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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 2:18:11 PM

TurboJugend

Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend

I noticed in the thread title you use "Dom"..is he just that?

i'm not sure how you mean this when you say is He 'just' that but i will answer with this..i chose to use the word 'Dom' because i wanted to use the most inclusive word possible.
Kali

I was wondering if he was more then your Dom..perhaps..husband..boyfriend...lover.
I thought perhaps you chose Dom to border your territory...so you don't have to tell him personal stuff.

best description I could come with...in English.
(just..wasn't meant negative)

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 61

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 2:32:44 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

I think you may be referring to whatever area of expertise her issue may be revolving around (psychologically? physiologically?).

What I'm referring to is the "arena" of being competent in taking care of your sub/slave, as a D-type. If he's not competent in that arena, then the entire thread is moot.

No, because the two are intertwined. If she's a sexual assault survivor, then he may not be capable of taking care of her simply because what he thinks he should do may not at all be the appropriate thing to do.

Which is why going to a session with the therapist, with or without her, in order to learn what he does need to do to help her is the best option.

You do know what they say about good intentions?

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(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 62

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 3:21:02 PM

pixidustpet

Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend

Why didn't you let him hug you?
A loved one who rejects a hug...is weird...but he wil not die because of it.

( ok..perhaps to personal that question..sorry)

i'm obviously not kalista, but from my own experiences....

i'm a survivor of being raped (on more than one occasion, by different individuals) and a survivor of incest (by several individuals), and a survivor of physical and mental abuse again by more than one person.

and i still have flashbacks on occasion, and i still have times when i am in those flashbacks that i can not bear to be touched because it makes things worse for me, emotionally. and i have to look at TheEngineer when he asks if he can hug me to make it better and tell him "no". and it hurts both of us, but he waits till *i* can initiate any contact.

its rough, yes. and i *have* been through years of counselling. and it still occasionally happens, right along with the really terrible nightmares, and the suicidal thoughts. we fight them together, but sometimes we have to fight together *separately*.

kitten

(in reply to TurboJugend)

Post #: 63

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 4:14:22 PM

queencaliph

Posts: 131
Joined: 6/4/2007
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As a general rule, if something is hard to talk about to your partner, its usually a good sign that it NEEDS to be talked about. Give your Dom some credit. Its his job (and probably his pride) to listen to and help you solve whatever is going on with you. And whether you know it or not, keeping this to yourself is ALREADY causing harm to your relationship with him.

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Post #: 64

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 5:03:08 PM

kuriouswitch

Posts: 325
Joined: 6/17/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

My question is what do You do when You have an issue You don't feel like You can (or should) take to Your Dom? i mean what if You truly feel like taking it to Him would cause more harm for Him than good?
Kali

This has been happening to me a lot lately, at least once a week while with Master. Especially during "intimate" moments where I've had to beg him to stop. He always asks me why, and if he decides the reason is good enough, ie a flashback then he stops and lets me calm down and we talk about it, but there are times when he'll ask why and I freeze and I don't want to tell him, or sometimes I can't, I don't know how to express what's going on. With us, there are times when something happens and I regress back to the age it happened, usually very young and when that happens Master will let me call him Daddy (that took a lot of work on his part to get me kind of comfortable with that) and somehow, for some reason it makes it easier for me to tel him what's going on.

Another thing I do, if I didn't regress and tell "Daddy" then later, usually the next day I write in my journal and explain what i was feeling, what happened, did i "see" anything and why I was scared or had to stop. that helps too, cause my journal is online and accessable only to him and I (barring someone hacking into it) and so he can read it when he has time and then when he thinks both of us are ready we can address what I wrote and the issues and clear it up. That way it also gives me time to process more and it gives him time to cool down or come up with a solution if something upsets him or bothers him ect.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 65

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 5:43:17 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Can't say I've ever come across a time when I shouldn't talk to him about something or it wouldn't be in his best interest. The thought wouldn't even occur to me to not talk to him about whatever it is happened.

If I can't communicate with him then our relationship isn't going anywhere at all.

(in reply to Danemora)

Post #: 66

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 6:03:03 PM

badlilthang

Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee
*Angry-pot. . . kind of like a pity-pot but bright red and with a lot more adrenaline involved.

ooooh....i liked that little image...*L*...i have been on such a pot now and then...wow...and to get up is not always that easy as long as the adrenaline is still pouring out...

Occasionally I attain the heights of genuis. . . it is sustaining the altitude that elludes me.

oh yesss.....them there harsh and sudden landings...ouwie....

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(in reply to Aylee)

Post #: 67

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 10:16:49 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

No, because the two are intertwined. If she's a sexual assault survivor, then he may not be capable of taking care of her simply because what he thinks he should do may not at all be the appropriate thing to do.

You're missing the point. Even if he's incapable of dealing with her psychological issue (which should raise flags about being in the situation to begin with), then I would hope (or maybe I'm just projecting here) that there is an understood degree of trust, in choosing to surrender/submit to someone, that they can make those types of decisions. He's not even being given the chance to make the statement that seeking out a therapist is likely what's best. Granted, this isn't necessarily about him...but this is the dynamic that has been chosen by both parties.

