RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom?

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 12:46:58 PM

CreativeDominant

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you look so cute in that therapist's hat, holly.

I believe in honesty. Someone told me once that what you don't know can't hurt you but folks, stop and think for a minute...how many times have you been bitten in the ass by something you did not tell your partner, for whatever reason, and it surfaced when you weren't expecting it and were LEAST prepared to deal with it? How many times has your relationship been undermined by something that you were keeping from your partner "for the good of the dynamic"????

There's an awful lot of difference in D/s dynamics but two of the "constants" (if you will) seem to be transparency and communication. I've stated before that I am not any submissive's therapist/white knight...and I don't want to be...but I WOULD expect my submissive to bring everything to me so that I can make the decision as to whether or not this is something I can help her with OR this is something we need outside help for. Her deciding not to is her taking away a decision she gave me the right to make when she submitted to me.

I also agree a helluva lot with what holly had to say here, having dealt with a submissive who just "disappeared" and did not even give me the chance to show I could handle things:

(holly said)"There are things i really want to keep to myself. Not because i do not want him to know, but because sharing with him makes the situation all that more real and does not permit me to bury me head in the sand.

But...keeping things to myself is not fair and not right, and burying my head in the sand makes me sneeze, so i tell him...eventually. Eventually because I do have a habit of working the situation in my mind..turning it this way and that...trying to deal with the reality of the situation myself before telling him forces me to deal with it.

And finally...i learned the hard way that i never, ever want to open my mouth when emotion is stronger than common sense. Ever, never. I have landed my ass in hot water enough times to make that my mantra. Time will allow common sense to over ride emotion, and only then will i address the issue. "

(The boldening of the words is mine)

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 12:55:44 PM

Lockit

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Oh I don't know about not being a therapist CD... you sure handled my sobbing mess a few times! Did a good job with that and left me laughing rather than crying.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 2:11:12 PM

sirsholly

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quote:

I also agree a helluva lot with what holly had to say

HUH?

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 3:40:35 PM

Kalista07

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx:
This happened to me two months ago. It was a deep issue and eventually I spoke to my Master. It was an issue from my past. I was triggered and could not stop myself because I knew that if I could not talk it through then it would fester and grow inside of me.
It was as it happened too much for him to handle. He was honest.

This pretty much demonstrates my concern..My experience is most people can only deal with a certain level of stress, healthy people have to set those limits. i was attempting to assist Him in not taking on too much stress.
Kali

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 7/20/2009 4:15:57 PM >

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 5:12:12 PM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx:
This happened to me two months ago. It was a deep issue and eventually I spoke to my Master. It was an issue from my past. I was triggered and could not stop myself because I knew that if I could not talk it through then it would fester and grow inside of me.
It was as it happened too much for him to handle. He was honest.

This pretty much demonstrates my concern..My experience is most people can only deal with a certain level of stress, healthy people have to set those limits. i was attempting to assist Him in not taking on too much stress.
Kali

Cain I just feed that back to you?'
~I was attempting to assist Him in not taking on too much stress.~
I won't be rude here and simply say you were making decisions for Him about how much stress he was able to take. Although I was tempted to retort like that.
What I will say though: why is it so often the case that I also lose my boundary with a dominant? Empathy? Sense of service? But trying to do something as id inside another person is exactly that' a loss of boundary. I will go so far as to say that is a submissive trait.
Being such a good submissive is all very well but kind of gets self-defeating if you lose yourself entirely.
Sorry therapist's hat off now.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/20/2009 5:40:33 PM

daddysliloneds

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

My question is what do You do when You have an issue You don't feel like You can (or should) take to Your Dom? i mean what if You truly feel like taking it to Him would cause more harm for Him than good?

i take it to him anyways, which generally leads to a disappointment on my part, because more times than not, it is the truth that sets me free, yet not, all at the same time.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/21/2009 7:29:50 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Oh I don't know about not being a therapist CD... you sure handled my sobbing mess a few times! Did a good job with that and left me laughing rather than crying.

