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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 6:36:12 AM   
sirsholly


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quote:

Perhaps it is about forgetting myself… failing as a ‘submisive’.

I don’t know…
maybe it is about Him succeeding as a Dom? 

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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 7:15:56 AM   
cpK69


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

Perhaps it is about forgetting myself… failing as a ‘submisive’.

I don’t know…
maybe it is about Him succeeding as a Dom? 


I'm thinking he's pretty much got that covered.

Kim

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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 10:01:41 AM   
NyDaddysGirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

For those who have spoken so adamantly against fear in their dynamics, have you ever had a respected teacher, parent, mentor, coach, or sensei that you feared?

I have, and the same people I feared were people whom I would have trusted my very LIFE with (and did). I don't understand what fear has to do with trust, but perhaps that's only been because I've had numerous situations in my life where both went hand-in-hand, so to me, they could never be completely dichotomous.

Oh... and if you were to ask my offspring, who are now adults, you would, I am sure, hear that they have, at times, been afraid of me, and yet I have it on decent authority (from their friends, teachers, and associates) that I am a pretty doggone good parent in their eyes... so I'm curious how the people who believe that a person could never trust someone that they feared can explain that.

Dame Calla


No, I didn't grow up fearing anyone except for my mother (and that wasn't a good fear, let's just leave it at that).  I grew up respecting my father, teachers, elders.

I also certainly hope that my son never had occassion to fear me, while I do hope that he respects me.

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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 10:04:51 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Teachers I feared I did not respect and  more importantly I did not ask questions of. There certainly were some elderly curmudgeons(sp) who did not suffer fools gladly, but I wasn't afraid of them. I simply learned to ask questions in a way they would answer.

I hope my kids have never had reason to be genuinely afraid of me. Although there are things I do they don't like at the moment.

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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 10:37:53 AM   
variation30


Posts: 1190
Joined: 12/1/2007
From: Alabama
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Dominant-sorts: Do you think your submissive has any fear of you? Should they?


depends on how you define fear...but no and no.

they could feel anticipation or anxiety over coming pain...but I wouldn't call that fearing me.


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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 2:21:46 PM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		In our vanilla side of the relationship there is absolutely no fear but when we are at it, fear plays an active and healthy part in it.
This is a consensual emotion that I enjoy.
I will add to that, that I love and respect my partner as he does me.

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 7/19/2009 2:24:03 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 3:44:49 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		ive felt anxious, apprehensive, nervous with sweaty palms and that awful kinda fidgity feeling before it starts.  once it starts and acceptance kicks in those feelings go and im generally concentrating on trying to stay still.

i have a big problem with canes, crops, whips of any kind.  the thing about punishment is that its supposed to be horrible but when its over and finished with all you should be feeling is sore, not abused. 

i agree that when he says the belt will be used you should believe him.  im just thinking that he needs to work on youre abuse issues with the belt before he uses it to punish you.

punishment by definition is a negative situation.  but when its over it should be over there should be no hang over, no dragging on of bad feelings, no resentment.  it should be a clean slate, lesson learnt, time to move on.

this isnt happening -

in the end i think its really down to you guys to work out if this is something that is of benefit to youre relationship or not.

darn it!! lol. wrong thread - oh well!

< Message edited by lally2 -- 7/19/2009 3:48:26 PM >

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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 3:55:43 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		humph!

in answer to this thread.

i have never feared any of my dominant partners, ive felt a bit fearful of what they were about to do to me, but ive never been afraid of them.

however - i have lived in fear of a man, yes and it was horrible, miserable and lonely.

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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 4:10:16 PM   
Level


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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

humph!

in answer to this thread.





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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 6:00:52 PM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Submissive-types: Do you fear your dominant, at least to a degree? If so, why?
Dominant-sorts: Do you think your submissive has any fear of you? Should they?
Mental, physical, fear in any form, should fear play a part in D/s?


I wouldn’t be with someone who frightened me.  While I feel a Dominant might teach and guide me through things I am afraid of, he would do so in a manner that held me trusting and safe in him and his actions...regardless of the anxiety I might feel trying to please him and follow his directions. 

I am horribly afraid of heights and will drive hundreds of miles to avoid many of the high mountain passes here in Colorado.  It is a sickening and visceral feeling that knows no logic.  Were another human being to put me through such fear, I would put as much distance between me and them as possible.

Having said that…I bait my own hook and clean my own fish, I handle snakes and spiders; I am not a wimp...honest!  I will stand for a whipping that leaves me bloody and raw for over a week (much to the very deep concern of others around me)…just for his enjoyment and mine.  I can do this because I trust my own instincts and those of the one to whom I submit.  I can be apprehensive of pain and still desire it; but fear is not part of that dynamic.  Not for me.

