RE: Dominants getting what they want

RE: Dominants getting what they want (Full Version)

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antipode -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 11:48:03 AM)
quote: Doms who don't get what the problem is. The problem, I understand, I've been around the block, and around the world, a couple times. You want to address what I wrote: your problem. I write what I intend to say, not what you cleverly, linguistically, make of it.

InTonguesslave -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 12:01:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx The chase v submission is a critical discussion because it is so real. Beyond the immediate thrill of the chase and the "conquered" comes the harder work for a deeper more lasting thrill and ecstasy, which in our instant gratification, instant messaging, instant oatmeal, instant coffee, tweetering culture demands perseverance and vulnerability for both to sustain the thrill beyond the moment. I agree about the assumed instancy. Like ok: I am really a packet of dessicated slave: just add some water, shake me and stir me and I am ALL yours... it only takes wow three minutes of your time... however... serious note here...I don't DO half submission. I don't play at it. I don't hold back and guess what... I don't have limits...well I don't have limits that I know about. I might have limits that haven't been touched yet. SO.... there is a confusion between quality and longevity then? Like quality only comes if you keep for for long enough? Just because I submit fully and deeply doesn't mean you got me. Just because I did that once also doesn't mean that's all there is. Just because I submit fully doesn't mean you gonna keep me. Just because I submit fully it doesn't mean you get selfish and stop caring, improving..... talking to no-oner and about no-one in particular. Just saying. prin, neither do i - and Sir wouldnt tolerate it if i did. i dont play games, but the game is afoot none the less. solid guys here are admitting to it. it is a balance and im working on it hard because ive felt the feelings youre expressing here and lots have and im not going there again. so a guy wants to make you captive - own you - enjoy you - and you the consumate slave give because that is what you want to do - so give, give everything but never lose prin - the sparkle the humour the vibrancy - in a way, remind him of what he has all of the time. the creature he has tamed for his pleasure.

Prinsexx -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 12:01:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: antipode quote: Doms who don't get what the problem is. The problem, I understand, I've been around the block, and around the world, a couple times. You want to address what I wrote: your problem. I write what I intend to say, not what you cleverly, linguistically, make of it. Yes your wrote YOUR problem and did exactly what you accuse me of doing..which was a clever linguistic trick. But the whole point is that you do not know my problem but assume first of all that I have a problem and secondly that you know what it is. Having been around the block? So what. It can simply make one tired. And this kind of oppositional thinking just keeps opinion clearly entrenched with the opinionated. I say that the problem is dominants who don't know what the problem is. Actually no I am wrong. The problem is anyone who doesn't know what the problem is even if you divorce them release yourself and lose their contact details.

scottjk -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 12:05:51 PM)
Well, for the example you gave in your OP, let's assume that you were both sincere, but partly based on what I offered earlier in my unintended essay, conditioning held more sway than true natures, as well as ignorance. It's possible that you were not exercising enough feminine energy, or, he was not exercising enough masculine energy. Sure, it was happening at first, but like a broken dam, at first there is a surge, and then things settle down. For both sides. There are a lot of variables that I can think of, but the most likely is that while you wanted to maintain that intensity, he might not have been able to maintain the intensity of his masculine energy. Because of this, you couldn't maintain your feminine intensity. The masculine and feminine feed each other at the same time. It's not about taking turns. It could have been as simple as it not being a good match. If you had more feminine energy in your internal natural balance than he had masculine energy in his, the passion would likely start to fade, with you, lacking the masculine energy from him you need reducing your feminine energy that you give to him, and so, going back in forth, reducing in intensity until the passion bleeds away. Neither of you are probably at fault, it's just that together you both couldn't find the balance. Not having that, one of you was bound to walk away, rather than continue in something that would eventually would be unhealthy. Some do it unconsciously, but try to rationalize it anyway.