Yeah...well, you are the exception sweet lady

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/21/2009 5:51:17 PM

KateyCaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Tonight a situation occurred and for the first time since i've been in this relationship it occurred to me that i should not talk to Him about it... Please do notice i said should not talk to Him about it..{As much as i hate that word}. It's not that i could not..Because i am capable..and He is more than willing..i just don't know if it's in His best interest for me to bring this to Him, and i don't know that it's in the best interest of our relationship... The reality is i know He loves me and cares for me deeply. i also know that it pains Him when something causes me a great deal of pain...
So, tonight something from my past...Something that i thought (for the most part) i had dealt with..came up and just beat me in the face...When i had my initial emotional reaction He was there and as i tried to process it i attempted to convince Him i was 'okay' and reassured Him that He should go to bed...i don't necessarily feel good about what i did..But that's an issue for another day..
My question is what do You do when You have an issue You don't feel like You can (or should) take to Your Dom? i mean what if You truly feel like taking it to Him would cause more harm for Him than good?
Kali

Sweetie, i hope this ends up being resolved, i hate to see you in this dilemma xxxxxx

my best advice is that your Dom/Master should be your first port of call for anything. Hiding any part of yourself from Him is detrimental to the both of you and could erode a relationship - leaving Him feeling shut out; and leaving you feling as though you are in a prison of secrets that you're witholding from Him. i don't mean to sound blunt, i adore you to pieces, but keeping important things, things that prey on your mind, from Him, will only hurt you in the long run.

i know that after being hurt so many times before, trusting someone not to freak out or to walk away can feel like a huge feat, but trust is the foundation of a D/s or M/s relationship :) i am sure He loves you enough for you to share this pain with him, it will help Him understand where you're coming from a little more. Trust in His love for you - i am sure He wants to know you inside and out.

Trust me, i had to have possibly the most brutally honest conversation the other night with Master Charles - i hated myself while i told Him how i felt, i felt my feelings were stupid and pathetic, etc. but i felt that i needed to say to Him that although i put on a hard, non-needy exterior, that it's just a front for the purposes of self-protection (weird thing is, He had known this for a long time!) and that it didn't mean that i didn't need to feel reassured, safe and cared for. He told me that what i was feeling wasn't pathetic, and He could understand how i had felt "blown off" earlier that day over something. i asked Him where i fit into things, into His life, etc. as i was terrified about going out on a limb to a foreign country very soon. i needed to hear where i stood.

Communication is good and healthy, no matter how terrible you might think the subject matter is. If you know in your heart that He is right for you, He will accept you as you are, no matter who the real you is :):)

Love and purrage,

k xxx

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/23/2009 8:21:01 AM

Kalista07

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Katey, Do you have any idea how dear you are to me??????

i just wanted to let most of You know that many of You had the right 'idea'. i am working on becoming more transparent with Him..Which is not an easy task for me, but i'm sure one that will pay off in the end.

Kali

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/23/2009 8:45:10 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

My question is what do You do when You have an issue You don't feel like You can (or should) take to Your Dom? i mean what if You truly feel like taking it to Him would cause more harm for Him than good?
Kali

The truth is....I feel fearful and write it anyway. Sometimes it *feels* as if I've risked everything by doing so. Two things can happen.....ONE is, that there'll be a huge misunderstanding that can never be surmounted......The other is... It'll be surmounted.

Deciding whether it'll be either, isn't something I can do on my own .........so best say it, and face the outcome.

From experience.

agirl

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/23/2009 4:21:55 PM

MasterSlaveLA

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Put on your big girl panties and open your yapper.

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RE: Shouldn't talk to your Dom? - 7/23/2009 5:59:15 PM

DesFIP

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Kali, there's a difference between saying "here's this enormous problem I have, now I need you to solve it" and saying "I'm having an enormous problem with this, what I need from you is support while I think of how I am going to address it and I'll talk to you about it once I've made a decision". The wrong thing to do is not tell him you have a problem, or that it is still upsetting you as much now as before, because he will know you're down but he won't know why or what you want out of him in the meantime.

You can share without giving him the responsibility to solve it.

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