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Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:06:42 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Tonight a situation occurred and for the first time since i've been in this relationship it occurred to me that i should not talk to Him about it... Please do notice i said should not talk to Him about it..{As much as i hate that word}. It's not that i could not..Because i am capable..and He is more than willing..i just don't know if it's in His best interest for me to bring this to Him, and i don't know that it's in the best interest of our relationship... The reality is i know He loves me and cares for me deeply. i also know that it pains Him when something causes me a great deal of pain...
So, tonight something from my past...Something that i thought (for the most part) i had dealt with..came up and just beat me in the face...When i had my initial emotional reaction He was there and as i tried to process it i attempted to convince Him i was 'okay' and reassured Him that He should go to bed...i don't necessarily feel good about what i did..But that's an issue for another day..
My question is what do You do when You have an issue You don't feel like You can (or should) take to Your Dom? i mean what if You truly feel like taking it to Him would cause more harm for Him than good?
Kali


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~~Sweedish Proverb

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:10:35 PM   
Cuffkinks


Posts: 1780
Joined: 5/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

i mean what if You truly feel like taking it to Him would cause more harm for Him than good?
Kali




While I understand and appreciate your concern, the bottom line is...That's not your decision to make.

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"I love you, Sir. You make my heart sing and my panties wet. What more could a girl ask for?" - hejira92

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:14:24 PM   
caelestis


Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline 		I find if something is hard to say, its usually easier to write out.  If I ever have an issue like that I approach it as "He cannot make healthy decisions for the both of us, if he does not know important things."  I prefer open, honest communication because things that are held in tend to fester, and burst into larger issues later down the line.

Best of luck and I hope everything goes well.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:15:02 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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Um, while I don't disagree with Caelistis' post, I was actually agreeing with Cuffkinks' post, and Caelistis jumped in....


< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 7/18/2009 11:16:34 PM >

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:19:15 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Dark Steven and CuffKinks,
i understand where You both are coming from....and frankly....well..You both are right.... having said that though...... damn.... Can't it just some time's be my decision? i mean seriously? i know this is going to sound very selfish and make me sound really horrible, but damn.... here goes..What if i just don't feel like i have the capacity to deal with the situation or the issue and worry about how this is impacting him or if He's okay or what the hell ever???
i'm really not trying to be argumentative...
Kali


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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:22:11 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hugs...

He already knows something is up and seems to have allowed you to pass it off for the time being. I would digest it as well as you can tonight, but be prepared to open up without his prompting... maybe by telling him you would like to talk about it when he is ready. Then do it. You could be surprised and find that although you think it might be a real challenge... that through the challenge or going through whatever it is, an even stronger bond is formed.  Yet, even if it is hurtful... holding something back could wear down what you share even without it being discussed.

Sometimes the hardest road to travel is actually the easiest in the long run.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:23:06 PM   
NormalOutside


Posts: 622
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline 		Maybe you can ask to speak with him and then give him the general topic of the issue, along with how you feel about it, and then ask him if he wants to know everything about it. If he knows it hurts you, and that you think it wouldn't be useful for him to know the whole story, he can make an informed decision if he wants to proceed or not.

I dunno, I think that's how I'd prefer it done, if I were he.


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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:24:22 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		Mine is slightly different. I'm in a real bad way, but also so is my frend sir. something horrible to him. he cant take on my stff now, though he is aware of what has transpired in my life. I feel lost so do he and nothing we can do for each other.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:28:48 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I don't see that as argumentative at all.  Frankly it sort of irks me that dominants are seen to be all powerful and entitled to every last piece of data.  Most men I connect with are of equal intelligence and life experience as I have, so what makes them know better than I?  There have been a few things I have shared over the years that in retrospect were shared too soon. 
For everything there is a season,
and a time for every matter under heaven:
As much as I believe it is best to be open, sometimes those things have to come on your own terms.  The best men in my life have understood that and allowed me time to process before ripping open those veins.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Dark Steven and CuffKinks,
i understand where You both are coming from....and frankly....well..You both are right.... having said that though...... damn.... Can't it just some time's be my decision? i mean seriously? i know this is going to sound very selfish and make me sound really horrible, but damn.... here goes..What if i just don't feel like i have the capacity to deal with the situation or the issue and worry about how this is impacting him or if He's okay or what the hell ever???
i'm really not trying to be argumentative...
Kali


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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:29:11 PM   
everhope


Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline 		hi Kali...

no.
superseding my judgement over his is not allowed in the relationship i am in.

may we all find our bliss.

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may we all find our bliss

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We all die.
The goal isn't to live forever.
The goal is to create something that will.






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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:30:37 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I will share a bit of something very much like this that I went through and have had to live with all the years since. I was not in a d/s relationship with the love of my life.  I knew something about my health, not what it was, but that it was bad and life changing and I wished to protect him. I knew he would never leave me and yet I knew that staying with me would change his life and I couldn't bear to do that to him. So I lied. I didn't tell him and the lie I did tell him send him away and both of us into heartache for many years to come.

I didn't give him a choice in his own life. I decided for him and that was wrong for me to do. Give your dominant and love a choice. Don't be sorry like me for not giving him what he needed to make that choice.

He may let you handle it, but he really should know about it.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:31:15 PM   
Cuffkinks


Posts: 1780
Joined: 5/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Dark Steven and CuffKinks,
i understand where You both are coming from....and frankly....well..You both are right.... having said that though...... damn.... Can't it just some time's be my decision? i mean seriously?