Prinsexx -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 12:09:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: InTonguesslave i dont play games, but the game is afoot none the less. solid guys here are admitting to it. it is a balance and im working on it hard because ive felt the feelings youre expressing here and lots have and im not going there again. You know I got this text once: it said but you are supposed to make it difficult for me, you are supposed to keep me on my toes, make me chase you... you know it threw me into silence a kind of a waiting game of a response? NOT because I wanted to play a game shit I really didn't but it made me think omg there really is a game I am supposed to be playing here and it's the hard-to-submit--submissive game. So: does me being hard to get make 'em feel netter at getting me? Because it's not a game to me. if it's a game then I don't know what the rules are and you know what? I don't want to play it.

Prinsexx -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 12:20:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: scottjk . It's not about taking turns. It could have been as simple as it not being a good match. If you had more feminine energy in your internal natural balance than he had masculine energy in his, the passion would likely start to fade, with you, lacking the masculine energy from him you need reducing your feminine energy that you give to him, and so, going back in forth, reducing in intensity until the passion bleeds away. Yes. That is what happened. He became submissive in my eyes. I didn't see it and no-one else saw it either. And even if I had seen it I don't have the capacity to either fix a dominant or to tell him how to get back on top. I can do it as a therapist, as a professional but not in personal relationship. And I didn't see it until it was too late. Once someone lets me top them then I feel unsafe. Once that happens I am outta there. Ed to add: now I know I opened this post by saying what is it with you dominants. I always speak with more than a fair share of irony.. much of which gets lost in translation. I know enough to know it always looks like the other person is a fault. The hardest responsibility to take is to see how one plays a role. HE appeared to become submissive. This wasn't apparent to anyone else outside of the relationship. So according the female male energy explanation all it was was a lower male energy than my female energy. Got it yes understand that. But still it felt looked and really did make me fearful the apparent and sudden switch.

InTonguesslave -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 12:36:24 PM)
no i dont believe its about playing hard to get - that just doesnt fly for a sub - but some men need that element of conquest of achievment of rounding up that particular submissive and making her tune into him, making her his. - otherwise it is a bit like insta-slave - and then theres no conquest and the submission you give isnt specific to the man. you kinda outlined that, i cant go back to highlight it - you were saying something like 'shes sucked lots of cocks like this for others' something like that. in a way this is what i mean. its what im trying to do anyway. i am submitting to the man, to Sir, specifically to him, i am allowing the process between us (and one other sub) unfurl so that i am his submissive, tuned to him and no other. but i will never lose me. i have told him that i am irrepressable because i want for him to have the freedom to go where he wants with me. but i will never lose me because he doesnt want to lose me either. i am being a good slave by doing as Sir wishes and keeping the essence of who he wants to own always beneath his finger tips. what im clumsily attempting to say here is that its not instant submission. Sir is having to work hard to understand me, round me up carefully, draw me to him cleverly. im not trying to be awkward, im trying to submit - but im submitting to him and there are personalities involved. big personalities - so we take two steps forward and one back because im not perfect and neither is he.

LovingMistress45 -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 12:47:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse I have to echo what Cat has said. In addition, there are users on both ends of the whip. Male, female, dominant, master, mistress, slave. I've seen them all represented. If you even EXPECT otherwise, you are a fool. I completely agree. There are plenty of Dominants that want a relationship you have to find the ones that do.

Prinsexx -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 12:47:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: InTonguesslave no i dont believe its about playing hard to get - that just doesnt fly for a sub - some men need that element of conquest of achievment of rounding up that particular submissive and making her tune into him, making her his. - otherwise it is a bit like insta-slave - and then theres no conquest and the submission you give isnt specific to the man. you kinda outlined that, i cant go back to highlight it - you were saying something like 'shes sucked lots of cocks like this for others' something like that. in a way this is what i mean. its what im trying to do anyway. i am submitting to the man, to Sir, specifically to him, i am allowing the process between us (and one other sub) unfurl so that i am his submissive, tuned to him and no other. but i will never lose me. i have told him that i am irrepressable because i want for him to have the freedom to go where he wants with me. but i will never lose me because he doesnt want to lose me either. i am being a good slave by doing as Sir wishes and keeping the essence of who he wants to own always beneath his finger tips. Actually I knew he was texting with irony so I text back and said: I am very hard to get. I just play very easy. I do love a sense of humour. Omg I do love a wit.

