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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 4:15:22 AM

Zechriel

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Good morning!
Sounds like you had a panic attack at the thought of your life upheaving again. I get them alot-for little things even. Thing is...this situation is going to be around for a while until you get it all settled. Right? Since Master was there and knows about it in the beginning, and has been by your side, and there thru your attack-which by itself is so embarrassing as we often loose control of our bodies thru the attack-there is really no reason to hold back on him now. He would look at it as you not trusting his judgement, feelings, concern for you, or his overall ability as a "man". Yes, men need to be men to us women sometimes. YOU will need someone to hold you, care for you, and be your rock thru this. But you need to let him be there with you for his sake AND yours. If he leaves when it is all over, then ther is nothing you can so, but know that you gave him everything, let him in on everything and you were no lesser person for laying it all out on the line.
There are lots of topics I would rather not dicuss with Daddy-menopause(which is hurting so bad right now), my shoulder (which I hurt back in Jan and is not healing properly), my occult work (he's not into that) but since the beginning he has told me to tell him everything and I fought it. Thought I knew better that keeping it from him would hurt him less...and it would have BUT I told him that and he still said to tell him...so I do. I made my disclaimer, he made his-now he can never come back and say "You shouldn't have...." Because I can say "You told me..." I wrote in my journal "Daddy wants to be burdened" because he does, he wants to hear about my life and concerns. I would ask your Master "with all this comingup/out, do you want me to tell you everything or wait until you ask? or not at all?" Then you can quit guessing when he answers you-but make sure you believe what he answers, don't second guess that! If they want to be our soft place when we fall, and they SAY so...then let him start BEING your soft spot. Good luck darling!
Love,
Zechriel

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 4:45:51 AM

CatdeMedici

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You are going to get alot of answers here that mandate what you must do, you must tell him, you must communicate etc etc etc--though I am a huge proponent of open communication--I am also a proponent that timing is everything and sometimes WE, the person involved, needs time to sort through the myriad of emotions in order to present things in as calm, as clear and as concise a manner as possible--the cat is half way out of the bag, that's a given--however, he does have the right to know how big of a cat it is and how deadly---if this is something that could cause you/He harm--he has the right to know, if only because he is involved with you in an intimate relationship--if this is going to mean your public exposure, he has the right to know--HOWEVER, you have to evaluate what has transpired, how you feel, and how you will cope as you go forward and where you need his support or lack of it.

My recommendation is to calmly say: " i know you are aware that xxxx has disturbed me greatly and i want to share xxx with you, however, at this moment, i need to feel what i'm feeling, deal with what i'm feeling before i can share it with you---i am working on it and i promise that by xxx date, we can sit and talk about this, this is where, Master, i need your support most at this moment."

Food for thought.

< Message edited by CatdeMedici -- 7/19/2009 5:07:37 AM >

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 4:58:33 AM

Level

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Excellent answer, Cat.

Now, kali, the one thing I would add is, he may not be willing to wait. Do you submit to his wishes, and tell him right away? Or disobey him, in order to do what you think is best for yourself (and the situation)?

Hard choices.

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Post #: 23

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 5:04:16 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
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From: Quietville
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quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

i mean what if You truly feel like taking it to Him would cause more harm for Him than good?
Kali

While I understand and appreciate your concern, the bottom line is...That's not your decision to make.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Dark Steven and CuffKinks,
i understand where You both are coming from....and frankly....well..You both are right.... having said that though...... damn.... Can't it just some time's be my decision? i mean seriously? i know this is going to sound very selfish and make me sound really horrible, but damn.... here goes..What if i just don't feel like i have the capacity to deal with the situation or the issue and worry about how this is impacting him or if He's okay or what the hell ever???
i'm really not trying to be argumentative...
Kali

the reason why you do not want to discuss this issue with him is irrelevant. The fact is you are not ready to talk about it.

He wants what is best for you, and as hard as it is for him to deal with, what is best right now is to back off and give you the time you need. The words will flow when you are ready.

sending you a hug and a prayer, Kali

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 5:22:01 AM

barelynangel

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If you can't turn to him, if you can't trust IN him, if you want to leave him on the sidelines not knowing and understanding the truth but having to guesstimate and simply watch you wondering as well as second guessing how strong your relationship really is -- then don't tell him.

This thing has been effecting him throughout your whole relationship, he has been dealing with the backlash of it, and NOW you want to leave him out of it? I mean i could see if you had been holding back on him all along to have this delimma, but you haven't and he HAS been dealing with the backlash that has been effecting every part of your relationship -- do you really think NOT telling him will have him not dealing with it anymore? He still will but you will make him do so blindly all of a sudden.

