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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 9:45:29 AM

Lockit

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Kali, considering that there is so much going on, I think what some others have suggested in going to someone who can take hearing it all better would be a good idea, just try not to leave anyone out. There is only so much people can handle at one time and you all have a lot going on. Sometimes you just have to take a break from a bit of it or an aspect of it. He knows... you know... nothing is really hidden, so bring in someone who might be able to help you digest it all and get through it, with you both there for some hugs and support if needed.

I'm so sorry you both are so overwhelmed.

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Post #: 41

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 10:40:40 AM

CaringandReal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds

Mine is slightly different. I'm in a real bad way, but also so is my frend sir. something horrible to him. he cant take on my stff now, though he is aware of what has transpired in my life. I feel lost so do he and nothing we can do for each other.

That's a very tough place to be in. :(

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 42

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 10:40:59 AM

LafayetteLady

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From: Northern New Jersey
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FR

Kali,

You are in a relationship, he knows something is going on and is being supportive already. D/s dynamic aside, YOU still need to process this and sort out your feelings. CatdeMedici's advice on this was spot on. Just because of the D/s dynamic, you don't lose the right to cope with your own feelings about something before telling him. Obviously at some point, you will share things with him. You mention how livid the situation has made you. Sometimes we need to get a handle on those feelings before sharing with someone else. There is nothing wrong with saying, "I love you and I know you will be wonderfully supportive, but at the moment, I'm so freaking mad, I just can't discuss it with you or anyone right now, but I promise as soon as I have control of my feelings, when I can calmly tell you everything, I will share it with you." Just like you aren't pushing him to discuss the situation with his mother's illness. I'm sure he knows that when he wants to talk, you will be there. That isn't a D/s thing, it is a relationship thing. You support each other and be there for each other.

I'm sorry you are going through such a thing, and glad that you are going to talk with a TRAINED PROFESSIONAL who will help you sort this out. I'm not saying that your master isn't intelligent, or sensitive, or caring. I'm sure that he is based on what you have said. But it sounds like this situation requires a bit more. If you fell and broke your leg, would you rely on his decision as to whether you should see a doctor? I hope not. Share with him what you can at the moment and assure him that you will tell him everything when you have a bit more control over how you feel yourself. Good luck.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 43

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 11:02:59 AM

CaringandReal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Dark Steven and CuffKinks,
i understand where You both are coming from....and frankly....well..You both are right.... having said that though...... damn.... Can't it just some time's be my decision? i mean seriously? i know this is going to sound very selfish and make me sound really horrible, but damn.... here goes..What if i just don't feel like i have the capacity to deal with the situation or the issue and worry about how this is impacting him or if He's okay or what the hell ever???
i'm really not trying to be argumentative...
Kali

Ok, here's something I've done. I had one of those relationships where it couldn't be my decision but once in a while I'd still be very freaked about talking to him about something. So in those cases I'd say to him, there's something I haven't told you, it's really, really hard for me to tell you, it's not life-threatening or relationship-threatening, just very hard for me to talk about, could I please keep it to myself for awhile?

Maybe your dom will be Ok with this, maybe he won't but if it's that important not to talk about it, asking for a time-out might not hurt. And maybe if you can choose your time to tell him, you can pick a time when you think it will impact him less?

In the interests of honesty I need to say how this turned out for me. In each case where I was reluctant to speak becuase I was concerned about the impact my revelations would have on him, it turned out I had grossly underestimated him. In one case he laughed and laughed at me (and with relief--as terrible as I thought what I had to tell him was, he'd expected far worse). Also, in each of these cases, the waiting period, the withholding of information even for a temporary time, made it worse for me. The worry about the issue festered. It made it much harder to eventually tell him in the end and I wished, each time, I had just spit it out at the start.

Yes I know the above suggestion is a compromise and not fully what you want, but (and the truth of this next statement depend a lot on the nature of the relationship you have, but the fact that you are asking this question to begin with gives me some idea that it is relevant) anything other than full disclosure from the submissive tends to seriously undermine this sort of relationship. I heard you say you think the effect on him will be quite bad, but I think the effect of not telling your dominant things is much worse, not right away maybe, but in the long run. It's a slipperly slope kind of thing. You don't think it's going to be that way, but people don't generally have foreknowledge of danger just before they start to slide down a mountain, either.