RealSub58 -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 12:51:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx But why do so many Dom(me)s have to reduce us, minimalise us, put us down, use us as a place to stay, as a stop off place whilst they get their act together.... so forth and so on. Can't you handle greatness? Leave me alone unless you can handle greatness. I've found that when I had this happen in a relationship it occured when that is all I expected from the relationship. For me, allowing myself to be controlled by my cravings always led to relationships where I wasn't even looked at as a person. Once I decided to step back, control my frenzy and not settle for less than what I deserved is when I literally fell into a relationship where not only does he get every single thing he wants, but he continually wants more and more of not just the kink, but more and more of all aspects of me. (big run on sentence). It boils down to having enough self respect and not making the same choices over and over again and expecting a different result. I've said this before...you are the only constant in all of your relationships. If you don't like how they are then you have to step back and figure out what it is that you are doing to contribute to it. Possibly I don't pay alot of attention to your posts cause they seem mostly shallow alot of times or filled with sarcasm ....but Aileen, I have to admit, 3 usernames later and several years later..... damn I sit up and take notice at the depth of this post. thank you !

CelticPrince -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 12:52:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx Look it's Sunday morning. It's been a fab weekend... really. Everything right now is groovy in a groove groovy. The sun is also out and the daffs pushing their sweet little yellow heads above the soil and I am planning another perfect day in a string of perfect others....BUT......... what is it with you Dominants? I mean don't answer that yet...here goes: A friend recently explained that his first experience of his own dominance was on the sea front when he was in his very early twenties. He looked down, saw this honey in a bikini, snapped his gingers and motioned come here and she did. He progressed from that of course.... A very very dear friend of mine finds herself stuck in a very similar position to me at the moment: stuck in the remnants of promise because the Dom got what they wanted and then the relationship turned cold. Someone very close to me, who is a Domme, explains her hard edged approach to domination: she too tells of how it is an emotionless 'arrangement' and it gets her service. So what is it with domination? that you Dom(me)s don't want the whole package? I get graded 'outstanding' in my professional life. I got the IQ of Einstein. I can run a household, birth children, raise 'em single handed, oh yes and I can actually cross the road and chew gum at the same time ok. And yes have taken a total stand recently and am getting the respect, love and attention I feel I deserve. But why do so many Dom(me)s have to reduce us, minimalise us, put us down, use us as a place to stay, as a stop off place whilst they get their act together.... so forth and so on. Can't you handle greatness? Leave me alone unless you can handle greatness. OK rant over...back in the kitchen for a cup of tea and then in the garden to tease out weeds, back into the lull and the mellowness of this sceptered Isle, this quiet market town called England................. prin, simply put, when a sufficient amount of time pases between both sides of the slash to be able to allow either party to make an informed decision as to the other side being what they initially seem to be; then the percentage of failures will go way down. "getting what they want" just equates to a determination that there were some unantisipated factors not initially recognized. CP

Prinsexx -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 12:59:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CelticPrince prin, simply put, when a sufficient amount of time pases between both sides of the slash to be able to allow either party to make an informed decision as to the other side being what they initially seem to be; then the percentage of failures will go way down. "getting what they want" just equates to a determination that there were some unantisipated factors not initially recognized. CP Yes you are absolutely right. The idea of getting what you wanted, thinking you know what it is you know you can get, is an absurd illogic. However it doesn't change the nature of human desire... the fact that most of us go for what we want, trying to make the other fit a preconceived idea, making them wrong when they aren't up to scratch. Logic falls powerless where desire continues to tread. Ed to add: my mood has changed since breakfast. But still struggle with the balance of getting what I want when I want it, (based on a feeling that I am worth it and deserve to), and how not to top from the bottom.

camille65 -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 1:04:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx Logic falls powerless where desire continues to tread. Only if you permit it. You can alter this pattern, with a lot of work sure.. but you can do it.