I doubt he is a stupid Man. He probably gave you space last night because he knew you needed it, so you have a choice, you can leave him in the dark and make him FIGHT YOU or you can allow light in and be honest with how you feel about bringing it to him and allow HIM to figure out how HE wants to deal with it.

You brought him on the ride, you shouldn't kick him off just because you reached the big hill and the ride may get a little scarier than you expected.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 7/19/2009 5:59:02 AM >

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 5:46:32 AM

DesFIP

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Then go see someone who can help you process it better and decide if there's anything you can or should do. You did tell him about it. Now tell him that it's effecting you worse than you thought, so you've made an appointment to talk to a lawyer/therapist/murderer for hire etc.

Dumping on him endlessly won't be good for either of you, but neither is you lying to him saying you're okay when you aren't. You can't deal with this and there's only so much he can do, sounds like it's time to take it to someone else. But he still needs to know that you aren't okay.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 6:02:21 AM

sirsholly

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From: Quietville
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Then go see someone who can help you process it better and decide if there's anything you can or should do. You did tell him about it. Now tell him that it's effecting you worse than you thought, so you've made an appointment to talk to a lawyer/therapist/murderer for hire etc.

Dumping on him endlessly won't be good for either of you, but neither is you lying to him saying you're okay when you aren't. You can't deal with this and there's only so much he can do, sounds like it's time to take it to someone else. But he still needs to know that you aren't okay.

Another thing you can do Kali, if you choose the counseling (and i think it is a great idea) is to bring him into a session with the therapist to discuss the issues you are having, if you still find yourself having difficulty discussing it with him on your own.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 6:14:08 AM

angelikaJ

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Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Then go see someone who can help you process it better and decide if there's anything you can or should do. You did tell him about it. Now tell him that it's effecting you worse than you thought, so you've made an appointment to talk to a lawyer/therapist/murderer for hire etc.

Dumping on him endlessly won't be good for either of you, but neither is you lying to him saying you're okay when you aren't. You can't deal with this and there's only so much he can do, sounds like it's time to take it to someone else. But he still needs to know that you aren't okay.

I like this answer.

The lie of being told things are ok when they are not is destructive.
You may think you are protecting him but he knows you.
What are you protecting him from?
Worry?
He is already worried and if you close him off and he can't see where your head is at he will likely worry more and not less.

Being told one thing when the opposite is true is crazy making.

As for this: "...And tonight the author of the trauma surfaced again and made it all public knowledge..."

Is there anything incriminating in what was made public that might be helpful to the proper authorities?

Kali,
I am so sorry for what you are going through now and what you went through then.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 7:22:47 AM

Kalista07

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Joined: 7/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
murderer for hire etc.

Damn Celeste...
No one told me i had this option...hmmmm.....
Seriously though...i already have a cal in to a professional...Therapist..Not hit person...i don't even know any professional hit people here....Anymore...Dang it..And i have done this before {talked to the therapist and then brought him in later} so it might be a good idea..
Thanks all.
Kali

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Post #: 29

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 7:37:07 AM

Roselaure

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
murderer for hire etc.

Damn Celeste...
No one told me i had this option...hmmmm.....
Seriously though...i already have a cal in to a professional...Therapist..Not hit person...i don't even know any professional hit people here....Anymore...Dang it..And i have done this before {talked to the therapist and then brought him in later} so it might be a good idea..
Thanks all.
Kali

Another reason to talk to your Dom...he might know some hitmen

Seriously Kali, I'm sorry you are going through all this. I know what it's like not to want to burden other people with my shit. But he wants to help you...let him.

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Post #: 30

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 7:48:59 AM

Missokyst

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Joined: 9/9/2006
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LOL I had those options with my ex husband, when I did have those kind of connections. For a couple of delicious moments it felt good to fantasize about it, but in the end I just continued to get massive heaves when ever I had to see him. Your current partner sounds like he knows a bit of what is going on and that is great. It is difficult to let someone see the side (hatred, loathing, anger, violence) that lives within most of us. It feels as if there is a jeckle/hyde thing going on and no one wants their loving partner to see the hideous beast.
I still don't believe that one role is more wise than the other but in your case he has shown you he can handle what he knows now. I will bet he is willing to wait until you are ready to reveal more. Do ask for time if you need it and let that be in his hands.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
murderer for hire etc.

Damn Celeste...
No one told me i had this option...hmmmm.....
Seriously though...i already have a cal in to a professional...Therapist..Not hit person...i don't even know any professional hit people here....Anymore...Dang it..And i have done this before {talked to the therapist and then brought him in later} so it might be a good idea..
Thanks all.
Kali

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 31

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 7:59:03 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Roselaure

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
murderer for hire etc.