The subject perhaps, to bring up with him is his reactions to some of your disclosures and how they make you want to hide things from him. Perhaps if he knew how powerfully this was affecting you, he could learn to handle his responses in a different way, that wouldn't make you so fearful to fully communicate with him?

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 44

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 11:25:53 AM

Kalista07

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Thanks to all for your reply's so far...

At this point i have virtually no idea what the right thing to do is for Him, for me, or for anyone else in the free world. i'm trying to find an inconspicuous way to get Him to go spend some time with His friends so i can have some time to think and stuff...
Kali

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~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to CaringandReal)

Post #: 45

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 11:31:24 AM

MistressDoMe

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Joined: 7/24/2006
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I think you are going to have to tell him.
The question is, how long are you going to beat yourself up about not telling him,
until you get to the point that you do have to tell him?

< Message edited by MistressDoMe -- 7/19/2009 11:33:51 AM >

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 46

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 12:04:00 PM

CalifChick

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Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

i'm trying to find an inconspicuous way to get Him to go spend some time with His friends so i can have some time to think and stuff...

Kali kali kali (shaking head). You're still clutching on to the control. How about saying to him, "I think I need some time alone to think about what happened. Would this be a good day for you to go play golf with your friends?"

Don't you think that is more honest, more transparent, and much cleaner than trying to figure out a way to get him out of the house without him catching on?

Cali

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(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 47

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 12:08:21 PM

TurboJugend

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Joined: 6/15/2009
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Agree

Asking him to go....and not telling him what is wrong...sounds like relational suicide.
His imagination will go wild.....o.k..mine would go wild..
Can't judge for him.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 48

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 12:42:48 PM

RedMagic1

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick
Kali, will you listen to Cuff already? I know what happened as soon as it happened, and I don't even know you in the flesh. Now I'm going to put my foot down and say "KNOCK IT OFF YOUNG LADY!" This is not your burden to bear alone. Turn it over to him. You know it's the right thing to do.

Cali

Do this.

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(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 49

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 1:07:19 PM

Kalista07

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SEE... THIS is why i didn't want to be honest with Him...So, He just said to me.."So, how are you doing emotionally." and i just sat here for a few minutes..And He said, "Are you thinking about it? Do you not know how to answer it? or do you not want to talk about it?" Finally i said, "Well, i'm not doing so good." And He asked if i knew why and i responded that i did. So, he asked me if it was about this or that and i informed Him that it was about what had come up last night and He asked if there was anything He could do and i told Him i did not think so..And then He said was i sure there wasn't anything He could do so i of course informed Him that sure He could go beat the hell out of this guy and kill Him... and then He looked at me and asked if He could give me a hug..and i had to tell Him no...and i saw the look...FUCK!!!
Kali
Who's beginning to believe she should just go live in a cave..

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 50

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 1:10:33 PM

TurboJugend

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Why didn't you let him hug you?
A loved one who rejects a hug...is weird...but he wil not die because of it.

( ok..perhaps to personal that question..sorry)

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 51

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 1:27:27 PM

Aylee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

SEE... THIS is why i didn't want to be honest with Him...So, He just said to me.."So, how are you doing emotionally." and i just sat here for a few minutes..And He said, "Are you thinking about it? Do you not know how to answer it? or do you not want to talk about it?" Finally i said, "Well, i'm not doing so good." And He asked if i knew why and i responded that i did. So, he asked me if it was about this or that and i informed Him that it was about what had come up last night and He asked if there was anything He could do and i told Him i did not think so..And then He said was i sure there wasn't anything He could do so i of course informed Him that sure He could go beat the hell out of this guy and kill Him... and then He looked at me and asked if He could give me a hug..and i had to tell Him no...and i saw the look...FUCK!!!
Kali
Who's beginning to believe she should just go live in a cave..

Hmmm. . . I do not think that a cave is necessary. . .

However, perhaps you should just tell him that, "Right now I do not want to be touched or talked to, I just want to sit on my "angry-pot*" all by myself."