Maya2001 -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 1:05:06 PM)
okay why are you picking/staying relationships where you are feeling like you are being used and it is one sided? Are you not having any of your needs/wants met while in the relationship??? why not ??? Did you not discuss and negotiate first before enter??? or at least hold back emotionally till you get to know the person better and learn if they have an interest in your not just theirs. If you are walking out of all of your relationship feeling used ...then maybe it is because you are allowing yourself to be used I have not met the one yet and have been involved with a few dominants now where things eventually ended for one reason or another but most were on good terms and mutually satisfying. if I am getting to know someone and get the sense that they think M/s or D/s is all about getting their needs met and they are not interested in my needs then I bring the get to know stage to a quick end. My idea of a relationship is a partnership with different roles both partners having equal worth, I am not interested in dictatorship relationship were one views his worth above the others.

FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 1:10:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster If the only dominants you've met are of a certain objectionable kind, ask yourself what they all have in common. Give us a little more LAM, because this doesn't feel enough. I understand introspection is essential, and the ability to recognize and be aware of one's choices are paramount.... I suppose what I dislike is what looks/feels like kicking someone while they are down. Telling someone with a broken heart, "you're the problem", makes it sound like "everyone is in a perfect relationship, except you"... And as such, we can sit here and judge you, having never chosen a person who was desirable, but not ultimately sustainable. Sustainable is of course fluid as we grow. Might it be more helpful to say, stay alert to repetivitve choices, really ask yourself if this is the person you need and can deal with long term, before fully engaging next time. I find that life is very much about trial, error, learning and luck. I am a cheerleader for the person who remains engaged in life and love, rather than the safety of pulling out of the game, and doing nothing for years at a time, just to remain safe. M

scottjk -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 1:30:11 PM)
Looking at all this I see where I failed. Blasted essay responses tend to make me over focus. lol Society tends to impose thier expectations on us, and when some of us find D/s, we tend to react like a rubber band snapping back into shape when we suddenly find ourselves with our natural masculine/feminine balance restored. Suddenly we find that we were denied something all our lives, and like children, we have to learn what it is, all on our own, for the most part. Only, we're surrounded by a smaller society, sectioned out of the larger one. That smaller society has expectations to demand from us as well, no different from the larger one. Now, who among you, either dominant or submissive, feels that smaller society has a better lock on things than the larger society? How many different opinions are out there in the smaller society that describe the D/s relationship? Which of them are closer to the truth? How many sub groups in that smaller society believe they have the tiger by the tail? Of all of those groups, how many have people that express a belief without really understanding it (because some one said so)? I feel that the D/s relationship is no different from vanilla ones, except that the D/s relationship is an enhancement or extension to vanilla relationships. It's just a matter of how far you want to go with it. Personally, I don't think D/s and vanilla relationships are part of a spectrum, just different expressions of the same relationship. I don't think the concept of 'the hunt' is accurate, really, where the prey is consumed and the bones buried. I feel it's more like the dominant didn't find what he/she was looking for, enjoys the distraction and moves on. The problem is how they handle the moving on. The ones we hear about most often are the ones that handle it poorly, and the same can be said of the submissives. I'll say this though, its only an opinion of mine, and as such, the mileage may vary. :)