Damn Celeste...
No one told me i had this option...hmmmm.....
Seriously though...i already have a cal in to a professional...Therapist..Not hit person...i don't even know any professional hit people here....Anymore...Dang it..And i have done this before {talked to the therapist and then brought him in later} so it might be a good idea..
Thanks all.
Kali

Another reason to talk to your Dom...he might know some hitmen

sheesh...you people are evil. Evil i say!!!!!

no wonder i lubs it here

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Post #: 32

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 8:25:36 AM

NihilusZero

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A sub of mine keeping information from me directly prevents me from adequately taking care of her. Not fond. And if she genuinely trusts my competence in that topic, she certainly would not be subverting my decision as to what's best "for the relationship" by substituting her own in secret.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 8:39:01 AM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

My question is what do You do when You have an issue You don't feel like You can (or should) take to Your Dom? i mean what if You truly feel like taking it to Him would cause more harm for Him than good?
Kali

Kalista, two thoughts. How would you feel if he kept something like this from you? Second, BSB being unable to talk about difficult things is behind the two times she ripped my heart out.

Okay, here's a third thought. I wouldn't be in a relationship where I couldn't go to her with anything and I try my best to to be the sort of partner where she knows she can come to me with anything.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 34

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 8:59:39 AM

Kalista07

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Michael...
i guess my confusion is i haven't 'really' kept anything from Him..i mean He still knows i'm upset...Does He know to what degree? No...But is that relevant? i really am not sure. i mean He was there last night..He saw the physical reaction...When i woke up this morning He asked how i was doing and i did not lie..i didn't give Him my usual 'fine'...And honestly...on some level He is doing the same thing to me..Currently He's struggling with coping with the fact that His mom is going through issues with breast cancer... i try to just let Him know i'm here for Him if i can do anything to help....
Kali

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Post #: 35

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 9:02:51 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Kali, he KNOWS what happened, so isn't this just an extension of it?

There are times when talking makes things worse. Is this one of those times? If it is, ask for some space and time and understanding---it's not like he is not capable of that!! I am not a proponent of hiding issues from your dominant or your partner, but let him know that you ARE getting help processing this issue. As Missokyst said, we are all just people, and being dominant does not mean that we know all the answers. Take a deep breath, and take care of yourself. I think that you can trust your dom, now trust YOURSELF.

You are SAFE. The past is the past, and it can only hurt you if you allow it to. You are in a good place now (health notwithstanding) and you know that you have the strength to stand against this person and all he represents.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 9:17:28 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
And if she genuinely trusts my competence in that topic,

What if he isn't competent in this arena?

What if he's an engineer or a heavy equipment operator or a surgeon but not what she needs, which is a therapist to deal with the trauma and a lawyer to see if she has any legal recourse?

So what does she do now is the question? Answer: go to someone who is trained to handle these issues, and keep him up to date on what's happening.

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Post #: 37

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 9:27:32 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

What if he isn't competent in this arena?

I think you may be referring to whatever area of expertise her issue may be revolving around (psychologically? physiologically?).

What I'm referring to is the "arena" of being competent in taking care of your sub/slave, as a D-type. If he's not competent in that arena, then the entire thread is moot.

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I know they're all insane
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I know that I'm to blame."
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Post #: 38

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 9:36:14 AM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

quote:

i guess my confusion is i haven't 'really' kept anything from Him..i mean He still knows i'm upset...Does He know to what degree? No...But is that relevant? i really am not sure. i mean He was there last night..He saw the physical reaction...When i woke up this morning He asked how i was doing and i did not lie..i didn't give Him my usual 'fine'...And honestly...on some level He is doing the same thing to me..Currently He's struggling with coping with the fact that His mom is going through issues with breast cancer... i try to just let Him know i'm here for Him if i can do anything to help....

Dominant or not, as human beings we all have limitations as to how much "shit" we can handle at once. I think you are being an adult and attempting to balance your needs and ability to cope, with his needs and his ability to cope.

See the therapist, talk to him after, and you are not minimizing him or the relationship by doing so because there is as much to lose in a relationship by expecting to much of someone as there is by not expecting enough.

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Post #: 39

RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/19/2009 9:41:21 AM

krikket

Posts: 1183
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From: Washington, DC Metro Area
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There's lots of good advice here that i really hope you follow, but only you can know when the time is right. There's an old saying that seems to apply here... "A burden shared is a burden halved." i know that, for myself, there are times when just being able to have a rant about a problem gets it out. like a valve on a pressure cooker. With his help i was more able to handle the junk that life hands me. i probably miss this "freedom" as much, or more than anything else, since i've been alone. Problems held inside tend to grow in direct proportion to the silence i kept.

Good luck..

huggles

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When your heart speaks take good notes.

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Post #: 40

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