In a word...No.




_____________________________

Resident "11"

"I love you, Sir. You make my heart sing and my panties wet. What more could a girl ask for?" - hejira92

"And that's why it's good to be...Me." - Gene $immons

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:32:08 PM   
Racquelle


Posts: 600
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline 		I have learned that there are times when "talking about it" just doesn't do much of anything but dredge up negative feelings, bad memories, etc.  Especially if it is really really in the past, you can change nothing.  I learned this from my sub, who has dealt with the inconceivable with strength and grace.  Trust yourself that you will talk about what needs to be discussed, and not be sneaky - but there are times when silence is indeed golden.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:42:45 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		meh! like any other relationship...if it affects him in any way, or is likely to, then you must tell him....if not then odds are you should tell him.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/18/2009 11:44:45 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Okay here's the basic jist... About a month or so before we met something pretty horrific happened to me. He was made aware of that initially because we were concerned that it might impact our relationship because there might be some legal implications...Since then we've had to deal with it because it's affected every freaking area of our relationship..And frankly He's handled it with much more grace, dignity, and mercy than i've experienced from most other human beings i've met in my life... And tonight the author of the trauma surfaced again and made it all public knowledge...i was not in any way, shape or for, for this person to do this... And i'm so angry i don't honestly know if i'm ever going to be able to sleep again... i don't know that i've ever been this angry...He was great when i initially found out... He huged me, he held me, he held my hair back while i was puking, he ran to get me an iced tea, i mean He's absolutely great!! But, i guess i just don't feel like He needs me continuing to tell Him how livid i am..How i suddenly have fantasies of killing this bastard...i mean..Do You know what i mean?
Kali


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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 12:14:05 AM   
Cuffkinks


Posts: 1780
Joined: 5/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

But, i guess i just don't feel like He needs me continuing to tell Him how livid i am..How i suddenly have fantasies of killing this bastard...i mean..Do You know what i mean?
Kali




Again...That's not your decision to make. If he doesn't need you to continue telling him how livid you are, he'll let you know. If he knows you well enough, he already knows how livid you are. So...talking about it might help you feel better about the situation. Most likely, he's going to want to help you feel better. It's not up to you to deny him that.


_____________________________

Resident "11"

"I love you, Sir. You make my heart sing and my panties wet. What more could a girl ask for?" - hejira92

"And that's why it's good to be...Me." - Gene $immons

(in reply to Kalista07)
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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 12:20:14 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Kali, will you listen to Cuff already?  I know what happened as soon as it happened, and I don't even know you in the flesh.  Now I'm going to put my foot down and say "KNOCK IT OFF YOUNG LADY!"  This is not your burden to bear alone.  Turn it over to him.  You know it's the right thing to do. 


Cali




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AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 12:21:04 AM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Tonight a situation occurred and for the first time since i've been in this relationship it occurred to me that i should not talk to Him about it... Please do notice i said should not talk to Him about it..{As much as i hate that word}. It's not that i could not..Because i am capable..and He is more than willing..i just don't know if it's in His best interest for me to bring this to Him, and i don't know that it's in the best interest of our relationship... The reality is i know He loves me and cares for me deeply. i also know that it pains Him when something causes me a great deal of pain...
So, tonight something from my past...Something that i thought (for the most part) i had dealt with..came up and just beat me in the face...When i had my initial emotional reaction He was there and as i tried to process it i attempted to convince Him i was 'okay' and reassured Him that He should go to bed...i don't necessarily feel good about what i did..But that's an issue for another day..
My question is what do You do when You have an issue You don't feel like You can (or should) take to Your Dom? i mean what if You truly feel like taking it to Him would cause more harm for Him than good?
Kali




IF he cares about you and you simply say "give me some time please"...he will understand.
But if you care also...you will tell him sooner or later. I think he deserves that beeing a witness how you responded.
Don't let his fantasy go wild. People make lots of things up in mind. The truth is better and clearer.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 12:39:15 AM   
MissyCat


Posts: 6
Joined: 1/22/2009
Status: offline 		I think it is a sign that you care deeply for him and do not want to burden him with something from the past that you do not feel he can make any difference to.  But remember that talking things through - though they may not change the past - can sometimes ease the pain of the present time.  If you are suffering he will want to be there for you.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 12:57:54 AM   
Danemora


Posts: 752
Joined: 10/9/2006
Status: offline 		I guess what Id have to ask are the motivations behind not wanting to talk about this issue that you have stated is affecting every area of your relationship.  Are you concerned that you are laying too much on him by expressing your feelings?  I sincerely hope that you are able to process whatever you are feeling and that you both can have a discussion about whats going on.  I agree with what TurboJugend said.  I also agree with what Cuffkinks had to say as well.  Especially since this situation obviously impacts his life.  If the shoe was on the other foot and he was going through some things that were impacting your life, wouldnt it be fair for you to at least be given the chance to know whats going on?

What honestly is in his best interest?  To be told by the woman he cares about and supports to tell him she is "okay" when its obvious enough to him to ask because he could tell she wasnt.  To have to watch her suffer through something that is causing her pain, yet not be able to do anything about it because she wont tell him whats going on.






< Message edited by Danemora -- 7/19/2009 12:59:53 AM >

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