agirl -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 2:46:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: CelticPrince prin, simply put, when a sufficient amount of time pases between both sides of the slash to be able to allow either party to make an informed decision as to the other side being what they initially seem to be; then the percentage of failures will go way down. "getting what they want" just equates to a determination that there were some unantisipated factors not initially recognized. CP Yes you are absolutely right. The idea of getting what you wanted, thinking you know what it is you know you can get, is an absurd illogic. However it doesn't change the nature of human desire... the fact that most of us go for what we want, trying to make the other fit a preconceived idea, making them wrong when they aren't up to scratch. Logic falls powerless where desire continues to tread. Ed to add: my mood has changed since breakfast. But still struggle with the balance of getting what I want when I want it, (based on a feeling that I am worth it and deserve to), and how not to top from the bottom. Logic doesn't HAVE to do this though. That's like listening to my sprogs bemoaning their feelings over fact. * Yes, you love her , NO, she doesn't love you back. Oh dear, how sad, never mind* We do NOT always have to go for what we want , we CAN go for what is good for us. But to do that you have to have the bollocks to stay there. It's easy on the spirit in the short-term to give in to what you want ( and by Geoge, I am an expert in that). I don't go for what I want ALL all the time any longer......I go for what's good for me .....and believe you me, they differ hugely. I'm driven by my wants but I'm tempered by a bloke that is peering closely at thbest for me things. I admit that I am massively ruined by a Master that is content for me to have my wild and crazy wants as long as the good for me things don't get submerged or ignored. There are battles where I think I can't BEAR him denying me my heart's desire, and I mutter * I HATE you* through my gritted teeth but I fall in because he's in the Crow's Nest watching the weather.........and I'm on the deck having a party and don't CARE about things like storms and so on. After a few years you tend to get the idea..... AH, he's ON to something here!! agirl

Lordandmaster -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 2:52:26 PM)
And what I dislike is what looks/feels like lashing out in a public forum because you're unhappy or frustrated. Specifically, I'm getting really fucking tired of reading all the posts that blame "doms" when a relationship fails. That doesn't garner my sympathy. Christ, people, you're responsible for your own happiness. quote: ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMAAM1 quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster If the only dominants you've met are of a certain objectionable kind, ask yourself what they all have in common. Give us a little more LAM, because this doesn't feel enough. I understand introspection is essential, and the ability to recognize and be aware of one's choices are paramount.... I suppose what I dislike is what looks/feels like kicking someone while they are down. Telling someone with a broken heart, "you're the problem", makes it sound like "everyone is in a perfect relationship, except you"

oceanwynds -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 6:45:30 PM)
I have trouble with generalizations and putting blame on others. Seems in any community, lifestyle etc, there will be some that point fingers outwards because they havent found what they felt they deserved. In my world, I cannot do this anymore. When I got involved with Sir, I knew there was no guarantees. Sir and I have departed friends, but instead of boo hooing for what wasn't, i honor what was obtained. He helped me a lot and i will be forever grateful. I work with a lot of people who tend to pick the same type of person over and over, and complain about never being understood. They have a fear of looking within themselves to ask the questions needed to heal. Instead they seek another to fix this terrible wrong. It is cycle and it doesn't matter how intelligent you are, until you stop and dare to look within, that cycle will continue. I see it everyday. Sad thing is there is nothing to be done, until the awaken from their illusion. No one owes you anything, except yourself. I truly believe this and also know it fits well with me being submissive.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Dominants getting what they want (3/8/2009 7:12:25 PM)
Prinsexx, The people you describe are users. They're using you to pump up their egos, and they throw you away when they're done cuz they never really cared about you, only about getting their own selfish needs met. I think you're wonderful, and it makes me angry to hear that you are being used and thrown away like that. Please turn your asshole detector on, so that you can see these jerks coming and avoid them. Protect your precious heart, please. You are so special! If you were mine, for example: I would cherish you, and fuss and fawn over you, pay attention to your needs, and your dreams, and do everything possible to help you live the life you were born for: to aid in your self-realization, or self-actualization... and it wouldn't just stop one day because I was bored, or my needs had been met and I was done, or whatever. That kind of thoughtful, loving treatment is what you deserve, so take time searching for someone like me, for yourself. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. If you have self-esteem issues that are getting in the way of you choosing someone who would be good for you, please deal with those so that you make sure you do feel worthy of a having a wonderful partner, in your life. In short: please be very discriminating in your choice for a partner, so that this sort of thing will stop happening to you. I can't bear to think of your heart being broken, and you getting jerked around by assholes and fools.

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