Ironically, there is apparently only one lucid, objective party as it relates to her situation...and she's keeping that very party in the dark and then lashing out due to the emotional seclusion. The party that, presumably, has been chosen for his role because of his capacity to care and make prudent decisions.

(Note: Kallista, while I'm discussing an angle of the topic that I think is pertinent and forceful in order to induce some focus in a positive direction, I'd like you to at least know that my motivations aren't to be personally abrasive. Despite the fact that you asked the the original questions in a sense of acquiring responses from the general public, it's obvious that the intent is personal. Hence, this disclaimer.)

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 7/19/2009 10:19:47 PM >

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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 68

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 10:31:53 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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I tend to broaden these sort of considerations out not only from D/s dynamics but into relationships as, for me, they intertwine and oft-times even if separated, the answer's the same, imo. If someone is your One and you can not speak with them about an important issue that's at the very least an issue, probably a problem, and perhaps a big, screaming schism that could rattle and/or crumble the relationship.
Best wishes,
Davan

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(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 69

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 4:07:33 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Tonight a situation occurred and for the first time since i've been in this relationship it occurred to me that i should not talk to Him about it... Please do notice i said should not talk to Him about it..{As much as i hate that word}. It's not that i could not..Because i am capable..and He is more than willing..i just don't know if it's in His best interest for me to bring this to Him, and i don't know that it's in the best interest of our relationship... The reality is i know He loves me and cares for me deeply. i also know that it pains Him when something causes me a great deal of pain...
So, tonight something from my past...Something that i thought (for the most part) i had dealt with..came up and just beat me in the face...When i had my initial emotional reaction He was there and as i tried to process it i attempted to convince Him i was 'okay' and reassured Him that He should go to bed...i don't necessarily feel good about what i did..But that's an issue for another day..
My question is what do You do when You have an issue You don't feel like You can (or should) take to Your Dom? i mean what if You truly feel like taking it to Him would cause more harm for Him than good?
Kali

kalista,

He is your Dominant and as such he deserves to know what presents a major issue to his girl, that can impact him / talk to him about it.

CP

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 70

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 6:01:04 AM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

Some things have transpired that i thought i would inform someone of You about... i spoke with a very dear friend of mine yesterday who stated that in His opinion i needed to tell...{Actually He said something about me running

} So, i told Him everything..The good, the bad, the ugly, the scary, and even the dangerous. He handled it with wonderful tact and grace that i knew He would. i was also honest with Him that i hadn't wanted to share it with Him because i didn't want to worry Him because of everything He has going on, etc. It went okay.
And while i did share it with Him, and have agreed to continue to.
i still don't know that i agree in theory that i'm wrong to want to keep these things to myself.
Kali

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(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 71

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 6:13:15 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

i still don't know that i agree in theory that i'm wrong to want to keep these things to myself.
Kali

Kali...i always read your posts and sometimes i think you and i are a lot alike.

There are things i really want to keep to myself. Not because i do not want him to know, but because sharing with him makes the situation all that more real and does not permit me to bury me head in the sand.

But...keeping things to myself is not fair and not right, and burying my head in the sand makes me sneeze, so i tell him...eventually. Eventually because I do have a habit of working the situation in my mind..turning it this way and that...trying to deal with the reality of the situation myself before telling him forces me to deal with it.

And finally...i learned the hard way that i never, ever want to open my mouth when emotion is stronger than common sense. Ever, never. I have landed my ass in hot water enough times to make that my mantra. Time will allow common sense to over ride emotion, and only then will i address the issue.

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(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 72

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 7:12:57 AM

badlilthang

Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Time will allow common sense to over ride emotion, and only then will i address the issue.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

Also a very good point, holly - to wait until the adrenaline rush has calmed a bit before adressing the issues - or sharing...we need time to process things very personal and difficult things like this in our own minds first - and when we have things somewhat clicking into place - open up and share with the One we (should) trust with the good as well as the bad...s...

_____________________________

.Forgiveness is the fragrance a flower leaves in the air after being crushed underfoot.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 73

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 10:04:04 AM

TurboJugend

Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixidustpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend

Why didn't you let him hug you?
A loved one who rejects a hug...is weird...but he wil not die because of it.

( ok..perhaps to personal that question..sorry)

i'm obviously not kalista, but from my own experiences....

i'm a survivor of being raped (on more than one occasion, by different individuals) and a survivor of incest (by several individuals), and a survivor of physical and mental abuse again by more than one person.

and i still have flashbacks on occasion, and i still have times when i am in those flashbacks that i can not bear to be touched because it makes things worse for me, emotionally. and i have to look at TheEngineer when he asks if he can hug me to make it better and tell him "no". and it hurts both of us, but he waits till *i* can initiate any contact.

its rough, yes. and i *have* been through years of counselling. and it still occasionally happens, right along with the really terrible nightmares, and the suicidal thoughts. we fight them together, but sometimes we have to fight together *separately*.

kitten

thank you for explaining.
that sounds logic.

