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How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 3:26:34 PM   
slavelash


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline 		Sometimes, i feel like a gay man in a straight marriage. i am very happy with my marriage but i feel if i don't find an outlet for my needs soon i'm going to freaking explode! Don't ask me to try the lifestyle with my wife. i have and she won't go for it. i'd be very interested to hear how others deal with this. Is seeing a ProDomme cheating? (i guess i already know the answer to that stupid question!) And, yes, i'm new here so please bear with me while i figure things out!

< Message edited by slavelash -- 4/25/2009 3:44:51 PM >
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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 4:12:35 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		You say "Don't ask me to try the lifestyle with my wife. i have and she won't go for it." OK. If she won't go for it and you have determined that you indeed do need to, that makes it pretty obvious that you're going to have to have a serious discussion. She may very well give you an ultimatum that it's either her/your marriage or the "lifestyle" and you're going to have to choose. Think it through well before deciding. I don't envy your position.

Seeing a pro might be a solution/compromise. It's not cheating if your wife is OK with it. Maybe she would be OK with it but you're going to have to ask first to know, right? Cheating comes in when there's dishonesty and sneaking. If your wife is fine with such an arrangement, it wouldn't be cheating at all. You don't know until you ask..........luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 4/25/2009 4:15:16 PM >

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 4:14:46 PM   
masmiss


Posts: 494
Joined: 2/16/2009
From: New Jersey
Status: offline 		Consult a marriage counselor.

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 4:16:12 PM   
slavelash


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for the reply but leaving the marriage is not an option. i love her too much but she just can't get into the lifestyle. i figure something out, though!

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 4:18:14 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		I didn't suggest it as a viable option. I'm just saying if you're determined you need something she won't participate in, if you bring that up to her SHE might say it's over or that you need to choose. That's a very real possibility.

Again, I say, there may be a compromise. You don't know until you ask her.........luci

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 4:23:50 PM   
slavelash


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline 		We went to a marriage counselor about 2 years ago who said that my urges were all quite normal. i admit that she tried - for about a week. Then it was back to what i call "Catholic Sex!"

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 4:27:10 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavelash

Thanks for the reply but leaving the marriage is not an option. i love her too much but she just can't get into the lifestyle. i figure something out, though!


I dont get this at all. If I was with someone i really loved, and they didnt like the lifestyle, I would quit. It seems the only option you have, is to talk with her about your needs, and see if she is happy for you to find an outlet.

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 4:35:13 PM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		I think what slaveluci is trying to tell you is that if you 'figure something out' without consulting with your wife (IE:  seeing a pro behind her back) there is a very real possibility that if/when your wife finds out, she will divorce you - leaving you no option to remain in the marriage.

If you want to find a method of getting your needs met, be certain you do so with your wife's knowledge and consent.  She doesn't have to participate so long as she agrees that it's okay for you to do so elsewhere.

If you indeed love your wife and don't want to jeapordize your marriage - do NOT go behind her back all sneaky and shit!  That will only destroy your relationship - she WILL find out, count on it.

< Message edited by Domin8tingUrDrmz -- 4/25/2009 4:37:43 PM >

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 5:01:20 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I am personally suspicious of people who claim to love someone so much,, but then are considering options of sneaking about behind their wives backs.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavelash

Thanks for the reply but leaving the marriage is not an option. i love her too much but she just can't get into the lifestyle. i figure something out, though!

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 5:01:40 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
I never cease to be confused by the number of men trapped in so-called vanilla relationships who can't manage to figure out how to scratch the submissive itch without visiting a pro.  Nothing against pros, but these guys always want to know how to go about cheating on their wives.  For some reason, it seems none of them ever think about doing things that would please their spouses and meet their own needs at the same time.
 
OP, I copied the following from your list of Lives For items.  All of them can be incorporated into an otherwise "vanilla" marriage. 
 Begging (Expert)

 Body Worship (Expert)
 Chastity (Beginner)
 Housework (Expert)
 Serving as a Maid/Butler (Expert)
 Speech Restrictions (Expert)  
If I were you, I'd start getting creative about getting some of your needs met.  For example, you could plan a "Pampered Wife" weekend in which you instruct your wife not to lift a finger.  You will cook, clean, and run all the errands that need to be done that weekend.  All she is to do is give you a list of things to be done and any necessary instructions to do them.  If she desires anything, whether it is a cup of tea or a footrub, she has only to say so.  Buy her a servant's bell to ring when she wants something.  Throughout the weekend, you will address her as "My Darling" or some other term of endearment.  Pick something you don't normally call her.  You will not use her given name or any other pet names you have for her.  If you speak, preface your words with the title.  (My Darling, may I bring you a drink?  My Darling, would you care for a massage?)  At the end of the day, you can request physical intimacy in the same manner. (My Darling, may I please have permission to pleasure you?)  If she agrees, use your expert body worshiping skills to give her the night of her life.
 