If you have a park or walking trail nearby, you might consider some walking.

*Angry-pot. . . kind of like a pity-pot but bright red and with a lot more adrenaline involved.

Of course you do realize that part of this anger is procrastination. . . I mean. . . once you stop being panicked and pissed-off about this, you have to do decide just what you are going to do about this (if anything) or respond to it (if at all.) Staying pissed-off lets you keep putting that decision off.

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I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 52

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 1:28:11 PM

badlilthang

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Joined: 6/22/2006
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quote:

He looked at me and asked if He could give me a hug..and i had to tell Him no...and i saw the look...FUCK!!!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

my 2 cents - even a hug now is an obsticle that seems a mile high to you...but - that might also give you the emotional release you need to let out the pain and anger you have inside. a hug is safe - warm and embraces not only your body, but also your entire being...maybe that is whyn that hug seemed so hard for you to accept? You are struggling with things i have no idea about - but from what i have read - they are pretty rough on you.

your One seems to be understanding and strong - so trust in Him to be there for you - and go on with councelling by a professional - for the things He can not take care of. If you feel you can, invite Him with you for a session or two..

and if you do need time to be alone - just ask Him if He can give you that...even if you just slip into another room for a little bit. The most important thing i feel is this - invite Him in - do not make decisions for Him - give Him the chance to decide for himself...keeping Him at arms length is not helping Him nor you - He will feel helpless because you do not let Him in - and you will feel lost - because you are pushing Him away. Sometimes we need to trust in another being - and accept the help offered...

i so hope things will solve themselves for you - and that you will find the balance in your life.

warm hugs from me!

_____________________________

.Forgiveness is the fragrance a flower leaves in the air after being crushed underfoot.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 53

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 1:30:20 PM

badlilthang

Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
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quote:

*Angry-pot. . . kind of like a pity-pot but bright red and with a lot more adrenaline involved.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

ooooh....i liked that little image...*L*...i have been on such a pot now and then...wow...and to get up is not always that easy as long as the adrenaline is still pouring out...

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.Forgiveness is the fragrance a flower leaves in the air after being crushed underfoot.

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Post #: 54

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 1:39:30 PM

TurboJugend

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I noticed in the thread title you use "Dom"..is he just that?

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 55

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 1:51:38 PM

Cuffkinks

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quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

and if you do need time to be alone - just ask Him if He can give you that...even if you just slip into another room for a little bit. The most important thing i feel is this - invite Him in - do not make decisions for Him - give Him the chance to decide for himself...keeping Him at arms length is not helping Him nor you - He will feel helpless because you do not let Him in - and you will feel lost - because you are pushing Him away. Sometimes we need to trust in another being - and accept the help offered...

Very well put.

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(in reply to badlilthang)

Post #: 56

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 2:00:31 PM

badlilthang

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Joined: 6/22/2006
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i have a moment of clarity now and then....*winks* - and Thank You kindly.

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Post #: 57

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 2:12:03 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
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~Fast Reply~
I'm sure that He knows something is wrong. I've had some of the worst things in the world (seemingly) happen in my life and really bother me, and Sir tells me that He wants me to talk to Him about anything, that it's all about trust.....and that anything that affects me affects Him. Sometimes things are really hard to talk about with anybody, but I say give Him a chance. How can He help you if you don't let Him?

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Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to badlilthang)

Post #: 58

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 2:15:02 PM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend

I noticed in the thread title you use "Dom"..is he just that?

i'm not sure how you mean this when you say is He 'just' that but i will answer with this..i chose to use the word 'Dom' because i wanted to use the most inclusive word possible that way as many people as possible could relate/respond/ whatever to this post.
Kali

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 7/19/2009 2:16:27 PM >

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to TurboJugend)

Post #: 59

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 2:17:15 PM

Aylee

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Joined: 10/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee
*Angry-pot. . . kind of like a pity-pot but bright red and with a lot more adrenaline involved.

ooooh....i liked that little image...*L*...i have been on such a pot now and then...wow...and to get up is not always that easy as long as the adrenaline is still pouring out...

Occasionally I attain the heights of genuis. . . it is sustaining the altitude that elludes me.

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to badlilthang)

Post #: 60

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