Could have been Top, bottom, Dom, sub, or switch. I just know I was very proud of My boy that day. I'm proud of him every day.

MidMichCowboy -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 7:39:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: agirl There's a tendency to assume that if you are a challenging person to own , that it's an act of deliberation or brattiness or being a SAM. It's not the case. The challenge is in the personality and character not in the deliberate fighting of the very dominance you asked for. Contrary to popular belief, it's not a long drawn out battle, full of testing each other the entire time in a game playing scenario.........but two sparky people that are both free to be themselves and appreciating the vitality of the other. agirl She gets it. :) Now, on the other side. I'm tired of subs who play me and then think I will send them a lot of money to travel to me (no, I"m not that stupid). Or the subs who think I will now take complete financial responsibility for them and they can stay home with no worries. It is people on both sides who play games. I just refuse to play. Some say I'm unrealistic, but I say I'm careful who I will share my family and my life with. It's not something that can be decided in 24 hours. It's something to build and grow as we both get to know each other.

WyldHrt -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 7:40:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: WyldHrt Personally, I haven't yet figured out how to challenge a dom whilst on my knees, obediently sucking him off, but maybe that's just me. Teeth..... That was challenge, not damage, Prinny [:D]

DavanKael -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 9:41:16 PM)
Not everyone is who they say they are. True Dominance (Not 'twue') is about honoring one's commitments (All of them, and not just when it's convenient), behaving responsibly, knowing that others are not playtoys but people to cherish. There are a lot of people out there who would wave the banner of being Dominant and are just people with poor relationship skills who have the idea that someone who identifies as submissive or as a slave just wants to get used. Uh, yeah, not so much. Davan

scottjk -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/9/2009 9:58:27 PM)
Here's something that I think might shed some light on the dom/me question. (Yeah, I know, irony, but I wanna post!) Remember what I said about feminine and masculine energy? Two of the characteristics of masculine energy is strength and integrity. Feminine energy needs this from the masculine externally, and it's not always obvious. The feminine will test that to see if it's still there. It'll show up as pokes and prods at the masculine's weak spots. For those that are not aware of what the feminine is doing, it may look like challenges of every kind. (The sub challenging the Dom/me) How the masculine will respond will either confirm or deny to the feminine if that strength and integrity is still there. So, if the masculine doesn't understand what all the poking is about, they are likely to respond poorly. It's rare to see a good response. If the masculine does understand, then the masculine will respond well. It's common to see a good response. For myself, having an understanding of what my sub is attempting by challenging me in some way, I know she's feeling insecure about my strength and integrity, and I have to find a way to handle the situation appropriately. If I just simply get pissed off, or fold to a demand, I've lost a little of her respect. If I continue to fail in this way, I'll lose more respect than I'll ever recover and the relationship is doomed to fail. I'll no longer be dominant in her eyes. Also, if I'm unable to handle all this poking and testing, I'll be dissatisfied with her, rationalize it's her fault for not cooperating and walk away. IF I want to get what I want, I have to do so with strength and integrity in my character. I have to understand why my sub is doing what she's doing beyond the immediate issue, which is most likely superficial on a conscious level. Her actions are driven at an unconscious level. Hey, it's a theory, but I've seen it work.

Prinsexx -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/10/2009 1:02:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Whoa! Exceptionally good thread. I would say I wish I would have read it earlier, but then I would have missed some of the replies. If you can find anywhere in the 5,000 + posts that I've written on this site, or anywhere else for that matter, one word that doesn't relay how much I respect My submissive, cherish him for who he is, understand the value that he is worth.... You know I got this feeling kind of sweep over me last night. I adore women. Usually I top them and during a scene that female energy makes a divine complimet to the male. I have never (?) I would have rememmbered it surely, I have never been submissive to a woman. In my vanilla days however I was more than once a 'submissive' femme in lesgian entanglements. I think I know that women dommes are able to make this d/s thing into good businesses. With boundaries and all that gets exchange is the hanky spanky. Any humiliation done because that's what the subbie likes. But I have had many offers here from adorable females dominants. Too bad so many across the Ocean. I think I might be doing something I really don't feel comfortable in doing here which is a retreat into a gendered world... but there has always been a great deal of pure caring exchanging hands on the female only planet. Prin xx

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