To submit the way I do to another, I must trust him with all my spirit; not fear one iota of his being, decisions or desires.  Oh, and it takes awhile to build such trust…just another reason I do not submit to someone at the drop of a hat.  I recently read a sweet little book (Training to Pleasure by Julian Masters) that exemplifies that kind of trust-building.  It's fiction, based on reality.  I enjoyed it.

Enjoy,
b

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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 7:46:44 PM   
Padriag


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearlee

I am horribly afraid of heights and will drive hundreds of miles to avoid many of the high mountain passes here in Colorado.  It is a sickening and visceral feeling that knows no logic.  Were another human being to put me through such fear, I would put as much distance between me and them as possible.

That I think goes to the heart of so many of the replies.  Say the word "fear" an immediately thier thought turn to such extremes.  I find it intriguing few can imagine anything else.

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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 7:51:05 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		~FR before reading other responses~

I have no fear of Master at all. I only fear disappointing Him or letting Him down in any way. I have the utmost love and respect FOR Him, but absolutely no fear OF Him........

luci

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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 7:57:14 PM   
KneelforAnne


Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline 		~FR~

I've not read all of the responses, but to me this is a deal breaker.

I can't trust someone and be afraid of them at the same time.

I can't really "let go" if I have to wonder what will happen and if I will be safe.

Now, I can totally and completely fear disappointing, or being punished or things along those lines.

I cannot --will not-- fear that he will damage me because he is disappointed, or punishing me.

How do you trust someone you fear?



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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 8:04:45 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Submissive-types: Do you fear your dominant, at least to a degree? If so, why?

 
There was one who I feared.  If there was a still moment, then he moved, I'd flinch.  It wasn't fun to always be in that state of fear.   However, there are different kinds of "fear" and different contexts.  I like feeling a bit of intimidation, but I never want to feel in fear of my wellbeing.  There's a huge difference.   

quote:

Mental, physical, fear in any form, should fear play a part in D/s?


If it serves the parties involved, yes.  If it doesn't, then no. 

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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 8:31:00 PM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		I cannot understand why and how anyone would trust their life, health and safety to one that she feared.  Some seem to have confused "respect" with "fear".  They are radically different.  To live in fear is not healthy.

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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 8:35:11 PM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearlee

I am horribly afraid of heights and will drive hundreds of miles to avoid many of the high mountain passes here in Colorado.  It is a sickening and visceral feeling that knows no logic.  Were another human being to put me through such fear, I would put as much distance between me and them as possible.

That I think goes to the heart of so many of the replies.  Say the word "fear" an immediately thier thought turn to such extremes.  I find it intriguing few can imagine anything else.


Ah, well...I can also play with 'fear'…as long as I realize it is not real. Play-fear can be delicious and lots of fun, but to consciously agree to set aside reality (lack of fear) to play at being afraid...  Well that, for me, is another thing entirely.  Resistance play is a lot like that; it can trigger 'fear'...right up to tears; but still...is that the same?  For me it would be pretty intense roll-play, but deep down inside what would enable such play would be trust and respect…but no real fear at all.

I’m not sure if that is what it is you mean, Sir…but it is a delight to see you here.

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RE: Fear - 7/19/2009 9:14:20 PM   
janiebelle


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Joined: 4/29/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

  I like feeling a bit of intimidation, but I never want to feel in fear of my wellbeing.  There's a huge difference.   




That's it.  Right there.  Intimidation.  That's the description of the "fear" that eluded me.
Intimidation is good.  Sexy.  Powerful.  Much like "happy pain", intimidation could be described as "happy fear".
It's the "I am honestly concerned for my safety or life" fear that is "bad fear".
j

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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Fear - 7/20/2009 1:37:16 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KneelforAnne

~FR~

I've not read all of the responses, but to me this is a deal breaker.

I can't trust someone and be afraid of them at the same time.

I can't really "let go" if I have to wonder what will happen and if I will be safe.

Now, I can totally and completely fear disappointing, or being punished or things along those lines.

I cannot --will not-- fear that he will damage me because he is disappointed, or punishing me.

How do you trust someone you fear?




Sorry but I have read this sort of reply throughout the thread and its a contradiction in terms.



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(in reply to KneelforAnne)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Fear - 7/20/2009 3:35:17 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		There are times when yes I do fear Master. I fear his disappointment in me. I fear the physical punishment sometimes from him.

Fear imo can be a great motivator and imo there's nothing wrong with a little fear in a relationship. But I don't think it's healthy to build a relationship upon it.

I think there should be a nice balanace between all emotions.

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RE: Fear - 7/20/2009 3:41:24 AM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

This is Darcy

The only fear we have and should have in our relationship, is the fear of not being with each other.


Ditto...

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Profile   Post #: 60
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