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ShaktiSama -> RE: The sub/slave version of the ‘top 5 annoying Mistress traits’… (5/6/2009 11:37:29 AM)
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Hmmm. Dommes can possibly be annoying? Perish the thought! [:D]
Actually, I've been very lucky in that I have not had a lot of trouble getting along with other female dominants and enjoying their company as friends for the last 20 years. But I have run into a problem once or twice, and from what I've heard from friends, some of these things are a lot more common in the general population than they have been in my own life.
1. The Poacher. This is the domme version of the Home Wrecker pathology in vanilla life, basically. She's the chick who finds herself MORE attracted to a submissive, or at least not less attracted, when she knows that the submissive is committed to a relationship with another woman. She then tries to "steal" the submissive or at least fuck up the intimacy and trust of the relationship: why she does this varies, of course, but the upshot is that she simply doesn't respect anyone's collar and anyone's commitments but her own. Submissives who have low self-esteem can fall prey to this sort of woman pretty easily, because they're flattered by the attention and often don't have a lot of experience saying no. Usually subs who try to "trade up" to a Poacher end up losing a loving relationship with their original domme and are dumped by the Poacher very quickly. She never pursued that submissive for his/her intrinsic value--the thrill was in taking someone else's toys.
2. The "Heil Mistress" Domme-it-All. This sort of woman tends to show up in bdsm organizations that need volunteers and leadership. Events that need a planning or a fund-raising committee, clubs that need to arrange workshops and demonstrations or parties, yadda yadda. Point is that she enters a situation where a lot of people of all genders and orientations need to communicate and cooperate together in order to reach a common goal--and suddenly everyone feels as if it's 1929 in Berlin and she's trying to become Chancellor. She's pushing other people out, she's bullying and brow-beating, she's splintering the group into combative factions and forcing others to accept her ideas, opinions and plans, etc.. As often as not, a woman like this will kill the whole organization and lay waste to its community before she'll ever admit that she's in the wrong. Most experienced people in the bdsm community have learned to just close ranks and force a woman like this out of the picture as soon as her bad habits start to manifest.
3. The Stalker/the Strangling Vine. This is the woman who either cannot take "no" for an answer, or who doesn't understand what "I've found someone else" or "we're through" means. The same pathology exists in men and in the vanilla world, of course, and I've seen some cases where a female stalker did horrific damage to the lives of the men she stalked, including committing violence against their new partners, destroying their careers, etc.. It's not a common problem, but every once in a while there's a woman who just cannot stand to lose her investment of emotion and cannot give up her need for control. Domme ex-wives and domme ex-girlfriends, even domme mothers can exert a lot of negative power in the lives of submissive ex-partners and children, because they are simply not able to let go and give up control. It can get quite ugly.
4. The Twue Believer. This is the woman who cannot discuss bdsm with anyone without proselytizing for her own kinks, her own protocol, her own relationship structure, etc.. Polyamorous "Twue Believers" will tell you earnestly how much more "mature" and "in accordance with human nature" it is to practice their way of life, and how they are both morally superior and more sexually sophisticated than monogamous folk. No-Limits "Twue Believers" will tell you that their relationships are the "real thing" and that all other bdsm relationships are inferior in terms of intimacy, mutual trust, bladda bladda. People who are squicked by this or that kink will tell you why it is awful and bad and only perverts and Republicans would ever do such a thing. People who are turned on by this or that kink will tell you why it is the most wonderful awesome thing ever, and how people who don't do it aren't really into bdsm and should hang up their floggers and go home. It goes on and on, really, but the upshot is that the Twue Believer knows for a fact that She Is Right and You Are Wrong. Any time I see or hear someone using the words "true dominance" or "true submission" in a sentence, I tend to cringe. Usually what follows is not a considered opinion, but a sermon.
5. The Bait-and-Switch. This is the "domme" who is the property of a male dominant, and whose dominance exists only for his amusement. Men or women who are lured into play with this woman will find themselves subjected to the whims of the male dominant--someone they have not negotiated with, are not attracted to, and do not wish to submit to. This is not a generalization--there are women who are capable of serving one person and dominating another without being dishonest or misrepresenting the situation--but some women allow themselves to be used as a shill to lure submissives into scenes that they would not have agreed to if they knew the full details, and this is Not Cool.
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