You just fulfilled all of the Lives For things listed.  If you start preparing a week or so in advance, you can fulfill chastity by refraining from self-stimulation until your wife decides whether or not to grant your request for physical intimacy.  I'm willing to wager that, after a few of these weekends, your wife might be a little more willing to give you kinky sex.  It might not be as hardcore as your fantasies, but it's better than cheating.

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 5:07:45 PM   
slavelash


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline 		Everyone can relax! i have had many, many opportunities to go to a Pro Domme. It's never happened and it never will. When i say i will "figure something out" it means just that. i actually was just here to vent my frustration.

i have never cheated and i never will!

But thanks to all for the feedback! i sincerely appreciate it!

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 5:08:10 PM   
DotarSojat


Posts: 854
Joined: 3/22/2009
Status: offline 		*Golf clap* Sylvere, has anyone told you that are a genius? I was going to suggest such a thing but I know there is now way I could have put it like you. I was just going to suggest finding ways to serve her every need and whim. You set up a terrific scenerio.

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 5:11:25 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		If you're doing something with another women behind your wifes back, and she'd be angry upset or worse divorce you over it, it's considered cheating, to the majority of us and probably your wife too.
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavelash

Everyone can relax! i have had many, many opportunities to go to a Pro Domme. It's never happened and it never will. When i say i will "figure something out" it means just that. i actually was just here to vent my frustration.

i have never cheated and i never will!

But thanks to all for the feedback! i sincerely appreciate it!

(in reply to slavelash)
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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 5:16:35 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Let me second your status as a genius SylvereApLeanan.  I have always believed that "where there is love, there is a way", but have never seen such a perfect suggestion of how one could meet those needs.  I can only hope that all those horny submissive husbands try your idea!

As for the the OP, good luck.

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 5:25:04 PM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		I've suggested similar things to the married men who write me on the other side.  I usually get the reply, "but she isn't dominating me it's not the same!" <insert eye roll>

Hopefully, the OP will see it the way the advice is intended - a method to get his needs met and a method of introducing some aspects of D/s to his wife that she may enjoy.

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 5:35:55 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		As a submissive female, these situations rarely have crossed my mind (of a submissive male with a vanilla wife).  After reading the suggestion, I started thinking about it and begin to wonder if perhaps these submissive men possibly have a misguided idea of what their wives dominating would consist of.  I also admit that after seeing the suggestion, I can't help but think how nice it would be to have a submissive male to do those things for me!

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 6:09:11 PM   
YoungLust


Posts: 70
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		If she will not be dominant, then you could possibly just put her on a pedestal yourself. She doesn't have to be dominant for you to release some of your submissive desires. Help out more around the house. If there is a particular chore that she hates doing, take it off of her hands. Show her more often daily how much you love her and appreciate having her in your life. Offer to give her massages. Rub her feet... things like that.

Having gone from a romantic relationship with a kinky partner to one with a vanilla partner, I found myself doing more for my girlfriend then I would have prior. I found it gratifying and she was very appreciative. Just in essence, make her life easier and do things FOR her even if she isn't in leather demanding it. It may not be the ideal outlet for your lust but it's one that will end up being beneficial for you and your wife.

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 7:21:27 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		There is a slant that you can put on it that got me a long way once, slavelash.  For me, also it underpins and meshes nicely with Sylvere's practical advice, above.  It's just this: you tell her that she doesn't need to dominate you, you just need to serve her.  The idea is to take as much pressure as possible off her to 'be a certain way' and, as it were, take that pressure on your own shoulders.  Freed of that demand to act, to perform, play a role - she may just warm to whatever dominance there is in her. 

Going on my experience I'd suggest that there may be two possible hurdles, though.  Firstly, I found that it was quite an awkward conceptual wrench in my head to admit to myself that I was 'seducing my partner into being dominant'.  It flew in the face of what I thought was crucial part of my desires - which was that a dominant would just be dominant to start with and 'force me' to submit.  The second hurdle is that she has to be free to dominate in the way that suits her.  That may not be a style of dominance that you'd imagined or expected before. 

It took an open mind to deal with these obstacles in my case - and, sometimes, I pretty much had to wrench it so that it would open wide enough for the purpose.  Imagination and creativity needed in large doses, in short.

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 7:36:53 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DotarSojat

*Golf clap* Sylvere, has anyone told you that are a genius?


No, but you can feel free to start. 

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to DotarSojat)
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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 4/25/2009 7:42:59 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		I was in a similar position 7 years ago.  I went to a counselor by myself for a short time, not a marriage counselor.  What I learned from the sessions is that key to happiness is inside me.  IF I make the effort I can be perfectly happy no matter what circumstances, and believe me my circumstances were a lot worse than yours.  So I decided to be happy and do activities that would help make me happy.  It worked!!  I went from being self destructive to leading a happy and fulling life.  Now that my husband has passed away I still live by what I learned years ago.  I never count on anyone to help make me happy as the key is still inside of me. 


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