(in reply to pixidustpet)

Post #: 74

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 10:54:40 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

My question is what do You do when You have an issue You don't feel like You can (or should) take to Your Dom? i mean what if You truly feel like taking it to Him would cause more harm for Him than good?

it hasn't happened in the 6+ years we have been together...and if it did, this slave would seriously consider begging for release.

just having that thought process play out in this slave's mind would be a MAJOR issue...one that would leave her questioning her own mental health, not just the health of the relationship.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 75

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 10:57:45 AM

Loki45

Posts: 2100
Joined: 5/13/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07
But, i guess i just don't feel like He needs me continuing to tell Him how livid i am..How i suddenly have fantasies of killing this bastard...i mean..Do You know what i mean?
Kali

Yep he does. Because that's a part of who you are. Don't just share the happy stuff. Share it all. If he's anything like I would be in a similar situation, he's probably having those same thoughts as we speak.

_____________________________

"'Till the roof comes off, 'till the lights go out
'Till my legs give out, can't shut my mouth."

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 76

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 10:59:11 AM

Loki45

Posts: 2100
Joined: 5/13/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07
Some things have transpired that i thought i would inform someone of You about... i spoke with a very dear friend of mine yesterday who stated that in His opinion i needed to tell...{Actually He said something about me running } So, i told Him everything..The good, the bad, the ugly, the scary, and even the dangerous. He handled it with wonderful tact and grace that i knew He would. i was also honest with Him that i hadn't wanted to share it with Him because i didn't want to worry Him because of everything He has going on, etc. It went okay.
And while i did share it with Him, and have agreed to continue to.
i still don't know that i agree in theory that i'm wrong to want to keep these things to myself.
Kali

Good to hear. My initial post was a bit late, but it turns out I was right (more or less).

_____________________________

"'Till the roof comes off, 'till the lights go out
'Till my legs give out, can't shut my mouth."

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 77

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 11:14:34 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Tonight a situation occurred and for the first time since i've been in this relationship it occurred to me that i should not talk to Him about it... Please do notice i said should not talk to Him about it..{As much as i hate that word}. It's not that i could not..Because i am capable..and He is more than willing..i just don't know if it's in His best interest for me to bring this to Him, and i don't know that it's in the best interest of our relationship... The reality is i know He loves me and cares for me deeply. i also know that it pains Him when something causes me a great deal of pain...
So, tonight something from my past...Something that i thought (for the most part) i had dealt with..came up and just beat me in the face...When i had my initial emotional reaction He was there and as i tried to process it i attempted to convince Him i was 'okay' and reassured Him that He should go to bed...i don't necessarily feel good about what i did..But that's an issue for another day..
My question is what do You do when You have an issue You don't feel like You can (or should) take to Your Dom? i mean what if You truly feel like taking it to Him would cause more harm for Him than good?
Kali

I don't know if I can advise.
This happened to me two months ago. It was a deep issue and eventually I spoke to my Master. It was an issue from my past. I was triggered and could not stop myself because I knew that if I could not talk it through then it would fester and grow inside of me.
It was as it happened too much for him to handle. He was honest. I released myself.
Looking back I have regrets that I spoke of it. Time would have handled it perhaps. And I hold myself responsib;e for accelerating an end game.

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(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 78

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 11:24:21 AM

HeadmasterDavid

Posts: 15
Joined: 7/12/2009
Status: offline

It all depends on how your relationship is set up. For some couples it is a violation of their agreement for the sub to hold back anything at all from the Dom. For others, there is more autonomy and privacy allowed. For us to speculate on how your relationship is set up would be for us to transfer our understanding of how our own relationships work in this arena onto yours, which is not fair.

My preference is, right near the start of a relationship, to have a soul-baring, gut-wrenching come-clean session that involves a lot of pain and crying and what some on these boards have termed "breaking", wherein the sub is required to expose every last secret she has been holding onto, and that then becomes the basis for true intimacy. She learns that there is no secret, no bodily fluid, no smell, no bad news that her Master cannot handle with maturity, and it allows her the freedom later to reveal any and every painful thing that impinges upon her life, without ever having to worry about how he is going to take the news. (It also has the side effect of removing a lot of the apprehension about anal sex and other edgy sexual activities when you can see your Dom as a person capable of handling absolutely everything you can throw at them.)

(in reply to Loki45)

Post #: 79

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 11:24:21 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

And tonight the author of the trauma surfaced again and made it all public knowledge...i was not in any way, shape or for, for this person to do this... And i'm so angry i don't honestly know if i'm ever going to be able to sleep again... i don't know that i've ever been this angry...

*dons therapist hat*

Do you realize that this might have a positive side, Kali?

If this person had resurfaced a year ago, what would your reaction have been? I may be wrong, but my guess is it would have been much more passive and you would not be feeling the anger toward him that you are feeling. There is no doubt you would have had a huge level of anger, but i question who you would have directed it towards. I am thinking you would have turned it toward yourself.

If i am correct in the above, it is a very positive sign of healing.

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(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 80

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